Hey even though I know as usual you won't bother to reply like all the other self centred people I know....
Why hey, why do I have to be expected to deal with all the knock backs that life seems to think I deserve...
Every single pathetic waste of space has jumped at the site of me looking so bright, but the minute they know I'm not perfect & hear that I'm damaged & broke their off out of site with a crappy excuse about why we can't meet...
I may have some parts of my head broke, but my heart still works perfectly but it's starting to break knowing there is no one for me....
Even you the one I loved the most left with your bag full of excuses and left me all broke...
All I want is the right to be loved, but that's not allowed...
I'm not running before I can walk, I assure you I'm not...
After hearing over & over its obvious to me that dameged goods no one wants...
So do what you do instead of calling like a friend would do, ignore me hoping I'll go away soon...
Maybe one day I'll be gone forever, where the dameged go...
None of this was ever my fault, but it's me left with the heartbreak of trying to live in a life surrounded with hate, lies & full of falseness...
Thank you world for breaking my life & even my soul...
I'll go now somewhere I can be free, free of the liars and free of the cheats, free of all, that think I'm a freak...
My only mistake in life was to fight for my life that day on the road...
I should of given up then, like I'm giving up now. I'm sick of the fight, I fight alone...
No one really cares, for that they have proved...
To wrapped up in their in own stupid lives, they haven't a clue what a fight life is, but still the moan nevertheless...
I'm sick of the fight sick of the mess, sick of it all doom & gloom. Not a day passes that I have the light switched on. Maybe that's why now at night I sleep with the light on to afraid of the dark...
The dark full of emptiness & full of the fear, the fear that I'll always be stuck right here...
Where did all my supposed family & friends go? Oh yes that's right I forgot, because I look fine, I must be just that!
I'm not making this all up to get all the sympatyphy that I never get. I'm sick, sick of it all...
If everyone could see all my damage & all my pain I'd have care & I'd have friends, because then you would see I'm not fooling around for your love or your care...
I'm broken & in pain like I said from the start the start of it all...
But as you have all proved no one cares not one of you dares because your far to busy living your life to see, I'm broken inside and that's just how it all is...
The End...
I'm having a really rough time right now and this is exactly how I feel and I know you guys on her will understand unlike the rest of the world
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dora21
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Bless you thank you for your reply. Yes I am on anti-depressants and the docs are fully aware of my predicament. Not only did I sustain a major head injury but I also suffered a lesion somewhere up there and I now have complete left sided neuropathic pain which I mostly suffer pain in my left leg, so I can walk hardly at all. I live in the middle of nowhere, no one bothers to visit me if I didn't have carers that came in once a day to help cook me a meal at tea time I wouldn't see anyone except my poor 14 year old son that I hate having to need so much help from....
My ex partner left, I have tried to commit suicide twice now, need I go on..... I would love to take my dogs out for a walk or have what it takes to go anywhere alone... I had an appointment last week and I was told it would only last about 15 mins, the building would be small, so I left my mum behind, got a taxi and arrived, the building was massive so needed my mum & my wheelchair. It was packed loads of noise which I can't stand. It was horrendous and I ended up having a massive panic attack and collapsed which has put me back months and I think the last straw for me was, I'm trying so hard to move on with my life and I have joined a dating site but the minute the dreaded brain injury is mentioned they run for the hills and I've just about had enough I just needed to get it all out with people that really really do understand me and know that we are not bloody aliens because of what has happened to us, it could happen to anyone at anytime of our lives and to be made to feel even more worthless than we may already be feeling is just horrendous.
Sorry if my first reply seemed a bit glib-I wasn't aware that that things had got as serious as they have.I am shocked to hear that you have considered such drastic measures.People leave us for many reasons:they find the change hard to accept,they fear they will not cope as a carer or sometimes just don't want to be 'tied'.This is in no way your fault-the problem lies with the other person.You have done so well,surviving the accident and will become a stronger person as a result.Time is the key.Time to adjust yourself to your new circumstances,to adapt to your physical problems ,time for your brain to heal.It can be very slow-2 years on for me and still some physical/cognitive issues.I have learned to be patient with myself,when to push,when to rest.
Shame you did not feel like you could connect with anyone at Headway-no matter how the injury was sustained I have found many similarities between us all on here and have learned a great deal from everyone's experiences.
Regarding the panic attacks-trying to avoid situations only makes them worse .You are in control,let them come,ride with them unpleasant as it is,,after a few minutes they subside,no damage done.Reactions will lesson.Psychology may be able to help with technique.
Please remember that you are still you,a valuable person ,much loved and needed -and doing a great job with your challenges.Respect to you.
I'm a bit naff at pep talks-hope this helped : ) x
I can identify with much of what you have written. The isolation that BI brings to our lives is very difficult to accept and manage. I have gone from being a very 'people' person to someone who hides away at home unable to cope with the big wide world out there but desparately wanting to be an accepted part of it. I have a child and he is my focus but I miss the adult friendships/relationships. Society and even the medical professionals just don't get it!! I am eagerly awaiting the start of a once weekly Headway day centre starting in my local area and hope it is going to meet with my expectations that it will bring something positive to my life. My only suggestion to you is whether there is a Headway Centre near you because they are the best organisation at understanding us?!
Hello,and thank you for your reply. Yes I did try headway but the closest one to me was full of older people that Unfortunatley had had strokes and I was the youngest one there but I was also the only one that had my injuries due to a car accident. So Unfortunatley ended up going home on those 3 afternoons per week that I went along for feeling worse than I felt before I went so I stopped going along. I really did give it a good go and the people were all nice but I still had no one that understood me.
So like you, I just stay at home, after the first public panic attack all I was thinking was get me home I never want to leave my house ever again EVER. I have been suffering panic attacks for ages but I usually have them at home or when In a car, so this time it was in the full view of what felt like the whole world all I could do was keep apologising to everyone that was trying to help me.
Sorry the only thing I had to suggest was something you already had tried. I do worry that I am placing too much expectation on what I hope to get from the Headway group and I have to admit I wondered how much I'm going to fit or not with the others who attend. But at the moment it is all I have to place my hopes that something will bring some positive experience to my life. Like you I see no family and they weren't even there when I was fighting for my life in hospital. My visitors were my friends, neighbours and work colleagues. However now no longer being in a work environment those colleagues have vanished along with most friends. I have one lovely neighbour who still pops in weekly to see me but the others don't understand and as they see me looking ok on the outside so I get bombarded with naff unhelpful and upsetting crass comments, expectations and suggestions etc. Like you I am concerned about the pressures placed on my son and the difficulties he has suddenly been presented with as other mum has gone and this new version is very confusing and way different! As I have said on here before - I wish we lived on a small island so that we could all meet up and be a social group together but unfortunately we are all scattered many miles from each other.
Sorry I don't have anything helpful to say other than I do understand as wearing the same T Shirt of 'My BI seriously affect my life'. And I don't like it either. x
Thank you I knew I could come here & say it how it really is & that every single one of u guys on her would be the only ones that really understand just how hard it really is.
I am with u re the island, I'd love to meet people that feel like I do just to sit and talk and be understood by others is so priceless.
I really really hope that the headway group u go too has people u can connect with, I just felt that I should be working there and deffinatly not be one of the members....
But maybe thats because my job used to be working with children with special needs.
I couldn't let go and let anyone care for me, I now when I went, I always felt like I was on the outside looking in and wouldn't join in with anything. That was me and my fault but it just wasn't for me.
I was 40 & obviously the youngest I was already struggling with having the injury & my age already without going to a group that I stood out like a sore thumb everyone else there was at least 60 but as I said before not one of them there had their injuries because of an RTC
I really hope u get more than I did from going. I was offered to go to a different one in a different town but I'm affraid for me I had completely been put off of the whole idea. I really really hope u have a better time than me. Take care and maybe let me know how u get on when u start.
I am 46,my partner (of 22 years ) is 66 ! I had suspected Encephalitis 2 years ago,my partner had a stroke 10 years ago,although we have different causes and resulting problems we feel like kindred spirits as it is all brain connected.Never write off the older generation,as the saying goes -there's many a good tune played on an old fiddle : )
Sorry to hear that your head is in a dark place just now - we have all been there at one time or another.
I have just read your story.I think it is the whole unfairness of it all that gets to us sometimes.We never asked for this but have been left to pick up the pieces - some of us with less help and more loss than others.I am so,so lucky that I have made the recovery I have and that I have a great family.I understand where you are coming from when the help starts to dwindle as time passes -people assume that you are 'all better'.In reality we never stop healing -it's an ongoing process.I see that you have two lovely poochies,I have found my pets (Jess, my lab and Ozzie,my house rabbit ! ) a great comfort and spirit lift.I am of the belief that there is someone for everyone.My glass is always half full - shame my head is often half empty !
Oh Dora, your words are heart-breaking and I am so, so sorry for your pain and feelings of isolation. I'm not sure though that anyone can break through that isolation. How can they when it's completely invisible.
Loved ones won't ever fully acknowledge it anyway ; they daren't. It would mean, for them, letting go of someone they've known & loved for so long and it would be just too scary.
As Danslatete has said, the nature of the battle is that it's a solitary one, needing enormous strength & willpower . . . . . . . . something which has deserted you right now and has left you in a horribly depressed and depleted state.
This might sound patronizing ; I hope not, but our grief from any loss, including impairment from injury, comes in stages ranging from bewilderment & other emotions through to a sense of rage and despair. And often we need help getting through that.
Please Dora, talk to your GP and tell him/her what you've told us. And please accept help, whether talking therapy or medication because it appears you really do need some form of intervention to help you through this desperation.
Please take some strength from the fact that you are loved & valued here, but the will to get through your depression can only come from within yourself.
Whatever you decide to do Dora, please keep posting to get as much support as you can.
Thank you Cat, I value everything you have said, I knew I could come here and say everything I said without being judged or people jumping to the wrong conclusions. Sometimes just having people that you know really do understand you and are not just saying I understand when you know they never will...
I'm glad to say on Wednesday I have an analitic psychology meeting which can't some soon enough for me.
If I'm not completeley worn out when I get back from the appointment I'll let you know how it all went.
Thank you for you support
Valerie x
Oh Dora: you write how I feel. My life feels empty (but full of jobs I'm supposed to do and endless paperwork). People say WE must go out, do things, change how WE are. I tried SO hard, year after year but am now totally broken. I never had panic attacks until recently, didn't really know what they were,now I do. Went into one today when finally opened 2 letters couldn't bear to open coz mega fear stress and it's THREATS FROM BAILIFFS for bill I haven't paid, don't even know where bills are = lost in my chaos of papers. Completely fell to bits, shaking as I read it, not got a cheque book and don't know how to pay it or what it's for. HATE my life, can't do this.
There are lots of us Dora like this: no help at all, isolated, cut off, only we're invisible. Yes, I've thought of suicide several times (those brown envelopes social security = it ISN'T and housing stuff, too many moves) and even more so recently with housing mega fears and problems. And tried to keep bailiffs away by paying rent I thought I shouldn't coz house dangerous: in itself and especially for ME. But nobody cares and I keep getting fobbed off. Then if I died here they'd all say oh dear, shame we didn't do anything sooner. But think they prefer to take the risk with us all coz 'small' risk maybe = in THEIR opinion. Keep trying to say how it feels but can't EVER say or write it properly, tried over and over = failed.
Haven't seen my son for over a year, our relationship destroyed and also my old friends: gave so much and I HATE keep taking. Usually, in past, was give and take but now me too needy and they fed up of giving and can't understand how I am coz (although VERY haggard and lined) I look 'fine'. My fault for trying to put on brace face for them? Usually people only see me when out and able to put fake face (mask) on: that I'm coping but I'm not but TRY to.
People say keep working at it all but I'm EXHAUSTED and BROKEN. You too? What happens to US? Fall through all the safetynets. And yes, I went to headway meetings and couldn't (still can't) tell MY story nor say what bits of me/brain are injured coz I was injured by medical errors and was even scared to say THAT. My injuries don't exist because no doctor has said they're there. HURTS SO BAD. The lies and denials and no info or care.
Dora, I don't know what to say because I've tried everything and nothing changes. The meds made me REALLY ill and the psychologist I paid to see went behind my back and talked about me without me being there even though I'd told her not to. Asked for receipt for money I've paid and she won't do it. She told me (coz crying loads) 'you're over-dramatising' and social services keep fobbing me off. Paid woman in UK to help me with housing, agent,leaks and things not working and she DIDN'T and had a go AT ME coz I was upset by what she did. But she blamed ME and MY behaviour.
Hate myself, hate my life, no hope left, GPs just shout I'm a psychiatric case and dump me. Specialists refuse to answer my questions and claim (after 'examining' me) that nothing is wrong. I feel sick, wake up and cry most days. Feel utterly abandonned and have no hope left. Nobody believes anything I say and they choose to slam all doors in my face. Don't know how to go on. HURT SO BAD.
You and me same? But you're much younger, I was lucky: had had a lot of life before.
Best wishes = but that doesn't HELP does it?
SO sorry we can't DO anything. I'm at the very edge again and useless pointless person. My brain and memory FAR worse now but people refuse to believe it coz sometimes I write/talk like that isn't true. Nobody sees the CHAOS in my head and I can't explain it.
I know this sounds so pathetic or even stupid but I'm so glad I'm not the only one that feels like this... I haven't paid any of my bills this month as I just don't have the money I'm supposed to find it all from the money pit that must be hiding down the bottom of the garden. Can't pay my rent this Friday coming as still won't have enough money... My law firm that is supposed to take care of me and all that sort of stuff aren't really but then I can't cope with anything at all right now, can't pick up the phone, never open my post, so stressed I'll end up living on the street. But know money wise one day everything will be all ok it's just right now when I need the money & the help the most i'm struggling all on my own....
I know how you feel and its horrendous, I used to be so organised & would never have got in a state like this before but now all I can see is this big black hole and no way out
My claim is still ongoing.... the last interim payment for my so called six moths of private care has now all gone & I don't really see any of that money & I'm now all out, I've been coasting along just keeping my head above water but that's it now i'm all out and I hate owing money and not being able to pay all the bills. I've managed now for nearly 2 years but I have nothing but certain benefits to live on... I want to work so I can keep my mind busy as an idle mind just makes for more stresses with me I can't work because of all my injuries & worst of all I had to go to see the occupational therapist about being given early retirement due to all my injuries last week. So it's all just pants right now. I still think sometimes this is all a dream & none of it really happened at all and then I come back down to earth with a massive bump... I was so full of life, indepentant, never ever used to asking for help with anything & yet now I can't even bath myself, do any housework or have any energy to cook for myself or my son.... I don't think I'll ever be able or even want to drive ever again and I'm so bitter and just don't know how the hell to get over this rage I have inside... Sometimes I'm all ok & think yes finally I'm getting there and then I have a week like last week and I have to start all over again. And I'm so sick & tired of the fight & the battle for me & my son. None of any of this is fair on him regardless of if I'm still alive or if I'm gone, the poor little man has so much on his plate and I hate to think in a year from now he'll be trying to focus on exams how the hell can he do any of that stuck with me for a mother... And there we go I'm off again worrying about yet more, what if he fails his exams & it's all because of me....
Please Valerie, make a telephone appointment with your GP and tell him/her how dreadful you're feeling. It's obvious that your circumstances are dragging you down but It's also clear that whatever medication you're presently taking for depression is simply not working.
I'm not clued up on financial matters, but the Headway helpline might be able to advise you on how to proceed in getting support with your claim. Just a reminder that the helpline no (free) is 0808 800 2244 9pm-5pm mon-fri.
You need all the help you can get Valerie ; please ask for it.
I understand why you feel like this referring to dating. Before I joined my local Headway in 2007, I spent, roughly, 6 years doing nothing.
Didn't have a job, had no intentions to get one and later found I was not fit for a job anyway.
In these 6 years is where I lost loads of confidence and independence and I was pretty anti social too. In other words 'I was a right hermit' :).
As I had rarely any friends on the outside, I decided to use online chat rooms and hopefully make friends there. I did, it just happened that some of those friends lived half the way around the world.
I did also join some dating sites myself, I don't really know why though. Yes I was lonely but I never really did anything on these dating sites, I just set up a profile and that was it.
I guess I was thinking 'If I spill the honey, I'll attract the bees' that isn't what happened though :). And being moderately shy around women mixed with being anti social does not help.
I was annoyed at myself during those years but there wasn't more else I could really do.
Now, I am a part of Headway. I do a little volunteering for them. My confidence is on the rise again. I get out more, join other groups and am not so anti social as I was.
I can actually talk to pretty ladies now without blushing or saying one word answers where they might think I don't like them :).
I'm still single but a part of me is used to that now and I don't bother to dwell on it.
Hi Dora 21, I can relate to a lot of your angst at your situation and also Muddled's. Like you both I live alone so know its hard if there's no-one there to mull things over with and share. That's why Headway is such a good immediate support - it lets you get things off your chest and out of that mind that keeps going round and round - holding the same silent conversations with yourself. You are lucid and intelligent in the way you write, use the other friend you have in your home you are using now to contact us here. Have you thought about using search engines as another aide - contact your local councillor and/or MP - their contact details will be online somewhere through a search engine. Just put their name and also councillor or MP and say where for - then click on the search icon or just press the return key on your keyboard in the search line.
Hopefully you'll get several search items come up on the next page to appear- look carefully at the internet address below the title of the search suggestion - don't get taken in and land on a spoof site that may have a virus etc., Once you have found the relevant people you need, then you may be able to email but better still a letter setting out your situation and the aide you need asap. Try emailing also - but then its down sometimes to a secretary perhaps to look and discard or bring to attention. You need a plan in your head - that the 1st strong point then try and follow that plan 2nd etc etc till you find you are getting somewhere. - OK it doesn't always pan out, there are stll the bad days sometimes but also many good days when something goes well or you wake up, the sun is shining and its a start to a good day.
Put a coat, hat & gloves on, no-one will see what you look like and start a daily routine - 5 mins one day and the next and the next if need be - then one day you'll find yourself walking or going further, you perhaps start seeing the same people, school mums and children, dog walkers. I can only give you the idea, I don't know your locale - so you are the best judge of that. There is a café bar/shop near to me so often I go in for a hot chocolate or fruit tea, she buys it in specially for me. Its someone to interact with - so I hope you and muddled are angry at me - I really do empathise with both situations - one of you is also in France, I have knowledge of both cultures and gradually getting to grips with system here, and the easiest way to make things work for you is get out there, via internet telephone and daily life if possible - kick up a fuss if need be - I've done that in both countries and slowly its getting me somewhere with the authorities.
Don't forget the plans! Wishing you both well, Shirley xx
Sambs,what a great positive attitude you have.That is exactly how I tackled my physical aspects.
Dogwalk physio,meet and greet fellow walkers,going a little faster or further each time.Met a regular old lad the other day,out collecting firewood for his open fire-nice chat,made us both smile.No way was I going to give in to my legs,even though it was a painful shambles at first.Your little cafe sounds like a wonderful haven -Hot choc is the only thing I drink as I don't like tea or coffee : )
Some days can't even leave the house, some days no internet, PC needs updating and virus stuff. SO easy to say keep writing letters,keep making a fuss but I'm BROKEN and EXHAUSTED. Can't sleep, terrified of being homeless/moved on yet again to somewhere TOTALLY unsuitable. TIRED of hassling, try argue, try get heard. Write letters and NO reply or else stupid one that says NOTHING. So easy to SAY do all this, can't. At the END, BROKEN BROKEN BROKEN. Nobody listens or believes. I don't exist. Sick of being told I (ME) must HELP MYSELF: been trying for over 9 years. SICK of not getting help I need especially after so may 'assessments'. Sick of being dumped sick of people being horrid and promising to help then NOT. SICK SICK SICK and yes, it's made me far more ill than before. Their CHOICE = SICK.
It's so hard when people see what they want to see. I laugh, smile and joke around because I have what some people have called a 'quick wit' but few if any see the hurt behind the mask.
I am lucky that I have some great friends and neighbours that do understand me and that although I might look fine that I'm far from it. Part of that came from me being open and honest with them about how I am and how I feel but trying not to be melodramatic or over stateing my case.
The isolation that I feel, especially with those that don't now of my problems, is immense and at times totally soul destroying.
I am currently going to a health self management group arranged by my local medical practice and they are run by a pain clinition, councellors and relaxation/psycologists with occasional oth proffesionals visiting the group.
I have found it brilliant. I'm amonst others in similar positions as me, although with different conditions, and they actually 'get it'. The proffesional on hand give great advice and coping strategies. Unfortunately the course is only 6 x 2.5 hrs sessions and my last is next tuesday but they will run follow up sessions and have put me in touch with other places like a walk in coffee morning for people such as our selves.
If it sounds appealing it might be worthwhile talking to your local practice or watching the local press to see if there is one in your area. I can't recomend it enough.
Take heart there are people out here who do 'get it' and will give you the support and comfort you need.
Hi Dora so sad to read you feeling so low . TBI is like an explosion that radiates outwards and makes life very difficult. Though those words don't even cover it really. I don't have TBI , my partner of nearly four years does and we met ten years after his TBI so I ve only known him since. Really hard for you that those around you have found it so difficult to support you. When you need support the most so difficult when that support isn't there.
Yes that's really tough. You've been through big losses so it's no wonder you're finding life tough at the moment. It's a hell of a lot to adjust to . I wish you well and hope you can find the support you need practically , emotionally and with the work / benefits situation. x
It's amazing how others understanding you makes such a vast difference. I see ABI Recovery Team as my real friends at the moment as they understand me and my current situation. I grieve at the loss of two of my true friendships as they just see me as I used to look like and I'm not at work.
Understanding is profound.
Accepting others may not understand changes your outlook for the better.
Take each hour, part of the day, day as it comes Dora.
Thank u for your kind positive words & to everyone I may of not replied to personally, thank you all. Once again I know I can always come here no matter what or however bad life may feel there is always people on here that understand & will always care and that really does mean the world to people like me who doesn't really get any help or sympathy from anyone...I'm so glad I found this site xx
Oh dear! been there, got the T-shirt and all that rubbish!
It's fine and normal to feel the way you do but you must remember in your darkest hour that it WILL get better. I would imagine what I expected life to be like for me and aim higher hoping to get somewhere near it. It worked eventually! I found that looking to hard was worse than actually finding no one. Just take your time and someone will appear and knock you off your feet.
A tip if you're still reading this! I would buy the odd book along the way read and take note, A good read if you have the concentration, (you don't have to read it in one go) is titled, How to Win Freinds and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
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xx
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