how can I have closure on immeasurable grief that's as raw today as exactly a year ago?

My daughter lost her baby at 8 weeks and in the scanning room where the empty sac was revealed I went into total shock. Nothing felt real. I knew it was my car I got into but it didn't feel real, I walked into my living room and nothing felt real. I knew where I was and that the sofas in front of me were mine but it was like I'd rubbed my eyes hard and everything was blurred. It was like I was above my body and doing everything on autopilot. My daughter walked out of my home and my life the next day because she said I showed her no demonstrative love. I absolutely totally deny this. I have always loved her and never more so than when she lay there and said so bravely to the sonographer "there's nothing there, is there?" When she walked out of my life it was like all the love she had for me was broken up into microscopic particles and blown into every corner of the universe never to be made whole again. I feel I died that day. The person that was me died and another Sarah has stepped into my place. I hardly ever feel happy. I've joined various groups and organisations in my area but underneath my smiles are the tears. I still cry every day and it's been a year now. Last year she also told me I was dead to her and when she became pregnant again she blocked me from most of the pregnancy. I told her her behaviour was making me more ill but that I was getting help for my severe depression. Hurtful text followed hurtful text and she told me to stay right away from her and her little family until I'd sorted myself out. Her texts tore me apart. I howled every day because I disagreed with everything she had said and I couldn't and still can't understand why she cut me dead like she did. She now has her little baby but as much as I adore the baby I feel so traumatised by what happened a year ago I just can't move on. She said I need to, but how can I when there's no closure?

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  • Really sorry to read about all of this - you are in a really hard place.

    It sounds as if you are looking to your daughter for closure and that may not be the right place. Closure is really something that comes from within - that moment when we decide to turn away from the museum where we store all our pains and leave them behind ... probably doesn't make any sense.

    It may be that your daughter was (and still is) trying to deal with her own grief and turning on you was part of that ... really hard to accept.

    One of the hardest things for me growing up was my mother's bouts of anger - which were often focused on me and used to destroy me (probably still would) ... though I've since realised that in a way it was a sort of compliment that she probably felt I was a safe place to vent the anger - again that probably makes no sense.

  • her rejection of me where she displayed such emotional cruelty has scarred me. Her allegations were so untrue it was soul destroying- all of it lies. We'd always been close and the pain I felt for her when she lost that longed for baby was born out of such deep love for her. So for her to leave my life and cut me dead has left such deep scars, because I wasn't the person she accused me of being and I don't understand why she told all those lies. For a whole year she displayed her hatred of me. So now, because of the scars, every time her or her partner display the remotest annoyance towards me (which is normal and part of healthy relationships I know) my stomach lurches and I get so anxious and frightened because I think it's all happening again.She won't discuss it and says I need to move on. You're right, it doesn't make sense. It's like she turned into a person I didn't know and destroyed me totally in the process. But thank you very much for writing to me.

  • All very difficult. I understand how other people's anger can just destroy you - particularly when it seems to come out of no-where.

    Perhaps you could try the following when your daughter and her partner start to show signs of anger - try and remind yourself that the reaction when your grand-daughter died in the womb was an expression of grief and they have gone beyond that grief now, so it isn't going to happen again. Thank your subconscious for reminding you that everyone can get really angry when something really awful happens and behave very harshly but tell it - gently - that it happens because something awful has happened and right now there isn't anything awful going on in the background so it isn't something that you need to worry about right now. The fear will probably keep coming back so you may need to do it several times but it might help.

  • My grief is as nothing as compared to yours, all i can say is the awful illness that is depression is a very debilitating illness. I have had a long experience of the gut wrenching, head spinning, lost, hopeless, guilty and loss of the will to live. I cant pretend to have any answers but all i can say is you are not alone, This probably wont help very much in a time such as this but at least you had the courage to say how you feel. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

  • Thank you for saying that. It really helps you know xx

  • On a lesser scale, I understand that feeling of the lurching stomach when you sense things might escalate again. I had a big fall out with my sister a couple of years ago, and the pain of being cut out of her life was dreadful. Although we've, to an extent, 'made up' now, all it takes is the tiniest comment or happening for me to panic that things will plummet again. It's like walking on eggshells. X

  • that is EXACTLY how it is with me. The pain of rejection is always there because that first time was the worst shock I have ever had in my whole life. I feel like I'm a different person now. I feel like the old Sarah died last July and I'm another Sarah who is just existing.. I want the old me to come back but I just know that's not going to happen. This is hell. We are not communicating again -- my fault of course!!!!! --- and now she has a new baby it's doubly hard. She's stopped sending photos of the baby and honestly Lucy I don't see the point of living. I hate my life. But I'm just too scared to end it.

  • It's a good thing that you're scared to end it, because It means you're still with us. You have a daughter who needs her Mum, despite her putting on a brave face at the moment and pretending she doesn't. Your point of living right now is your wonderful grandchildren. How would it be for them growing up being told that that was their Grandma's answer to her problems? I'm sure that's not how you'd want them to remember you. As they get older they will vote with their feet. They'll contact you of their own free will. My son is almost fourteen and now he's got a phone he texts his grandad several times a day! I think you need to try and find a way of accepting the current situation, and be prepared to be there for your daughter when she's ready. Which she will be. You haven't mentioned how she was supported after that day in the scan room? X

  • Have been thinking about you posting. Last month must have been tough as it was an anniversarry .

    neither you nor your family can change the past, but you can both give your grandchild a healthy and realistic view about her family. To try to avoid this grandchild repeating the family pattern of putting unrealistic expectations on people they respect and getting wildly upset when that person turns out to be fragile too.

    It was a difficult year waiting for your daughter to heal enough to let you into her life, but I am struck by your daughter telling you to ''get over it'', is it a sign that she wants to put an end to the conflict between you?

    Hope you are looking for ways to squash the anxiety, with many friends that i know it can take on a life of its' own even when the original causes for it have passed.

    What kind of a grandmother does your daughter need you to be? Will you need to put on a kind of mask to act out the role of an upbeat super-gran? It must be really frustrating if you both used to discuss and sort out out each others problems before hand. Are you finding other people to get emotional support from.?

    Does your daughter post family photos on facebook? lots of people put so much in their friends postings, which they won't when contacting people directly.

    wishing you a gentler anniverssary for next year.

  • Reading your post made me cry..so much pain and hurt for the both of you. Did you have a good relationship with your daughter before she lost the baby or have you both been at arms length. I am asking this because i am wondering is she blaming you for the things that happened in her life.This anger that she has towards you is very strong and the fact that she is sending you angry txts and not letting you into her own family is making me wonder about the relationship you had. My mother and myself cant be together because of the things she ignored while i was growing up and when my son died in a house fire aged 4 i thought we could try again but it didnt work out and now i dont see he but i never stopped her from seeing her grandkids as the problem was between her and me and not them. I do feel so sorry for what your going threw, depression is such a destroying illness. Not only can it hurt you but it can your family also unless they are willing to understand just how bad your depression is. I also think the loss of the baby is still with you both and as you say there is no closure for the both of you. I have that feeling myself as i didnt get to say goodbye to my son as i was in the burns unit for 3 months. I do think that there are a lot of unanswered question for both of you right now. It must have been so hard to have been there with your daughter and seeing what you saw but your daughter lost her child. Yes i do understand that it effected you so much that you totally lost who you were but i do think your daughter needed her mum more then than ever but you were in so much shock that you acted the way you did. I am not saying that you were wrong just trying to see it from an outside perspective..I do wish that in time that when thing maybe cool down that you and your daughter can sit down and have a real heart to heart and put the past were it belongs. I also hope that you keep getting help for the depression as you are very down on yourself and believe me masks can only last for a certain amount of time to cover what you dont want others to see. The time will come when your body and actions will scream so loud that the masks wont work any more..

    Wishing you hope and happiness to come

    Dont give up yet, there is still time

    Butterflykiss xxx

  • It's a mothers job to show the way if you manage to overcome this pain your hanging onto you will be a more attractive participant in your life and theirs. Everytime you write your story without progress you relieve your pain why not write, think and feel the story without self loathing. I do not have any credentials to be telling you this and that is why you should believe me. I might be one of those little universal messages that you would be finding if you were not stuck in the weeds you might bump into an unexpected flower. When I was twenty five I was so depressed I had to be hospitalized. Your need a good jolly counselor you need to find some merry friends and you need to take another look at that grandchild grandkids are a total hoot enjoy! I give you permission to forgive yourself and your daughter I give you permission to make someone smile once in awhile after 15 years of working for the state I was fired I was fortunate enought to see the Dali Lama and he told the story of being sent from his country never to go back his message after never being allowed into his home land is this turn the page one just has to turn the page. If you don't try you mental muscle will be weak tommorow even if it is cold I am walking my dog in at the sunniest time of day in the U.S.A in your honor I think I will ask my friend in Japan to do the same! Cheer up soldier! we have your back!

  • Hi,

    this sounds like such a hurtful, angry, messy situation, and it's only natural that you feel in such despair, distress and depressed.

    The first thing I could suggest is that you seek counselling. It is very important to feel that you have someone to talk to when there are such overwhelming emotions at play, and this has come as a huge shock to the system. Talking to someone impartial will really help you to put this situation in perspective and drill down what the real issues here are and ultimately what you are responsible for, what you aren't responsible for, and what you can positively do to manage your emotions and stress, and what is simply beyond your control.

    Let's try and tease out the different issues here:

    1) Your daughter is incredibly angry and taking it out on you

    Last year she also told me I was dead to her and when she became pregnant again she blocked me from most of the pregnancy. I told her her behaviour was making me more ill but that I was getting help for my severe depression. Hurtful text followed hurtful text and she told me to stay right away from her and her little family until I'd sorted myself out. Her texts tore me apart.

    2) you cannot understand why your daughter has reacted the way she has:

    We'd always been close and the pain I felt for her when she lost that longed for baby was born out of such deep love for her.

    Hurtful text followed hurtful text and she told me to stay right away from her and her little family until I'd sorted myself out. Her texts tore me apart. I howled every day because I disagreed with everything she had said and I couldn't and still can't understand why she cut me dead like she did.

    3) You cannot understand why your daughter is so angry with you

    Her allegations were so untrue it was soul destroying- all of it lies. t, it doesn't make sense. It's like she turned into a person I didn't know and destroyed me totally in the process.

    4) You are trying to stay a part of your daughter's life, but there doesn't appear to be a desire of your daughter's part for reconciliation. In fact, she is continuing to punish you.

    For a whole year she displayed her hatred of me. So now, because of the scars, every time her or her partner display the remotest annoyance towards me (which is normal and part of healthy relationships I know) my stomach lurches and I get so anxious and frightened because I think it's all happening again.

    I feel so traumatised by what happened a year ago I just can't move on. She said I need to, but how can I when there's no closure?

    5) You have tried to find ways to cope with your emotions

    I've joined various groups and organisations in my area but underneath my smiles are the tears.

    6) Finally, you don't think that your daughter has a right to be angry with you

    Her allegations were so untrue it was soul destroying- all of it lies.

    A certain journey between you and your daughter has led you to this current impasse and blame-game. Our brains and our hearts rail against the unresolvable. We want answers, we want to fix things, we want things to go back to how they were.

    Please seriously consider getting 1:1 counselling for yourself, and discuss with a counsellor, who is giving you the support that you need (you won't get it from your daughter or her family at this time) how to progress forward. And show compassion, for both of you. The parent-child bond is so so deep, that when one feels rejected, it is like a knife in the stomach, but neither of you will get past this without understanding where the other is coming from. It looks like you're going to have to start that journey on your own, but with time and patience, your daughter may try and meet you half-way.

    I really hope that you can find some peace in all of this sooner rather than later.

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