Never enough

Does anyone else's partner constantly criticise them?for like everything?my partner is the one who has a TBI and never seems happy with me!anything I say or do is wrong!for example if I pronounce a word wrong when talking or spell something wrong when texting he has to point it out straight away and won't let it go!i have a habit of say "f" instead of "th" sometimes and he will cut me off mid story just to correct me,so much so I will forget wot I'm talking about!anything to do with looks he will gladly point out too but only in a negative way,never to compliment me!he will tell me my hairs far nicer a diff way than the way I've got it that day or tell me I'm much more attractive if I keep my glasses on(they are only for reading but have wore them constantly just to please him resulting in a headache I can't shift)

I make such an effort for date nite but he will only comment to ask why I'm wearing those shoes with that top etc!i recently got a letter to tell me my job will b gone as of the 28th June and I was devastated but he told me just to get a new one!i just feel like anything about me is so unimportant but anything to do with him has to b a huge thing with constant support,sympathy or praise but where's mines??i give give give but never receive :( I've learnt to live with no compliments and just find the confidence within myself to know I am being the best version of me I can b but it's becoming harder all the time when I'm always at the bottom of the pile ,constantly criticised and never thanked or appreciated

Is this another trait of someone with a TBI?or does my partner just not care?? Xxx

22 Replies

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  • we are all very self absorbed, you just need to be patient with him, Im sure he does care he will just have a different way of showing it

  • Thank u,it's just hard finding a way to function happily xxx

  • are you able to get alone time say once a week?

    I had that with my ex who isn't BI but I am and I screamed at him that something was wrong with our relationship and he said no its not everything is find so I had to make the hard decision to walk away as he refused to listen I used this as a last restore btw everythinks I took the easy way but I was screaming him for 2 years, and now Im on my own, ive manged to move out and I can now know what relaxing feels like, ive done things at my own pace, I can tidy up when I want, I can go where I want, Im going to Belfast next week (for the second time) ive been to Swansea and Cardiff, Glastonbur, Bath, Dawlish, Ive been going for walk ect it has really helped me and he still messages me say do you an drink and I have the power and confidence to say no thank and not feel guilty and he has looked back and realised what a state he was in and how he was treating me.

    Im not saying you should do this because your situation is different but I am saying maybe you need some rest from him and time to your self where your not worried and treating yourself because you do deserve it everyone deserves some TLC

  • I have asked him yesterday for a few days apart because I just need space just to b me again and just to relax and not worry that wot I say and do is going to annoy him!maybe he will use that time to realise the things I have said to him,maybe he will go out and enjoy time with friends and not give it a second thought but wotever he does is up to him!im going to enjoy some pampering,paint my nails,have a face mask and do something with my hair and just feel good again,without worrying that I'm not good enough :) Friday night is date nite usually but I need this space just now!we go away for 12 days on the 30th so things need fixed now or it's going to b a very unhappy holiday :( xxx

  • What I had to do was tell myself its out of my control when people don't listen to my advice but ask me for it, I also mediate and when I mediate I imaging Im floating on boat and everything that is annoying me is on a wall on shore that I cant reach to show me work ect is all out of my control and it really help clear my head so don't take what he says personally just say this your injury talking but good for you to pamper yourself also remind you and him that you ARENT alone in this I wish I had know about headway when I was 13 because I thought I was the only one in the world with a head injury and all in intails and dealing with a mum with mental health issues

    and I started seeing someone who has a BI and have realised that we don't click but he wont take no for an answer which is stressing me out so I have had to uninstall whatsapp to stop him messaging me constantly as I don't have the energy after work and I am really enjoying have the freedom of being single but every now and then do miss male attention ;-)

  • I was also thinking if you get into a routine say you always have Tuesday as a you day he will get use to not having you around on Tuesday and can you not go to hr about your job or citizens advice for unspoken about sacking did they tell you why they were sacking you you should by law get given a months notice

    have you looked at the topics on the right hand panel to see if you can find any help and advice?

  • Our council are cutting 198 classroom assistant jobs to save money and mines was one of them,and as I'm u set 2 years service I don't get allocated into a new position so as if 28th my contract is terminated

    Job centre can only help once my employment actually ends so have to wait until 29th then give them a call

    I have two kids and the only nights they don't have a club on us Monday and Friday!friday they sleep over with my mum and that's "date nite" so the only day I could have a "me" day would be a Monday but I think that's something I will set in stone with my partner and the kids,Monday is Mummys day xxx

  • No, it's a brain injury thing I am afraid. Many of us have these problems. My husband's favourite if I every say anything he doesn't like is 'you're moaning again'. Any comment to him is apparently me moaning. Nothing is ever wrong with him. The best thing is to walk away. So sorry about your job. Will you be able to get another - what is the job situation where you live?

    Have you had counselling? It doesn't improve anything really but it is great to be able to rant to someone who is not involved and does help to get your mind straight on the best ways to deal with things. I have been having it (free) through Care for the Carers. Give them a ring and see what they can offer. Can you get away for a while to give you a break? Whatever happens, look after yourself. You cannot spend your life pandering to him. If you want to take off your glasses, then do so. If you want to wear your hair in a certain way, you do what you want. You cannot always be trying to keep him happy, because whatever you do he will find something else. Maybe if you stop this, he might possibly realise.

    He needs to re-learn some emotions. Speak to Headway and see if they have any suggestions for helping him to cope with his constant criticism. If you don't sort this out, your relationship will fail.

    Jan

  • I feel

    Like it's failing already and nothing I do can fix it,but I guess it takes the effort of two :( he tells me to tell

    Him if he's doing it but when I do he says I'm moaning or never happy it can't take a joke but it's not really funny when ur comments have someone in tears is it :(

    I will defo look into care for caters as this sounds great!thanks for ur comment and support xxx

  • Hi Gemma,

    Talking from the other side ( bi), it can be born out of frustration as well as mixed up emotions. At times observarious can come across as criticism. This is no excuse but a possible explication.

    On the good side it can improve. Learning to recognise wrong emotions can help, it can leave your partner to seem less emotional ( whilst checking their emotions).

    Another reason is using wrong words, ie. What word he is saying is not the one he meant to use. This can be hurtful at time funny at others.

    As well as these reasons it could also be just learned responses. Things he's become used to saying. A basic habit response .

    I would like to say in time all will be back to how it was pre bi. We all kmow it won't. However it can improve with help. Contacting Headway has already been mentioned and is a great starting point.

    Things may not improve..But it doesn't mean we can't try.

    Pax x

  • Thanks Hun I appreciate ur response,it's always helpful getting both sides!i do try to make allowances but by doing so I don't think I'm doing any of us any favours as I'm basically allowing him to upset me,intentionally or not!i do believe he loves me I do u understand that emotion is one of the things mainly affected for him so I can learn to live with the lack of love but I'm struggling so hard at always being put down!im glad I have this place and u guys because u are able to put forward things on his part that he seems unable to communicate xxx

  • Like I have said they may be reasons for behaviour but they are not excuses.

    Putting up and making to many allowances is not always the best...For both of you.

    Try and get help. We were in the same position and even tried relate..That was a shock for them don't think they were ready for dealing with the effects of bi on a couple.

    It even led to us separating for a while. But with proper help ( relate forwarded onto counselling that could help us) we have now made a future together.

    Ok it ain't perfect but thankfully my wife now will not allow me to take the easy option of allowing bi to take over.

    Keep in there but GET HELP.

    x

  • Thanks Hun,I defo will!my partner read all the comments and didn't agree with any of them to the point where he even suggested that I see the doctor about always being unhappy!he doesn't seem to realise that I'm unhappy because of the things he does and the things he says,I think he thinks I'm depressed :( I'm defo not,every other part of my life is great

    When he's ready to except that this is a two man job then maybe then we can seek some help xxx

  • This sounds so familiar. I couldn't see the problem in fact there wasn't one.

    It took the separation fr me to take a good look at what was happening.

    I know now I had said some awful things to my partner. If I am honest I am not great to her now. The difference now is I realise....If only afterwards and can try and apologise.

    Like I said our life ain't perect but it is 100% better.

    He will realise that things are worth fighting for...It may take time but keep going.

    X

  • Thank u ❤️ love to u and urs,it's not easy but I love ur honesty xxx

  • That's another thing I have learned is to be honest. It may hurt at times but if you say it honestly without any other hidden agenda then you know it is said with care.

    Once again hope you get resolved.

    One thing we did is wrote how we felt and how things appeared to you. Then swapped letters and read them on our own so as not to react without reading the full letter.

    If you ever try this remember be honest and factual.

    X

  • We tried it with letters and also letting him read everything on here and everyone's advice.....it worked the first few times but the majority agreed with me and he felt picked on and moaned at!a few days space and hopefully we can try again xxx

  • Okay I didn't realise you had kids

  • gemmab84 love you are in a position .a difficult one . my advice I would talk to Victoria or pippa or Julia phone the helpline .08088002244 I forget the other angels you can talk to on helpline .

    firstly I no how you feel . now when you speak to the angels on that number tell them .

    the things you havnt said on your post love .you can tell them everything .and take there advice .

    on what your you need to talk to them about . jemma thers more you can trust them you seem an angel yourself for what you do and remarks you take .but I feel there's more talk to them .

    and uve got everyone here who are hear for you .x but the ladies no all the right and the truth they will help you .I cant say to much .about my bi but I have no friends no family kids yes 2 in their

    20 s my ex partner had affair and left us and now she wants back in house and kids want her,

    ive had said to me weirdo sczso boreing I just walk away . hers ultimate comment ,

    of ex partner you have no family well my mum and dad died horrifically when she said that they were dead . so no family no friends no brother or sister your kids hate you why don't you go in shed h g yourself . your going to end up in a little room all by yourself. yes I no .its sick .

    but you no I do have friends on site and ladies helpline .you no jemma when I talk to the ladies,

    on helpline its like talking to my angel mum . the answer is there when you speak to them on Monday tell them everything everything things that you arnt saying in post love .

    here's a hug you'll be ok xx eddieeb

  • Thank u Hun,and I'm so sorry for the things u have been through!no one ever deserves to b treated like that or spoken to in such a way!u have my full respect and admiration for continuing to fight and remain so helpful and positive!my problem is tiny when compared to urs but none the less we do need help as I'm only 32 with two kids and I need to feel happy xxx

  • As a TBI, I was initially a handful. After 2 to 3 years though you get back to the guy you're likely ever to be. Some sense to why there is a very high % of splits after BI'. Ultimately,my marriage is my responsibility. I love my wife & daughters, as such I want THEM to be happy (Buddhist view). Good luck with it xx

  • It depends on how your partner got his head injury. I think I read on your page he was hit by a car? That happened to me 20 years ago and I was in a very dark place mentally and all of my relationships broke down. I remember feeling like I was not in control of my life and completely messed everything up around me. It's a very dark and unhappy place to be. I mostly okay but the emotional scars are still there and always will be. All the best :)

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