On Wednesday after another long haul to the hospital, I arrived home virtually on my knees, in so much pain that I decided to end my life. It was no cry for help, just the need to be out of this pain.
I had told 3 different doctors that I could't cope any longer, but wasn't taken seriously. So I took a massive overdose & waited to die, except that I didn't. An unexpected visitor found me the next day. I was rushed to hospital & spent several hours on the observation ward before being discharged that evening. I was sent home alone in a taxi which charged £60 for a fare that shouldn't be even half that & left to fend for myself. I couldn't even make a cup of tea because I was too shaky & unsafe to do so. 2 days later I'm still feeling dreadful, not least because I can't get any more medication until I see my GP on Thursday, so I have to cope without any pain relief until then.
I know that I shouldn't have done it, I know it was wrong & am certainly not looking for sympathy, but I feel if someone had listened earlier maybe this wouldn't have happened. I now have to pick up the pieces & try & regain some strength & my confidence. But the biggest irony is that yesterday during a phone consultation with a GP ( couldn't get an appointment!) I was informed that my local practice holds monthly fibromyalgia clinics. Would't it have been a good idea to tell me when I was crying in pain?
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cobweb
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sending you a tiny unhurty hug full of fluffy good wishes.
reards,
sandra.
HI cobweb i too took an overdose over a year ago and truly meant to die, I felt so useless and it wasn't planned just a spur of the moment thing but thankfully Paul found me and dragged me to the hospital where i was kept on observation for a few long hours, I took 2489 mg of fluoxitine. I have to admit my care was good and comprehensive, i took the offer of therapy and Paul came with me and it was the best thing we did because although i have fbs he lives with it and we both needed to deal with it. I do count myself lucky to have him by my side. It scares me now to think i may not be here now as happy as i am.
I hope you get the care you need honey and Don't do it again hehe or i'll find you and tan your ass only messing but their are more people that care about you than you'll ever know.
xxxx rachie
Hi Cobweb, I was wondering why we hadn't heard back from you before. Nobody here will judge you for what you did as many of us will have come close to thinking about or doing the same thing during periods of intense stress or pain. You might not expect sympathy but you will get it anyway. I am appalled that you were released from hospital so quickly when you obviously were not really ready. Do they not have emergency on the day appointments at your surgery where you can get some pain relief? If you get desperate again maybe the A&E dept could help you? Please, please ring the Samaritans if you ever feel that bad again. Life can get better for you once you have the right medication. I am learning myself that although my life won't go back to how it was before Fibro and I am always in some kind of pain, there are still new friends to be made and simple pleasures to be enjoyed. There are folks on this site who care about you so do let us know how you are getting on. Jane x
morning Cobweb, hope you are feeling more like meeting the world again what a terrible experienxce for you if you are that low come on line or go to the smaritans do not feel that the only way is to shut all the doors. We would miss you so and as Jane says when the meds are balanced right life can still be enjoyable.
Come on here and chat through how it is going and get your self to Fibro clinic your docs run. gentle caring hugs ((((((((((())))))))))))))))) xgins (sorry about sppelling I cannot feel mt fingers this morn)
Hi Cobweb! I am sure that we all feel desperate at times but we learn to feel strong and deal with things in our own way -- please don't be afraid to speak to someone about how you are feeling -- even if its just to write a blog on here -- we can all sympathise with you -- I hope that you can manage to get to that fibro clinic at your docs and it will help you to improve your quality of life. Let us know how it goes and BE STRONG -- don't let "it" beat you! Remember "we" are all here for you take care xx
Hi cobweb. I cried when I read what you had written. Been there and done that so really feel for you. Wish I had the words to make you feel better. All I can say is hang on in there. Please keep talking and receiving all the wonderful support of these lovely people because it truly helps to know you are not alone. I am so sad that you had to go home alone and it cost you as much as it did. what an absolute nightmare for you. All I can say is that we are all here for you and I genuinly mean that. If you lived close to me I would come and have a coffee with you and let you talk. I am in freckleton near st annes on sea if thats any good to you. Take care hun. will keep you in my thoughts today. All my love Louise. x
So glad you are stil with us but I KNOW exactly how you were treated.. I had a mini breakdown .. Even now I don't remember the evening of the night... I can only remember being in a&e under police guard with clumps of hair missing... I had attacked myself... And tried to cut my wrists but my oh stopped me .. I was seen by a dr there whose English was not the best then a social worker appeared and tried to take me to a refuge for battered wives... When I explained I had done this to myself and my husband had saved me and I said it was the pain from fibro... I was immediately handed over to the police who were told sort out what you want to do with her... All my meds were withheld and I finally got home in the early hours of the morning in a police van in agony. That was 3 years ago... I do get a bit more help pain wise now but that's about it... That's why I am so glad to have found this site
Seems to me you are at rock bottom......bless you, the only way now is up. Hang on in there. Listen to REM 'Everybody Hurts' it will help. Make you cry buckets, but maybe you need that release. Just one second at a time and just keep taking one stop at a time.
good mooring cobweb i red whatever you wrote i get so upset i understand you very well . sometime i have felling like you ,i feel no one can do anything for me there is no cure for my illness,hard to deal with benefit system,housing ,GP............. all of them are too much for us
take care darling and stay with us we understand you.
Hi cobweb I'm new to this site haven't been diagnosed long although been in pain for years I know how you feel but was also wondering if it was the tablets you was on the ones I'm on say there maybe an increased risk of thinking of suicide it's like being on antidepressants some of them have the same affect and Iv been on a few differant ones over the years I really hope you can get the pain relief you need as I know that everyone on this site and others that this is the only thing we all crave for I for one would be greatful for even just one day pain free please stay strong your not alone there are more people out there that care more than you think hugs Hun sending healing thoughts your way xx
im so with u there i become a self harmer over the yearsim learning how to manage and this illness makes it so much harder, stay safe and remember the world is better with u in it, or u wont read my blog wen im down!!!!hugs Tink
I was on a tablet called citalipram several years ago and I wanted to drive into buses...I had been down with postnatal depression after having a baby die in the womb...apparently called a missed abortion and I had fell pregnant a few months later and then felt I was actually having the wrong baby....bit of a weird one however I simply was not coping...thankfully with councelling I got through however my youngest was 6 months old before I actually could look at her and feel love...prior to that I had just been going through the motions of feeding and changing her.
I am now at the point of Dr's wanting to put me on an anti depressant for the fibro and me actually being scared to take it just incase it puts me back in that place...I am a firm believer in talking and feel that just having someone listen to you will help. The Samaritans will not judge you and will be able to help get you in a better place...I saw a church councillor though she was non religious in her work with me and I felt very cared for in the time....every week she would show me what by baby was like development wise and talk me through feeling ect..I was not in physical pain but in mental pain and I am sure that this sort of thing could help you too.
Thankfully I have a great relationship with my child and I love her to bits...the anniversary of my lost baby is approaching and I now look back with a smile and know I wouldn't have my wonderful daughter had I not lost that baby...Sending you a(( hug)) as I know you need it x
Stay strong, not easy I know. Please talk to someone. My sister suffers from severe depression, when she is suicidal she rings the crisis team at our local hospital. They have been fantastic and have arranged a programme of support to help her. Take care x
Oh cobweb im writing this with tears running down my face, I am so desperately sorry that you were driven by; pain frustration lack of understanding and support to the point of suicide I trully trully empathise with your situation you must have reached rock bottom in your ongoing struggle with fibro. Thank god for your friend who was sent by god to save you and im so glad they did, as one who has sldo survived a suicide attempt Iknow thst life is full of ups and downs but if we dont ride out the downs we will miss out on the rainbows when the rain finally ends and the sun starts to shine again and it always does no matter how unrealistic it seems when were in the grip of total dispair.
Please ask the gp to review your meds as some of them can actually make depression worse reach out when your feeling hopeless please come on here speak to a friend or ring an organisation like mind or the smaritans both of these organisations exist to support people who feel like theyve reached the end of their tether and you will be assured of a warm and caring response. Some organisations also have a befriender scheme Where you are matched with a volunteer who meets you for social occassions like going to the pictures out for a coffee etc. could you perhaps join a local support or womans group this might also give you opportunities to get out and socialise thus reducing the feeling of isolation
Please promise me you will look after urself and if you need a chat com on here afterall we fibromites need to stick together
sorry to hear you felt so helpless and didn't feel you had anything to go on for. just hope you get the help you need. just a thought is their an organisation near you called MIND i think it is a charity that deals with mental health they have a good reputation not sure if their is. or maybe ring your local samaritans. I understand how isolating this illness can be. Hope you start to get the help you need from. take care lesley x
Poem - Hold On
If to-morrow you cannot face-
because your mind and heart does race-
with thoughts of going to a better place -
Try to catch a thought that`s bight -
one to last `til morning light -
Catch it, squeeze it, hold it tight -
while darkest storms do roar and, bite.
When all seems lost, and tears stream,
when nothing of this life feels real -
except the room where dreams were broken
and love seems to have forsaken everything
which was you - wonderful you.
Hold on
Hold on as if a child so dear, looked to you to make things clear,
when all about the rivers rage -
a new day `will` dawn -
another page to write upon.
Hold on
No last goodbye, no weeping song,
no paper to be write upon - no sweet fresh air, no bird in tree,
Oh Cobweb, God love you!! This fibro is a right little shit isn't it?? I haven't got as low as you...yet! But some days I do feel I could give up and I just think of my family and what it would do to them. It's probably only my daughter and my new grandson that keep me going. My husband died 6 years ago and my fibro has got markedly worse since then....along with other things so I do feel I'm isolated a lot of the time. Please don't let the ba$%^&ds get you down lovey!!!
I just read this and felt I had to reply. I have been where you are I took 5 overdoses one of those I was put onto life support after the first I was sent home visited by a so called team of psychiatric people well 2 they asked me if I was hearing voices I said no they asked me if the tv was talking to me I said no they then left. Several attempts later I saw a psychiatrist who thought I had a borderline personality disorder but after meeting me several times he said he didn't think it was the case and that it was my coping mechanisms. I hurt my children and family a lot as they do not understand why I would do this and some people see it as a cowards way out but I don't! I just couldn't take anymore and this year has been another one of those years that has really tested me from every angle and every time I have considered ending it but then I think of my family and it is the only thing that stops me. I have had fybromyalgia for over 25 years half of my life, please don't let it rule you or destroy you. I spent a month in a psychiatric hospital doing cognitive behaviour therapy can't say it helped a lot. But I listened to songs one which I have always said I want at my funeral is REM "everybody hurts" I saw someone else had put that on here. Also a song by josh groban called "don't give up, you are loved" if you get the chance listen to the words of that and you tube the video if its still on there. I now do cross stitch even though my hands are painful I do big designs by Mirabilia and am in a group on Facebook and this has got me through the year it sounds crazy but if I am concentrating on that I can't have the thoughts going throug my head. Also I read a book called The secret by Rhonda someone can't remember the name now but it was about thinking positive and it did help me. Have you also considered the course which is free for patients dealing with pain I can't think what they are called now something like PPP someone on here may know what I am talking about but it's for people like us who live in pain constantly and it helps you work out ways of dealing with it. I think everyone on here knows what you are going through I haven't slept all week as I am stressing about moving from a house into a ground floor flat I am worrying that there will be too much noise from above or next door. I haven't slept all week but I will get there and I will make it. I know it's just my brain putting these thoughts there and it's something I have to deal with. All I can say is take one day at a time and be gentle with yourself and please please don't attempt suicide again if you want my phone number or email address to talk privately I would gladly give it to you. You can get through this. Gentle hugs to you
It was very sad to read your message, and as many before me have commented we've all felt that close at some point with this cruel illness. But do you know what, life is too precious, you are too precious and you are too precious to many people close to you. Maybe they don't say anything, because they've never felt the need to before, But somehow, I feel sure, that if they knew that you had gone to such lengths, guilt would be their first emotion,because they would be asking why you didn't lean on them for support.
Now is your time, to let them know how you really feel, and how you may appear to be coping but in actual fact you're not. |f you feel that there is no one there for you, just remember they is all of US. We all use this group as a place to share our frustration, smiles, anger, tears, joy, and the positive & negative things that happen to us, because we know that someone out there, is listening. So, if ever you feel that you are heading that way again, just remember we all understand your pain, and what it can do, so don't ever feel alone again.
I hope that you now get the medical attention and support, from the people you feel have let you down. Make the most of the fibro support group, it may in turn lead on to making new friends or other groups that may help. Perhaps in the near future, you can look back on this period of your life, and realise that although you thought you were at you very end, tomorrow is another day. Another day, which can bring more hope, more laughter and so much more, that you might have missed!
But more importantly recognise that you are made of much stronger stuff, it is always so easy to further punish ourselves and for what? So don't be too hard on yourself, but instead be good to yourself and remember how much you mean to so many people, and that at least should bring a smile!
Afterall, here I am, someone that you don't know, and yet your message has touched me. This is something someone once said to me, I can't credit it, because I don't where it came from, but here goes!
my heart goes out to you. I Have felt much the same of late my i don't have the mental strength tondi t. I guess scared of the consequences .
it makes me shiver to think you were just sent packing, and expected to pay for the taxi bill too and left on your own that is just so wrong. I'm lost for the right words as I'm so dosed up I can't think straight, but I am horrifies at what they did to you and the surgery too.
as much as my GP is understanding I don't think he is clued up on Fibro and I never have the strength to challenge anything.
I have booked myself to see a psychiatrist now, so see if they can help. I told myself its pointless worry about any stigma attached, I need someone to help stop me feeling I don't want to lve. like us all we have good and bad days, but it's really upsetting my OH saying i didn't want ti've any more.
hang in there, we're all behind you supporting you too.
hi pet, i tried to end my lfe to,but believe me hunny dying aint easy!! you didnt die pet because you wernt ment to go at that time,GOD took one look and sent you home...you have to make people listen hun,i have a brilliant counciler [sorry cant spell that!] lol and i hate to say it but sometimes there is something much bigger than pain that makes us want to end our lives,in my case i know it was,so be open and honest with yourself ...take a deep breath and seek help,,and tell all!! we sometimes dont realise what is making us deppressed till we start to talk,...and remember with GOD and all of us on here ..you are not alone.xxxx
ohhh what can i say but you must try find the strength even if coming on here and talking helps you get through!
I had a bad patch 16years ago and am still here and so so glad that it never happend despite the day to day feeling rough and never knowing whats next and feeling like a voodoo doll and everyone looks at you as if its all ok !
You have to be laid up in my house sick as a dog to show how you feel (although my hubby is great all the time)
not having some one to come home to is difficult but you have us to come home to you ahve a laptop or computer you have communication, so let out what you like but please do not try it again!!
My sisters best friends brother was on life support not so long back as he had a split with his b/f and it hit him hard he could not cope!he is only young 20's but these days i have to say the support is not like it used to be! they do not hold you now they let you go freely more or less if you going to do it your going to do it..
he was out and back at work straight away! his dad was just going away on holiday and would not cancel flight..it is a strange world at times and some of us feel it is very hard to keep going .
it is only us that can find that strength to carry on.
ohh and TAxis blimey did you phone the company up because i would of !! and ask from and to the price and not mention straight away what you paid do it as as a asking for a quote.
i love the advert with the song we got a hard hard road to follow and long long way to go its such a lovely song and gave me tears when i 1st listened to it but now i sing a long with it and smile.. it is a bit of a rocky rough road but think of us as 4x4 (the car i have) we will try and challenge and beat it and then have the nack .
sorry if my posting is no sense why i think like this i dont know ..i change subject all the time and forget what was talking about .... Bles you so much and soft virtual laptop hugs as i put my fingers around it to send to you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx caroline
Cobweb.Your story I can relate to,I too did the same thing but I just wanted to get rid of my pain.I didn't know at the time I had Fibromyalgia I just knew I had alot of pain & didn't know why.I was taken into hospital by ambulances ,had a stomach washout and saw a swink not that I can remember any of this!
The next day I got no attention from the medical or nursing staff,so I got my clothes,went into the bathroom ,got dressed and walked out,this was at 2.45pm.My husband visited me on his way home from work @ 4pm but I wasn't there and the staff didn't know where I was......I went to a atm ,got some money,than got a taxi and went to pick up my daughter up from secondary school at 3pm and went home and that is where my husband found me........
I can't think of anything more to add that is helpful here - many others have said it all before... but I wanted to say how sorry I am you've been feeling so low and that I'm sending lots of healing thought for you to find your way back towards better and brighter days.
Be gentle with yourself and feel the love coming your way through your friends on here. xx
Oh chick I am so sorry to hear that your suffering, I can identify with your pain and suffering. It is unfortunate that Doctors don't recognize fibro that much as it's a condition that has no real test for, hence some think it's all in the mind. If I were you I would write this all down in a letter and send it to the head of department at the hospital that treated you, this was despicable indeed and you should have had more support.
If you ever feel at so a low ebb in future you can chat to your fibro buddies on here for advice or just to talk, ending your life is such a horrid thing to do, but I feel your pain. xx
Ohh Cobweb, I'm pleased you survived. We are here for you - Fibro is a wretched condition and the pain is just too much. Hang on in there until you see your GP, talk to the Samaritans as they are just wonderful at giving you the tools to fight back.
You have been through a lot, you've been too strong for too long and your body and mind are reacting to it. Like many I've had a nervous breakdown, and the weird thing is I don't regret it for a second; I learned more about me and became a better and more level headed person as a result.
Just hang on in there, do you have a faith to help you? Someone wanted you saved the other day - it's just not your time to go. Well I've prayed to Jesus for you in any case.
What can I say? I can't believe how many of you have taken the time to write such lovely supportive words. It means such a lot to know that there are so many people on my side. I suffered with deep depression for many years but thought that I had it licked, but constant physical pain ate away at my will to live. The strangest part is that I'm actually happier in my life than I have been for years & being single is a lot better than with an uncaring partner.
There has been one unexpected outcome to all this - my Brother & his family have said that they would like me to move back to Exeter to be near them, so maybe I will stop being so stubborn & accept their suggestion. My sons are scattered around the country so I rarely see them, but now that I am single again there is nothing to stop me returning to my roots.
Anyway thanks a million for your support & don't worry I refuse to give in to this damned illness. I obviously wasn't meant to die, so I'll just have to make a better job of living!!!
Back in 93 I attempted suicide.I was in an abusive marriage that had got worse after I found my wife in bed with the husband of our best friends at 8am morning.I had gone back home because I had forgotton something, and seeing the car on my drive I went straight upstairs and there they were.I tried to keep the marriage going but she couldn't cope with being caught ang got evenmore abusive til several years later I could not get rid of this idea of ending it all. As a pharmacist I knew just what to takeand when I was at home on my own one day, not expecting her to come home till lunch time I took all the tablets and lay on the bed , shut my eyes and said "Lord, my life is in your hands".She came homeonly half hour later and I was rushed to hospital and took 3 days to come round.I was sent then to a psychiatric unit and stayed there for a couple of weeksduring which time I and my wife were interviewd ( separately). I was given no medication. Before I was discharged I was told by the psychiatrist and a counsellor not to go back to her.I went to live with my youngest son for about 6 weeks and went straight back to work. I bought a house for myself, my old house was sold and my wife bought one for herself in the same time but found another fellow and moved away. After 3 years I started going out with a lady and 2 years later we got married, and still are 15 years later. She came from a marriage to a wife-beating alcoholic so we had a lot in common and a lot of respect for each other.
The whole point of this story is to say that life can get better. It may have seemed like a fluke that I am still here but somehow I think it was meant to be.
So Cobweb take heart, I am sure things will slowly sort themselves out and get better , have faith.
PS My wife has a theory that my fibro comes in some way from my suicide attempt, although all the medics I have spoken to disagree.
Tomorrow's a new day, treat yourself, you are worth it, sounds like you have a lovely, caring brother who would love you to be nearer, it could be a new start for you. I understand completely how you feel, especially when you don't get the care you deserve, it's no fair but you have had the courage to share your feelings and that's so positive, I think we all feel fibro causes isolation but at least we can have a good moan and feel like we are valued on here. stay strong and hope you get to move closer to your family, love justine x
Icwill start by saying i have not read through the comments and so if i am repeating someone else i am sorry.
You have my most sincere empathy. many of us have felt that life cannot go on..
Secondly. YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN DISCHARGED IN THAT STATE.
Did you see the crisis care team from the hospitals mental health team? a referal is stansard practise after one makes an atrempt on their own life. failure to refer is massive mal practise. you can however self refer and a phone number can be obtained from your local primary care trust website. these people are DUTY BOUND to listen, however it is likely you would have to be admitted to be watched.
Third. Following an overdose obtaining adaquate pain relief my be difficult, a good GP will likely only supply pain killers a week at a time. HOWEVER while with the GP you can request a referral to the pain management team to review your care package and medication. there you will be able to discuss a new prescription such as medcation specifically focusing on managing neuropathic pain and possibly pain patches. you msy also ask to see the clinical psychologist where you can talk about the emotional effects of chronic pain and look at coping mechanism.
Fourth. be kind and gentle to yourself. avoid alcohol as this will mske you feel worse and could be very dangerous depending on what and how much you took.
i hav efibro and arthritis and raynauds disease and also now what i beieve is an ovarian cyst and dercums disease as my symptons have worsened over the last year-14 mths.,my doctor has not always listened to me and now does not listen at all.i am at my wits end as no one is listeneing to me and i am sure if i didnt have my dogs to get up for and care for i would have no reason to get up/go on.
Dear Fybro friend, I have almost been there, and would have been there if not for my own personal faith and beliefs which remind me that suicide is no answer. That aside, the fact you now have a fybro clinic to go to is obviously what you were meant to find. I too have waited around 7 years to be elligible for a local pain clinic and stumbled by them over an NHS funding cock up. I am going soon after all these years of asking and being told NO. I like you have been left to fend for myself on occasion and stewed in my own s**t for some 5 hours once after collapse awaiting an ambulance. The system stinks! ps the taxi.... ditto! BUT I am thinking the fybro group is a great find, and I do hope that meeting others like ourselves may help you, as it would me.
Today I haave one hand that works and am manically typing away pushing the laptop keys with all the love I can find to send to you!
We are all here for each other, and I hope you have just found a real time version of this site.
I hope that you have found your strength again, cobweb - you're too good to be swallowed up by this horrible illness. Take your time, seek the help you need, and definitely consider your brother's proposal of moving closer to him. If you have no ties where you are, it may well be the new start that you need.
As a former self-harmer, I can kind of see how you got to that point, even though the way I used to act upon the feelings was different. Like you, though, it was never a cry for help - in my case, it was the need to take control of something, as everything that was happening to me at the time was so intense and unescapable, that I felt I was drowning. It's hard not to go back there, and you will find that there may be days where you are so tempted to do it again, but please try not to, for your own sake, and that of your loved ones.
Hello Cobweb - I have had a very similar experience to you. When I tried to commit suicide a friend came over because she 'felt' something was wrong. This friend is a christian and I truly believe God sent her as it was unusual for her to visit so clearly it was not my time.
I truly empathize how you feel. The hospital I went to discharged me at 11:30 pm with no money for a phone call, barefoot and in my pajamas! What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I have very little family support as well. I hope that from this awful experience you find some peace
People with chronic pain have a human right to pain relief and not helping you is in Mal practice. Google 'human right to pain relief' and you will be surprised at what you will find. Take that with you to the Doctors. I even thought about getting a lawyer to help me. LOL. Take care - Remember you ARE loved.
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take care xx
So suicidal!!
attempting to apply for DLA any tips :)
World Suicide Prevention Day
Another Foggy Felting attempt !!
