A void

Going through PTSD feels like such a void. There was so much lying going on when I was a kid that what I knew to be true as an adult isn't true. The repressed memories continue to surface and it is really difficult. Nothing really fills the void of what was lost by being stuck with these people who were scaring me with what they were doing. How do you stay patient with the process of healing?

10 Replies

  • I hear you, willingtoheal! It's like I thought I grew up in one world - and found out it was totally different. That's a tough place when the repressed memories are surfacing! The solace I've had when that has been going on is that it's less work over the long term to release that old stuff. All the effort I did to repress and run from those memories was totally draining.

    Patience - it sure is difficult to be patient. The feeling is "this is all there is, and it's always going to be that way." Well - it feels that way, but trust me, it doesn't work that way. I liken it to a wave running up on the beach. Eventually it will subside and fade out. I just have had to hold on to what others that I trusted said - "this too shall pass."

  • Thank you Dan_H that really helps.

  • You're very welcome! :)

  • willingtoheal, for a long time I believed that the abuse was caused by something bad that I did. There was so much lying and conniving (each for their own reasons) that I ended up believing that what they said was true. When memories really began to surface I chased them away, thinking I was really off my rocker-how in the world did I come up with that stuff anyway! It was so outlandish that I had to be making it up. Took a long time to admit to myself that the things I was remembering were real. It hurt like hell, knowing that I had come from those people!

    I don't know that anything can fill that void of what you lost. I know that sometimes I allow myself to talk to that little girl that is still me (in my case sitting in the garage, a safe place back then). She is always there waiting-I tell her how proud I am of her, and how strong she was. I thank her for not giving up and for being there for me today. It's a really hard thing to do and brings a bunch of tears. Worth it though-she deserves it and so do you.

    Don't know how to stay patient well either. I bounce from small moments of 'normality' to brain fog which to be honest scares the crap out of me because I still fight some things so hard. Seems like I want it all to be over right now so I can get on with my life. Amazed that I actually have one. Doesn't work like that. A process-not quite fast enough for us.

    Hope just the littlest part of my rambling helped.

  • Thank you bendown2times. What you said really helps me. I need to be reminded to talk to that little girl inside me. I didn't see you as rambling but really sharing your true self. It makes me feel like I'm not alone and is so comforting for you to share how you feel. Yes I feel proud of that girl inside of me. I feel like I did the best I could and I'm still here. I feel encouraged by what you told me. Thank you.

  • I can relate to every single thing you say, bendown2times!

  • Its difficult,frustrating.but sites like this help...to hear others stories and suggestions ...have others to listen to you and know your not alone or the only one who has gone down this road.

  • So true nessa3. I feel really listened to, really helped by what people write. I feel really encouraged. Yes and I don't feel alone. Thank you for writing.

  • I really feel your pain, willingtheal. There are some sayings that really helped me through the "emergency stage" when I was getting lots of memories:

    One day at a time. And if that is too much, one hour, one minute at a time. That's all we have, all anyone can do.

    Be gentle with yourself. Try not to "should" on yourself for not healing faster.

    You're right where you need to be.

    Trust the process.

    Also, it's important to surround yourself with multiple sources of support. A skilled therapist is great (and for most, a must), but not really enough. Support groups (in person or online), therapy groups, books, and a phone list of supportive friends.

    And don't forget to do things just for fun. It can be so tempting to just immerse yourself in the pain and memories and do nothing else.

    Take care of yourself.

    You didn't deserve it. It wasn't personal; it was about their sickness, not about you. You were just a handy target.

    This too will pass.

  • Thank you so much. I'm following a lot of your advice. It really helps. Thanks for the reminders to trust the process.

You may also like...