It's my first time ever using help forums such as this, I never really had the motivation to reach out I guess. I used to harm myself a few years ago, and its a habit I'm proud to say I've mostly overcome, although I relapse now and then. It's not too bad. I was never diagnosed with anything, and lived for around three years just thinking I was a hormonal teenager, and that this sort of thing was normal. I was in a rather toxic relationship at my worst point, but in leaving that behind, I began to recover, and was somewhat back to my usual self around half a year on from that. Its approximately a year later, and although I haven't been harming myself (my most recent relapse was 4 months ago, and was nothing compared to how it used to be) I feel a whole lot worse than I did before. I'm in my final year of high school and under a lot of stress as is to be expected, and I constantly feel like a burden. I'm the type of person to always put others before myself; I look after my friends well, always making sure they're okay and acting as somewhat of a therapist or just someone to talk to in general if they need it. I have always been this way, as making other people happy generally makes me feel happy too. As I'm mostly looking after others, I feel somewhat unable to ask for help myself, which makes the pressure on my shoulders build. I'm seen as the strong, 'motherly' figure to my friends, someone to lean on for support when they need it, and I feel the need to keep this up, even though I feel like I'll crumble at any moment. I often thing about how it's highly likely that I would have committed suicide if it wasn't for the fact that I know it would break my family, and I can't do that to them. I come from an incredibly strong household, a family that always push me to do my best and are generally supportive of what I do, but I always feel like a failure. I hate to blame it on the fact that I am under a lot of pressure to live up to the standard of my sister, who is six years older than me, and got straight As the whole way though her high school career. I know for a fact I will never be as good as her, and I fear being a failure in the eyes of my parents more than anything. I love my family to death, and I know they would be heartbroken to know that I feel this way, and this is why I feel as though I can't tell them. This makes it sound as if I'm failing classes, right? Wrong. I'm getting mostly As and Bs, and still have a few months to go to improve my grades, so I never really know why I'm complaining. I just feel as though things would be so much easier for everyone else if I wasn't alive- or never existed in the first place. I am yet to be diagnosed with anything, and there's nothing I dislike more than people self-diagnosing themselves with serious mental conditions, so I am planning to book a doctors appointment to try and get some explanation (and hopefully, in time, a solution) to the way I am feeling. In the meantime, does anyone have any advice on how to stay healthy and happy short-term? I may still have a while to go before I am able to do anything about the way I'm feeling.

Thank you.

1 Reply

  • You sound like the kind of person who everyone that knows you would be so surprised to hear that you feel how you do. But you are obviously a good friend and relative so many people will appreciate and love you without you fully appreciating it (at this time). You are getting good enough grades, and at the end of the day does that really matter? Even if you fail you can resit, or do something else that you want to do. Go travelling and meet loads of new people: a girl who I work with is leaving her job (that she trained 3 years for) on Thursday to travel the world and leaving the rest to fate. your life is not set in stone: if you aren't enjoying it get out there and change it. And do it for yourself, not your family. And don't harm yourself because this will achieve nothing except more self interest (who else does affect but you). Believe me there will be so many people out there who care for you but if you are depressed you won't feel it at this time. Go and see your GP and tell them how you feel because they will help.

You may also like...