Hello. New and tired.

[jo80hanna]

I found out about 6 months ago that I have PTSD along with anxiety, panic and depression.  I have been in therapy since I was 17 and I am now 35.  I feel this is never ending.  Lately I have been having eposides happening every two months.  Sometimes I take a month to get out and sometimes weeks.  I didnt realize that childhood abuse (emotional, physical and sexual) was what caused me to have PTSD.  I am still learning what PTSD is but I honestly am sick of feeling these knots in my stomach.  I also chose to no longer take medication to assist.  I feel like a mess.  I have a great therapist but I am tired of feeling this way.  I get to the point that i cant see how my husband will stay and raising my son gives me flashbacks and leaves me feeling guilt for things that are not exsistant.  Looking for some hope and encouragement.

[GeminiDancer Major Contributor]

I can relate. I've been in therapy since I was 22 and 38 now.  I still have emotional flashbacks.  Just had a bad one this weekend I'm fighting to get out of.  Childhood sexual and emotional abuse for me too. Since my first memory until I was 16.  That's a lot of entrenched damage to come back from.  I've been trying to wean off my medication as well which can also be challenging. I've felt like a mess as well. 

We are fighters and survivors.  It's so difficult but I'm trying to focus on my strength.  PTSD causes us to only see our fear and weaknesses but to even still be here and still working toward healing is nothing but proof of our indomitable spirit.  

Strength and blessings to you. Keep reaching out here.  This community really does understand and is so supportive and compassionate.  

[jo80hanna in reply to GeminiDancer]

Thank you for your response!  It does help to know that we are not alone in this fight to not let fear win and take us down.  

[Hidden in reply to jo80hanna]

You are not alone. That's the biggest lie we tell ourselves, that there is no one else in this world who is like us or understands us. 

Being able to recognize the nature of what we are dealing with is the first step in beating this monster. 

Sometimes it takes multiples approaches. Therapists , support groups, (healthy) friends & relationships, exercise, nutrition - complete lifestyle changes.

I applaud your decision to stop medication. That stuff was never made to heal us...  & your body has the capacity to heal on its own. 

But these are things that take time. 

& when you get a late start it's frustrating , but in 2 years you could progress a lot further than the last 17.. Now that you know what you're dealing with. 

I find that living in the moment & being thankful for the blessings I have today is what helps best, despite feeling so treacherous at times. 

Despite feeling so alone.

Do you have a supportive husband & son?  Instead of feeling guilty or afraid, thank them. Focus on their love & support & show them how much you appreciate them & love them... & how grateful you are for their support. Plan a nice outing together, or dinner.  

If we are thankful for our blessings we can shift our focus off our own (percieved) inadequacies, guilt, etc. that immobilize us & prevent us from moving forward.  Even if it's just for a moment.

& Each time we steal that moment back from the negative thinking we win a small victory. 

One day at a time. 

[jo80hanna]

The crazy part is that it has been only this past year I was told i have PTSD.  You would think after a decade of therapy that someone would have said something earlier.  

[Hidden in reply to jo80hanna]

I relate to your frustration about the slow diagnosis. I have been in therapy and on and off meds from the age of 18. I was just diagnosed with CPTSD last August  (by my 3rd psychiatrist) at the age of 39. When I went for my initial appointment with her I walked in with 13 diagnoses. I walked out with 1 - CPTSD. Suddenly the patterns in my life made since. 

It stinks that we often spend so many years misdiagnosed resulting in inadequate or incorrect treatment. 

I have gone back on meds in the last 6 months along with starting EMDR treatment. In this relatively short time I have seen small improvements that in the past have taken years to achieve. 

I'm glad you finally received the right diagnosis and want to encourage you to continue to pursue therapy. Things can and do get better. It isn't easy, but what has been in life.... it is worth it!

[jo80hanna in reply to Hidden]

I am also doing emdr and find it helpful and intimidating but I have made more progress in 6 months then I have in over a decade of therapy. However I do hate when I get these knots of anxiety and when it hits I am in my bed unable to eat or do anything. This time it lasted two days in bed but I want zero days 

[Hidden in reply to jo80hanna]

Same thing happened to me.  Had it since I was 8 , officially diagnosed 30 years later - at 38. Supposedly it was only "depression" that I had.