Hi, im a 25 year old female, working as a nurse with 2 children. I was diagnosed in 2010 with ITP and Lupus. My count had dropped down to 3. Only real symptom I had was the large bruises on my body in places they usually don't appear (ie..stomach and back). Because not much was known at the time I was told I could never have children..They told me this October 2010. by October 2011 I had my son. They told me don't go to nursing school. It will likely cause an lupus and ITP flare. I was accepted into nursing school Dec. 2011 and started nursing school Jan 2012. I spent many nights studying for exams in the Hospital ER and even left a few times AMA just so I could make the exam. I graduated almost top of my class. They told me I couldn't do it and I proved them wrong everytime. I go into the hospital atleast 3-4 times a year and always stay my 3 day stent. I found out I was allergic to the steroids they were giving me..so I end up taking an infusion once a week for 4 weeks. This last time, back in feb 2017 my count had dropped to 0. Im used to this happening but this time emotionally it was different. I had my second child Nov 2016. Had a lupus flare Dec 2016 and they gave me methotrexate. I found myself in the kitchen holding a knife to my wrist and about to cut. Only thing that stopped me was I heard my baby girl crying. I thank her daily for this even though she doesn't know what she did for me that night. I scared to leave my children alone. I scared that they may find me dead in my bed. That when I close my eyes I may never see them again. I never had these thoughts before. When I would stay my 3 day stent and do my weekly treatments all was fine and dandy. but this time was so much different, and Im not sure how to bounce back from it. My anxiety is threw the rough, I don't sleep at night, Im in constant pain, anxiety attacks I feel are slowly taking my breath...and my life. Im afraid of death. Im afraid it will sneak up on my when Im sleeping and wont be able to say goodbye to my children. I wont be able to hold them, kiss them, play with them, and just be mommy. I love my kids and the only reason I havnt given up yet is MY KIDS. sometimes I feel like nobody really understands what im going through. My family avoids talking about it because they don't know what to say. I don't want your pity, I just want someone to understand.....That's it.