Fertility, Miscarriage & IVF Support by MamaBe
1,180 members608 posts

Desperate

For over a year now I've been so Down, desperate to have a baby but so hard as I'm in a same sex relationship :( currently saving up to buy our own house close to making some offers but still no closer to having a baby. My partner is adamant it's going to be too hard & expensive for me to get pregnant she isn't as desperate as I am. Its all I ever think about day in day out & it's never going to bloody happen. Really upsetting :,(

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Why does she think it’ll be hard? Have you been diagnosed with any kind of fertility problem? Also can I ask your age? With a healthy egg and sperm there’s every chance it would work in the first 3 attempts. At our hospital you can pay £10000 for 3 rounds with a half your money back guarantee if all 3 attempts fail. And other deals like 2 attempts for £7k etc. Donor sperm is £1000 for as many uses as you need.

All I’d say though is if your partner really isn’t into it then are you in the right relationship? IVF is exciting but it can also be so disappointing at times, you’ll need each other. Does she know how important this is to you?

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She loves kids and is great with them she knows what it means to me but one thing puts her off she thinks because it would have to be me physically giving birth due to her medical issues she is scared it won't be like her baby and just be mine as it's wouldn't have shared DNA with her. I've tried explaining that means nothing our baby will be ours not mine but she gets upset that she cannot carry a child. Xx

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I suggest you explain to her that you both can plan for a second child with her being the biological mum. There is advanced clinical assistance to help the worst of infertility problems and even in older women at 40s. So you can have the baby 1 now and wait to save enough for her pregnancy program. And isn't it better to have a child who could relate to one of you (as per her perspective on non-biological mum) than being estranged from both in terms of a biological link if you choose to adopt?

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My female neighbours are in a same sex relationship and have had two children in the time I’ve been trying for one (I’m in a straight relationship). I think they actually have a better chance than me as they have a choice of two people’s eggs and two people’s wombs, should they wish to, and sperm donor sperm is all screened. My husband has a chromosome translocation so we need ivf as much as a same sex couple and 50% of his sperm is unviable. So yes, it might be expensive but no more expensive than for other couples. I guess you have to decide whether you want a house sooner than you want a child. And if she really doesn’t want a child but you do then I guess you have to consider whether this is the right relationship for the rest of your life. I know that’s blunt but it is a crucial element of life and you don’t have forever to debate it.

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She does want kids she just gets upset that due to medical conditions she couldn't carry a child so she feels the baby would be more mine then hers which I have explained is ridiculous. Xx

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Sooo is there a possibility that you could collect her eggs but transfer to you? That way you are both involved.

If not then maybe councilling or talking to people like ‘the donor network UK’ or other lesbian couples who’ve been through this. When it comes to raising kids, DNA matters not only love matters x

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That’s what I was going to suggest, use her eggs and your womb?

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I think that's a splendid suggestion - in a way you both can participate in the process. If she is so concerned about the biological link - let her have that. You can get bear the child and enjoy gestation as you wish to. Try talking to your partner about it - hopefully, this will work out well. Yes, can't deny that the procedures may get expensive if you have to get any clinical assistance to boost your fertility but otherwise it should be just affordable. About the donor, you can find an individual one and not go to sperm bank or clinic's own listed donors. Time is a factor though... if you intend to have baby better not delay it for long for that will increase the chances of complication and need for fertility assistance. Wish you get what you're looking for, good luck!

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Hey there, I can understand your longing for a baby and devastations about not having any in spite of the efforts. Every woman has the right to choose if and when they want to be a mum and if you want it just go for it. Getting pregnant is sometimes hard and expensive too - but we give the best shot for things we want, isn't it? Also, did you try getting pregnant this far? If yes and hoping that failed - what are the issues mentioned by your Dr or the clinic for the failure? Maybe I can suggest a thing or two if I knew your problem. Feel free to write back. :) XOXO

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