feeling lost

Hi, i am 34 and have PCOS as well as high natural killer cells.

My first two rounds of IVF failed as the embryos did not implant, on my 3rd round we decided to have 2 embryo's implanted (i was lucky to have 6 that had been viable for freezing) and we got our 1st BFP but sadly miscarried both embryos at 6 weeks, i'd had no pain or bleeding, in fact i had been feeling amazing! but as i got up for one of my many toilet breaks in the middle of the night both of my beautiful embryos went...how do you ever get over having to push that flusher & watch your dreams disappear? I was left heartbroken and confused as to what i had done wrong, i'd eaten well, rested but also carried on with light walks, taken my folic acid and kept my mind positive.

My consultant then recommended we have a biopsy to test for high natural killer cells and so on we went with round 4 as a mock cycle for the biopsy - the results came back that i did have the high natural killer cells but hopefully with the help of intralipid IV infusions this would counteract these cells..and so from here we began round 5 feeling positive and optimistic and full of intralipids, our last 2 embryos were going to succeed and we would finally have our much longed for family!

I had both embryos implanted on the 8th January and on the 19th January i got my BFP...however this time i had started spotting the day before my BFP but was not overly concerned as it was very light and know it can happen and a good sign i was in no pain. come the 21st it developed into a mini period with light cramps and so my GP took bloods for my HCG, on the 22nd i miscarried :( how could this be happening again? my bloods were repeated and decreased dramatically. I have a scan today to confirm the miscarriage and that everything has gone. I have spent the last week bleeding so heavily i wonder how i am still standing, i have no pain still. It is such a cruel world & i don't understand why it had to end in heartbreak and devastation again. I'd done everything i could..accupuncture, intralipids, rest, folic acid, positive and happy mindset and now i don't know where to go from here. I know it is all raw and i am grieving but how do you carry on? The thought of giving up terrifies me but the thought of loosing more......

Life goes on hold yet again and is ruled by hospital appointments and hormones! but i need to be a mum, i need to keep going. I know so many of you ladies are in the same position as me...do you have any similar stories ending in success? How do you all keep going? How do you find 'hope' again?

Much love

H x

4 Replies

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  • Oh hon. I have no advice, I am as lost as everyone else here. I just wanted to say I think you are amazing and must be super woman. Keep your faith as with all the effort you surely must get a bfp that will last 9 months x

  • Thank you. it's so hard to stay strong and positive isn't it :( i hope that you will get your bfp that will last too x

  • Hi! This is so unbearable to read lovely ladies willing to have a tiny struggle that terrible much!! It's so unfair! My story was also not the shortest one. It took us years before we achieved desired state.

    Every story starts like: after several years spent in trying the best to conceive we understood we couldn't do it ourselves. And from that very moment life flies and gives you all possible swings, disappointments, grief, anxiety, confusion - everything which makes you almost dead with everyday thinking.

    I was diagnosed on endometriosis first. Our consultant, a pretty young lady, told us that was not a great trouble as there are so many ways to cope with it. One of the first - surgery. And we did. Then tried to conceive again - failed. Tried rounds of IUI, ICSI in haste the age plays against us. Again cirles of failures..

    After some time we decided to conduct other consultations with other experts as the reason for everything happening couldn't lie only in that dreadful endo diagnosis. In such a way we got the whole situation clarified, form which one thing was for sure - DE being our only option.

    Being disappointed in the process at home, we decided to look on abroad clinics. And stopped on biotexcom. There we applied for the 5 att progarm. This was the 3rd att only when we finally heard that much desired "Congratulations!"

    What else should be said to you, my dear Hannah!? My heart goes for you. I know the pain of a failure pretty well. All the rounds had 2 embryos transferred, the 3rd round one vanished. But still leaving another one for us to be the HOPE!

    I will be praying for you to overcome all this and proceed with your treatment. One day carrying for your baby you'll think of all this like a thing from the past, be sure! XXX

  • Thank you for your reply & kind words. It sounds like you've had a tough time of it too :( so many of us struggling it's so unfair.

    My scan revealed that both embryos had gone and so we're now waiting to see the consultant for a follow up appt next week & then get ready for another harvest. I feel like such a failure & I'm terrified of miscarrying again but I don't want to give up on our dream of having a family of our own.

    I'm lucky that me & my hubby have remained strong as I know it can put a lot of pressure on relationships.

    Did everything work out for you in the end? I hope so x

    It's nice talking to people that understand, my family & friends are great but they don't really understand and all have children.

    We thought of surrogacy but that's not an easy or cheap route to take neither.

    You're right when you say you feel dead inside, I'm trying so hard to find my positivity and hope again. Age is also against us. Not easy at all is it :( xx

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