I have tried to deny my depression; why is my concern for my other peoples & doctors opinion more important than my mental health?

I had a traumatic childhood and witnessed violence and my mums depression. I have very limited trust in people as my childhood showed me people just hurt each other. I have no friends; I have moved home several times; I have had several boyfriends who I end up abusing and feeling dissatisfied with. I have self harmed; I have had addictions I have tried to commit suicide, I am 38 years ago and I keep denying that I need help.I don't understand how my boyfriend can love me; I get in anger rages, I don't want to get up in the morning, I say hurtful things to him, I'm really struggling with supporting him now his father is terminally ill. I just don't like myself and I am ashamed of asking for help; I've been on anti depressants before and counselling and I get so anxious about the situation that I tell the doctors the treatment is working and I STOP treatment. I am trapped in a viscious circle. I am going to the doctors today and I am determined this time to cure my depression and social anxiety, sod what others think I am more important

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  • Hi, I know the post is quite old but I hope you're doing well since?

    The most couragous thing you can do is to be honest to yourself first. to be honest to yourself that you have an underlying issue that needs to be dealt with. If you are not honest to yourself then no matter how many times you go to GP or counselling, you won't recover. I had a bad childhood and like you all I remembered was hurtful things, name calling and isolation. grown up I had little life skills to get on with others and I could never lay these to rest or those events never let go of me and they eventually bought on severe depression.

    After you acknowledge that you have these issues and you know and acknowledge that you need help to get better you can then make the step to be honest to your GP about what has happened and to be truthful to your GP and counsellor why you felt justified to lie. It takes courage to open up and be frank but honesty is always valued the most whether it's to yourself or to others.

    to help with the negative behaviour like anger, abuse, etc, you need to understand what are the underlying causes that make you behave like that. write them down and map them to feelings you feel. those events may bring back bad memories or emotions but to me I felt that was part of the recovery to try and lay them to rest once and for all. if you need to cry then let it out. when you have written it, go to your counsellor and tell them what you have wrote and talk about them. your counsellor will have skills and experience to understand and help you deal them them and find solutions that you need to practice. don't let these sessions go to waste, understand the outcome from each session and apply them to your day to day life.

    part of the way to remove your thoughts away from the nagativity is to try and occupy your time into activities, like volunteer, maybe applying to do a charity run, gardening, anything that gets you out of the house and occupies your mind away.

    I have done a blog where I have practice some solutions that I have learnt over my time with severe depression. I have learnt to let go 90% of my past the remaining 10% has in a way dictated my behaviour around people but that will take a lot of time but "slowly does it". during depression I was jobless and once i got better through what I did, I applied and got a full time job before xmas and im rediscovering my lost talent i enjoyed before depression.

    blogerslotaboutdepression.b...

    its not been easy journey but you need to keep at it and learn to suppress those bad memories that lead to your bad behaviour and eventually let the memories go so you can move on in your life.

    If you feel you don't any qualifications to get a job then don't worry. once you feel you are getting better then speak to citizens advice bureau about doing free courses to help you get a job. the support is there you just need to ask about it and CAB is the way forward. If they cannot help you then they can point you in the right direction but follow it through.

    I hope anything that I have wrote helps you.

    ALl the best

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