Trapped

Im from the UK, I have children, chickens and ive been writing incessantly for the last month, I think ive been writing to avoid contact with other people, especially my husband. Ive no idea what direction my writing is going in but it has revealed a lot about myself, which is why I got in touch.

Basically, i dont know if im on the right forum, but some of the things ive read about ptsd are things i feel i suffer, before this i thought it was my husband who did. Ive never been diagnosed, ive suffered with depression a few times, i now suffer fibromyalgia and recently was diagnosed with arthritis. To put my long and tedious story in a nutshell, ive been married for 22 years, have amazing kids and up to now ive not had much time for me. Something changed that a few months ago, i had a dream. When i woke i knew i had to write, but when i tried to write what i wanted to i kept going off in another direction. Everything i write about, no matter what characters i write about, they all seem to reflect my feelings. Ive learned a lot about myself in the last month.

I have to also say my reasons for feeling the way i do. Ten years ago my husband was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Up to that point we had been incredibly close, inseparable. After the diagnosis he shut off to me and would run to his mother and i found out about his feelings and symptoms through her, i got very lonely. I found someone who listened to me, believe me up to that point in my life i would never have considered even talking to another man bar my husband but he found out i had been in communication with this person and threw out all my stuff onto the street. His brother rang me one day and told me i couldnt leave his brother because he had ms and he needed me. I was a weaker person back then and i took his threat seriously. I stayed. He began to drink and got aggressive, even towards our children. I sat down one day and wrote a goodbye letter, i was so low that i wanted to leave everything, even my children. I have no idea what stopped me driving my car into the sea but a small voice told me to go get help. ive had two lots of counselling and i feel as a result of the ten years of stress i now have fibromyalgia and arthritis. In a way i blame my husband. Its probably unfair of me seeing as he has ms.

With the internet getting more popular i met a lot of people in a gaming clan, yea i know im a 45 year old mother and i like gaming but i feel if it wasnt for this and the community i belonged to , i would have been gone a long time ago.

Ive no idea where this is going, all i know is that at the moment, i get up, i take a pill, i sit down and write, i cook, i stick headphones on and write some more, i know im blocking out my my husband. I had a conversation with a very good friend who said they thought my husband was codependant on me, i cut the bonds a few years back, i think im slowly losing it. There were days where i wanted him to die :( just so i could get on with my incredibly lonely life. I have a crowded house where i feel lonely. I sit bolt upright most nights in bed with panic and fear. I want it to end. I went to bed the other night and just quaked.

I dont get any affection, our marriage is just a piece of paper. Ive stayed faithful. I cant do that for much longer, i need someone to see me for who i am now not the person i was before everything came crashing down around me. Dont get me wrong, ive not had all bad times. Ive learned a lot of things along the way and enjoy a lot of hobbies other than reading and writing but at the moment im consumed with writing. It feels like therapy but i dont know how long it will keep me from doing something stupid.

I guess we would all at some point like to be rescued by a white knight lol. He just sits in his chair all day. I have fought hard for him for things that he needs for ms, for money for disability benefits, you name it. I have given up the fight :(

Im not sure what to do with my life, i feel in some ways that im in a similar place to the night when i considered driving my car into the sea. I never thought id end up here again, even with so many friends, who are all oblivious to the real me, i dont go broadcasting my real self on facebook lol.

please help

14 Replies

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  • ps when i dont feel like the above, im a normal, sane rational person that laughs a lot, if you dont you'll cry, although i very rarely do that. It frightens me. Thank you.

  • Glad you're here, Oonagh! Welcome! Thank you for sharing so honestly and candidly. I feel for what all you've got going on in your world. I hope if you get to the point of driving your car into the sea, you will seek help before you do that.

    Writing to get to your feelings is a powerful tool - many share on here about how much it has helped. I just listened to one of Michele's radio shows today on HealMyPTSD, and she was interviewing a woman who runs a PTSD treatment center. One of the first things they do with a new client is "have them write their story." It helps for making real all that we have been through, or are going through.

    If you're having panic attacks in the middle of the night, and shaking with fear, it would most likely have come from an event - and it may have been a traumatic event. I suspect you can get a lot of relief from this community.

    Warmly,

    Dan

  • Thank you. I have a feeling i will find help here. When i wrote that all down, i just hit send before i changed my mind. I definitely wont do the car thing. I never went through with it the first time round. I am going to see my doctor tomorrow and will bring up my feelings, what i dont want is another round of anti depressants, i promised myself that i wouldnt go down that route ever again. Ive hovered on the edge of depression for years, refusing to fall over the cliff but its getting harder lately.

  • You're very welcome! I'm glad you let it all out, and aren't in that place you were before.

    I will say this, the improvement in medications from years ago is amazing. They are much more specific in the symptoms they address, you don't feel like a zombie or catatonic, and it can smooth out the way you react to things in life.

    I check with health care professionals on things like medication and for a real diagnosis of what's going on, and work from there.

  • Onnagh. You should seek the help of a professional immediately, and get a proper diagnosis of your condition. Self-diagnosing and self-treating a serious condition like PTSD is a really bad idea, and frankly, what you are presenting here isn't typical of what I hear about with PTSD . You stated that you got lots of counseling - did you get a diagnosis? You sound very depressed to me, actually, but you should not put any stock into what strangers over the internet tell you in such a serious matter. Severe depression can cause anxiety - I know, it's happened to me. I'm actually concerned for your safety given your comment about thinking about driving your car into the sea. Suicidal ideation in and of itself a very dangerous place for a person to be, because it's a step in the escalation of suicidal impulses that one has to move through before acting. I have been in that place and the only thing to do now is to get professional help.

    This is not something to goof around with. Please, call one of those professionals you saw in the past. If you really feel like you are out of control this instant, call 9/11. They will help you, there is nothing to be ashamed of. And you can be helped if you ask for it. But certainly, if you can get through the night without harming yourself, call a mental health professional in the morning. And don't let them give you an appointment in 6 weeks, tell them you are having suicidal thoughts and they will get you help very quickly.

    Last. I know you are suffering. I can't imagine your desolation and hopelessness, but I can say that I've been desolate and hopeless and came back for it. Getting help is not a silver bullet, I know, but what I've learned to do is create guardrails for myself with my depression. If I get suicidal thoughts at all, that is an alarm bell for me to go get help. I've done meds and no meds, and in a way it doesn't matter so much. There is something about the act of getting honest with a health professional about this that was always good for me. To actually acknowledge it and recruit an ally or allies to help deal with it is very helpful in and of itself. It's not easy, I know. The haze one has to punch through when so depressed is thick and tricky. But still, taking that first step was always the start back up from the bottom for me.

    Please let us know how you are doing. I also don't care what your diagnosis is, I just want to be here to help you through this tough time. My heart goes out to you.

  • Very insightful & useful advise, hidden. I think I needed to hear your validation of admitting what's hiding underneath the symptoms of what I feel. Something more often than not overlooked, ignored, or never addressed when trying to heal from the many traumas of life, big or small, we endure. I also am diagnosed with depression w/anxiety treated with medication, but no longer on at this time. Admission & acceptance of the root cause are key to begin the process of healing I believe. What, exactly , are the differences in PTSD to other diagnosis that mimic PTSD symptoms? I understand the terminology of PTSD & it's cause is trauma induced. Depression & anxiety can also be trauma induced & are known symptoms of PTSD. Is the root cause the determining factor? Life is full of varied degrees of trauma we all experience. Some are accepted & expected traumas where other traumas are unexpected & devastating leaving us in a pyscological war within & self destructive. Is perception & processing of the trauma the determine factor of PTSD? I ask as I'm trying to reconcile mine. I'm sick of this bull & am grabbing it by the horns before it impales me. My night terrors are back, I can't breathe sometimes, I'm hermiting, hot & cold sweats that often make me feel like I may pass out, numb to compassion, crying one minute to rage the next, can't sleep, can't think......all of this has come at me full force since son died. None of the above pertained to him. I thought I was working through each symptom one at a time then, BAM! Here we go again. I'm not diagnosed nor diagnosing myself. I do recognize the shared symptoms & am seeking clarity on wth is going on with me. I am in support groups as a survivor of abuse. I have a life I need to live! I have a son to bury! I can't seem to find a way out of this cycle.........please, any light & clarity would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!

  • I've tried prozac, which made me suicidal, seroxat, which made me feel a little too invincible and amitriptyline for fibromyalgia pain but I felt like the proverbial zombie. I hate pills tbh. The only ones I take now are for fibromyalgia pain and they are tramadol. My Dr is good though, he always asks me what I want to do.

  • Sounds like you have some experience with medication. I'm sure you'll know what's right for you, and I'm glad that you're going to talk about it with your doctor.

  • Have you tried Paxil or Zoloft? Paxil helped be best with both depression & anxiety. Well, the anxiety got worse over time & Wellbutrin was added. It did the opposite making the anxiety worse & discontinued. One of the side effects of Paxil is dialated pupils & I was constantly accused of being on drugs. I'm sure that added much to my anxiety. Zoloft worked for a short period of time & was given a host of other medications only to end back up on Paxil. I was suicidal when I started the Paxil. My depression was medically induced & severe. Now, I'm not on any medication & find the depression & anxiety to be complicating factors to other issues.

  • I do incessant writing too, searching through all sorts of shattered pieces looking for Me. Creativity is one of the blessings of PTSD. It helps me so much in my recovery. Pleased you found us oonagh.

  • It's funny about the writing, I've had a nagging little voice in my head about writing for years but thought narr not me. But since I started its kind of gripped me.

  • You must do what is true. Your true. Not your parents/partner/school/friend/forum/society true, but your true. This life is short.

  • You're right. Since I wrote that we have separated. Im in a better and happier place now. I'm alone but not alone if you know what I mean. When I was with my husband I could feel so lonely.

    I still need to know there are people out there who will help me if I feel like death again though.

  • Oh my! Sweetie, you are in a very precarious position! If you leave to save yourself, you're the bad one, if you succumb to your depression, you're the selfish bad one......damned if you do, damned if you don't syndrome. Dealing with devastating news like MS is hard for all concerned not just the patient. However, it is the loved one/patient we support, ache for, cry with, etc. It sounds like you both are simply coexisting nothing more. I'd say there are more underlying issues with shutting you out & shutting down phase from him being diagnosed. His mom was his caretaker when he was sick growing up so he ran to her for comfort & understandably so. Shutting you out may be his way of protecting you from his pain, idk. How educated are you about MS & its progression & symptoms? Are you in a support group for caregivers of MS patients? How educated about his illness is he? People can & do live a life of quality with MS despite the devistating effects of it. You already know how valuable support groups are & a support group for MS is where I'd begin. You like writing so journal all of it! Your feelings, his shutdown, what you observe happening to him, etc.

    You mentioned he is drinking & has become abusive......was this happening before he found out about your confidant or did it start after? Were you happy as a couple before diagnosis? I think he believes you to have been unfaithful & if that is so, the abuse will escalate & you'll be the reason for everything he does & says.

    Marriage counseling & MS support groups is the direction I'd go. The MS groups can give you valuable & needed insight to husbands reaction to diagnosis & his actions now. Plus you'll have knowledge if the diseases effects & how to help him. He needs to connects with other patients as well for understanding of his disease & how to live a quality life with MS. This is something men need more than they know or will admit. Maybe someone from an MS support group can reach out to him to help get him in one & to open up to you.

    I'm so sorry you're suffering alone! I know how tough it is! I did it with both dying parents(mine) as ex shut me & my pain & grief out.

    Being a caregiver of an ill loved one is a lonely, thankless job. So is being a wife & mother, especially a stay at home wife/mom. Adding caregiver to that increases the loneliness factor. Find the support groups then if you can, enlist his moms help. Have her go with you! Maybe between the both of you you can get your husband back & she can have her son back, the kids have their dad back. Your symptoms should be verbalized, as well as your fears & hope in all of this to everyone concerned. We all process the ugly side of life differently but we are still responsible for our choices & actions in the end. Knowledge is the key. Gaining it & applying it is up to you. Do not put up with the abuse! As tough as it will be make him own it. Otherwise, I fear both of you will become resentful & bitter, not only to one another but towards everyone. This kind of after effect is devistateting & harmful. If you find that your efforts to be in vain or you're beyond the point of no return, remove yourself as a target for the abuse. You & the children, then get all of you in therapy & support groups. See your doctor regarding your symptoms but be completely honest with what you're going through.

    I hear meditation helps one become more centered & greatly enhances our ability to cope with the ugly side of life. Something I need to do myself. I hope this helps & you find a way to salvage all or at least yourself. Prayers & hugs!🙏🏻🛐❤️