How long before I chase fertility cli... - Fertility Network UK

Fertility Network UK

51,953 members57,453 posts

How long before I chase fertility clinic?

Ike_2019 profile image
16 Replies

I’m very new to this so would love some advice from ladies who are more experienced at this please.

My story briefly...

I’m 34 with a history of endometriosis, I also think I get ovarian cysts.

Ttc my son naturally in 2019, conceived in just 2 months, he was stillborn at 26+2 weeks. No reason found for his death.

We have been ttc our rainbow for 9 or 10 (lost count!) cycles now, again naturally. No BFPs.

In December I pleaded with the GP for some help, blood tests showed I had low vitamin D and low progesterone. They referred me to the fertility clinic and implied that I should tell the clinic I’ve been ttc longer than we have.

Today I got an acknowledgment letter from the clinic, saying they will let me know when they have an appointment and I’m on a waiting list.

My question is how long do I leave it before ringing them and getting a bit pushy? Part of me feels bad for being pushy during this crisis but I also know you don’t get anywhere by being passive and I don’t want to waste any more time. I just want to be a mum to a child that isn’t dead, and this is really affecting my mental health.

TIA

Written by
Ike_2019 profile image
Ike_2019
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
Read more about...
16 Replies
LizzieBW profile image
LizzieBW

Hi,

I'm so sorry about the loss of your son. It's great you were brave to ask the GP for help & they referred you on for further discussion and investigation.

Wait time will depend on a few factors such as which fertility treatment they recommend and also what your CCG/health board have as their wait list. In Glasgow, prior to Covid usual wait times were 6 -9 months to reach the top of the wait list & start meds. At the moment the current wait time for new fertility referrals is sitting around 40 weeks before they'll even be seen for first consultation so for some women, newly referred they're looking at over a year to wait. Again, this will vary between areas so it's maybe worth calling your local fertility clinic directly once they reopen after the Christmas closure & ask what their current wait times are. At least this gives you a more realistic focus?

If you're able to consider private care it could be about a third/half that time for consultation, investigations and a full first treatment cycle to be carried out, depending on wait lists and the clinic you choose.

I have some close friends who have experienced stillbirths and extremely premature births so although I definitely can't relate to your pain personally I would say they all benefitted from ongoing therapy so if your NHS support has lapsed now and you don't already have mental health support set up do push to get private therapy or emotional support from charities like Sands sands.org.uk/ (I'm sure you already know about them). Could you contact the administrators to ask if they can put you in touch with other couples struggling with secondary infertility after loss? My friend mentioned some couples agree to be available/contacted by others in similar situations and others choose not to so sounds like it's an option.

Good luck whatever you decide xx

Ike_2019 profile image
Ike_2019 in reply to LizzieBW

Thank you so much LizzieBW your reply is super helpful. 40 weeks sounds like an awful long time. I’m in leeds so as you say it will probably vary by area. Perhaps I will leave it a couple of weeks and then call to see if they can even give me a rough idea. It’s the not knowing that I can’t stand, whereas at least if I have a rough time frame then I can focus on reaching that point.

That’s interesting what you’ve said about going private, it’s not something I considered. Tbh I assumed it would be out of our budget too as we are currently in the process of buying a house and it needs renovating. So we don’t really have any spare cash.

I am aware of Sands and was attending the support meetings locally before the pandemic but they’ve now stopped. And tbh everyone there either had sunshine or rainbow children so I don’t have anyone in my position I can really talk to. Perhaps I’ll give the helpline a call.

LuxFleur profile image
LuxFleur

Hi hon, I'm so sorry for your loss. You can call your clinic again but it probably won't change anything. My IVF had to be put off last year due to the lock down, but then I was one of the first ones they scheduled when they reopened because I am over 40. Being under 35, they may not see your situation as medically urgent. Try to have patience. It can be a very long and incredibly grueling process to go through IVF if they end up recommending that. Here's wishing for your rainbow baby as soon as possible xoxoxo

Ike_2019 profile image
Ike_2019 in reply to LuxFleur

Thank you for your reply LuxFleur and I’m sorry about your treatment being postponed, that must have been devastating. I know I’m under 35 but I am 35 this year so I thought given the fact my baby died and my age being borderline they might consider me a priority just out of compassion. But I guess it doesn’t work that way and if anything they might be cruel and see me as lower down the list due to the fact I’ve conceived before and sustained a pregnancy until almost the 3rd trimester 🤷‍♀️

LuxFleur profile image
LuxFleur in reply to Ike_2019

It's a tough call. I imagine that they have their guidelines for it—here's hoping they get to you really soon!

Lovemylion profile image
Lovemylion

Hi

I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through. I haven't been through this myself but a friend has been through this and suffered from secondary infertility after her son was stillborn at 32weeks. It took her a couple of years to get pregnant again, this was naturally. She got pregnant just before starting IVF treatment....anything can happen.

I don't think there is any harm in calling the clinic to find out where you are on a waiting list or what waiting times might be realistically, given the current climate. You won't be the only one for sure. Like you said it is affecting your mental health so knowing where you stand will help you to make a plan. Even if it is just a rough estimate. Is private an option for you if NHS is a long waiting list?

Even though we all have different journeys, everyone on here understands the pain and frustration of waiting. So I'd definitely say give them a call.

Wishing you all the best Xxxx

Ike_2019 profile image
Ike_2019

I’m so sorry to hear about your friend, is she on this forum by any chance? I’m yet to meet someone in the exact same position as me (or have been in my position) ie infertility after stillbirth and no living children. Childlessness scares the shit out of me and there’s the added challenge of having birthed a baby and feeling those post partum hormones, milk coming in etc but with no baby to hold and nurse. Nature is so cruel. But if I can find other stories of hope I think it might improve my mental state as I am really suffering now.

I haven’t considered going private simply because I don’t know enough about it but also I assume it’s very expensive and we don’t have much spare cash atm due to buying a house.

Thanks for giving me the confidence to call the clinic. I almost don’t want to call them because I’ll be devastated if they say I have to wait until next year or something. But it’s the not knowing that I think is the hardest and not having an end goal. Thanks again for your advice, you are most kind x

Lovemylion profile image
Lovemylion in reply to Ike_2019

I'm afraid she isn't on this forum.....not that I'm aware. She's someone I've known since primary school. She did have her rainbow baby but it did take nearly 3 years. There is hope! Everyone is different and you WILL become a mum....whether it's through fertility treatment or naturally. I truly believe it. Its completely normal to be scared.....we all are/have been.

Nature is terribly cruel....I'm so sorry you've been through this ordeal. Unfortunately there are plenty of people on this forum that have had late losses....maybe not through a natural pregnancy....but the loss of a baby is still a loss no matter how it happened.

I would call the clinic tomorrow, find out what the waiting lists are like and go from there. If there too long for you.....you could research going private and see if you could factor it in to your finances somehow. It is expensive but when my partner said he thinks it too expensive.....I say you wouldnt think twice about spending £10 grand on a car as it's a necessity. To me having a family is a necessity and trying isn't a waste of money whatever the outcome. Look up "Access Fertility" (multi-cycle and refund packages if u don't end up with a baby), and "ABC IVF" (one of the cheapest ivfs out there per round) ....different options for different prices.

Wishing you all the best

Xxx

PurplePiggie profile image
PurplePiggie

Hi, so sorry for your loss, cannot imagine how hard that must be xx my advice would be to definitely speak to the clinic to get a better idea of how long the wait will be, it is always better to know these things rather than second guessing. I think sometimes I haven't been pushy enough and although the situation is different now with covid I don't think it's at all unreasonable for you to want to know where you stand. In my experience the fertility journey in general involves a lot of waiting but I found it more difficult when I didn't know how long we'd be waiting then I did when I had a date in mind to work with! Sending you lots of love and luck 😘 xx

Ike_2019 profile image
Ike_2019 in reply to PurplePiggie

Thank you 😊 I definitely think, given the responses here, that I will give the clinic a call

PurplePiggie profile image
PurplePiggie in reply to Ike_2019

👍😘

Ike_2019 profile image
Ike_2019

Just a quick update. I called the clinic today and they said they have to provide an appointment letter within 8 weeks of them receiving the referral. So that means my next focus is reaching the end of February. It feels good to have a deadline in mind rather than just an endless timeline.

As an aside, their admin staff definitely need more training on how to speak to people who have lost a child. She asked if I have children, to which I replied that my son was stillborn in 2019 but that we haven’t managed to conceive since. She said ‘oh ok, well that wouldn’t be counted so if I was you I’d just wait for your appointment, otherwise I might have said you should consider becoming a private patient.’ 🙄

Lovemylion profile image
Lovemylion in reply to Ike_2019

Omg so insensitive. 🤦🏼‍♀️ And she works in an infertility clinic??? Terrible choice of words. I'm pleased you have a timescale. That's a positive! Xxx

Ike_2019 profile image
Ike_2019 in reply to Lovemylion

Yeah, I mean I know what she meant- if I already have children then I wouldn’t be able to get nhs funded treatment I’m guessing. But she should have chosen her words a bit better. Sadly that’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to stupid things people have said to me. Top prize goes to the woman who wanted to tell me all about her cat dying at my son’s wake. I guess she was trying to tell me she understood 😂

Lovemylion profile image
Lovemylion in reply to Ike_2019

Yes I know but it's completely tactless 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ ......omg at your son's wake 😖....that's just awful..... how are people so ignorant? Its baffling. Its amazing what people come out with. I've had some tactless things said to me from people since I began this journey six years ago. One woman at work made me cry. Id finally got pregnant after years of TTC and multiple rounds of ivf and she said aren't you a bit old to be having a 1st child at your age? When I had my recent MC my boss said "well at least you can try again".....like it didn't matter.

Ike_2019 profile image
Ike_2019 in reply to Lovemylion

People are such dicks. Tbh it’s why I talk about my son so openly, to educate people. If we keep teaching the idea that miscarriage and baby loss is taboo then people will keep saying ignorant things like that.

You may also like...

I hate fertility clinics

just feel like your on a rollercoaster to cost. I’m so fed up of having to redo tests. Using...

First appointment for the fertility clinic - I can't believe it

that I'm about to make an appointment for a fertility clinic. I feel horrible. I am completely...

First fertility clinic app

been ttc for 4years.. all my tests come back normal etc, just been refered to the fertility...

Fertility Clinic Cornwall?

Thursday and Saturday. Does anyone attend a fertility clinic in that area or know of any that I...

How long before next transfer on NHs

for my first ever cycle on IVF on Wednesday and I’m just wondering, ( not to preempt anything...