How do I cope with video calls

[Bobbinlady1]

Hi, my husband has been in ICU on a ventilator for a month having contracted Covid at Christmas. He was given a tracheostomy last week and today I was able to have a video call with him for the first time. Obviously he can not speak, but I think he recognised me. I found it quite distressing to see him moving his head around in quite a jerky fashion but managed to hold it together (just) but I am worried that seeing me may have distressed him. Has anyone any advice as to how to handle these calls and what sort of things I should be talking about when I know that he can't respond?

[Ferham]

Hello, nothing can prepare you for that moment can it ? I assumed once my husband was off the vent, he would be sat up and smiling. I was devastated when I managed to face time him .I like you felt I had distressed him as he came agitated and aggressive (initially for several days he was motionless and would just stare through me ).

As hard as t was I just spoke to him about family, friends , we told him he had been very poorly and we were so proud of him, we tried to focus on things that didn't make him use his brain too much as we could see he was very confused .

We talked a little about his favourite meals , he couldn't understand why we couldn't be with him as it was in the first lockdown, he was angry with us for giving up on him and not being sat by his side .

We walked on egg shells for a couple of weeks whilst his delirium wore off. We showed him photos too .

He has absolutely no recollection on any of this, so please don't get upset.

[Bobbinlady1 in reply to Ferham]

Thank you. It is good to know that others have felt the same and got through it. Hopefully I won't be so shocked next time we video call and I might be better prepared.

[Sepsur in reply to Bobbinlady1]

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[Ren2985]

That first call is so hard. But each time you make a video call you start to see improvements. What I will say, is even for them to video call with us, it is exhausting or them. We used to video call every other day and my dad said no more. It was to much for him to handle after physio too. So we try to do it maybe every 4/5 days. If he’s sleeping during the call, we let him sleep. I find sleeo to be a huge part of the healing process so we try not to disturb him them. If you want, take pictures of each call you’re making and you will start to see the progress he’s making.

[Bobbinlady1 in reply to Ren2985]

Thank you. I was wondering how often to have the video call as the hospital said we could do them every day, but I thought that would be too much for him and me. The photo idea is a great one and I will try to do that too.

[LeopardGecko in reply to Bobbinlady1]

I did a call with my husband every day. Sometimes he fell asleep straight away but the nurse always encouraged me to still have a chat with him!

I agree with what has already been said. It is very upsetting but it's good when you start seeing snippets of improvement.

I always made myself a little list of things to talk about that day as I found that once I saw him, my brain would go completely blank. I chatted about what we had been doing and memories that popped up on Facebook. I also showed him some videos of our little boy and played him video messages from family and friends. At first the calls only lasted 10-15 mins but as he became more responsive, they got a bit longer. I don't think my husband remembers me being upset during the calls and they definitely became more manageable either because I got used to it or he started to improve 🙂

[Bobbinlady1 in reply to LeopardGecko]

Thank you for your replies. We had a second video call yesterday. We kept it short as my husband is very weak but he did smile when we put his new grandson in front of the screen and again when I 'sang' a bit of a silly song that we used to sing in the car when we were going on holiday! That smile meant the world to me after more than a month apart. He was also much less agitated, so it left me with better memories than our first call. I am realistic enough to know that not all calls will be as good as this one but in these situations I have learnt to hang on to any positive that comes our way.

[LeopardGecko in reply to Bobbinlady1]

I'm so glad it went well. There will always be ups and downs but at least you can start building up those positives. It sounds like your husband enjoyed the call too 🙂