Basically I have had a rough year and right now I feel as vulnerable and as low as I have ever been.
Everything started about a year ago. I had been in a job that I totally hated for a couple of years. So much so that it was starting to effect my relationship with my long term partner and give me physical symptoms of stress. My sex drive was down and I was drinking a lot on the weekend but still managing to life everyday.
At the beginning of this year our relationship broke down (he cheated on me ) and since then my mood has been very unbalanced. My job situation got worse so I started feeling extreme anxiety about going to work. There were days when I felt I was going to have a panic attack at my desk. My performance was suffering but I still managed to live day to day.
I couldn't handle the anxiety and couldn't find a job while employed so it got to a point where I just quit. I felt like I had no choice and was on the verge of a break down.
Since quitting I sway between highs from the partying and men then lows whereby I feel mildly depressed anxious and guilty. It has taken me three months for me to actually start applying for jobs as I have been unable to make a decesion about what I want to do, I couldn't concentrate or focus.
This September I have now just started focusing but am still having trouble using my brain. Like my mind isn't sharp anymore. I know I don't feel like myself and can't remember what it feels like to feel normal.
I'm unsure if I am depressed or not as I manage to function on an everyday level (I excercise, get out of bed, see people) but I do have an underlying emptiness and anxiety that stays with me a lot of the time. Sometimes I have waves of extreme anxiety and guilt so much so I have to go to a 'familiar surrounding'.
I have started to wake up early and have trouble sleeping even though I excersise everyday. It scares me that at the moment the only thing that makes me feel happy is partying and men which I am now trying to control. Without it though I feel empty and numb. What is wrong with me? Am I just going through a rough patch? I'm afraid I'm depressed as I don't want to go on medication. Do I sound depressed?
My friends say I feel down because I am unemployed but as I am having trouble focusing/lack confidence to find another job I am afraid things will just get worse. I feel like there is a dark cloud looming and I'm afraid.