Can anyone give me some advice on what to do please?

I have been unable to sleep for the past 3 days, i'm scared to sleep because of nightmares i am having and i keep thinking about hurting myself when i am awake. I am struggling to keep things in my head straight. I have been signed off of work with depression and am currently taking citalopram 10mg and have been on this for around 6 weeks. For the first 3 weeks i had severe anxiety which caused me to have panic attacks for the next week and a half to 2 weeks everything seemed to be okay and i was feeling happy. But for i think the last week and a half to 2 weeks my mood has been dropping and this weekend just passed i've not been able to hold in or hide things i've stayed away from people as much as i can and this morning i sat in my flat while my friend sat out side waiting for me to help him with some work. I have been in tears on and off most of the weekend and thought about suicide over the past couple of weeks. I have a very logical mind and can't make any sense of anything lately which is very distressing, each time i think about hurting myself i sit and logically weigh up everything but as time passes and i feel worse i'm finding it much harder to do this and feel like i am losing my mind. I spent most of last night and this morning researching how best to hurt myself on google and came accross a site that listed all ways known and their statistical liklihood of success. the reason i stopped and looked for help was a passage that the site author wrote about not taking the suicide path. I need help and soon but do not know what to do or where to start. I was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome a year ago.

13 Replies

  • Hi there, I've just seen your post and felt really bad for you. I wish I could talk to you. Sometimes it must seem that suicide is the only way but it sounds to me that there is at least one friend who cares for you - I'd like to think that some people at your place of work would also care what happened to you.

    Do you remember what made you depressed?


  • Originally? no i can't remember but i have had a lot of stresses put on me the last few years and i've just kept them to myself and bottled everything up.

    I took some advice today and went to the hospital who were great, they decided that they would not hospitalize me there and then but are sending a crisis team to my home tomorrow afternoon to assess me further and decide on the next course of action, the lady did explain that this could be medication adjustment and counselling or hospitalisation and that if i don't answer the door they have the legal powers and responsability to break down my door which sounded a little scary.

  • Hi - I was a hopeless aspie once. Please believe me, you can come through this. Life is really worth walking through the tunnel.

    I was put on citalopram too but it had some scary side effects. I was switched to its newer form, escitalopram and it all settled down and I was able to work with cousellors.more easily. If you can get it, "Cognitive Psychotherapy" (CPT) is unique as it helps you to think in new ways. You have to get it through your GP's surgery to ensure you have a fully qualified specialist. You can self refer.

    I wish you well. Take your time and trust people who are helpful.

  • Hi

    Sorry to hear you are in such a state you will get through it I promise try not to think to much about what is passed you can do nothing to change that instead just concentrate on the next hour take each one at a time the nightmares are probley due to the citalopram and will pass as it starts to work it took me nearly 2 months to start to feel able to go out and even talk to famley and friends just hang in there

    Love alison

  • Thank you all :)

    the sadness is still running around in my head but after owning up to my friends and the support they've given me in just a day and i've just had the crisis team here who were so nice, i'm in better spirits. the suicide thoughts are still in my head but now after knowing how much i actually mean to some people i'm able to put the thoughts in the back of my head, not ideal but working. they also have the mental halth nurse practitioner on my case and are booking me in with the comunity mental health team for further assessment. They found it funny when they asked me what i was expecting seeing the crisis team and all i could say was lots of men in white coats kicking my door in. I actually thought that was what was going to happen though!

  • I didn`t read your blog until a short time ago, I was so glad when I scrolled down and got to the one 4 hours ago, very relieved you had spoken to friends and you`d received their support, sometimes it`s difficult to let others know how bad you`re feeling, but you have good insight into your feelings and seem able to convey them. It sounds like you have a good mental health team involved as well. Please, please speak to someone straight away, day or night if you are feeling so low you may harm yourself, your friends or you`ll have a number for the crisis team.

    Please also let us know how you progress, what you wrote was really heartfelt, no-one reading it could have failed to be moved, I expect we all felt the same, we wanted to help you and we all wish you well, you`re very brave, reading your thoughts will also help others feeling as you do because you`re not alone. Take step at a time, you`ll be OK.

  • Thank you Elzia and everyone :)

    It was more me calling for help, i wrote that scared out of my mind litterally! I don't think i do have a good insight into my feelings, i feel stuff and know what the feelings do to me but have very little clue what each feeling is, that i think is why i got into such a state. i have an update anyways :)

    I recieved a call from my GP telling me he has booked me an appointment for Friday at 5.30pm to help sort out my medication, have a talk on how i am and what happened and he also said he will help me with my sick notes. i've been so low and i never realised how crippling it can be, it stops you from being able to do the most basic things! it doesn't help that to see my doctor normally i have to book an appointment 2 or more weeks in advance! the only reason i got this appointment was the crisis team contacted him and said he needs to see me asap!

    I feel really bad and hope i haven't gotten anyone in to trouble as i did not go back to see him for a while as i felt i could not face anyone or anything :(

    I'm in my first stages of recovery i hope though, oh and i also have an appointment with the community mental health team, i'm about to call them now :)

    The way i see things is being an Aspie may have helped me as i sat and logically analysed what whas going on and weighed everything up, i don't think i'd have done that if i was an NT so being an aspie with a handfull of great friends is what i believed saved my life :)

  • Yes I think we could tell and all felt for you. I still feel you do have a good insight, as you say you have sat down and logically analysed what was happenng, you know how you are feeling and most importantly you`re able to explain, that`s really good, sometimes people know how they`re feeling but just can`t put it into words. It is scary too, not to be able to make sense of your feelings, that`s why you need the professionals to do this for you, and it does seem as if they are, they know you`ll have ups and downs and they know the best way to help, also don`t worry about getting anyone into trouble, they understand and they`ll reassure you if you tell them that`s how you feel.

    It`s nice to hear you saying you`re on the first stages to recovery, that`s a very positive statement...a good one. The community mental health team will also be very helpful, just remember don`t bottle anything up, you have all of this people fighting in your corner.....please continue to give us updates, I`m sure what you`re going through will help others in a similar are doing really well.

  • Hello, it's great that you did seek help with the professionals - they certainly know how to help. I'm really glad that everyone here also chipped in and I'm sure they will be ready to help again.


  • Even more, i just called David at Autism Sussex who has been in my corner regards my employer and he is going to speak to my employer about recent events for me as i've not been able to bring myself to contact them, i have tried but hav not been able to follow through. He has also invited me to to join their social group which i shall do when i am a bit more stable :)

  • Hi Hopeless Aspie, I hope you're feeling happier now. I have had many days myself when after months of bottling things up something inside me boils over & I literally ask people 'what's wrong with me?' in my plea for help.

    You're doing the right thing by talking to people about how you feel. I have my GP calling me every 6-8wks to see how I'm feeling (I recently lost a lot of weight without even realising I was doing so as I was so anxious/stressed about the world around me) & talk to family & friends more now when things start to concern me, it certainly helps having others know & understand your emotions so they in turn can help you through them.

    Best wishes.

  • This is great news too, and good you`re thinking about joining the group when you feel more able...another good sign.

  • Dear, whatever happens in life, always be determined to face it. I know your situation and I can tell you by experience that even if you don't see a way out, even if you don't see a light, know that there is a light and that there will be a way out. Have faith! Keep faith! Go on and on and on, and, if you don't know how, just keep on breathing. This is all gaining experience. One day you will look back and be soooooo happy that you went through it. Happiness will be yours, for sure! Good luck!

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