Situational stress/PTSD help, please

[Mstislav]

Please, can anyone give me advice on how to self-help? My ninety-year-old father was hospitalised because he hallucinated, thanks to an infection. (He has since been discharged) I live on a university campus during the week and have been going home at weekends. I have Asperger's and ADHD. I am also undergoing investigations for various health conditions. The most recent is concerning. I am having blood tests and a scan to rule out cancer markers. I find myself extremely anxious, not sleeping and unable to concentrate. My father does not understand. I cannot hope with my own problems and the doctor says to me that I need to take care of myself. When I said to my father that I was not feeling well, having difficulty breathing and could not talk this electrified him and I again received the backlash. This has made me 100% worse. I am afraid to go home and I have no siblings or support network. The doctor said she could try to make an appointment with a mental health nurse for me but she doubted that she would phone me as I do not live at home. In any case I cannot get anyone to appreciate my situation. Everyone always starts talking about my father. Incidentally he presents us as very reasonable to outsiders.

[BrainIsFull]

It's a very difficult situation that you are in.I would suggest finding health professionals that can come to your father's house and provide care for him. I know that it is a complicated process to do that but it sounds like he needs professional help so that you don't have to do it all yourself. Then you can focus on finding the help that YOU need.

[Mstislav in reply to BrainIsFull]

Thanks for the suggestion, BrainIsFull. Unfortunately, my father says that he has sufficient help and when medical personnel have asked who does X or Y for him, he has always said Mstislav. Hence, everyone turns to me. I've managed to get him to say that I am unavailable on certain occasions. Boy, does that heap up passive aggression/emotional blackmail. Without my father's agreement (according to social services) there is really nothing I can do.

[BrainIsFull in reply to Mstislav]

This is really hard. My father is similar. He presents as very capable and is reluctant to accept help from outside sources. It is exasperating for the caregivers.I know with my father that my brother has had to be very firm and set really strong boundaries and sometimes just say "this has to happen, you need help and I can't do it". All of this is easier said than done. Our parents are adults. They can refuse help.

Maybe you can try to talk to any potential caregivers, doctors, social services yourself either with your father or on your own. You could present it to your father as" everyone needs to be on the same page" and try to be at appointments with him or maybe join by phone or Zoom. That way you could jump in and let the caregivers know that you have limits. It may be a step towards you providing less physical help to him and giving you a break. 💚

[Nathalie99 Partner]

I am very sorry that you are going through such a very difficult situation, Mstislav.There are times when taking care of others takes priority but long term it will be unsustainable if you can't take care of yourself. I know most people say this, to take care of ourselves before taking care of others, as carers but it is hard with very difficult dillemmas.

I understand that the pressure of your father's needs and the priority due to his age means you don't have the ability to take care of your own health.

You shared that you live on a campus. Would it be at all helpful if you spend some of the weekends there? Does your father rely only on you caring for him or is there anyone else?

I think it is a lot of pressure, going through health problems yourself. You need to take care of your mental health as well. It is important. You need the strength to get through this.

Do you have a councellor or someone you could talk to on campus, just to start from?

[Mstislav]

Thanks, Nathalie99. I am now trying to stay on campus at the weekends. It's very costly for me, but I have found a few good spaces to work and the tranquility is very calming. The thought of unexpected phone calls or text messages, however, means that there is always some underlying tension.

[Hidden]

Hi Mstislav, I'm glad to see you're reaching out for support in a difficult time. I understand you're in a hard position, but it is great that you do have a life of your own to look forward to with school. Are you able to keep up with your classes despite the stress? Talking to your teachers, or a counselor for assistance might be helpful if not. Also, you may find support groups near you for Asperger's and ADHD that might be helpful to develop a network to rely on. Most of all, keeping up with our interests and passions despite stress is what is important in keeping our spirit healthy. So prioritize this, and your school work. Find ways to create joy in your day, and maintain physical health with exercise and diet, a little will go a long way. Remember you are only responsible for yourself. I know boundaries with parents are hard in these cases, so I can't give much solid advice there, but do what you can and stay strong.

[SavingGrace Administrator]

Good evening, Mstislav. It's good to meet you

It can't be easy navigating personal/family time in this way, so I feel for you - having been through similar times where I stayed with my Grandmother/s... each time whilst working full-time.

Most of all, I know that they supported me 100% although it was a challenge - perhaps a generational one/or just a consequence of old age? - to come to an understanding and be on the same page.

I always wish I had kept working on it with my maternal Grandmother. I was younger then and perhaps less mature....

Though in recent years, with my paternal Grandmother, staying/working full-time drove me nuts - mostly because I did not feel I had my space or respect.

Your father obviously needs you. We all need someone as we get older. A perfect, open dialogue and appreciation may be difficult to come by - yet I believe it is worth crafting....

Whatever you choose, however, know that you have done what is best for your health and sanity and that - above all (YES....) is actually really very important here at the end of the day.

Sending blessings.

SG