Donor Egg thoughts

Today we went for our first appointment to discuss donor egg conception.

What a whirlwind. Here's me thinking the most difficult decision I would have to overcome would be choosing to cut a genetic tie; panicking if I would love a child which didn't come from my egg. Now I'm faced with more challenges.

We were informed that we could go abroad, to Cyprus. Quicker, higher success rate... the doctor really sold it to us as an option - an option we'd never considered.

Now I'm stuck... stuck deciding between a two year wait in this country or going abroad... being treated abroad, being in another country, cutting the potential ties my child might want to one day explore (since it's anonymous) and now... our genetic family tree begins a new chapter with an overseas gene.

As I right this I feel crazy. Did anyone else have to overcome these fears and concerns? Did anyone feel guilty for being offered an opportunity and questioning it ethically or for struggling to comprehend?

Did anyone go abroad?

Ta! x

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  • Hi! Lots for you to think about! We went to Greece recently for our donor egg IVF and happily it worked and I'm now 9 weeks. The whole experience was brilliant and a big part of our choice was trusting the clinic and staff as it was them who really made the difference.

    I know what you mean about introducing genetics that are not traceable and from a different country - what might that mean if you child wants to know more later. I guess the way we see it right now is that unlike adoption, a donor egg child is still partly genetically you as you pass on 20% off your genetics as the baby grows in your womb and if it's your partner's sperm then that would account for another 40% of the baby's genetics., those facts plus the fact you grow the baby and give birth, the egg donor's genetics are more 'diluted'. I know they are there and are obviously an essential part of the process but it makes me worry less about it.

    It quite excites me to think that my little one might have character traits or talents that are unknown to me in advance,; makes the adventure even more exciting.

    we intend to be open from an early age with our child, so it's hopefully it's a normal thing for him or her to know about and not a big deal. In the future we would like to go back with him or her to the town where the egg donor came from and talk about when we all went there together to become a bigger family (we have a 4 year old daughter) and explore that side of things together, providing they want to of course.

    It's hard to plan though because this is all how we see it from our view point and how we think/hope our child will see things.

    Donor match wise and thinking about the child feeling unconsciously comfortable that he/she 'fits', the match could not have been better. The donor was matched to my present physical characteristics, blood type and even interests. They also took my husbsnd and daughter's appearance into account (he had a different hair colour as a child and my daughter is following in his footsteps - the donor had the same hair colour as them as a child but now is the same as me). So that part I feel confident with, although time will tell!

    It might help to google some information about donor egg children. I found a site that talks about their reactions, suggests books to use from a young age to explain things and gives parents support. I'll look for the link and send it on.

    Anyway, sorry for the essay! Hope that helps a bit. Good luck with your decision! Always happy to talk if you want to xx

  • Found the websites, I'll PM you x

  • Thank you! I'll take a look!

  • Wot im saying is my eggs are here for who is in need im a shorty but pretty long thick brown hair green eyes a good colour to skin no health issues tuff an amazing healing skin for a woman to have had four csections I have only gpt three visable tuny scares

  • Hello I've had DE egg IVF in north Cyprus and found the experience very easy. As for the donor egg as already said a bit of your DNA goes to the child and it's you blood that makes it. I had an adopted brother so that might make it easier for me? But please don't worry about going abroad. We chose our donor out of 3 ladies she was English 23 years old and studying economy at uni out there. They have a lot of British donors and they match you to her looks. If you want anymore info PM me I can give you the email of a lovely lady at the clinic there's no pressure but you can ask her anything. No money is exchanged until you get there the ball doesn't start rolling until you send your flight details. Treatment out there is also much cheaper ยฃ4500 for DE. We are going again in February having been on the NHS DE waiting list for over a year! X

  • Hello BlondyBoo, could you PM me the details of your clinic in Cyprus? I think I've a lot still to explore! Thanks for your help. x

  • Hello! You know, reading your post reminds me of my own inner fight years ago when my first OE IVF tx failed because of poor quality of my oe (I was 46). It's really hard to understand if you didn't face the issue. It's the most difficult decision actually for every woman but I think it's our fate makes us prove that we are strong, that we deserve to be mothers. When it comes to a decision, in my case, it was obviously the only way to bear a child, so I could have been thinking and hesitating for years but it should be made so.

    I had my treatment in the Czech Rep because I was too old for most of the countries and unfortunately I failed. I can't say that tx there was gorgeous, not at all, cause many things depended on who was helping me you know, when manager was in a bad mood it was unbearable, i felt even more miserable than I was, as she was so rude to me...don't want to recall it.

    Then I had to change a clinic because of age limits there and traveled to Ukraine. Yeah, I know, it sounds weird and maybe it's not inspiring BUT the fact is that I underwent their ivf tx with DE and it worked! I was afraid to go abroad especially to Ukraine but every day I appreciate I was advised to try it. I was treated better then before. you know, i was met at the airport, a clinic provided accommodation and meals, I could even chose a donor before signing a contract. I felt like I was not a patient but a tourist. my hubby and I, we didn't worry about anything just treatment. All medicines were also included in a cost of a package and I get them during the first clinic. There were of course unpleasant moments like lines, bad wheather but it's nothing I think.

    I'd like to wish you luck with your journey, don't be afraid of anything honey! x

  • There's so much to take in. Thank you for sharing. I may well DM you to ask a lot more! Which was your clinic in Ukraine? Did you pay for all airfares/accommodation/food on top? x

  • Feel free to ask whatever you want to know. It was BioTexCom clinic and the provided us with accomodation, driver, food, interpreter before we even signed a contract, so it's totally free. The only things we needed to buy were airtickets. After you sign for them you still have the same options and if you don't like something, you may find whatever suits you more but at your own expenses.

  • We used DE for round 3 of ICSI as part of an egg sharing scheme at a private clinic in the UK (all our treatment was self funded). I looked at the Donor Conception website and that really helped with my concerns about bonding with any resultant children. Despite being told there was a 40% success rate we got another BFN. We only got 3 mature eggs out of our 6 from the donor, I was really disappointed with that small number. It was also hard not knowing how things were progressing as they weren't allowed to share information except to say it was looking good. Once they had been fertilised I started to see the embryos as ours.

    When it came to preferences for hair/eye/skin tone we considered wider family characteristics as well as our own. The pen portrait of the lady was so similar to what I might have written so that swung it for me. Obviously in the UK it would be possible for a child to trace the donor when the are older if they wanted to. We had an implications counselling session at our clinic prior to being accepted to check we would tell the child from the beginning about their conception but we'd already made that decision before we went. You would make it clear that the donor was anonymous from an early age.

    It was a hard decision to make to use DE, I felt my body had failed us again and I needed a few months to think about it so don't feel rushed into it.

    Good luck!

  • I've come to terms with using a donor egg. But I think it's all the new wave of information and options and time constraints that has just hit me hard... thanks for your help x

  • Hello emu26

    Don't panic, everything you're thinking and feeling is normal. It's a very big decision.

    I was freaking out about asthetics! I felt so guilty about worrying about having an ugly child!! I know his sound awful but I really stressed me out!! All sorts of crazy shit goes through yoUr head!

    We had 2 failed IUI, 3 x IVF and 1 x FET all failed, so we've decided to go donor egg too. I have spent hours researching reading up on different clinics and weighing up the pros and cons with Uk donor or European being anonymous.

    Another consideration for us is time, I'm 39 and don't want to wait 2 + years to become a mum, the journey has been long and bleak already and we didn't want to prolong it.

    We grappled with the traceable/anonymous decision and landed with anonymous, as for us it's not an issue. I doubt any egg donor really wants up to 6 children appearing on their doorstep in 18 years time, when her intent when providing her eggs was purely selfless. We have decided that we will tell our child from a young age and normalise it so it's a non issue in later life. The Donor Conception Network site is fantastic and really helps you piece this together in your own mind.

    We chose a fabulous clinic in Barcelona, Spain and we were really happy with the match characteristics of our chosen donor. She provided up with 11 eggs, 8 mature, 6 fertilised, 2x10grade and 4x9grade. We had 5 x 5aa and 6aa blastocysts and had a day 6 transfer. We have transferred 2 !! High risk of twins but wanted to go for it! We have 3 in the freezer. I'm now on my 2ww.

    If you go to eggdonationfriends.com you can download brochures of all the clinics in different countries. In each brouchure it then ranks the clinics so you can make more informed decisions about your treatment.

    It's a big decision and one you need to be ready to take, I can't say if it's worked for me but so far all has been great!! I could only dream of results like I've had so for us it was absolutely the right decision. If this doesn't work we will go back and use the frozen ones, they say there is a 96% success rate of 3 rounds of donor egg IVF! The odds are on your side.

    Good luck my lovely and drop me a line if you would like to talk it through

    Xxx

  • Ah, Hannah, thank you sooooooooo much. I've joined DCN. And I'll look at the eggdonationfriends.com site too. I need to get my head around everything and my hospital told me nothing more than the options - no explanation! :-/

    I just don't understand costs or implications and my mind is full of questions! x

  • Hello, we are also having DE IVF and I have felt the same as you about the ethics of it all. After giving it a lot of time and thought, we are going ahead abroad, using a clinic in Warsaw. I have family there and it feels like a nice link to my own background, having felt the loss of my genetics. I'll be honest, this loss can still cause me a lot of upset from time to time, but I don't doubt for a second that I will bond with a baby that I've carried and is my husband's.

    I completely get the ethics of anonymity and ideally I would have preferred my child to have the option of one day meeting the donor. However, after a few months and having done a lot of reading about DE children, my concerns began to fade and the desire to be a mum seemed to overtake them (I feel guilty even typing that). We go for our treatment next month and if we are fortunate enough to be successful, we will raise our little one knowing that they are here thanks to the help of a special lady. We will tell them that they are like her in some ways too, for example, being kind hearted and helping others.

    The link to Poland and Warsaw as a special place for my family has really helped me come to terms with DE IVF and hopefully it will help our child when we take them back there. It's impossible to predict how they will feel about this, though.

    If you choose a place that you genuinely like and would visit again, you could make it a special place for your family and enjoy the culture with your child, helping them explore that little part of who they are.

    I understand this doesn't compensate for not knowing the donor and if it still doesn't feel right, give yourself lots of time and consider another way forward.

    While grief can't be compared, DE IVF is particularly complicated and hard because of our loss. I wish you lots of luck and happiness, whatever you decide. Xx

  • What a beautiful way of linking the place to something you share together and then as a family.

    DE IVF is hard. For everyone involved I think. I'd love to follow your story xx

  • Hello! Dropped in to share my story. We've got the long history and our fertility journey was not the shortest one. We experienced IUI and ICSI rounds home - got nothing but failures and broken hearts. I'm pretty ripe age and have not so much time left. The decision of moving onto egg donation wasn't smooth and fast as well. The idea of using another woman's eggs was weird at the beginning of our new route. And all those conversations about biological relation of the baby were torturing me. Furthermore I faced all that with our so to say family's proven fertility! (All the women in my family were/are fertile except ME!) But talking to more people in the similar position and investigation on the net really helped us much. This way we found eviternity.org specializing on egg donation and surrogacy. Soon we had our free consultation. In a couple of weeks we went to Ukraine, Biotexcom, and signed contract with them.

    Fresh gave us more chance to try simply because you get more eggs. We Biotexcom clinic that fortunately had plenty of women for us to choose from. We selected a donor that is cute, tall, very athletic, had higher scores than me, dog lover like we are and many other things we liked about her. Plus, she is 25 years old!

    In a couple of weeks we signed the papers with abroad clinic and started our treatment. Our 1st shot was BFN, another one ended in early miscarriage. Our round#3 was successful and we got to know our tiny embie made home inside me! :) We're nursing our adorable baby-boy now and have nothing to regret about using the place.

    Wish you good luck with further decisions and treatment! Sending all loads of hugs X

  • Your story made me weep! Thank you for sharing!!!!!!! How old is your little boy?

    Sorry you still went through heartache at egg donor stage. I'm so frightened of it not working xx

  • Hello emu2016! How do you feel honey? well, did you decide anything?

  • Spoke to a lovely lady from Cyprus clinic... just wanted to get Christmas out the way and the new year in before starting to move forward imon chosen routes xx

  • Hi, a few friends of mine have undergone ivf with de at Polish ivf clinic in Gdansk. Ladies got pregnant and gave birth to to a beautiful baby. x

  • It's good to hear positive stories x

  • Hi im a 35 years old mum bit only of 4 as cant have natrually but I am nom sterial but my eggs are still thete strong healthy an the most talented an inteligent healthy beautiful children my daughter is a stuning 4 foot 10 slim blue eyes all 4 of my babys has piercing sky blue eyes my 3 boys are all handsome 1 is a talented professional boxer since 7 yrs old now 18yrs with 2 stunning healthy boys an my othet two boys have mousey hair my youngest is breast feed in 11yrs not a illness or vug or virus just chicken potts best complextion then the others an the bond between me an him is comforting an easily to have a emotional chat an I feel his pain an as much as I smile he knows I wanna cry an my intelligent charming young man is outgoing so outspoken in a good respected way an a charming ladys man but very hygienicly cleaner in a non boy way but amazingly brilliant

  • I would be happy to say that I am so glad to help a donar my strong an stunning healthy boy or girl I have four children maybe two or three more I wanted but no option bit csection on all so I had cut an seal but gp said that my eggs are fine for donar eggs

  • That's lovely to hear! :) thank you for sharing x

  • Hi, how are you feeling right now?

    Was your DE successful? I'm afraid of doing that because I failed 4 cycles of ivf with OE and now we are applying for DE conception?

    Can you enlight me ? How was your treatment? Did you conceive from the firs time? Had you any problems with the donor? How huch did it cost?

    Sorry for tons of questions, I'm not sure in great results.

    Thank you, best wishes for you

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