No children what now?

[ncwn]

Hi there,

I wanted to write this post because I have found many websites about infertility, but none are really geared towards people who just can't have children. I am in my 30s and when I was 31 I had to have a hysterectomy. I searched and searched the web for advise from people who were like me, but websites seemed to be about ways to get pregnant, IFV or surrogacy. I know the topics are similar, but somehow I don't get any comfort reading about IVF because there is no hope for me in that way.

Anyway, due to this, and other reasons I am writing a blog nochildrenwhatnow.wordpress... to try and come to terms with my childlessness. I am also part of a support group on facebook which sometimes helps when I want to vent. I think the hardest part of it all is that people who can have children, underestimate the impact childlessness has on our lives. They are sympathetic to begin with, but then forget, and can be really insensitive at times.

To those who can have IVF good luck! I really wish you well, and hope your dreams of a child will soon happen. For those of us who can't well, we'll be ok once we appreciate our lives for what they are and count the blessings that we do have. I don't suppose it's the end of the world, but it sure feels like it at times.

[Saz_S]

Hi.

I understand what you are saying.

However I do believe that we all share a similar pain. Its the age old thing of those people with children would never be able to understand. They think its something that can be replaced with other things. Its not its an empty hole you will do anything to fill, However people who are infertile however so have the same goal, to complete a family. Even for those who undergo ivf and similar procedures it is not always possible. So we can understand how you feel. I have been found to be infertile for 8 years and every month of all those years i was activley trying to get pregnant. Im still trying and have no children with only a hope it may happen. I have been through operations on tuvbes, drugs and ivf and my body just does not budge. There are many couples/people who go through fertility treatment and are unsuccesful and i think being infertile you must prepare for this as best you can. There cant always be the happy ending you were hoping for. But if we look for happinessbin different places this can help.

The pointI want to make is Im very sorry for your situation and i know they seem like only words when i still hold hope i will be lucky and my treatment will work. But do not feel alone, do not feel like tgere is nothing in life for you. As when my dr abandonned my ivf cycle just a week ago my world crashed around me.. i felt i had nothing left. And it took my grandma to point out that i had plenty to be thankful for.. i have my physical health apart from the obvious, a great husband who was hurting as much as me and a family who are trying to understand and help. Its hard for them too not to say the wrong thing.

If you feel yiu want to ket it out, we here are here to listen guide and support as much as we can.

Saz

[ncwn]

Hi Saz,

Thank you for your reply.

In a way, as much this sounds weird, I am actually grateful that I don't have to go through the emotional rollar coaster of IVF. When I read some of the heartache that you ladies have to go through I really feel for you. It's amazing and beautiful when things turn out well, but for those couples who have there hopes dashed month after month it must be a terrible ordeal.

As much as want children, I am pleased that my situation is secured, and I can move on with my life. I don't need inject myself with hormones all the time and be prodded and poked for the hope of a child. Coming to terms with it is very difficult, but once you get there, things begin to look brighter again. We are still thinking about adoption, but we are still unsure if this is the road we want to go down.

I am really sorry you have come to the end of the road of your IVF journey, but your Grandma is right. We do have lots to be thankful for. Enjoy, your life. Do things you couldn't do if you had kids. Make the most of your time with your husband. But first make sure you give yourself time to grieve for your loss, because it is a grief like any other.

Take care xx

[Katrina13 in reply to ncwn]

I understand this. I have a very small chance of being able to conceive naturally and am now starting IVF. My concern is that IVF will not work and I will go back to the month-after-month of trying and hoping. Part of me actually thinks that if I reach that stage I would prefer to just get permanently sterilised in order to be able to draw a line under it all and move on, and find a different life for myself. Of course I still hope and pray that IVF will be the solution for me and I won't have to make that decision.

[SusanS]

Coping with childlessness is really difficult - our More to Life network is there for anyone who has to accept they may not ever have the family they so much want and the new website will launch hopefully this week. moretolife.co.uk

[Flitany]

I'm so glad that you wrote this! I'm in a different position from you - unexplained infertility, so there is a *chance* with IVF. But it upsets me so much that when I talk to people about what we're going through they always focus on "don't worry, you'll get pregnant with IVF" or "my friend so-and-so tried for four years then had twins" - nobody every tells me about "my friend so-and-so never had kids and loves their life". Accepting childlessness as an option is one nobody mentions and in doing so they just reinforce this horrible message that if you don't have kids you'll never be happy. Yes my husband and I would love to have kids, and perhaps that will happen for us one day, but it's largely a matter of luck and out of our hands. What we'd prefer to focus on is accepting the childless life we have now, and may always have, being happy together, and feeling valued and accepted in our families/communities regardless of as human beings rather than potential parents. I look forward to reading your blog with interest.

[Elb5 in reply to Flitany]

Hi flitany, thanks for your response as it's bringing a lot to mind with me as I hear the same things. We have just been unsuccessful in our first ivf which has been harder than we thought as we knew the low chance. My husband as I are having this conversation about what it means to possibly be childless and what path our lives could take.

[ncwn]

Hi Flitany,

Thank you for replying and leaving a comment on my blog.

I really do think the world thinks that if you don't have kids you'll never be happy. I know having a family is a wonderful thing, but there's something to be said for having a no hassle, do what you want when you want, type of a life too. My life is so chilled out compared to my friends. They are running around like nutters getting their children to parties, clubs and friend's houses. The only stress I have is work, but they have that on top of their children. This is why I am unsure about adoption, because when you have more time to think about having kids, these are the issues that arise. I also think that having children is probably worth the stress. As you can see I go round in circles on this matter lol.

[Saz_S]

I feel the same as both of you at times.

I even catch myself thingking could i cope with kids and its not worth me upsetting myself about. Ive heard all those sayings and myths that people with children tell. For example, 'if you stop trying it'll happen' 'maybe its just not the right time' 'you can have mine if you want' 'think of the holidays you can go on withiut little ones to worry about'

Im sure we all agree that these are insensitive and its not down to malice, but ignorance of our feelings. This is because they have what we ladies have to work so hard for. I do know people who tried for many year on ivf and still had no kids and they could not adopt as it just wasnt for them. Everyone is individual with individual succes rates and thoughts and beliefs. Who is anyone to say one is right and one is wrong. I personally think if i fail to become a mum no matter how much i would want to be happy with what i had, i could never 100% say it was ok that i didnt have kids. I see people all the time that have lots of babies abd neglect them and think lifes unfair. But who am i to say someone does not deserve to have childrem. Being a woman we are designed to reproduce abd give birth, but a simple twist of fate can stop that. Then i fould finding a purpose and being a 'good'wife difficult. What else did i have to offer.. that is a question i ask almost everyday and i think i will continue to do so until i am successful or if i have to admit defeat.

Good luck Flitany and ncwn whatever happens for you both.

[Katrina13 in reply to Saz_S]

I read somewhere that you should never say anything to an infertile person that you would not say to someone who has lost a child. Would they say to someone who's child had died "think of the holidays you can go on now", or "think of all the money you will save" etc.. of course not. People need to understand that they need to apply the same rationale to those of us who may be grieving for the children that were never born.

[BNLB]

I am so glad to read all of these comments its such a shame that we bond over such a sad issue, i have also been told there is a chance i may have a child but it seems very unlikely, the worst bit is that no doctor can tell me why. And i have a double wammy as my husband has 4 children so i hear him being called dad all the time, which kills me in side some days. 

i dont feel emotionally strong enough to do IVF and i also cant afford it either, me and my husband have talked about adoption and i hope this will give me the family I want some day. 

But even with this glimmer of hope i also find the friendly comments like " dont stress and it will happen" and "you've got your whole life to have children it will happen when you least expect it", just make me want to cry and laugh at the same time, it make me wonder how well these people really know me at all. 

For me , i find it harder as i have over 20 nieces and nephews, my friends are all now starting families and i hide away and cry every time someone tells me their great news. 

I dont want to be this way for ever and i also dont want people to feel they cant share their happy times with me. 

im so sorry for all of your pain but im also glad i can finally share my thought qih people who actually understand xxxx

hugs to you all