Did you know? The moment thoughts and wishes are given form in words, they become dramatized and lose their power. Maybe that’s why you aren’t supposed to tell people what you wish for after blowing out your birthday candles. So I’m going to tell you my unspoken dream. I wonder what will happen if I write it?
I love stories. As long as I can remember I have been reading, watching, and playing stories. I loved them. I loved how special the characters were, how important they were. In my favorite stories the main character would have power. Any kind really. Whether they were a genius, incredibly talented in one thing or everything. Or even straight up super powers. They were able to do anything. I liked the stories with supernatural elements the most. They were the most interesting to me. Life seemed exciting and unique in those worlds.
So what I’m saying is somewhere in the back of my mind I always thought that someday, somehow, something amazing would happen, and I could be like the people in those stories. That was my wish, my secret. My private little dream that I could only hope would one day happen. Something that could make my life interesting and unique. But, we all know that something like this is completely impossible. I have to give up on this hope I’ve always held onto. It’s common sense that something like this could never happen, everybody knows that.
So now I have to have a real dream, a wish, a life goal. I've thought and thought about this over and over, everyday, every night. I rack my brain constantly with the questions “Why should I get up in the morning?” “What am I living for?” I always thought that this should be a simple question. For example: if I wanted to be an artist, I wouldn’t care about math or science. Not in the least. I’d only study and practice drawing all day and night. That’s the only thing I’d care about. If I were to fall in love I could live for that person. That could be something I could do. But being home schooled and an introvert I don’t think something like that is going to happen. In fact I’ve almost completely erased that possibility or me ever having a family from my mind. It’s more of just a hope now, kind of like getting super powers
Now, some things about me. I don’t confront my problems. I run and hide from them. If I see something I don’t like I avert my gaze and keep walking or even turn around and go the other way. Because of this tendency, since probably 7th grade (I actually went to a rather small public school 7th-11th grade) I have used everything thinkable as a barrier to protect myself. I read books lots and lots of books, all novels. I read some good stories by the way. I watched tv, played video games, watched porn, and even things like parkour and longboarding. I guess things normal teenagers do. A year ago in late May, my cousin introduced me to anime. This was like a whole new world for me, I learned about another culture's entertainment. I also got into manga. This is still something part of my life today, and even part of who I am. Before, I had quickly gotten bored with the other activities and found something new. For some reason this stuck. It got in the way of homework and even my social life, it still does. It even got in the way of family. In September of last year I attempted to run away. I didn’t really make it that far mostly due to being injured from running cross country in the summer. But I was able to jump onto a moving train which ended up being stopped and my dad taking me home. I originally had had a better plan to do this but after reaching the end of my rope when my mom tried to cut me off from anime (I know a terrible spoiled bratty reason to run away) I just decided to wing it. So ever since then my relationship with my family hasn’t been quite the same, and to be honest, it’s not really on my priority list of thing to figure out or fix. I don’t recall why exactly I wanted to run away but now I’d say it was to go discover myself and be my own person.
This, is my religious view. My family is pretty christian. I haven't told them this yet, so when it’s my turn to pray at the dinner table it’s really awkward. I am not a christian anymore, back when I asked “why?” I came up with my own belief you could say. I think that all or the religions on earth have been thought up by the people in search of the truth. Like how the person who started the Mormon faith put his head into a hat and was told by God what to write down. Just how Christians were to told by God to write the bible. Now yes, I did use capital G’s in the word god. I believe the theory of if there is a cake, there is a baker. If there’s an earth/galaxy/universe the is a God. The is no way that all this is an accident, just “whoops! *bang!* Earth and living things!” I believe the a God or some powerful being (a wizard? Lol) created everything. Now with that thinking maybe it’s possible that there is such thing as magic and such. But realistically, probably not. I’m not trying to convince you this is correct or anything nor do I want you to try to convince me what you believe. It’s just my theory.
After that adventure I started asking a certain question a lot: why? I asked this about pretty much everything. Because of this question I feel like I learned a lot and have become a bit wiser. But I also ended up failing my most of my second semester as a junior. Now we’re almost to back where I am now. I ended up wanting to do school online thinking it would be easier and quicker. I’m not going to to lie here, but it is. The problem in it’s rather hard for me to actually put effort into the work and try. My mom keeps asking me if I really want to graduate or not. I always say yes, I know it’s the wise choice to get a high school diploma, because maybe one day I will know what I want in life and I don’t want to regret not ever graduating from high school. But in my mind I don’t feel like there is any good reason for me to put forth the effort these last seven months.
Now back to the question in the fourth paragraph. I have gotten terribly stressed out and depressed over this. It’s the question of what I’m going to do with my life. Which, I have been hearing ever since middle school. I unlike the character in the stories I read or watched in an anime, I really don’t have any special talents, if anything, I’m just okay or decent at most things. I’d say the same with my looks.
I feel like I have run out of ways to deal with my stress. Watching anime only makes me forget that my life is coming to nothing until the end of the episode. My games seem boring and uninteresting, no matter how many I buy and play. Now before you read this next part I’ll let you know that I have spoken to a psychiatrist before, although not about this specifically. I literally think about killing either myself or other people every night, mostly what it would be like I guess. Now, I know that last sentence was probably very alarming, but I’m smart enough to know that killing myself really won’t change anything and I don’t think I could ever actually do it. It’s not for attention, if anything it would be one final way to run away. Now, me killing somebody else is a bit of a different story… If I don’t decide what to do with myself I plan to join the marines. The reason: so I can be in combat. Technically I’d be able to commit legal murder then, maybe that would help me with some of my stress? But it wouldn’t change anything either. If anything I think I would learn the value of a person's life. I’ve written down my feelings before, I have a whole entire essay of them in the notes on my ipad, and now I have this too.
So I guess the reason of this is to ask advice from the people who have felt this way before me, I doubt I’m the only one who has felt this way. I don’t expect a magical answer that solves all my problems. But thank you for reading.