It's a never ending cycle of upset.

[Smp25]

Good morning Wonder women,

I haven't posted for a while so I thought I'd update you on my current car crash of what I call my life.

As you know, I had a lletz procedure under GA in March.

I had my check up smear in August to determine whether the op worked.

my results came back abnormal and I was referred back to the hospital on the 6th of October for a colposcopy. I wish I could say that's where my story ended but unfortunately it had only just begun.

On the 1st of October I realised I was two weeks late on my period, my boobs were sore, classic sign of coming on but apart from that I was ok, I took a pregnancy test to rule it out and the word Pregnant appeared before I'd finished peeing.

It was a total shock, I didn't know what to do with myself, I shouldn't be able to get pregnant so easy? I've overcome smear after smear, colposcopy and colposcopy and an operation to be accepted for IVF. This isn't happening surely?

I immediately rang the hospital in a blind panic, they told me to come in to check but as I was only 5 weeks, an early scan couldn't be done.

My blood pressure, blood, urine etc were taken. The doctor felt around my stomach, did an internal to see if my cervix was closed which it was... Everything was completely fine. I was in so much shock, I was over the moon.

3 days later I'm woken up by the most horrific stomach cramps and a big gush of blood (but no clot) so I called the hospital again and they called me in for an early scan.

As I got to the hospital, I went for a wee and the biggest, blackest clot left my body. I convinced myself that I had miscarried, I was beside myself. Expecting the dr to confirm, instead she told me she could see something in my tube. No, not again, you're wrong doc, I don't feel unwell.

They admitted me due to my history, kept repeating hormone checks, internals everyday and wouldn't let me go because they didn't know what was going on. They were certain something was in my tube but couldn't detect a heartbeat so they thought I'd miscarried an ectopic and what they could see in my tube was just a little blood.

By this time, I am defeated, I begged for the surgery to remove my last remaining tube because I couldn't go through this for a 3rd time.

They were reluctant but as I went down to concourse to ring my mum, I collapsed.

I was in surgery that day and what they found was nothing short of horrific.

I had miscarried HALF of my pregnancy but the remaining half was still in my tube.

My tube and my pelvis were both full of blood.

The day after my op I was extremely poorly, I couldn't keep my eyes open and everytime I did open my eyes I was physically sick.

Over all I was in hospital for 8 days. I am completely done in.

My colposcopy was pushed until the 14th of Dec given my recent pregnancy news so I still have a hurdle to climb over before I can recover.

I'm 28 years of age and I sit here with no tubes and no chance of ever conceiving naturally again, I am a broken woman I can't lie but I remain positive, this bastard thing that we call life will not beat me, as hard as it tries.

No one and I mean no one, deserves to go through two Ectopic pregnancies.

I'm living for the day I can come here and give you all some good news but today, unfortunately, is not that day.

Take care ladies x

[Hidden]

Hey lovely I was thinking about you the other day and what had been going on in your life, I am so so sorry to read all of this, like you say you just can't believe one person can go through so much trauma, its so unfair and a very cruel world.

I am not going to patronise you with any of the usual phrases about things getting better, I just want to give you the hugest hug and to say I think you are so incredibly strong to just keep on keeping on and to send you lots of love xx

[Smp25 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much, I knew you'd reply xx

I've given in and accepted counselling, there is no way I can do this alone again.

I'm extremely depressed but I'll bounce back.

Hope you're well lovely xxx

[Hidden in reply to Smp25]

I think thats a great step forward, no matter how strong we are we need some sort of sounding board and someone to offload too. I have applied for counselling too but on the waiting list currently. Its no wonder you are depressed but I know you will come out of the other side - lean on people for support you can't do this alone xx

[Cinderella5]

Good grief you poor lass!! What an awful time you have had over the last wee while. My heart goes out to you.❤️ You sound incredibly strong that you can still look to the future and not be beaten, harder than it sounds to keep plodding on but I hope in the fact that you do you can see some brighter days ahead soon. Lots of hugs and look after yourself meantime.xxx

[Ivfgotadream]

I’m so sorry

I lost both my tubes to 2 near fatal ruptured ectopics in the space of 18 months and it was a complete head f@&ck as I’d always held on to the chance, no matter how small that I might conceive naturally with a miracle baby. After the initial shock and grief I have to be honest I actually felt relieved - that sex could Go back to being fun and spontaneous rather than tightly timed around ovulation and only about baby making and that I wasn’t going to be risking my life every month.

Definitely try counselling - but word of warning - I tried it and hated it. I didn’t feel like the counsellor could every comprehend what I was going through as total loss of fertility at a young age isn’t something she’d experienced. I’d look for some online groups with women who have gone through something similar

Take time for yourself. Cry when you want to cry, scream if you want to scream x

[Sammy246]

Im so sorry with what you have been through, I actually dont know what to say which would help heal some of that pain but pray you come into terms with your losses. Sending you love and virtual hugs xx

[Hidden]

Gosh - what a terrible time you’ve had and what a rough journey. Your strength and positivity is so inspiring! I had both my tubes removed in august 2019 (after a long wait) at the age of 34 as both were blocked and remember coming around from the surgery and being so devastated to find out my only option to conceive was now via IVF so I can understand some of what you feel. I do want to give you hope though, I am now 7 weeks pregnant following IVF and keeping my fingers crossed. It’s a long emotional road but you will get there x

[Hidden]

This just broke my heart. You poor poor thing. I just hope you have alot of love around you at the moment. I admire your strength. People dont realize how hard it is all the tests and the needles and the scans. Sometimes thinking of one more ultrasound just makes one breakdown let alone this much heartache. All my love xx

[Linda84Co]

My heart goes out to you. I wish I could say something to change the way you feel. You are so young to experience all this, sending lots of love and a big hug.❤️

[Smp25]

I don't have the energy to reply to you all individually, but thank you so much for your lovely and kind words.

This page is so consistent with the support.

Thank you xx

[Peanutchips]

Oh lovely, it brought a tear to my eye reading your post. I’m so so sorry you’ve been through all of this. Sending lots of hugs your way. You deserve every bit of luck that’s waiting just around the corner for you, I’m sure of it ❤️ xxx

[Cmc2020]

That’s such a shame I have also lost both my tubes due to ectopics and each time I have a op I am violently sick afterwards it’s the worst feeling ever

My most recent one was March the start of lockdown I felt so alone in the hospital

I am currently 8 + weeks pregnant with a FET I am still early but it’s just to let you know there is light at the end of the tunnel I never thought this would happen for me I really hope your ok you have been through the works 😞 xx

[HMKing]

I am thinking of you xx no one deserves such a horrible time of it like that xxxx

[Hope76]

So sorry to read this, I myself have gone through a loss granted not ectopic but counselling really helped. I hope it helps you come to terms with things and look to the future. IVF can be wonderful it worked for me first time for my son....7th time for his brother or sister who I am expecting next April.

A given up battle is never won - you will get stronger and fight once more for your family good luck 🙏🏻🍀🤞🏼😘