I was diagnosed with dementia in 2017. Now it has got to the stage invited by relatives for a social evening, ninety percent of the evening completely ignored! [you can see it in their faces, dementia!] I have forgotten what my doctors face looks like, even with the pandemic, invites me in, sits there looking at his b##### laptop, clicking away, "Are you feeling ok?" [why would I be visiting him?] Recent hospital visits, medical staff treat me like an imbecile [their notes open "dementia" heavily underlined!] Recently in my local cafe, they obviously have found out, call out my name, plastic smile, coffee and nothing, no quirky remarks, silence! Old friends, "sorry important meeting! see you next Wednesday" next Wednesday, repeat performance!
All I want now is a revolver, even a lethal injection, something quick! I live on my own, always preferred my own company, intelligent, high IQ, cannot understand or care for younger generation, now terminally ill, epilepsy for over fifty years, had over 400 + major seizures, my next seizure "will probably be your last!"
I'm now so tired all the time, no ambition, perpetual anger, I think I could do something, brain fog, I could do something today, could not give a sh## ! No real friends now, an historian, always mixed with older generation, who have all died, was looking forward to "retirement" I'm 65, apparently getting some sort of pension, I will be put in a home, with my claustrophobia, forget it! So much ambition when younger, health ALWAYS held me back, hated the area I live in, always have, but needed "health care" to survive, realisation my health care in this area has always been Neolithic, wanted to travel, now too late!
Latest remark from my big sister in England, "Why don't you take up stamp collecting, it's history related?" Actually thought I was living on care from another sister, who lives nearby! DOH!! My eyesight is terrible enough! I have a very rare medical condition, Schwannomatosis, even the rest of the family after fifty years with it, cannot understand it, their screwed up faces when I try to explain it to them, "it's not genetic!" [they don't believe that!]. My financial situation is dire, actually selling off bits of household furniture, and my historical research library, just to survive, because I'm a "one off" I slip between the lines in benefit 'claims'! Maybe relatives actually finding out my TRUE situation now, it's too b##### late!
