I have been over and over the web from time to time just figuring out what is the matter with me. When I was younger i brushed it off my shoulders and accepted the fact that this is who I am and I can't change the fact that I am socially awkward and over stressed and get anxious and feel like its over the top compared to another person. But now I'm fed up and can't bring myself to get help. I feel if i ever faced them I'd come across as a silly person and that it was all in my head. I have no one to turn to and I don't even want to talk to a friend about this situation cause I never talk to people about how I truly feel or have a hard time expressing how I actually feel.
I've come to a point where every day I wake up I fuss about my weight and over think so many things I drag myself down and just get upset over the fact that my head is always thinking and always bringing me down.
I catch myself sometimes I just don't want to socialise to anyone. I'd go on strike and small talk to people I live with and basically live in my room until I feel like its gone on for a while, then i go out and try socialise.
I also have been trying to avoid being sad and the voices in my head just by going out to clubs and raves and consuming amounts of alcohol or a great use of illegal drugs just to feel this sense of happiness and a feel of togetherness with the people you are with. It makes me feel like everything is great and that the people I am with are on my same wavelength and that I was just over thinking and that i am not alone. But when I come back to reality I find myself feeling like I fooled myself and find it ridiculous by the amount of money I have spent and still spending just to feel some sort of difference inside of me. I then feel depressed and dragged own that i feel hopeless so I just carry on chasing this feeling just to feel alright but now I'm caught in-between and feeling like there is a choice to be made but i still take the easy way out just let it be. I feel lonely and get upset at the fact that everyone around seem to have someone and here i am standing alone screaming out for help or love for anyone to hear me but I don't speak up or talk about it, all I do is just smile and get on with my day.
I have also thought about death from time to time, just the thought I repeat in my head at times 'what if i died here and now who would care, who would i hurt who would i disappoint'
I can't be bothered sometimes with anything I do I feel angry and just annoyed and just feel like everything is too much for me and i just feel over tired and stressed and can't deal with it by myself that I just can't be bothered at all.