Hey all, I have been reluctant to post since my last message, as I have been deeply depressed. I used to wonder why people are so secretive about their cancers, especially lung cancer. Well, I think I know now. If people aren't judging you about smoking ( I personally quit, yet people look at you like, well I guess you got what you deserved) or avoiding you like the plague for they don't know how to deal with end of life issues. Then you have wonderful friends that bend over backwards to help, yet are offended if I present them with a gift of thanks; Like you're the poster child for lung cancer and they have to do everything for you; Then there is your spouses who actually have to grieve while you are still alive, and you end up balling your eyes out because you wished you had never told anyone....Then there are the doctors who feel that you are not worth saving, they think you are going to continue to trash your body, so why bother! Ugh. After 4 years of seeing life as beautiful as it can be...fresh eyes that want to let everyone know how precious life is...the wonders of the world that you could never see before. Complaining about how crappy life is; I remember when I would go outside at work to smoke on my breaks. People are passing by....looking at you like, those things are going to kill you; replying "well, I'm going to die of something" Soooo stupid!
I recently was hospitalized for a thoracentesis (usually this is an outpatient procedure to drain fluid off of your lungs) simply because I would be in trouble if the only lung I had left would collapse. The doctor on call at the hospital actually chastised me for coming to the emergency room, as this was what my pulmonoligist suggested. Well, the fluid came back as exudate, not good. I am 48 in a week or so. I'll be lucky if I see 49. I'm okay with that. I had my miracle moments, and have been blessed with 3 years so far. Now this...why do I have to ball like a baby when I can't breathe and am not able to do what I used to do. Or because my husband of thirty years is crying when he hears certain songs of our yesteryears and I end up balling my eyes out with him. So now we are facing putting out house on the market, after moving to our own little paradise to live out what's left of our lives. I am on oxygen full time, and if anyone can relate, it feels like a ball and chain. Like it's my punishment for being such a dummy for smoking. I was born in 1969, Cronkite was smoking on air, the doctors smoked in the operating rooms. In my own life, all of my family smoked. You rode in cars with the windows up. Christmas parties with the relatives chain smoking. There were smoking areas at school. I started when I was thirteen. Of course, that was all hush hush. After taking patches, chantix, actually quitting after trying so hard to kick the habit. It took over a year. Now I can't watch anything on television or movies without someone lighting up. I never realized until recently, how the entire planet earth was brainwashed into being okay with filling the air with smoke, our streets, parks with butts. The worst drug on planet earth and it's legal, and the hardest to kick. If I was a conspiracy theorist, I would say..."Population control" I kid of course. But man!!
So needless to saty, it's been a bad day. Thanks for letting me vent. If anyone knew of the horrid pain that comes with cancer itself, They would never get near this horribble drug.
Please forgive me for ranting and raving. I needed to reach out to people that must be going through the same things. Bless all of us with the will to live despite everything <3
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hm69ruby
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Oh wow. First, so sorry for what you're going through. I just lost my mom to lung cancer who was a heavy smoker. Even after basically forcing her to reduce her smoking from a pack a day to 6 a day and her saying to me, "you have to die from something" Once learning of her lung cancer and 3 weeks from diagnosis to her death I wondered what was the point in me getting her to reduce her smoking intake. Well, I couldn't have known how much damaged was done. I just wanted to STOP further damage. Now, I do regret not letting her just live her life with her cigarettes and just let it be. But I controlled the number of cigarettes and I now wish if she was going to die, die doing what you loved or felt comfortable with
imina, I just need to say that what you did you did out of love and a terrible need to save the person you cared so deeply for...hindsight is great, but you did nothing wrong - you were fighting for your mom's life. Please forgive yourself, I know your mother does. Honestly, forgiveness is not necessary - you were giving her the best shot at living. There is no fault there - only deep, abiding love. And that is something lovely to hang on to. You fought for her. Good for you.
This is my 5th and final cancer. I've gone through all the public shame on this one, and must wonder why this is the one that gets all the shame and negativity. I don't cry much, so it is hard to relate to you bawling your eyes out, but I certainly do understand it.
All you really can do is accept that you did the best possible at the time with the tools and information you had. We all would change things, but we can't - we just did the best we could.
I'm 59 in 3 weeks, and wonder if I will make it to 60. Because my ca is aggressive but very slow-growing, the answer is probably yes...but in what condition. I've lost friends over this, as though it was okay to have the previous 4 cancers, but lung cancer is somehow different. Well, it isn't.
I am tired. physically and emotionally drained all the time, but I do get up and fight back - what else is there to do? I pray you will find the strength to crawl out of the depression and fight back, too. Do the things YOU like to do and are capable of doing, even if you only do them in pieces. Let your friends help - I find that the hardest thing to do! and thank them if you wish.
I am so glad that we were here for you and that you allowed yourself to vent. I never smoked and have been cancer free for 3 1/2 years, and when I tell someone that I had lung cancer they automatically assume that I smoked. Then when I tell them I never smoked their response is "oh", regardless of if someone smoked or not nobody deserves this horrible disease. Just remember that-always embrace each day and realize that sometimes you will have "pity parties" allow them to happen, then pull yourself up-keep going and enjoying each and every day. Sending you a big hug!
I agree. I was a smoker for 43 years. However my brother who never smoked died of lung cancer 3 months before I was diagnosed. I cannot be bothered with people who judge, and I have been blessed with great doctors so I consider myself lucky.
This is the place to vent! I'm so sorry that dealing with cancer has also meant you have to deal with stigma and judgement.
Sometimes my husband and I have to cry together, too. I think it's almost harder on the caregiver than on the patient... All you can do is try to be kind to each other and gave those big decisions together.
I'm so sorry that you about your experiences with this terrible disease. Your anger and depression are perfectly understandable under the circumstances. We all experience them in our own ways. People who have not heard that scariest of diagnoses "cancer" cannot possibly understand the emotional rollercoaster it creates. I'm so glad you chose to vent here because we understand and we all need to vent at one time or another.
I pray for you and your husband at this extremely difficult time.
Your letter came at an interesting time. Just yesterday I was going through the usual post treatment feeling ( nauseous, feeling overall crappy, sleep a lot, not eating etc ). I have lost weight because I don't eat. I am not hungry for anything. My caregiver, my wife Janet, is so strong. She takes care of me both emotional and spiritual. It makes me cry to think how she could handle my death when it comes. I still an fighting but at times I do lose hope. I've been marries 35 years and God could not have blessed me with any other woman that could be better for me then Janet.
I do cry too. That's o.k...I think with every "new" pain or weird feeling the cancer is spreading. It may be...I have a scan scheduled for end of July. Need to go through 2 more treatments beforehand. W pray daily to God for healing. Jesus healed so many while he walked the earth. He can heal me and you too. I think, if it is not to be for whatever reason, how disappointed it would be for my wife and daughter Stacey. Anyway, now I vented too. Thanks for your letter to let me know I not any different from other going through this. Blessing to all.
It breaks my heart, and it should, that anyone, any time would be judged so harshly. You are fighting for your lives, the only judgement you should get should be a pat on the back for putting one foot in front of the other. The unfairness of that stigma is hard to get your head around. How can we be so unkind? Please know I care deeply. Humans are human, and as anrean said, we all do the best we can at the time. We work with the tools and information we have. People make the decisions they make for a million reasons, and none of them are any of our business. Our job is to take care of one another without blame or accusations, we all do things we wish we hadn't. No one deserves cancer, ever.
Thank you for coming here to vent. I am just so very sorry you have to vent at all. You have been dealt a hard road, and you should experience nothing but understanding and support. Hugs to all of you.
I was born in 1945 so I too remember the TV shows that made smoking look so glorious. None of us knew what we were signing up for when we started smoking. We looked cool. We didn't know how offensive the smell of smoke in our hair or on our clothes , was for those around us.
Now, I only hope we can somehow educate our grandchildren of the destruction it can lead to.
Rant and rave all you'd like. You are entitled to being angry . Many of us stand along side of you. God bless
I am sorry that you are having a bad time of it right now, it seems to me that everything is starting to get you down, I can relate to some of what you say, because my husband grieved for me and I couldn't stand it. I have the mind set of trying to stay as positive as I can and to live my life to the fullest while I can. This is easy for me to say since I am in NED right now, but I know it will return one day, but in the meantime I can hope and pray that you and many others reach NED soon. I hope you can start feeling better soon and that you can get off the oxygen soon. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Right now I'm doind well, but can relate to some of your issues. I too, began smoking young. I'm 60, and during my day, if you didn't smoke, you weren't cool. I do tell folks to not pity me. Life is about choices and consequences. My Mom died from lung cancer, then I had a heart attack, then my brother diec only 2 days before my diagnosis. None of this motivated me to quit. I had my last cigarette the morning I had my lung surgery. I too, ran outside to smoke on breaks. It didn't matter if it was raining or snowing, or 20degrees. I sincerely wish I had never smoked my first cigarette, and believe it ir not I startef because my Mom told me not to. I felt she was being a hypocrite since she smoked. She knew she felt bad. I sure showed her!!I too hear the negative comments about no pity for me, that I made choices. This is true, however, of course I felt it wouldn't happen to me. My thoughts are with you!
So sorry you are going through such a tough time. Quit beating yourself up. I have stage 4 lung cancer and I never smoked or was around anyone who did! Sure, your smoking may have contributed but quit beating yourself up. Try to live each day you have left doing things you enjoy and don't waste what time you have left. Nobody is promised tomorrow. I hate that lung cancer has such a stigma attached to it but don't let that affect you.
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