Good morning! I'm scott...new to site. I'm on round 3 cancer. It has resulted in major changes in my life which I'm sure all can relate to.
I think at this point, what I have the hardest time with is when I'm exhausted. I get very anxious when I'm tired bc I can't focus I think. But I feel empty and depleted...like I got nothing left. I get very depressed and it pervades my life.
While I've got major financial issues, it's becoming copacetic and I should feel greatly relieved and I am but I'm still a mess inside.
I'm very selective about how I spend my energy and choose my own company bc people basically wear me out.
How do you stay motivated? Wouldn't you just assume...to pass...asap? Hurts to say, but it's the truth. Trying to be happy, joyous, and free is exhausting. Thank you.
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Hi Scott...I know what you mean. I get weary a lot. I feel what's the use anymore. But then I go outside and see all the beautiful things around me - the trees, the green grass, my dog running in the yard, my loving husband standing by me and I think God has blessed me with this day, He is not ready for me yet so enjoy the little things and I do. I don't know if that makes sense but I try to live in the positive moments
Try to hang in there. I know it is hard. I'm stage 4. Been there for over year.
I understand. I get thrown a lot. Especially at night when I try to sleep. My mind goes back to when I was the old Mary who could work, sleep flat in a bed (now I have to sleep in a recliner as I can't breathe laying flat), walk over a few blocks without huffing and puffing, take showers for relaxation (now the shower wears me out for the steam makes it hard for me to breathe). Etc. I cry myself to sleep some nights. But even then I try hard to remember the new me and the great people and my dog I have in my life. I have to take anti-depression meds but that is ok to. The meds have helped. I still miss working and I don't like being on disability etc. but I have started looking at life differently now. I focus on living and enjoy little things like I should have before but was to busy. My petting of my dog is so important now, reading a book I always wanted to. Playing a card game with my husband or us just singing a song and mind you neither of us can sing. It's hard, some days I don't even want to get dress but I tell myself God gave me this day - experience one joy or give someone or even my dog one joy today and it will be a great day. Make someone smile today and then I can smile to. I hope this makes sense. I don't know we got cancer. It's hell!! But keep fighting and look for that little bit of sunshine to warm you on those dismal days. For me today it was riding south from my home in Omaha with my husband and dog to a small town to a once in lifetime experience even though it was cloudy to see the eclipse. We are here for you. Keep fighting
I will if you will. We don't know about tomorrow but we have today. Live it up with me Scott!
This is a nice story I was crying reading this I am on lung cancer patients so busy in the past 22 years working hard hard hard I didn't have a time for life now I understand what life mean
Didn't mean for you to cry. It's just a shame that it took lung cancer for us to totally realize how important life little things are. But I'm glad I know what is really important to me now. Living each day for the beauty in this moment.
Ahhh lol...you're terrific! I believe you've found the silver lining!
I'm working on it...my son was in from CA this past week and it gave me a terrific lift...he doesn't know it but he probably gave me a good kick in the butt too (haha).
Coming on this site resulted from his request that a see a therapist. It's not really a consideration. It's too intense and stressful...appointments to keep, commitment, & $50 a wk! But I hate disappointing him...so I checked out cancer survivors groups. This I can do.
I'm trying to make a decision to just stop being so miserable. I listen to Joel Olsteen and he talks about 'the best years being ahead'.
Gees, it's like I have to give myself permission to feel good! I've forgotten what that feels like. I have to get out of the way and let stuff go.
I think you're a blessing. But don't tell anyone I said that...I might have to cop to engaging in real conversation.
Good for your son!! I remember when I was really down in dumpster mood and told my husband I was ready just to put me in hospice even though I wasn't physically that sick, he said a few words to me which I won't repeat. Basically it was to quit feeling sorry for myself that the cancer hadn't beaten me yet and look around at the beautiful world I was living in. I know someday the cancer will win but it's not going to win because I felt sorry for myself. I'm going to fight until the final count. Let's keep laughing until then. My dog is named Winnie. What's yours Scott?
Oh Mary...years ago when I was seeing a therapist, he told me I was an 'oy vey' kind of guy...lol!
I'm not sure what exactly has precipitated it...probably a combination of things and readiness...but I haven't felt as free as I seem to be feeling in a very long time. I'm only telling you bc I'm certainly not feeling secure in my footing...sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop (pun intended!).
My dog is zoey :-). She'll be six on 9/1. She's gonna get a ride in the car with the windows down, on my lap with her head out the window! She loves it! Gonna buy a porterhouse steak and leave lots of meat on the bone for her. The bone is almost half as long as she is, but she manages to pick it up and find a favorite spot.
What kind of pooch is Winnie? They are truly a comfort and joy!
Oh, do I relate to the hospice fantasy! The idea of the relief it would be to be DONE has put me to sleep many, many nights. This is hard to let go of. It comes into my head and is just too comforting to fight.
But for the first time in forever I'm feeling like I have some choice in the matter. There are, I hate to admit, somethings that I can do to help myself feel better.
I've begun. It's empowering.
So you're out in Nebraska! Omg, how close are you to neighbors? I live in a condo southwest of central CT.
'Fighting' sounds intimidating but laughing sounds more fun!
Winnie is a big lap dog at 100 pounds. She is part golden retriever and German shepherd. We got her from a humane society about 3 hours away from where we live. She is now about 4 1/2. She also loves to ride in the car and either puts her head out the window or on the arm rest between my husband and myself. We try to take her for rides and walks 3 or 4 times a week. We live in the city of Omaha which has population of a couple 100,000. I can't remember how big it is. Ever since I had chemo, I don't remember simple things like that. Oh well at least I still remember my name and how to laugh at myself. Is your city big?
Hey Mary, hope all's well! Winnie sounds terrific. Guess I'm in the suburbs...it's semi rural...course semi rural probably means a whole different thing in Nebraska!
Have been on an upswing, dare I say. Contemplating seeing a couple of clients (I'm a psychotherapist) again. I need something to generate some income and it might be the simplest thing to do. I couldn't have thought it possible a year ago.
I say it but I'm hoping the reality of it isn't going to freak me out. I'm not 100% I can do this. I can get overwhelmed easily...& just need to stop what I'm doing. Anyway...we'll see, lol!
Is it starting to get chilly out there? Omg, those poor folks in Texas! Have a good one!
Thought you went missing in action so to speak. September is a great month in Nebraska. Weather right now is still in high 70 and low 80s. Football starts tonight in Lincoln Nebraska. Our College team is the Cornhuskers. We don't have the right cable so I won't get to watch but that's ok for my husband hates football. What kind of specialty is your practice? I spent over 25 years in Human Resources especially in Benefits. I was always the person employees would bring their problems to. I referred many people to EAP and counselors over my career. I had to go on disability due to the cancer - bummer. I miss working. Write when you want.
Hey Mary! Howrya? Things get bit busier during the week but all's well. I've got a doctorate in counseling studies and focused on 'integrated care' for those with combined substance use & mental health issues.
I am thinking of moving forward with it. Scary to say that...I had gotten deeply depressed and still trying to get out from under a little more substantially.
But what the heck, right?...as long as I don't REALLY screw someone up more...lol!
How have you been feeling? Is your husband retired also?
Feeling good. Husband was unemployed, looking for a job when I got the news about cancer. Fast forward due to all my Drs. appointments, treatments, getting really sick due to chemo and radiation, he ended up taking care of me and just quit looking. His health is not the best but to good to get social security disability. So we struggle to get by on my social security disability and long term disability from my last employer. I think you should see a couple clients. It would be healthy for you I think to take mind off of Cancer. I would love to work if physically I could. Think about it. What do you do with your time? Mary. (pushy-aren't I- ha ha)
Welcome to Free to Breathe Scott. I'm so glad you found us. We here are all impacted by lung cancer in one way or another. Some are battling this nasty disease, while others are caring for loved ones with it. Each of our journeys is different, yet we share many experiences. We support and learn from each other. It sounds as though you have had a very difficult journey and it has worn you down. Have you spoken to your doctor's about how you are feeling? There are medications out there that can help as well as therapists who can help deal with all the troubling aspects of cancer and its treatments. This is a difficult process at best and we all react differently.
I hope you find something that works for you and helps you through this process. It is not a sign of weakness to seek help, but rather a sign of strength. Feel free to vent here. We all need to do that, but hesitate to do it with friends and family. We are here for you and many of us have been where you are now.
you are allowed to be feeling everything you are feeling. don't feel as though you have to entertain people.. I slept a lot and people had to understand that my strength was fragile. just let them know that their thoughts and prayers were appreciated. sounds like you have chemo brain. after the chemo is over, it will take some time to regain the brain that you once knew.. hang in there happyier days are coming.. good luck and best wishes,, a 12 year survivor..
Welcome to the community! This is a great place to share your real feelings, Many of us have been where you are now. As of last Thursday I am a 5 time cancer survivor, all of them primaries. Right now I'm facimg the possibility of having vocal chord cancer, too. It seems to never end.
It is human to sometimes think of giving up the fight because it has taken so much out of us, but then we get back on track. New normals are hard to incorporate into our already restricted lives, but we do it.
I strongly recommend that you talk to your doc openly about depression and perhaps the need for anti-anxiety/anti-depression meds. There is no shame in admitting you need help to get through this - I did and am grateful my doc listened!
Finances are always a challenge. Talk to your doc's financial folks and lay out a payment plan that you can live with. Look to Medicaid for help, too.
Good morning, Scott, let me join the others in welcoming you to our community. It is wonderful to have you here with us. Your feelings are understandable, please talk with your nurse or doctor candidly about how you are feeling; talk to them about the finances as well. You are not alone. If you would like some information on financial resources, please email me at pbezruki@freetobreathe.org. All of our resources and materials are free. I would love to hear from you. Please keep talking to us!
Hello Bella, ty for the validation! I find it difficult to really talk with friends or a therapist for that matter...way to stressful.
No chemo but 2 surgeries and STRT treatments. I never bounced back...really lost all drive. In here it seems like folks have been thru way worse but somehow retain a positive composure....
Hi Laurie-Anne, love that name. I'm on meds but perhaps I could use some tweaking. I suppose I could just tell her...they're not working like they used too, lol.
Scott when they told me i had lung cancer i wanted to just give up and then i got the attitude i'm not going to let it get to me . i did it myself from smoking so i've got to get myself out of it so i changed my attitude joked about it and never cried because i did't want my family to see me that way and guess what i took chemo from oct. to june and it spread all over my body .my dr. put me on obtivo june 2016 sept. 2016 i had a cat scan and it wasnt there anymore and so far knock on wood it stayed away but i can take treatment every 2 weeks and and im going to fight till the end so please dont give up
Scott, when you are exhausted rest and think on Jesus. If you read my page there are scriptures that saved my sanity and life. Surround yourself with people who love you and who will encourage you. Get mad at the cancer and tell it to go to hell. Tell it you are going to beat it and when you take your treatments think of them as your friend that will help you kill cancer. I embraced every chemo and rad treatment this way. If you have someone who will make bone broth soup for this will help you with fatigue and give you clear head for a while. I would write more but this hurricane stuff and flooding has worn me out. I need to sleep. God Bless
Hey Texas...I hope you're not in a difficult situation with the flood!
I marvel at you and many of the folks in here...who have it much worse than I yet people are so strong and have such faith.
I've allowed myself to become so depressed. Only good thing about it is, it's not sustainable. It's like enough already, I'm sick of feeling miserable.
Trying very hard to gain equilibrium and feel good about myself again. But boy I can nosedive in a matter of moments. I come out of it but sure doesn't seem possible when I feel underwater.
Scott, I know when you don't have the strength to get up and even to focus. I talked to God during these times. I found scripture that gave me promises and strength and I prayed these until I would fall asleep. It has taken a year for me to get back to a normal way of life . I get up each day and thank God for his mercies😍 For they are new each day. I'm praying for you to find that umph within you and fight on.
Update on flooding in my part of the state. We are dry and starting to get back to "normal". Rivers are holding in some areas and spilling over the banks in others. Hopefully this time next week the waters in our area will have receded . God Bless
I agree, when having the big C diagnosis is exhausting in so many levels! I hate being tired and running to doctors. I have found cancer helps one see who is really a friend! My favorite line is I have 4 saturdays in a month therefore spend your time and energy with those that matter!!!
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love that name. I'm on meds but perhaps I could use some tweaking. I suppose I could just tell her...they're not working like they used too, lol.
Recliner or reading pillow?
My New Badge
Been wanting to write this for awhile
multiple new nodules on 1st CT scan after surgery
