interpersonal relationships and honesty!

[aspiemomma]

could anyone share their experiences of relationships and friendships as an adult aspie? i have only recently discovered my label, so to speak, thru having a child with the same condition and talking to his therapist - it certainly explains a lot of my childhood confusions! i am happy to be myself, have found some deep empathy as well as some problems to begin with in showing consideration (like i operate at the 2 extremes!) my hubby and i had a friend who we now realise probably has asperger's and he drifted away from us due to a reaction to his own emotional and social problems - we loved it when he was totally himself, even if he was sometimes obnoxious - lol - at least he was honest! he ended up 'pretending to be normal' as it were - and is not really such a happy person anymore - it's very sad. we have always since warned our son not to follow in his footsteps and to always be himself, - the only behaviour that ever needs addressing is how we treat others - we are free to ask for what we need and to be ourselves - and never, EVER pretend to be 'normal' (AAAAGGGGHHHH!) thanks so much for any experiences you would like to share

[kizzykat86]

hi there i am an adult aspie and i too found out i had it through two of my sons being diagnosised with it. I find it really hard to keep friends i find that people are in two catagories for me there either open or closed people open people i can make friends with a little easier but cant seem to work out how to keep them and closed people are like rocket science and i have no idea how to befriend them never mind keep them as a friend i have had to ask if the person is actually my friend and even then i cant tell weather there being honest about it or if they are just saying that because they want to be nice. i cant tell what people are thinking and its a major struggle for me and with having 4 kids the only thing i find hard about that is when there is parents nights or meetings with the teachers and things then i have to work hard to be able to get my point across and to make sure i know exactly what the teacher is talking about. when it comes to relationships i have relationships with my kids and my partner my mum and brother (sort of ) he is like me i think , i feel comfortable with them but with anyone else its hard. since i was little i have always longed for a friend and in my teen years i longed for someone to love and always got myself into trouble and even in dangerous situations just to have someone, in school i was bullied but didnt realize i was being bullied it just didnt occur to me and as a teen i met a guy who liked to hurt me and even kept me prisoner in a flat i had moved into with him , i have always immatate everyone i meet which just comes as an automatic thing now i have been doing that for so long i dont really know who i am but when i copyed people i didnt know if it was bad or good for instance one person liked to argue and fight and me copying that got me into trouble etc and i found it hard to understand why that was wrong if the other person done it and that was who they were. i dont show much emotion but i can empathize with people eg at my dads funeral i didnt cry at all but at my cousins whom i didnt know very well i watched his children cry and i cried because i could feel there hurt. and now im probably just rabbling on so i will finish now .

kirsty x

[Springsong]

Hi I have Aspergers & was diagnosed at 19yrs old after I had gone through school & experienced problems at secondary school.

Generally at primary school I was the popular kid that many people wanted to play with but I would often wait for them to ask me to play as I didn't know how to ask. Come secondary school I struggled as I initially stuck with my classmates who had come with me from primary but as they started making new friends I got left behind.

I joined theatre group & only through being asked to speak slowly to be understood did I start to focus on how I was speaking all the time & realised that much of the time I needed to act in this same way. I also went to an assertiveness course which I've used manytimes since in daily life.

Friends - I mostly have online/pen friends whom I write to or chat with online, but I have few local to me that I meet with or visit. I have always read deeply into other people's comments & even today have to remind my husband that I have Aspergers & that some things he says in anger I can be left for weeks trying to remind myself it was just anger & not really meant (comments like 'I wish you'd just leave me alone', 'I could strangle your mother', 'I want to flatten that child' all leave me questioning 'Does he REALLY want that'). Ironically though I have held roles such as Supervisor, Union Rep & Class Captain as people think I am good at listening to them & then voicing their views on (I enjoyed this but at the same time felt out of depth).

So principally, I love making friends but don't always no how to make the first move, I am better at listening than talking (I can struggle to find the words despite knowing what I want to say) & I often find myself trying to decypher between fact & fiction/sarcasm & frank honesty/joke & seriousness. Many people will tell me they like me yet I still get excluded because I'm not sure how to make the first move.