Yesterday I had a 4-phase plan to commit suicide. Got to phase 1 and considered it to be absurd to go to phase 2, so gave up on the attempt. Went home to face the music. It was an awful day, but ended up better because I chose wisely in the end.
My wife is along for the bumpy ride. We are sticking together for the time being, but I'm concerned about what comes in the future. My behaviour is erratic to say the least.
It'll be interesting to discover what others on HU think of this kind of situation. Not sure what to expect once this post is 'out there'.
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HalfDome19
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I suffered a brain injury five years ago. Three and a half years ago I was suicidal. I hadn't been able to get any help, despite having told my GP and despite having been under the care of the local mental health services. I finally found an organisation called Maytree. They entirely changed my life. They are in London but can help you wherever you live and you can refer yourself. All the help is free. Their website is maytree.org.uk/
Their number is 0207 263 7070.
They are incredibly caring and supportive. Not a day goes by where I don't think of these wonderful people and how fortunate I was to get their help.
A lot of the people who work there are trained volunteers and quite a few are people who were previously helped by Maytree.
I would also suggest that you call the Headway helpline on 0808 800 2244. They are really wonderful and can offer great support and advice.
The final thing I want to mention is that I was having a lot of weird problems that I later found out to be symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from what happened with my brain injury. This might be something to consider and it's not always picked up by doctors. I only got diagnosed after pushing to see a neuropsychologist.
Sorry to have gone on so much.
I wish you all the best. Please contact me if I can help with anything.
I really never saw a way ahead when I was at my lowest. Things can change, I am living proof of that.
I wasn't sure what to expect in reply to that post earlier, so I must first of all thank you for your understanding and kind words.
The Maytree suggestion is something that I've had a look at. They are a unique organisation, doing good no doubt. If the suicidal thoughts come back, then I can hopefully think about The Maytree and the offer of support from them as a tool to push through those kinds of thoughts and feelings, and maybe call or email them.
Depression is something which I've experienced for a long time, and with that has come countless ideas about committing suicide. It's amazing how the human spirit of carrying on in the face of such drastic mental activity can prevail.
We all deserve to find out what else life has to offer. Best wishes for the present and the future.
Thank you for replying. I will add just one thing: finding out what is at the root of depression is an incredible way to heal. Depression is closely linked to the repression of feelings.
I spoke to Maytree for the first time in September last year and yes, they are an entirely unique organisation, I ended up getting befriender calls over the following weeks. I've had suicidal ideation regularly in the decades since my TBI. Over the years, on a 1 to 10 scale it never really goes below a 6 on a daily basis, it sits around a 7 most days. When triggered my emotional lability and dysregulation will send it higher; there have been a few interventions in recent times.
Where I found Maytree most helpful was on my '6' days, the times where I could talk about these feelings I have instead of 'Firefighting' when they get out of hand. I don't think these feelings I have will ever drop to zero and I'm all right with that, if can get it down to a 2 or 3 on a regular basis, it will be an achievement up there alongside my most fanciful ambitions. I know overwhelm will always show up at some point on any given day.
Sometimes, for me, it's a case of getting through the next hour; playing some visceral punk music from my disaffected youth ironically seems to soothe me, maybe it's the feelings of defiance that this music gives me when the fight starts between the part of me that wants to live and the part that doesn't.
I'm having much more '6' days recently, even the odd '5'. I'm even playing those snarly records on my better days. I'm looking at it as giving my defiance muscle a bit of a workout for the next time the 'enemy within' shows his face.
I don't think I would have found these coping strategies or had as many '6' days had I turned down Maytree's offer of those calls. Recently I've had time when I've even been able to sit with my worst feelings, and just let them be. That's new and previously unthinkable.
I wish you all the greatest of victories in the fight with your most formidable of opponents.
There are no plans love.its a mad owld life ain't it?don't know where you are what happened etc.I know you came to right place now though.do me a favour kiss your lovely wife
Really sorry to read your story HD, you have a lot to cope with, but welcome to the forum - there's a lot of support here for you - yell anytime, someone here will be there for you.
I too became suicidal after just a mild TBI. I'm ok now. I had a neurologist referral to a neuropsychiatrist and a neuropsychologist - drugs and talking worked for me. Depression can recurr after a TBI, but at least I have a lot more ways of dealing with it now.
Can you contact your neuro rehab team and your GP and explain you badly need help now? And as Marnie says, Headway can help with both a listening ear, practical support, and advice on who you need to get in front of, for ongoing rehab with your brain injury.
Meanwhile, always remember that you can ring the Samaritans free 24/7 for anything, not just suicidal thoughts, on 116 123.
You're never far from anyone on this forum either - quite a lot of insomnia goes on, but it definitely has the upside when you need to yell for support in the small hours of the night.
Take care, and please let us know how you get on, with getting some help and support. This was a good start to post on here 😊👍
Hello and welcome HalfDome. Can you tell us whether you've tried the medication option for your mental health issues ? I know some folk are averse to using antidepressants to stave off dark thoughts & feelings of despair, but the right one can correct imbalances in the brain and allow you to live your life without the ever-present dark cloud hanging over.
I had clinical depression since adolescence and tried different meds for many years 'til I stumbled on a particular SSRi. That was roughly 30 years ago and I haven't had depression, despair or panic attacks from that day. It literally gave me back the positivity and quality of life I'd craved for most of my life, and I only take the lowest dose.
It's not a 'one size fits all' so can take a while finding the one most compatible for your particular brain chemistry (took me months of trial & error) but once you find the right one ......it just fits. It was lifechanging for me and I've never looked back. Even through breast cancer, divorce, money struggles, brain haemorrhage and heart issues .....and now the pandemic, I've kept positive and strong... (still amazes me thinking back).
Just something else to consider along with all the good advice from others here. Hope you're not offended by this train of thought m'love. 🤔 All best wishes, Cat x
Hi, welcome to the community, and I'm glad you are able to post your thoughts.
Brain injury is something that no one, unless they have experienced it really know how hard and stressful it is.
Reading through the replies, you are far from alone in contemplating suicide, including me. That is not the bit that stands out, it is the fact that we are all here to comment. For whatever reason we all reached out for help.
This is a safe place to talk about difficult thoughts, and get support.
I think that a number of people have given information of services you can contact. We are a community, members of an exclusive club none of us chose to join. Never feel you are alone, just shout, yell, scream, and the community will be here to help.
Hi and welcome. Have you been to an endocrinologist? A lovely lady on here has been a big help to me, check out the christopher lane trust. Joanna lost her son as they did not diagnose a hormone imbalance. I'm currently looking into it for my husband. I wish you well. X
Hi HalfDome, suicide is never the good option. All it does is leave a trail of grief and guilt with those that you wouldn't want to hurt.
Please contact your GP, and discuss your feelings, also request an urgent referral to neuro-psychiatrist and neuro-psychologist. Don't worry about the big titles, you are not mad, but you don't need help to cope. These can, and do help. Also if you still have contact with the hospital, they can make the referral.
I have been exactly where you have been, and understand how feelings like this can creep up. Share how difficult you are finding it to cope with those that are near to you.
Suicide is often an impulsive act, but as you said you had a plan, safety planning is a good tool to help interupt the urge, thinking of what you can do to delay the impulse. You said that you got to stage one, and then stage two didn't seem such a good idea, that is your starting point for safety planning.
Also contact Headway for support, their contact details are somewhere on this page. And never forget the Samaritans can be part of how you move beyond the impulse.
Please keep in touch, there are many people in this forum that have been through what you are experiencing.
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