My Feelings So Far

I have absolutely no idea at all what I am suppose to be doing to be truthfully honest. I bought a computer hoping it would tell me what I am suppose to be doing. So far I have complied a list of tasks and have been trying to complete some of them. A lot of these things come naturally to everyone else but I need it written down like taking a bath and brushing my teeth. If it wasn't on wiki how I wouldn't know to do these things. It's not like I was raised in the wild but unfortunately this is my brain. I know I shouldn't but I tend to look at others and wonder what happened to me. People can talk to each other and I can't even get passed hello. Friends, relationships, associates I have no clue about besides what I see on TV. I feel behind in everything and it scares me in my sleep with nightmares.

I've been forcing myself to do a lot of things that I really don't like because that's what I am suppose to do as an adult. If I don't eat healthy foods I will suffer hair and cartilage loss like before. My mental and physical state has improved to a certain level from the changes but on some days I fall back into my handicapped ways. I really struggle on a day to day basis, battling myself. I have thoughts like how am I suppose to dress and look in public. If you dress or move your body weird people that even know you avoid you at all cost. I can't even do the basic things I wonder even if I force the heck out of myself to do all of these things I don't like will I finally be able to live a normal life. Will I finally drive. Will I finally get a job so I won't end up homeless. I have to learn to swim so I don't drown.

Right now I really don't care about who I am or all of that because it's not helping me. I just want be able to survive and look human in the minimum. I don't want to be treated different from everyone else anymore. If I can look the part and act the part and it will work I will do it. What's the point of being yourself alone starving and homeless. There is no happiness in that.

4 Replies

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  • Hi. It sounds like you are really struggling, but talking about it is a really good start. I was wondering how old you were, and if you were working, and things like that. Has something bad happened in your life to make you feel this way? Are all these feelings new to you or have you felt like this for sometime? Have you ever had any counselling or talked to anyone about how you feel?

    It sounds like you have real self confidence and low self esteem problems, but I'm no expert just someone trying to live with my own inability to handle life and it's complexities. This is a good place to start, but you may need to see someone professional for help so you can live your life to the full. Keep talking here if you want to, but you probably need to see your GP to get some advice and direction. I hope this is helpful!

  • I recently turned 21. I don't work. I wouldn't say something bad happened to me. The only thing that bothers me is when people don't like me they insult me on a daily basis and laugh and talk about me in groups to other people. I really don't understand that because I have never said anything or looked at them before to be treated like that by many people. Making friends and stuff is extra hard when the people around you have a set image of you from the rumors and won't bother to even talk to you when you say hello and stuff. So I don't really have a choice but to be isolated. I have gone to therapy before at least 15 it doesn't seem to be helping me. After I leave the session I feel more anxious then relieved every time. They always ask me to do things I can't accomplish or don't have the skills for so I fail a lot and feel bad about it. At the moment I don't have transportation or someone to help me schedule an appointment. I only has access to my house or walking down the street to the post office or convince store.

  • Hi there, I kind of understand how you feel the way you do. for starters you need islocate those who talk about you and throw them in the bin and out of your life. they are not worth wasting your time worrying about. doing so will relieve you of one worry from your mind. the world gossips in front of you quietly or behind your backs so don't think about them becuase you can't stop them, thats just human nature. a large portion of people are quite selfish they only know how to take so to build your self esteem say 'hi' to them and don't worry by thinking if, why, or what.

    I would recommend you start taking therapy again and this time take a different approach. you mentioned you were given tasks to do but you had difficultly in accomplishing them so go back and tell your therapist. tell them why you found it difficult, tell them what you felt, here you have to be open as possible. You may find this next task difficult but please don't give up and keep practicing it:

    1. when you are in a situation that give rise to negative feelings do a mind map. that situation could be a walk down your local chopping centre, or it could be a task you are doing at home, like something in the garden, or a small project.

    2. in the centre of an A4 paper, write down a very short description of that situation you were in, in the middle of the page and draw a circle around it in black colour.

    3. for each negative feeling you felt in that situation, draw a short line off it and write that feeling down in blue colour.

    4. off that feeling, what event happened in that situation that made you feel that way, did someone say something bad, did someone joke about you, name calling, people gossiping, someone looked at you in a awkward way, something you were doing that didn't work out, you made a mistake, or made a bad judgement, etc. write in green colour.

    5. off that event, draw a short line and write down how you reacted physically, did you walk away, cry, shout or run or angry, etc. write in red colour.

    6. off that same event, write down if you experienced any difficulties. was it you could not think clearly, if so expand it further, what was it you couldn't think clearly about. dififculties talking about something, if so what about. write these in purple

    The more you do these the better. tell your therapist what you did and what it shows becuase your therapist should be able to spot a common trend and realize what support she can give you, talk about it and it will help her understand you and get to the root cause of those feelings.

    sorry for waffling on but maybe this can help you.

  • Hi, Crummycakes. I read your concerns and wonder if you might benefit from discussing being tested for autism spectrum disorder, specifically Asbergers. I have a son who has this diagnosis and, from what you have described, you seem to suffer from many of the problems I have observed as a mum of an ASD sufferer. There is a lot of useful information on the web about this condition. Have a look at autism.org.uk/about-autism/... Please keep in mind that this conditon is a spectrum of difficulties, i.e. you may suffer from some of the symptoms to a greater or lesser degree than another sufferer. This is because you are an individual. Take care.

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