I dont come on here much anymore if at all. Coming to terms with never having that bundle of joy we all much deserve and long for 6 goes 1 bfp and lost him.
I have learnt that people are happy or unhappy when they see bfp, sad when bfn but if we all want to be honest with ourselves it starts with ' awww lucky her wish it was me' then a guilty feeling pops up as you really want to be happy for that 'other' lady that got her bfp 1st time or 100th time yet your heart breaks because it isnt you.
You go through yet another feeling of failure and resentment that you can't do whats normal to others or your body is broken maybe your being punished. Then another emoitional change you start to consider life without a baby but then of course you want a baby but ask yourself will we be okay if it doesnt work.
Then it changes again you realise this has changed you somehow. Changed your relationship as it becomes meds, appointments, times, dates and all that stuff nothing is normal YOUR no longer normal.
You hate watching tv adverts with cute babies, walking down the baby isle, avoid friends and family with babies, avoid that converstion about labour and bresatfeeding. Hide away when your work colleague brings in her new bundle.... heart breaks some more and more and more until one day you wake up and relaise that before this you were different, happier, found stuff meaningful, simplistic and reasonable. You used to have fun, great sex life, you could say content before baby talk....
What am trying to say is for some we may never have that dream, for others dont let it consume your life and take away what you were already content with.
Atm i never realised i was depressed until i woke uo and said this isnt me i am not who i was and i need to find out who i am now it has changed every part of me and i didnt even realise it.
Tomorrow is my new day and good things come to those that wait and even if it never happens there are those that are so much worse off and those of us that are special and destined to help other kids already here but need us in their lives.
Perhaps it could be fostering or adoption who knows we all have our individual paths mines seems to be lucky enough to be a mummy to an angel...
It does change you, and I believe that it takes away a little piece of your soul every time. When your journeys are long and painful, like ours, and you take knock back after knock back you feel further and further away from ever becoming a mother. Its the one thing that pricks the tears that are never far away, it's a pain and emptiness that cuts so deep. But somehow we find a way, we are strong and we build resolve and take solace in helping others on their journey. I believe that it's made me a more thoughtful, reflective and grateful person although inside I still carry the grief. Life without a child is something very hard to get my head round and I'm not done yet. Your post is lovely and so true and reflective of our journeys. You are never alone 😘 xxx
Beautifully written., maybe yours will be writing a book about your journey.., something I would love to do but I am definitely not as articulate as you xx
I think being a mummy to an angel changes u massively, we are not the people we were, our normal is now very different and it will be for the rest of our lives but it doesn't mean we can't find a new happiness and new us..
You are a mummy already and u will be again of that I am sure..!keep fighting Hun! I know it's exhausting because u have been fighting for so long and now u r fighting on top of a deep sadness which is even harder.. I am sending u all the strength I have and I pray your journey becomes easier for you soon xx
You have showed amazing strength already so don't give up my lovely you can and will do this! Xxx
I've only just seen this post for some reason Tamtam1 and what a beautiful post it is. You're right it definitely changes you but you're amazing for looking at the positives after what you've been through. You're also right about trying not to let it consume you, it's so easy for that to happen and I've been finding I'm looking at myself and wondering where the fun, positive me went and wanting her back. We're so much more than what our bodies can or can't do and there is definitely worse off.
Wishing you all the best for whatever path your life takes from here xxx
I know this is an old post, but I'm searching for some comfort today, and this is so beautiful, and so true, thank you for sharing your feelings so eloquently....it brought a tear to my eye....I too feel I have changed and lost a big part of me, and I am only at the very beginning of this journey. Sadly AF arrived this morning on day 10 of my 1st IVF 2ww....I had been feeling so hopeful and so positive....but now my heart is broken, and I have cried all my tears....this journey is so soul destroying isn't it, and I wish all you wonderful, strong and beautiful ladies love and strength, as I wish for myself....just gotta keep smiling and say positive I guess xx
Oh wow, amazing lady, you have to go for it, one last try and it could be just the one your little one has been waiting for to meet you....I have so much love, strength and positivity coming your way....xx
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