Unknown Dream

Did you know? The moment thoughts and wishes are given form in words, they become dramatized and lose their power. Maybe that’s why you aren’t supposed to tell people what you wish for after blowing out your birthday candles. So I’m going to tell you my unspoken dream. I wonder what will happen if I write it?

I love stories. As long as I can remember I have been reading, watching, and playing stories. I loved them. I loved how special the characters were, how important they were. In my favorite stories the main character would have power. Any kind really. Whether they were a genius, incredibly talented in one thing or everything. Or even straight up super powers. They were able to do anything. I liked the stories with supernatural elements the most. They were the most interesting to me. Life seemed exciting and unique in those worlds.

So what I’m saying is somewhere in the back of my mind I always thought that someday, somehow, something amazing would happen, and I could be like the people in those stories. That was my wish, my secret. My private little dream that I could only hope would one day happen. Something that could make my life interesting and unique. But, we all know that something like this is completely impossible. I have to give up on this hope I’ve always held onto. It’s common sense that something like this could never happen, everybody knows that.

So now I have to have a real dream, a wish, a life goal. I've thought and thought about this over and over, everyday, every night. I rack my brain constantly with the questions “Why should I get up in the morning?” “What am I living for?” I always thought that this should be a simple question. For example: if I wanted to be an artist, I wouldn’t care about math or science. Not in the least. I’d only study and practice drawing all day and night. That’s the only thing I’d care about. If I were to fall in love I could live for that person. That could be something I could do. But being home schooled and an introvert I don’t think something like that is going to happen. In fact I’ve almost completely erased that possibility or me ever having a family from my mind. It’s more of just a hope now, kind of like getting super powers

Now, some things about me. I don’t confront my problems. I run and hide from them. If I see something I don’t like I avert my gaze and keep walking or even turn around and go the other way. Because of this tendency, since probably 7th grade (I actually went to a rather small public school 7th-11th grade) I have used everything thinkable as a barrier to protect myself. I read books lots and lots of books, all novels. I read some good stories by the way. I watched tv, played video games, watched porn, and even things like parkour and longboarding. I guess things normal teenagers do. A year ago in late May, my cousin introduced me to anime. This was like a whole new world for me, I learned about another culture's entertainment. I also got into manga. This is still something part of my life today, and even part of who I am. Before, I had quickly gotten bored with the other activities and found something new. For some reason this stuck. It got in the way of homework and even my social life, it still does. It even got in the way of family. In September of last year I attempted to run away. I didn’t really make it that far mostly due to being injured from running cross country in the summer. But I was able to jump onto a moving train which ended up being stopped and my dad taking me home. I originally had had a better plan to do this but after reaching the end of my rope when my mom tried to cut me off from anime (I know a terrible spoiled bratty reason to run away) I just decided to wing it. So ever since then my relationship with my family hasn’t been quite the same, and to be honest, it’s not really on my priority list of thing to figure out or fix. I don’t recall why exactly I wanted to run away but now I’d say it was to go discover myself and be my own person.

This, is my religious view. My family is pretty christian. I haven't told them this yet, so when it’s my turn to pray at the dinner table it’s really awkward. I am not a christian anymore, back when I asked “why?” I came up with my own belief you could say. I think that all or the religions on earth have been thought up by the people in search of the truth. Like how the person who started the Mormon faith put his head into a hat and was told by God what to write down. Just how Christians were to told by God to write the bible. Now yes, I did use capital G’s in the word god. I believe the theory of if there is a cake, there is a baker. If there’s an earth/galaxy/universe the is a God. The is no way that all this is an accident, just “whoops! *bang!* Earth and living things!” I believe the a God or some powerful being (a wizard? Lol) created everything. Now with that thinking maybe it’s possible that there is such thing as magic and such. But realistically, probably not. I’m not trying to convince you this is correct or anything nor do I want you to try to convince me what you believe. It’s just my theory.

After that adventure I started asking a certain question a lot: why? I asked this about pretty much everything. Because of this question I feel like I learned a lot and have become a bit wiser. But I also ended up failing my most of my second semester as a junior. Now we’re almost to back where I am now. I ended up wanting to do school online thinking it would be easier and quicker. I’m not going to to lie here, but it is. The problem in it’s rather hard for me to actually put effort into the work and try. My mom keeps asking me if I really want to graduate or not. I always say yes, I know it’s the wise choice to get a high school diploma, because maybe one day I will know what I want in life and I don’t want to regret not ever graduating from high school. But in my mind I don’t feel like there is any good reason for me to put forth the effort these last seven months.

Now back to the question in the fourth paragraph. I have gotten terribly stressed out and depressed over this. It’s the question of what I’m going to do with my life. Which, I have been hearing ever since middle school. I unlike the character in the stories I read or watched in an anime, I really don’t have any special talents, if anything, I’m just okay or decent at most things. I’d say the same with my looks.

I feel like I have run out of ways to deal with my stress. Watching anime only makes me forget that my life is coming to nothing until the end of the episode. My games seem boring and uninteresting, no matter how many I buy and play. Now before you read this next part I’ll let you know that I have spoken to a psychiatrist before, although not about this specifically. I literally think about killing either myself or other people every night, mostly what it would be like I guess. Now, I know that last sentence was probably very alarming, but I’m smart enough to know that killing myself really won’t change anything and I don’t think I could ever actually do it. It’s not for attention, if anything it would be one final way to run away. Now, me killing somebody else is a bit of a different story… If I don’t decide what to do with myself I plan to join the marines. The reason: so I can be in combat. Technically I’d be able to commit legal murder then, maybe that would help me with some of my stress? But it wouldn’t change anything either. If anything I think I would learn the value of a person's life. I’ve written down my feelings before, I have a whole entire essay of them in the notes on my ipad, and now I have this too.

So I guess the reason of this is to ask advice from the people who have felt this way before me, I doubt I’m the only one who has felt this way. I don’t expect a magical answer that solves all my problems. But thank you for reading.

3 Replies

oldestnewest
  • You sound very depressed . I grew up in a very abusive household and was told everyday that I was hated and worthless and by my mother. I can remember like yesterday her saying to me that I wasn't worth the power to blow me to hell and that I was ugly, and I was stupid and than she would smack me really hard across my face and I was made to be her slave. If I smiled I would be giving a dirty look and than get smacked it happened so many times as I grew up I could not smile or laugh anymore even many years later . My father abused me and would beat me for nothing . There was fighting everyday in my house. There was never a nice word said.. My mother would say such horrible things to me. She made me stay home to be her slave.The negativity in that house was so thick in the air. My father would tell me all the time that he wanted to kill us all. My friends could not come over. When I was in school I never wanted to come. When I heard my father come home drunk and fight with my mother the fights were violent and I would hear throwing of shoes and other things at each other, there would be yelling and screaming and crying, I would be so scared that I would be next. I would imagine my bed room window opening up and my bed fly out my window and I was up so high in the sky and I would sit up in my bed and look at all the stars and moon and I could actually feel the brisk air on my face and I would tuck myself under my blankets as I looked at the moon and the bright lit sky and I felt so peaceful and I would not hear the fighting down stairs anymore and this was not a dream because it felt so real but at some point I did fall to sleep. I am now 55 years old much older than you but I felt a profound feeling to share my story with you.

    Sometimes to this very day I sit and wonder Did I really fly out that window because I still remember it so vividly . But I am sure I didn't it was only mind escaping away from that hell I was feeling.

    There was so much evil in that house and I will tell you why I knew it was evil . One day I was in my bedroom a lone up stairs and most of the family was in the lower level of the house. I heard a big fight break out it sounded just like a battle going on down stairs cause I heard screaming and yelling banging against the walls and all kind of fowl language but this was not unusual but it always made me scared. So as I sat there I saw a black devil like figure run from down the stairs and into the bathroom across the hall. NO LIE - My family was atheist and never believe in anything and thought it was stupid believed in God and thought it was ridicules and made fun of people who did believe. But for some reason and I don't know why but I believed in a God that created everything. I didn't tell them cause they would only give me dirty looks. Maybe I believe because of what I saw, the evil that was in that house and if there was evil there has to be good. I would pray and not on my knees, just in my mind. I never asked for anything for myself but only tried to feel his presence that I may know he is there with me. One day when I was about 10 years old I was at my friends house up the street. It was summer day and my friend brought out some fruit. We had just got out of their pool and while I was eating my apple and was leaning against a metal fence. It was only metal fences back than , so anyway I stood there leaning against the metal face and there was a towel laying across the fence and it was not a cloud in the sky. I than heard a voice calling me - I assumed it was my mother calling me back home cause she never liked me having any kind of fun she just wanted me home to boss me all around. She enjoyed taking her horrible life out on me and she would smack me across the face all the time because of her rotten husband and life. She loved smacking me across the face. So anyway back to the fence and me. As I leaned against this fence eating my apple I heard the voice calling me for a second time I just stood there not paying any attention to the call because I didn't want to go home and if I didn't answer maybe she would stop calling me. So for the third time I heard the call and this time the voice sounded stern and I still didn't want to move now none of my friends apparently did not hear the voice calling me cause they kept sitting there on the picnic table next to me and never said your mother is calling you because the voice was loud but at that time I thought nothing about that because I thought they were just to busy eating their fruit to pay attention. All of a sudden everything appeared still and I heard no sound. Far away saw a women beckoning me to come to her as I took about two steps to go towards her just than a bolt of lighting hit the metal fence catching the towel on fire I turned to look at the fire .It hit exactly where I was leaning on the fence all the kids jumped and ran in the house to tell their mother. when I turned around again to look at this lady calling me she wasn't there anymore. That lady was an angel sent by God to save my life. I knew God was with me than. He let me know. That experience changed my life forever. But as I became got older I never understood why I was saved. All my life I was very depressed from my childhood and it was hard for me to work. I was sick all the time. I had no talent, I had no education to speak of. Everything I tried I was not successful at. But I always stayed close to God and I had only a few experiences of truly feeling Gods presents as I got older those times was a feeling I can't even describe. It's though your heart wants to explode with such joy and everything looked so beautiful and I felt my soul want to bust from out of me,. This feeling only lasted seconds. I yearned to have that experience again still to this very day and I find myself disparately wanting Gods presents again. It was so awesome that if I was given a choice to go to the most beautiful spot in the world and I could be there as long as I wanted too. I would pick the feeling of Gods presents over the every time even though it was only for seconds because nothing can ever compare to that feeling.

    Never ever think or act on taking another human beings life. For what _ to cause the suffering of others. Do you really think that would make you feel better. That evil would posse you and drive you mad. You would be always in the presents of evil and it wouldn't feel good. . That hatred would poison your soul and you would feel nothing but despair and deep depression and it would weigh a ton on you.. You would only experience mental torture forever as if you had your head was stuck between two large stones and that feeling would maddening and torturous You would feel nothing but suffering. That negativity would cause you sickness and physical suffering as well as mental pain. You would experience all the pain and suffering you caused others in spades , and that suffering you would feel - would never escape you. Your death would be slow and painful and you be suffocating until you took your last breath, So get that out of you head cause I know that it is evil.

    You may not have talent or be a football star, or baseball star or artist or an Einstein. Big deal , so what it doesn't make you less than them. Know that and internalize it and believe you have purpose and you will feel in your heat and you find direction and purpose. What would the world be if everyone was an artist or football star and so forth and so on. That would NOT be fun or enjoyable. No one would appreciate it and it would not be special at all , in fact it would be boring. We are not meant to all have talent.

    Do you know - what the meaning is when God said " Every man is created equal "

    You may say - " how can that be - " I am not an Einstein " He's a genius and I am not " How can I be equal " What about Michael Angelo " I can't paint like him " How can I be equal to him " Well, l will tell how every man is equal… We all equal if we choose to becoming Godlike , and that is more difficult than any talent someone can have. I realized in my life as I got older and know God saved my life. Not because I have cure for cancer or be the leader of a country . That was not my purpose.. I was try to be Godlike. I found such joy from helping others. I would ask God to direct me where I need to be to help others to make those who needs the help. So that opportunity to help someone that was in need always showed up when asked and I was always so happy and joyful after I was done for the day. I felt so good inside and good always came to me like a karma. I not gonna make it all rosy because sometimes the work helping was very challenging and caused me stress but in end I looked back and wished I could have done better but I also learned not to be hard on myself and that I am only human and for everyone even the talent has room for improvement. I am 55 years old now and I look back on my life and realize that I had purpose. I saved a human being when a friend wanted to have her baby aborted and almost did. That baby is 33 now and a doctor and my friend got very sick and her son has become the best thing in her life.. On one morning I heard a knock on my door and I remember saying Oh who is knocking on my door so early = It was the father of my friends son that she almost aborted many years back in the past that I stopped her from her from doing. I thought everyone had forgotten that day including me. But as I sat there drinking coffee with him. He thanked me for that day and told me his life would not have been the same without his son. I can't tell you what felt that day I instantly remembered the angel that saved my life knowing that I was responsible for his wonderful son's life. So you see you don't have to be any artist or have any kind talent to feel good inside You have a purpose, Go out and find it. The good you do comes back in abundant and you will know true happiness than….Trust me you will

  • Hey

    I don't really know what to tell you about every question you have asked but starting with you feeling isolated and alone and doubting ever having a family ... I used to feel that way too especially when I was in high school.. I used to be very smart most ppl would call me a nerd, I read a lot of stories, adventure stories mostly and used to pretend in my head that I was the main character .. Super powers not so much, but I can understand imagining having some sort of power, like maybe to be the fly on the wall in someone's conversation or to read peoples thoughts. Since I was a teen in the early2000's anime wasn't really popular then... But I can understand why it would be intriguing. I stayed at home a lot with a family that didn't understand my often emotional or sensitive nature . In grade 10 I dropped out even though I was an honor student. If there's one piece of advice I can give you it's to finish high school. It doesn't matter if you know what u want to be or not , I didn't finish till I was 21 because I wanted to prove myself to my family and work a job live on my own and pay rent .. I got a dose of reality ... It isn't easy to figure out a career path, I'm 28 and have already had 2 careers.... My best advice do what actually makes you happy. I know it sounds cliche but it totally isn't . Think of what u like doing even it seems ridiculous to others, the thing u love more than anything and find a way to make money doing it. Don't sell yourself short . We can create what we believe in. I like to inspire people thru writing and talking , I got into social services and found I liked to talk with youth about current challenges ... And how our mindsets set us up for what we get in our lives . The way I learned to value life was thru losing someone very close to me. Killing is not the answer ever ... Life is deeply precious ... If you think it will help your stress to take a life it will not I promise . You have to rise above your negative thoughts, fears, doubts and try and live each day with gratitude for the good that exists in your life , even if u think there's none. And I don't say this because I'm perfect or free of fear , I have lots that I live each day , but these are the things I've learned along my journey thru life and I hope they could help in some way. If u have any more questions let me know...

    Peace

  • So from the things said in your essay here, I'm guessing you're somewhere around a junior in high school. If you are a junior, it's nice to see someone so close to my age with the same problems. I'm only a freshman and everything you described is almost exactly the same as me. I don't really have an answer to your questions, nor do I have anything that I think would actually help you to say, but maybe you'll find some solace in knowing we have the exact same problems. Also, if you are planning on going into the marines, you're gonna have to graduate first. The diploma is a necessity.

You may also like...