Ruminating/Procrastinating

I do believe I have an unfortunate habit of ruminating/procrastinating

I was like this prior to BI even as a child I was quite the perfectionist I rememer sitting a really tough exam at college I believe it was a microbiology/pathology paper and I remember very vividly crying at the fact I ONLY achieved 98%

I think these traits aren't particularly negative in an undamaged brain to a certain point

Unfortunately these traits have been magnified so I ruminate to the point of picking apart and scrutinising everything in fine detail

I simply cannot help myself ! I do believe its contributing to my loss of self control with my temper etc

A major subject I spend a lot of time thinking about is my career ambitions I worked my butt off to gain a place at university

I was due to start september just gone! I studied and studied breezed the interview so much so that the head tutor who was quite a tough nut to crack offered me a place the same day! Normally it takes upto two weeks to hear!

I have deferred for 1 year so I am meant to start september 2015 I am in limbo I don't think I'm going to be ready the course is very demanding both physically and mentally with a large chunk of placements and theory based learning

Can you imagine what would happen If a surgeon spoke to me disrespectfully which happens fairly frequently in theatres!

LOL!

I guess I just need to trust the process that time is a healer but I refuse to give up on my dream

xxx

13 Replies

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  • Hi Emma

    You sound so similar to me pre and post BI. Perfectionist definitely I was and still am. I was about to complete my last year in Masters degree in People management and development, and through v hard work, I was promoted just a month before my accident. To say I was gutted to lose my job and unable to continue my Masters led me to depression and frustration. I totally understand what you are going through, you worked v hard and now it is has been taken away from you.. life was fast paced and now you must be looking out the window thinking gosh I'm bored, what the hell happened to my life, the loss and frustration . I remember at a Headway support meeting the lady leading said 'Sara you seem to be in such a rush to get better, you must take your time!' I was completely lost it and said of course I am in hurry I want my old life back, I do not want to sit around drinking coffee for the rest of my life.

    I still ruminate and can become quite fixated, it is a long path, but it does improve. I tried to rush my recovery, but ended up in total frustration, and a lot more. You will find the new Emma and a new life, and each few months you will improve. I did not keep a diary for the first year, but I wished I had, because I would be able to see the improvement, but I cannot remember, only others tell me. Now in my third year I have started, yes stubbornness stopped me !! But it does help, and you see on a bad day, look back and find a good day in your diary, and this will help. Be kind to yourself, I still forget that today, when I overloaded.

    Hope this helps xx

  • Hi sara yes I do believe we are quite similar :) I have thought this also when I've read posts you've replied to or composed

    Thank you it's nice to feel not do alone with the struggles that BI creates

    Xx

  • it is still early days, six months? sorry can't sequence months of the year well.

    i'm certinly improving still 1 year on, just pasted the anversery whoohoo! and from what others have said the improvment might slow but it does keep going for a long while.

    I suspect you'd hate to let it (dream) die now sounds like you are improving so see how it goes, sound like a bright driven person so thats very much in your favour.

  • I know I've just got to be patient but I seem to have ironically lost all of the patience I had before BI

    I was constantly being told that I had the patience of a saint I took it for granted though especially at work I used to just think it was normal to have that amount of patience

    I used to work with mainly the elderly in long term conditions although sometimes in the acute setting

    Along with long term conditions in elderly care comes a lot of dementia and Alzheimer's and this would require endless amounts of patience

    I am not ready to give up I'll just have to wing it

    Post BI I need certainty and structure LOL I have almost turned into a completely different person entirely

    Hope you are doing ok!?

    Emma x

  • I hate saying this (because it used to make me scream when I heard it) but its really is early days...and way too soon to seriously consider giving up on any dreams... You may have to take a detour or a different approach to getting there, but you will find your way to where you are supposed to be in the world...

    and in the meantime you get to hang out with us...how great is that :d (two tabs open so I can copy your smilies into this one yay me LOL)

  • Hello iforget

    Yeah I know early days :-D

    In the meantime I'll keep grinning like a maniac here :-D :-D

  • I AM HYPER, HYPER ANALYTICAL, ALWAYS HAVE BEEN BUT IT SEEMS TO BE WORSE SINCE BI.

    I'VE HAD BAD HEAD PAIN FOR THE LAST 3 DAYS & I'M INCESSANTLY TRYING TO ANALIZE WHY.

    WHY??? YOU'VE HAD A BLOODY BRAIN INJURY ,I TRY & SAY TO MYSELF JUST ACCEPT THAT'S WHY & STOP

    TRYNG TO ANALYSE WHY.

    MAKES ME SO MAD. AFTER 17 YRS I SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

  • Yep sounds like me all over !

    Ironically it's my analytical mind that got me my uni place ! :(

  • WHAT WAS YOUR UNI COURSE?

  • Hi ZEB :)

    It's termed Operating Department Practice in essence it's Theatre Nursing

    Xx

  • REALLY IMPRESSIVE. MAKES MY INTERNATIONAL MARKETING & LANGUAGES SEEM A BIT FEEBLE

  • Not at all ZEB i see yours the same :) honestly I'm impressed!

  • THANKS!!

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