I have had a long run of feeling good but PTSD is still deep inside. I decided to try to lower my dose of antidepressants so I have slowly reduced my intake by 37.5 mgs per week for the past few weeks with doctors permission and monitoring. I have reached my goal of reducing my medicine to half the regular dose and for the most part, I have not had any major difficulty. I have suffered from headaches each morning but I have lived with daily headaches most of my life so they are manageable.
After reaching my goal, I thought I had done well but I did not take in account the delay of having the residual medicine in my blood stream.
A few days ago, I felt very good and energetic. Energetic is very unusual for me so I put it to good use by cleaning out my garage. During my garage cleaning, the people around me were getting very uncomfortable. They are not used to seeing me working so hard and did not know how to react to this.
I was like a bull in a china cabinet and I found that my emotions were very enhanced. My attention was not focused on how I was perceived by others as I normally would be. I was more interested in getting a long wanted chore done. During this time, I was accidentally hurting others feeling and by the time I finished the job, I had dug myself a pretty deep emotional hole with the people around me.
Like my high feelings of happiness and energy, I found my anger was just as intense. I was caught off guard when my loved ones did not respond well towards me. I did not understand that I had injured anyone during my whirl wind of activity. My anger came up fast and furious. I stopped short of name calling but only so. I felt very uncomfortable with my anger so I emotionally shutdown. I did not know how to deal with the sudden swing of emotions.
The next day after I talked with a few people about my behavior, I tried again but I was unable to keep my composure. So I shut down again and removed myself from the situation. Only after my second attempt talking about the last few days, did I realized that I might have been reacting to my drug reduction.
I think my reactions scared me. I grew up with people that raged towards me and I did not want to be like those people. I have been able to control my anger over the years but in return I would get depressed. I am not sure which is better though. I do know that my anger in this situation is very out of proportion to the what has happened.
I am going to talk with my doctor today and see how I can find a solution to this. I know it is very difficult on the people around me. It is not acceptable for me to rage on anyone. It is against my internal value system. I am sure I just need more time for my body to adjust to my drug reaction. I will ask my doctor. Wish me well.