Mixed emotions...sad, disappointment, guilt, selfishness...

[Helto200]

OTD and its a BFN after fet. Now firstly.... we had successful ivf 4 years ago and we have gained a wonderful little girly. We had one frostie left, so thought it was time to give it a go. All went well before and during transfer, but it didn't stick. Obviously pretty devastated that it was our last shot but I don't really know how I'm supposed to feel. Should I just be happy with what we have? It just feels like another loss. We still get asked all the time, "will you have any more kids?" It was bad enough before when you get asked "when you having kids?" I know that everyone knows how this feels. Also the amount of people that say that they know people that have conceived naturally after ivf....Well thats nice, but not applicable in our case. Oh i dunno.... just having a rant... not really sure whats next for us. Thanks for reading. I wish everyone the best on their journey too. Xx

[Hidden]

It is hard to advise- only you know when you’ve had enough. Congratulations on your little girl but I’m sure that doesn’t make it less painful it hasn’t worked out how you would’ve wanted. We wanted a sibling for our daughter so I get it- but I also said if it was just the 3 of us we would make it okay. People can be so damn rude- seriously who thinks it’s okay to ask these type of personal questions I find it shocking .😳 it’s no ones business. I wish you well with whatever you decide to do, hope you are filled with happiness Xx

[Helto200 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your kind words. We didn't even tell anyone that we were doing this cycle. I dont really know why to be fair. Just easier I guess. We used donor sperm, so this would have our wee ones full sibling, i think that's what getting to me as well. I'm glad things have worked out for you as well xx

[Hidden]

So sorry about you BFN ☹️. I am in the middle of my FET cycle now after having our little girl 2.5 years ago. It will be our last go as well and absolutely terrified of getting a BFN. I think you just need to take one day at a time. And it’s not selfish feeling sad and disappointed it’s normal to feel that way. I think because we have been through it already it adds to the guilt that we should be happy with what we have and we definitely are but there is nothing wrong with wanting another child or wanting a sibling for your first child. Big hugs xx

[Chantysal]

We are kind of in the same situation we had a successful ivf round and have a baby boy 2.5 years and have been trying the last year for sibling we had 3 failed rounds and now on our 4 th try. I personally feel i wana try my best to get a positive and im also ready mentally for negatives as i have bad egg quality. It all depends on u and if u feel mentally u can keep going its a very tuff journey but once it works u feel its all worth it

[Helto200]

Thank you, both of you. We always said that we would just try this one last frosty and that was it. Not sure i could go through more ivf and plus, really can't afford it. It took 3 years in total last time. Like I said, mixed emotions. Hubby has shrugged his shoulders and happy to move on. I guess I need a little more time to come to terms with it. Good luck to you both in your journeys. Xx

[leah30]

Sorry for your news 😕 sending lots of love . We have a little boy who’s 3 and half he was out last go of our 1st cycle we only had 2 . We decided in July after failing to fall pregnant naturally to go for another cycle as a last try no regrets . Don’t make any decisions today cuddle your little girl hold her tight . My little boy made our last failed so much easier to cope with . Xx

[Helto200 in reply to leah30]

Yes, you are definitely right. Thank you

X

[Sas1101]

Wanted to say how sorry I am 💔 Look after yourself, hugs. X

[Helto200 in reply to Sas1101]

Thank you so much. Very kind of you to say. X

[Sunnydance]

Hello,

In a very similar situation to you. I understand your sorrow and pain. People can be so ignorant to infertility, I struggle and resent pregnancy announcements (not on here!) and then feel like crap for feeling like that.

I have tried for the last 4 years to give our son a sibling, my husband has Azoospermia and we also used DS (my brother in law).

I wonder if there is further complexity in our sadness as I have always felt if my son had a sibling they would be able to support one another around any issues they might have re being donor conceived. We are a really happy unit of 3 and although I am forever grateful, your heart wants what your heart wants. Secondary infertility is still infertility so when people say you are lucky to have one child, I do get that but I never thought it would just be the three of us. If we had the money I would continue to pursue treatment but, this is our last shot, I’m currently on 2ww, (spent 30k the last 4 years 😲) and my husband is getting totally fed up with the cycles and everything involved.

Sending kind wishes xxx

[Helto200 in reply to Sunnydance]

Thank you for sharing your story. Its comforting to know that you are in a similar situation and I'm sorry you have had a difficult time as well. Everything you have said, I can totally relate too. I never wanted a large family, but I knew I wanted more than 1. We are lucky to have what we have and it will take a little bit of time to process. Good luck to you. I hope it works out. Xx

[Sunnydance in reply to Helto200]

Thank you x

[Maui2020]

Hey there, in the same situation and completely understand. We have a 2yr old but spent much of the last year trying FETs from out frozen embryos. All failed with no explanations. I don’t think it’s ever helpful to hear “just be grateful you have one” and also the many comments of “he needs a sibling”. It doesn’t stop the same wanting and instinct that made us have ivf in the first place. Lockdown helped to force us to stop and consider what we were willing to do next, and the time really helped. So I would say don’t feel any pressure to make decisions right now. We are now in the middle of a fresh cycle, think I am more mentally prepared for it failing, but also looking at my son helps me to be more accepting of whatever may be xxx

[Helto200 in reply to Maui2020]

Thank you for your words of comfort. Thank you for understanding. There really is still such a taboo area around fertility treatment. Like its a dirty secret and until someone has to go through it themselves, they really don't understand. We will stay positive and get through it. Good luck in your journey too. X

[Hope76]

Hi, I can relate as my son is 4, we tried 6 times a mixture of frozen and fresh for his sibling. It was such a struggle and hard to deal with after having first time lucky with our first. Am now 16 weeks pregnant with his brother or sister. All I would say is don’t give up, but take plenty time out. We usually booked a break away or did something to keep busy after a failed transfer.

I am now 44 years old and knew this year was our absolute last shot with my own eggs and it was worth the wait as just seems the right time now 😘

Wishing you so much luck going forward 🤞🏼🙏🏻🍀

[Helto200 in reply to Hope76]

Aw I am so happy for you, and I don't even know you, 😆 thank you for your words of encouragement. Very comforting. Hope are feeling well. X

[Hope76 in reply to Helto200]

Thank you, I have found this support group to be my absolute lifeline during the whole journey. 😘

Am pleased am able to comfort you during a difficult time x

[Anna_W]

Hi, I am sorry to hear about your BFN, I feel all of the mixed emotions you are feeling. It's horrible. No one understands unless they have gone through it and people can be so insensitive. I am similar in the fact we are very lucky to have had a successful frozen cycle also at the GRI resulting in our beautiful daughter 2 years ago, first time. Last week I sadly had a biochemical pregnancy with our 2nd frozen embryo. We have one left over but its poorer in quality. I am struggling as there are so many people around me having babies just now. Whilst I feel so lucky and grateful to have my daughter I still feel that infertility consumes my life and weighs heavy on my shoulders something I had hoped would go after having her. I wish you all the best going forward and hope you get there. Look after yourself x

[Helto200 in reply to Anna_W]

Thank you. I'm sorry for your struggles as well. Actually just being on this forum today and chatting to folk in similar situations has helped immensely. I'm glad you have your beautiful daughter and wish you the best for the future. I think a small part of me is angry at myself for being slightly naive and thinking it would work this time because it worked before. I know how you feel about how the infertility still consumes you even years after. I just wish I was happy and complete with my wee family but I still feel a part is missing. Obviously, if it is just the 3 of us, then I will be more than happy with that. You will no what I mean. Its tricky to explain isn't it?? X

[Anna_W in reply to Helto200]

Thank you. This forum helps me too. Infertility is very isolating and I get a lot of comfort knowing that I am not alone. I feel the exact same and yes it is difficult to explain isn't it. I hope it works out for you x