Relationship break down. What to do? : Aquired brain... - Headway

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Relationship break down. What to do?

Charlie90 profile image
10 Replies

Aquired brain injury 2019 will be 3 years in august

I Had been with my partner for 10 years he recently called off our engagement

I am aware of how common the break down of relationships are after brain injury

But not sure where to go from here trying to focus just on myself/rehab and my new job

.struggling to see a way forward without him.

Going to have to sell my house re home dog etc.

10 Replies
spideyman profile image
spideyman

They say “As one door closes, another opens”.

Live by yourself a while and work on knowing yourself.

Why does everyone have to be with someone

Pairofboots profile image
Pairofboots

I'm really sorry to hear about this turn in affairs. Sadly it is fairly common. Small comfort I know.

I was in away worried about being alone, although I suppose I was alone from the moment I left hospital, I just didn't see it until the crunch.

I found it to be a weight of my shoulders, not have to live by someone else's rules, not having to see the hate on the face of someone I thought of as an equal. I didn't have to take the abuse any more.

When it came, the most stressful bit was the lies she tried to convince the judge of. Luckily the judge didn't buy it, and refused to place the house up for sale, saying "I'm not going to put him out on the street, when you have obviously already resolved your housing situation." That was the first shot across her bowes. For the rest of the proceedings, the judge just kept reinforcing for her to be realistic, and that I seemed to have been more than fair.

So I was legally single again. Big sigh of relief.

I have had quite a few falls, for which I now have a fall alarm, the fire alarms are meant to be linked also (although I did set the alarm off today that the fire brigade fitted, but not the one linked to the call centre).

I have problems planning meals, well I have problems planning anything, but I get by. I'd like to share my life, but I am far from hunting. What will be, will be. It would take a special someone to want to be part of my chaos.

With or without a brain injury, it's no good to remain with someone because of familiarity. The comfort that was shared soon changes to resentment. I know that you have worries, but there are ways of adapting, and we are fairly good at adapting, after a brain injury we adapt every day, sometimes several times a day, it's how we survive.

You will be ok. Believe in yourself. Life is for living. Always look forward to where you are going, remember the happy times, forget the bad (we are good at that too, forgetting), turn a new page, and write the story of the rest of your life.

There is a whole community in your corner, never feel alone.

🍀

bonfire profile image
bonfire in reply to Pairofboots

Sorry to hear this. I’m with P of B above on this one. Marriage is a social construct which I am not built for.

I don’t know if any of us here are.

People are very complex.

I never married and never will. I had my tbi in my teens and am now in the latter half of my life.

My only occasional regret is that I have to put the bins out and get them back in.

Sorry to hear about the dog, can you get a cat?

moo196 profile image
moo196

Relationship breakdown happens a lot - with or without BI.Now is the time to definitely concentrate on yourself and healing. 🙏

I got divorced mid 30s and love being single - doing so much more than I would have done if still married.

The trick is to get through the break up period with as little fuss and disrespect as possible.

Have you taken legal advice? Who says you have to sell your house? or get rid of the dog? there may be a myriad of options.

I agree that marriage is just a social construct and at least 50% of couples are not happier.

Single women live longer.

A year from now you may surprise yourself with how much you can enjoy your freedom 🙏

bonfire profile image
bonfire in reply to moo196

Hi Moo,Thanks for your comment.

I was worried I may have offended pple with my bold statement ( that marriage doesn’t suit people with tbis)

P of B mentions the chaos of his life, our well honed adapting skills and this is very relatable to.

Dare I say that not getting married is another adaptation of having a tbi?

Btw I haven’t yet got the bins in!

moo196 profile image
moo196 in reply to bonfire

it might be.... but my decision was made well before TBI.

Lulu_Lollipop profile image
Lulu_Lollipop

I am so sorry. Really, I am. I have experienced similar although he was my husband of 30 years when he left the week my large brain aneurysm was discovered. I know the heart break, the hurt, the way it wrecks our mind, our soul... The having to deal with the uncertainty of the future. The home, the family, the pets... I wish you all the very best. I had 3 or 4 awful years, but I can assure you that you will have a new life and I hope you have good people around you to support you xx

Painting-girl profile image
Painting-girl

So very sorry to hear this Charlie, relationship breakdowns are horrible to deal with at the best of times. (Nowadays I find anything that makes a break from routine quite hard to handle too, I think it's something to do with planning and decision making). Have you got close friends or family that can help you through this?

Apart from the emotional upheaval, what practical difficulties are you going to face living on your own?

Definitely talk to a solicitor briefly - was your house/ mortgage in joint names?

Seven years after my divorce, I got into an unfortunate (and relatively short) live-in relationship, and my solicitor helped me to resolve the finances in my favour when I needed to end it, without going to court, but I did have a document - not a full cohabitation agreement - that showed that the equity in the house was mine. I did have to sell the house in the end because the mortgage was more than I could truly handle on my own, but at least I got to do ît in my own time and hung onto the equity. It was a tough time, as was my divorce.

I do think I'm happier now though - and nowadays I don't have to explain why I need to rest or have dim light, or can't watch adverts - but I know from your previous posts that you are handling a lot physically.

Really feel for you - hang on in there x

Charlie90 profile image
Charlie90 in reply to Painting-girl

Thank you for your lovely message.

Yes I find changes to routine anything that affects me emotionally very difficult to cope with.

I have very close family friends who can support!

However that being said they have the potential to make the situation much more stressful!

House in both names

Would try to avoid going down the legal route

Try to keep it as amicable as possible

I know he absolutely would not see me out on the street.

I could stay with my mum short term.

Then potentially have the opportunity to buy a family members house.

As ideally I would like to own my own home in an ideal world.

I don’t think I would ever co habit again if I could cope on my own

Which I am under no illusion will be very difficult for various reasons.

I am coping very well I feel physically, considering

Main issue at the moment is seizures

Thank you again x

moo196 profile image
moo196 in reply to Charlie90

All solicitors would say do not move out. Please take advice first 🙏

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