my partners 22 year old son has mild autisum,he stays with us 3 days a week.my partner dosen't talk about the condition,i think he dosen't

want to admit his son has autisum.i am trying to get some understanding of the condition,so as to be more patient.example is leaving bedding on bed.expected the bed to be made,but insted the covers are put to one side.i wonder if this is just lazy or is this something that son finds to difficult to do.He works as a carpenter,so i would have thought he could make a bed.

I feel that if this is part of the condition,my partner should stop making excuses for his son and give him some help.

Be grateful for any thoughts.

10 Replies

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  • It could be that he has never learned how to make a bed or that he is uncertain of 'doing it right'. I have Aspergers myself & first learned how to make a bed by helping my mum make our beds during my teens. I then took up a chambermaiding role briefly for work experience & was taught a 'different' way of making a bed. Now I am married & have children of my own I still put both learned skills to use (my husband prefers fitted sheets so I don't need to worry about that part) but occasionally my husband will 'neaten' my efforts as he makes the bed in yet another manner to the two I have learned.

    As such you could try asking whether he would help you make the bed(s) & see how he responds.

  • Thanks for your reply.

    I hadn't thought about him being afraid of doing it wrong.

    I think my partner would take it the wrong way if i ask his son to help me make the bed.He's very protective and goes on the defence if i do the wrong thing regarding his son,thats why i am trying to find out something about autisum from this site as i cant ask him.I would have said son's behaviur was just normal teenage boy stuff,but he's 22.

  • I think this is normal human mannerisms & habits & nothing to be concerned about. But you should question it for more information meme45 .

  • A lot of people with ASD suffer form problems with "executive function" they will seem to be disorganised and sometimes even lazy to other people. They may forget to do some things or struggle with tasks that require many steps. Sometimes they simply do not feel the things expected of them are as important as trying to get on with other aspects of their lives which takes a great deal of mental energy. People with ASD work very hard to live in a world that largely does not understand them. They make so much effort constantly and this can be quite exhausting to them. They can make mistakes and do not always understand what is expected by others

    . You have to ask yourself if the bed really matters? Maybe he simply makes it before getting into it at night, for him this may just be the way he prefers things. Take time to get to know him and drop your expectations with regard to tidiness and organisation. People with ASD are generally very bright, honest and loyal people. Most have had a tough time. If he works as a carpenter this is to be commended, some people with ASD find that although they are bright and able that they cannot work due to the social pressure and expectations placed upon them. I hope this helps.

  • thanks for your reply.

    I think like you say maybe he dosen't understand what is expected of him.when i leave the clean bedding on his bed,it is plain to me that im expecting him to make the bed,but he doesn't see that ,and puts it on the floor and sleeps without the sheets and quilt cover.

  • Oh bless him. Forgive me, I'm sure that's not what you feel. Aspergers is challenging, I wish both of my boys (with Aspergers) we're working.

    One has serious problems with Authority and interaction with people in general, the other, well, it seems like he is lazy, but he has very strong ideas, expectations and if people don't live up to that he just storms out. Hence, we have not spoken for around a year, which is terribly hard.

    I've already suggested this evening that a book called the "Autistic Spectrum" by Lorna Wing, and is available on Amazon very cheaply second hand, is an excellent book, she has now been working with the National Autistic Society for many years.

    My eldest son, although he hates dirty hands would live happily in something akin to a dirty old skip, his room would be disorganised, full,of his belongings every where, sweet,cake and goodness knows what other packaging strewn every where, but that is his comfort zone.

    He too would do exactly the same, regarding sleeping on the bed and leaving the covers off.

    Your partner, as many men do, won't want to discuss his son, he may as others do try and convince himself that if he doesn't talk about it, it doesn't exist.

    I have a really hard time with my husband of 2 years, my sons are 20 & 22, he forgets continually that they have Aspergers and we argue, even though they don't live with us, over their behaviour and habits.

    I think that what your doing is really good, finding out for yourself what Aspergers is like and I hope that we have all helped with our answers.

    Kind regards

    1H

  • I have a son who was & is a stickler for detail. Tidiness, neatness etc. He would be any army's best recruit. He is actually in a job similar so he's found the right avenue in that discipline suits him. Asperger's & Autism is only another human discipline, human trait often combined with genius many people cannot understand.

  • It may be worth making the bed for him and pointing out that you are doing it out of love and your care for him, to show you understand. This will remove the issue and your partner will see the kindness too, this will ease things between you. He is probably very protective towards his son because he has had to deal with other people not understanding and being unkind. Autistic people are sometimes very hurt due to past experiences and by doing a kindness he will grow to trust you and will appreciate your help, even if he doesn't know how to tell you that this is how he feels! It may be good to read up on ASD, Tony Attwood has written some wonderful books on the subject. You are to be commended because you are making the effort to understand. It can be tough to understand because you have to ignore your gut instinct and learn the way an autistic person thinks!

  • It`s very good that you`re concerned and wish to help your partner`s son. Having a son myself with autism I know him well but still have difficulty understanding sometimes. The behaviour you explain is common, he doesn`t understand what`s expected. I have spoken to a Doctor trained in autistm, he told me most rooms in autistic units are very untidy and they are left that way because they prefer it. People with autism often find it difficult to express their feelings, but if you show kindness, patience and understanding you`ll get more response, he`ll begin to trust you. It must be very difficult for a person with autism, read all you can, it`ll help you both.

  • That was short but beautiful eliza1000

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