Husband sustained TBI March 2020. Can anyone give advice on coping strategies with confrontational. I stay positive, but if hes fatigue , no matter what I say, look, feel, facial expression, tone of voice can cause trigger for confrontation. I brought my husband home 6wks ago purely as my heart says recovery best at home especially with lockdown. I dont regret, but the mood swings really upset me. I cant cry Infront of him, i walk it off in garden and have a cigarette or 2 to calm myself from my emotions exploding.
The confrontation, i walk away but the regular outburst is heartbreaking i have bit back twice only and felt awful. But today has been rough 10hrs straight, the look he gives just heartbreaking with vicious tone, he has no compassion or empathy. He does demonstrate some autistic traits l since incident
Any coping strategies with the aftermath or what i can do, the only response i get from hospital is residential placement, which is not fair hes not received any visits for his Rehabilitation. The suggestion is way to premature.
His family send messages to him which he responds hes fine, yet during that point im convincing him to rest/sleep to prevent escalation, have shower (day 4 now). No one has visited due to lockdown, so my husband's messages to family dont give the 24/7 bigger picture and care i deal with. Please note his family live with in 1-3mile radius. There are also avoiding how our life has been turned upside down. Its upsets them
I feel on edge, ive yet to have a good 24hrs of consistency with behaviour or solid sleep since this. Just feeling flat today, he takes no accountability for his words/actions leverything my fault no matter what his issues on.
On the flip side on our only 4 good days since home he has insight, after that then impacts on fatigue.
Feel useless, but despite good, bad and the ugly he is progressing in my eyes..
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This must be so hard to deal wiyh at any tine but especially with the lockdoen meaninh you and your husband get no visits from family or support from the medical profession, leaving you to cope with everything yourself. Can no professional person give you asvuce over the phone how to handle your husband and help him, and how to make life manageable for you. It just seems like too many people are being left to fend for themselves in the coronavirus crisis
It'll be hard for him during this initial period of recuperation whilst he struggles with unfamiliar issues and limitations. But that doesn't entitle him to treat you unkindly and, though it'll be tough, you need to firmly and calmly stand up to him.
It might feel cruel issuing an ultimatum to someone you love and want to protect, but aggression and selfishness need to be addressed head-on before they become the new normal. He may be feeling confused and angry, mainly with himself, and you're a convenient target for his frustrations simply by being there.
Abusiveness toward partners is common after brain injury ; possibly a warped cry for help. But silently tolerating it can be damaging to both of you and to your relationship if not dealt with promptly. He needs to grasp how much more pleasant life can be if he's prepared to compromise.
Is this behaviour totally out of character for your husband ? And as things stand right now, do you think he would admit there's a problem and listen to how seriously it's impacting on you ?
I'm so sorry you've been left alone with this struggle m'dear….
Hes always treated me like a queen. But September 2019 he changed, depression. Cousin committed suicide, followed by his grandfather passing. He would say unkind comments towards me. But this behaviour is unpredictable and the constant emotional cushion is purely directed at me, no one else. He thrives off attention, so anyone texting him how he is, he craves, this is new behaviour. He has insight after, possibly before as twice he has taken himself away, when real questions about situation occurs but during confrontation is like hate.
So this is more than brain injury after-effects ; much more complicated.
To get effective treatment your man needs specialist testing to seek out the brain injury from the depression, but of course the lockdown is causing massive difficulty in accessing such help.
Have you spoken to Headway, via the helpline ? They might be able to link you up with online mental health services, if only to tide you over with support and ideas until the NHS is freed up again.
It's a frightening time for so many people with untreated chronic illnesses and the backlog will be the next crisis, so maybe start sooner rather then later in registering your husband's need for actual hands-on treatment.
Talk to your GP too, and maybe MIND (they can be accessed online). I'm afraid we're in a prolonged 'Sticking plaster' phase with all branches of treatment right now.
Keep walking away when there's conflict. Don't stress yourself more by reasoning if it's so futile. Take yourself off for short periods (if only for a bath or a walk round the block) to lick your wounds ; you need to nurse yourself with some kindness.
I'm so sorry for your troubles m'love. We're always here to talk... x
I don't know what your situation is with neighbours, but my next door neighbour who's in lockdown alone with her agitated and aggressive husband (big fellow ; previously loving, gentle guy) often says how our talks over the hedge are keeping her sane.
I do understand how vocal communication can be extra cathartic and her words were "I know it's a cliché but it really helps getting it off my chest".
…...so if there's anyone you can trust to have a face to face talk with now & again ….? x
It is really emotional and I would suggest watching it alone first. Then if you think it would help, sit down with your husband and watch it together.
When you get a head injury all the hormones and emotions fluctuate so much and so widely, from being talkative to silent, to angry to crying. It really is a rollercoaster with no filter and no control mechanism. Quite often the partner becomes the emotional punch bag having to absorb everything thrown at them. Sometimes it is the partner that vents frustration because they don't understand what is wrong with the other partner.
As Cat has mentioned give the Headway helpline a call. They are there as much for the carers as much as the injured.
What seems to triggers"flare ups" is stress. Stress can be caused by the simplest things - not being able to find something because it isn't in the same place, forgotten something even saying slightly the wrong thing. What does seem to help is to become very neat, organised and have a set routine.
What the specialists recommend is to get up a set time, breakfast same time, then do some pottering around, rest, a drink, doing something, eat rest ,.... etc through out the day until going to sleep at the same time.
The other thing is to subtly start changing is diet, this will have two benefits. It will promote the plasticity in his system to reduce the symptoms. Secondly reducing a lot of the "bad things" will help maintain an even mood. The advice is to eat like a grandmother - no alcohol, reduce screen time, no fatty or ready meals, no coffee etc. Instead have plenty of fish, good meat, beans, leafy greens, nuts etc.
The other thing is that he may benefit from a course of mild anti depressants. However, they aren't for depression, what the medication does is to slow down brain activity reducing the load and stress on the brain. This allows the brain to spend more time "rerouting" the pathways around the damage. If they are "sold" to your husband as a repair aid instead of anti depressant he may be more likely to accept taking them.
If you need more help or need to vent we are here. Most of us have either gone through the injury and come out of the other side, some of us are carers whom have walked similar paths.
Sorry for late response. Thank you. Yes he'd been home 8wks Tues ive been cooking home made food every day minus 4 frozen meals as forgot to defrost meat or didn't have full ingredients and hes put on over a stone. Ive been making sweets like flapjacks as they love, homemade raspberry frozen yoghurts and pumping lots of green. His taste buds have changed for the better with fruit and veg. Managing fatigue still not balanced , but improvement managing fatigue like mood swings these past 3 days. Thank you for your time replying and link. I really do appreciate it.
One of the things that used to freak my wife out was my change in personality. As she said it was like having a stranger in the house but with my body.
Eventually, the original personality comes through and a new "normality" becomes routine.
The hospital never, ever prepares the partners / wives / family of the survivor to what to expect over the following weeks, months, years or even set some expectations on behaviour. mood, changes to personality or even simple activities to pass the time
First, I am so sorry you're having to go through this. None of this is your fault. Even when he blames you or says it is. He is really angry that he's lost abilities to live his life like he used to and takes it out on you, as he doesn't know what else to do. It doesn't make it right. Easier said than done - don't take the things he's saying personally. Know you are doing the very best you're able given the circumstances you're dealing with. When you sense things escalating, that is a time to take a break and get away like you described you do. You may want to setup an agreement in a calmer time that when things get heated that you guys agree to stop and take a break. And then do it. I find for me when I take a break it helps stop me from escalating and then things can calm down. Wishing you both more successes going forward.
Aww so sorry you are going through thos, however can relate 100% where was his injuty ? I would say this may improve but in my experience never goes away. Routine, reducing fatigue can help x
Right Temporal Contusion, SAH, subdural hematoma, right sided transverse venus sinus thrombosis and left petrous temporal fracture. Sorry for late response.
It is very hard any time but especially difficult at the minute. Speaking as the person with the tbi, I think distraction and redirection when the conversation is going the wrong way is probably best for now. I found Mindfulness really helped me-learning how to not worry about the future or dwell on the past all the time is a relief. We all need a break.
People being too positive when you have been through a tbi can be annoying too. There are so many stages. Shock, refusing to believe this is it, anger at why, anger at those trying to help. Eventually grief for the things you have list and then the hardest bit, acceptance.
It will take time and patience but you will both get there.
Thank you. I know it will take many years adjusting, adapting, accepting our new life. I have books on mindfulness so will find time and dig out. But im sure theres apps now, so will search which one be good for him and me to cope. Thank you again.
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