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3 Year Anniversary, Having Trouble

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful I can write this. I'm grateful that I'm writing this on a lunch break at work. I'm grateful it wasn't worse. Does that mean I can't be angry? Does that mean I need to treat every anniversary like a celebration of my life? What if that's not how I'm feeling or how I felt last year? What if I'm angry and temperamental, tired, chaotic, incessant, or plain selfish? I wish I wasn't. That I wasn't finding any small irritation as cause for a headache. Like I can't control my emotions and work myself into anxious fits. I don't recognize it or this fervored trance, racing on the heels of its eternal fog. And I'm lucky. There was no surgery or coma or extended hospital stay. No major memory loss or recognizable cognitive impairments. The bleeding stopped on it's own. I was in my own bed the next day. Yet here I am. Writing to a group I've never posted in. Whining to a group I've never posted in. I should be more grateful. I'm sorry I'm not.

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I think you've spoken for just about everyone here Molly. Yes, we're grateful to be alive for our own sakes and for our loved ones, but it's absolutely fine to admit that the downsides, the countless issues, are still an everyday challenge and sometimes a complete pain.

But I feel I've no choice but to keep on keeping on in whatever way I can manage. I feel I owe it to myself to make the best of life, and in appreciation of the brilliant doctors, surgeons, nurses, therapists etc who played their part in pulling me back from the brink.

No need to say 'Sorry' m'dear ; you're among like-minded folk. 😏 Best wishes, Cat x

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Hi Molly, Cat beat me to it again.

I recognise that anger and selfishness, its mine too.

No matter how often I say how lucky I am it never feels like I am.

Although ive come to live with this new me I’d still rather be the old one.

I flop into bed each night thinking, thank goodness thats the end of another day.

Maybe it will change, I wish it would hurry up if it was going to.

So, no need to apologise, thats why we are here.

Take care

Janet x

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It's perfectly OK to feel annoyance about any aspect of brain injury, or for that matter, any illness at all. People around you continue on their merry way while you are going through your own particular turmoil. It doesn't feel right and anger is a natural response to that. Don't beat yourself up, it's totally normal.

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Hello Molly I so sympathise with you. I was and still am in a similar position as yourself. Please please remember throughout your journey that your feelings are valid. Those that have responded to you are mostly the same as responded to me and are very understanding and supportive. And the bottom line is that there is so much truth in what they say. I still fight against acceptance of my condition but occasionally drop into this site for some very well appreciated support. I really do not know what we all expect of ourselves and as people who have gone through our lives totally in control and interacting on every level to a type of "adjustment" to the norm (even in a little way) that action can be difficult. I do not know if you have to make any changes in your life but if you do try to accept them and work with them. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours and perhaps do what I occasionally do - go out somewhere peaceful and quiet and scream at the top of your voice. I do and it helps! Please take care Clare x

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I agree with every body who has commented . “ you are looking great “ gets me every time. Grrrrr. Scream all you want . I’m not even a year past but I want the old Shona back . Don’t like this one very much .

Take care and just close and lock the doors and howl if you need to . 🤗🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿Shona

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ive come to terms with my bi and im no longer the person i was. im on a new journey, something new and exciting.

i dont think youve come to terms with the fact that you are a different person, as soon as you do all that anger and resentment will disappear.

steve x

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I cant remember the person I was 18 years ago next week so I have no terms of reference but that doesn't mean to say I havent struggle to get where I am both with my bi, puberty (which is still hard for to accept as I feel that what caused my bi) being a child of alcoholism ect ect ect I still get depressed on my anniversary and how everyone thinks I'm a strong independent women but people don't see or want to know the amout of times I've cried or screamed or failed they just see a women to gets back up everytime she fails, dusts her self up and tries a different route I wish getting help ect but I'm not the amount of anger I feel when I here people go oh woe is my my benefits are being reduced how ever will I cope (I don't say this to cause offence to anyone) how i wish i could not work full time and not feel guilty the amount of times people have said your sooo lucky that can hold a full time job because its hard work but they don't see that side ect ect I wish I could be unemployed it's a massive pet peeve of mine but as the saying goes the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence

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Hi Molly, What do I know.... nothing but....

You say - " I should be more grateful. I'm sorry I'm not ". Wrong headed.

I can't even remember the date of my TBI, because it is of no value to me now, it is of no benefit, that was then, now is now, what's the point of dwelling on the past, what was, It serves no purpose, forget the anniverseries. Tomorrow starts today.

A trick is to live out of your imagination, what can be, hold that picture. When as a RFC rugby coach for kids, I used to sit them down and ask them to imagine certain scenarios, what iff's. And then again, The idea was to give them options to enable them to make the correct decision when confronted with that situation in real life.

Argue for your weakness and rest assured it is yours, the mind is like that, ever won a race you told yourself you can't win. Argue for your strengths, what can be....

Don't beat yourself up, yesterdays gone, close the door, tomorrow starts today.

Stay strong

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