Im from the UK, I have children, chickens and ive been writing incessantly for the last month, I think ive been writing to avoid contact with other people, especially my husband. Ive no idea what direction my writing is going in but it has revealed a lot about myself, which is why I got in touch.
Basically, i dont know if im on the right forum, but some of the things ive read about ptsd are things i feel i suffer, before this i thought it was my husband who did. Ive never been diagnosed, ive suffered with depression a few times, i now suffer fibromyalgia and recently was diagnosed with arthritis. To put my long and tedious story in a nutshell, ive been married for 22 years, have amazing kids and up to now ive not had much time for me. Something changed that a few months ago, i had a dream. When i woke i knew i had to write, but when i tried to write what i wanted to i kept going off in another direction. Everything i write about, no matter what characters i write about, they all seem to reflect my feelings. Ive learned a lot about myself in the last month.
I have to also say my reasons for feeling the way i do. Ten years ago my husband was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Up to that point we had been incredibly close, inseparable. After the diagnosis he shut off to me and would run to his mother and i found out about his feelings and symptoms through her, i got very lonely. I found someone who listened to me, believe me up to that point in my life i would never have considered even talking to another man bar my husband but he found out i had been in communication with this person and threw out all my stuff onto the street. His brother rang me one day and told me i couldnt leave his brother because he had ms and he needed me. I was a weaker person back then and i took his threat seriously. I stayed. He began to drink and got aggressive, even towards our children. I sat down one day and wrote a goodbye letter, i was so low that i wanted to leave everything, even my children. I have no idea what stopped me driving my car into the sea but a small voice told me to go get help. ive had two lots of counselling and i feel as a result of the ten years of stress i now have fibromyalgia and arthritis. In a way i blame my husband. Its probably unfair of me seeing as he has ms.
With the internet getting more popular i met a lot of people in a gaming clan, yea i know im a 45 year old mother and i like gaming but i feel if it wasnt for this and the community i belonged to , i would have been gone a long time ago.
Ive no idea where this is going, all i know is that at the moment, i get up, i take a pill, i sit down and write, i cook, i stick headphones on and write some more, i know im blocking out my my husband. I had a conversation with a very good friend who said they thought my husband was codependant on me, i cut the bonds a few years back, i think im slowly losing it. There were days where i wanted him to die just so i could get on with my incredibly lonely life. I have a crowded house where i feel lonely. I sit bolt upright most nights in bed with panic and fear. I want it to end. I went to bed the other night and just quaked.
I dont get any affection, our marriage is just a piece of paper. Ive stayed faithful. I cant do that for much longer, i need someone to see me for who i am now not the person i was before everything came crashing down around me. Dont get me wrong, ive not had all bad times. Ive learned a lot of things along the way and enjoy a lot of hobbies other than reading and writing but at the moment im consumed with writing. It feels like therapy but i dont know how long it will keep me from doing something stupid.
I guess we would all at some point like to be rescued by a white knight lol. He just sits in his chair all day. I have fought hard for him for things that he needs for ms, for money for disability benefits, you name it. I have given up the fight
Im not sure what to do with my life, i feel in some ways that im in a similar place to the night when i considered driving my car into the sea. I never thought id end up here again, even with so many friends, who are all oblivious to the real me, i dont go broadcasting my real self on facebook lol.