Very horrible dream.

Ok so when I was 4 my father molested me. Yesterday I was talking with my therapist about it a little. We haven't gone into the details but it was heavy on my mind after I left the session. Well, last night I had a dream that my father urinated in my mouth. The worst part is that I woke up and realized that I had an orgasm in my sleep. I am completely and utterly disgusted about the whole thing for so many different reasons. I do plan to talk to my therapist about this next time I see her, but I feel like I can't wait until our appointment. I dissociate and sometimes when I do I call her and leave stupid messages that don't make sense. I've apologized for doing this but she tells me I don't have to be sorry. I feel she says that to make me feel better. ...but if I call her and leave a message about my dream on her vm she may get upset. She may not know what the hell to say to me, you know? I am just horrified with this and I don't know what to do.

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18 Replies

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  • Could you wait until you see her as it probably isn't the thing to leave in a phone message though it will be of some significance I am sure.

    Gemma x

  • Thank you for your insight on the topic. You're right, I suppose it would be a strange message to get. .lol.

  • Jwlr -- I'm so sorry for the discomfort of that dream. Often, as I'm sure you know, what we work on consciously in therapy our mind works on subconsciously while we sleep. If this kind of dream continues to happen you might like to listen to an expert describe how to use and change your dreams:

    changeyouchoose.com/using-y...

    Right off the bat I'd say to trust your therapist when she says she doesn't mind the messages. Many of us in the healing profession are here because we genuinely want to be helpful, so we understand when symptoms cause unwanted behaviors. Dissociation is very common in PTSD.

    Also, if your therapist has experience in this field then I bet you're not the first person she's seen to have these issues. So many times survivors say to me, "This is going to sound crazy but...." And the thing is, they always sound sane to me; as a survivor I've either felt what they are feeling or, as a trained professional, I've worked with enough people to have heard/experienced their issue before.

    This is all to say that while the dream is definitely uncomfortable the true you (who obviously has integrity) exists and a good therapist knows the difference.

  • Thank you so much for your reply. It does make me feel better to 'hear' another professional tell me their opinions. Since that night, I have had a few more disturbing dreams of that nature but I think it's a little easier to handle after the initial dream. Of course I am stuck thinking that I have some sick disgusting perversion based on the nature and outcome of these dreams. I've got to wait until Thursday before I get a chance to see my therapist and I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my skin. Like I'm just a step away from some being a peeping Tom without the ability to resist my sexual urges, even though I am not wanting any of the things in my dreams to come true. Every time I think about it I get sick to my stomach and I feel complete and utter shame and guilt. I feel like she's going to be disgusted with me and not want to talk to me anymore. I'm so scared that she is going to want to just get rid of me. Despite all the horrible feelings I have toward myself, I really do appreciate your help.

  • jwlr928- Believe me, if your therapist has put in any amount of time in her field, she has heard far worse than what you are bringing here. I promise you that I have, and I am not a therapist. I am not minimizing your pain or embarrassment about this at all.

    Having survived much the same type of abuse around the same age and for years afterward, I get it. A couple of things I want to say-

    -Your body can respond sexually to things that can appall your mind.

    -NOTHING is wrong with you for dreaming about this and responding physically.

    -NOTHING is wrong with you if you had been AWAKE and responded physically to this as a thought.

    Your therapist can handle this. Don't worry about her response. She's heard it before.

  • Thank you. I guess intelligently I understand that about the body and mind, I just feel like it only applies to everyone else not me. Up until the time I was about 12 the abuse continued as well, not from my father though. You know, I've gone from being a person that was functioning as a "regular" person, to having a complete mental breakdown and being unable to function properly in any freaking way. I am unable to be physical with my girlfriend but then these dreams keep intruding. ..ugh. I know the things you said are true, but I just feel violated mentally and physically in areas I swore I never would be again. Thank you again for your help.

  • Well Jwlr- you are "functioning" in here- so that is at least one place you're doing OK! Look man- you ARE a REGULAR person, you just had some things happen to you that never, ever should have.

    I get what you mean by feeling violated by things mentally and physically by things that you thought no longer had that power. Keep doing the work and seeking/ supporting your highest self and you'll heal. Try to have patience with the process and yourself. Keep reaching out. There are several here that have experienced what we have. You have support here.

  • Thank you. Your words really struck a cord. I guess I am functioning, may not be the same as before but I am. Everybody's words here have helped me see that in all this. I'm just very impatient and I want to fix everything that is wrong with me right now, you know? You know that feeling when you have been violated and a part of you feels like you liked it and therefore deserved or asked for it? That's a tough one to shake off right now, for whatever reason. You guys are awesome, thanks again.

  • "You know that feeling when you have been violated and a part of you feels like you liked it and therefore deserved or asked for it?"

    Yeah, I do. Breathe, man. That feeling of getting it 'all done at once' really can spin you up- hard. Pushing too hard/too fast, can make you miss things on the path. You dang sure don't want to have to go back down that same path and do it again if you can avoid it!

    FYI-- that is only my opinion based on my own experience Jwlr, not gospel truth. Your mileage may vary.

    Be proud of your willingness to do the work. Honor your work. Honor your courage to be here while you're at it. Even anonymously, saying this stuff is hard to do. Courage needs witnesses. We're listening.

    FYI-- THAT sh** is carved in stone.

  • That really means a lot. Trying to rush through all this is something that I have been working on. My therapist tells me the same thing, to slow down and let it unravel as it will. Being under the impression that I need to be perfect really throws a wrench in things. Thank you again, you've given me something to think about other than these horrific dreams.

  • Not to be rude in any way, but I want to save you the suspense and maybe some pain here. Perfection is not only over-rated, it is frickin' NON-EXISTANT!

    Your best IS good enough, when you are thoroughly honest with yourself and steadily doing the work .

    Clarity in the face of this level and type of pain, is difficult at best. Please, go easy on yourself Jwlr- this is a turtle race. I too, am a rabbit by nature.

    Know that you are not alone by a long shot. It helps me to know that.

    You being here and being open and honest about what is going on helps me too. Thank you for sharing your truth.

  • I didn't find that to be rude at all. I've always had a problem being way to hard on myself, and forced to chase that image of perfection knowing I never could. I've been in this very intense therapy for almost 2 years and I am still trying to grasp many of the concepts being taught to me. I appreciate your honesty though, that type of interaction motivates me to try and treat myself like a human being that makes mistakes. Thank you man.

  • That really means a lot. Trying to rush through all this is something that I have been working on. My therapist tells me the same thing, to slow down and let it unravel as it will. Being under the impression that I need to be perfect really throws a wrench in things. Thank you again, you've given me something to think about other than these horrific dreams.

  • That really means a lot. Trying to rush through all this is something that I have been working on. My therapist tells me the same thing, to slow down and let it unravel as it will. Being under the impression that I need to be perfect really throws a wrench in things. Thank you again, you've given me something to think about other than these horrific dreams.

  • Ditto...

  • I definitely have trouble doing this, the more I learn the more I try to wrap my head around it. Knowing that there is no magic wand to wave over my head puts me in a state of panic and self loathing. Being unable to reverse the things that happened to me brings on a real sense of shame. In the past, I never had anyone to help me. ..or to look me in the eyes and tell me that I am not expected to do this alone. You all have really helped me get past these feelings brought on by the dreams. I have a lot of triggers, and before therapy I would just pretend that I wasn't affected by them. Hell I didn't even know what they were, but having you guys here to help me see what I'm doing and to give me that extra shove has been great these past few days. It really helps to restore my faith in human beings, and to slowly chip away at the immense fear I have in reaching out. Thank you for your input.

  • This helps a great deal, thank you. I've done some similar exercises to help me with dissociation. I have found it to work very well at times, but I never thought to apply it to the racing thoughts and feelings. I really appreciate your help and advice.

  • I can't get these thoughts to stop. My mind is going over and over these dreams. I haven't been able to stay sober and I can't stop obsessively researching. I've got 2 days to go until I see my therapist and each moment feels like a decade. I don't know if I can cope with this. My obsession with this dream and my own sexuality is reaching a fever pitch. I'm trying to keep my mind out of the bottle, but I fail every time. I know I should be strong and just tell myself that it's the trauma talking. I can't get out of the vicious cycle of thinking and feeling like I am a worthless piece of crap that can't get my damn thoughts together. The dream just keeps showing up in my mind, and my desires are so skewed that I don't even know what I want anymore. There's not enough drugs or alcohol in the world. I'm so lost and so alone in my life that I don't know what to do. I beg for help but I don't think anyone hears me. I'm on the edge and I can't find my way back.

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