Smashed crumble, smashed up round 5, smashed up heart 😭

[Shirazlover2013]

Well this picture pretty much shows how our recent cycle went and the state of my broken heart 💔 . I spent ages cooking this crumble to take to a bbq at a friends house and as we got out of the car at our friends house it dropped and smashed on the ground. Today was OTD and the FRER was starkly negative. Just like it was on Sunday too so I had a fairly good idea what was coming today. I’m not normally an early tester but that was back when I had hope during my TWWs. This round went wrong from the egg collection and then got worse and has of course totally failed. We’ve tried everything different this round and it’s been a complete car crash.

We’ve been prepping for this round since January, first my husband had his varicocele embolised, then we consulted a fertility nutritionist and implemented her diet and supplement suggestions, we stopped drinking completely. More recently I did acupuncture, had a scratch, did nk cells test (for which I’m now on steroids) and we tried long protocol for the first time. Just as we started the round our sperm dna frag results came back at 38%, the highest its ever been, this is despite the varicocele op and diet/supplements. WTF? Even the famous London urologist is baffled! So it all hung on getting lots of quality eggs to allow for our usual sperm related drop off on day 4.

13 follicles during scans I had some hope. But it all went to pieces from there really. Not as many eggs retrieved as hoped for, and the ones they got were “sticky” according to the embryologist. Only 2 fertilised and that’s when we knew it was likely a done deal 😫. In desperation I went in for a day 3 transfer of both embryos. And yeah you know how it ended.

This is a shout out to my fellow Ivf veteran warriors that I really need you right now. I can’t eat, can’t drink. I’ve hardly slept the last 2 nights. I am so broken tonight.

[Bule84]

Hie Shirazlover13,am so sorry that you are going through this awful time.I know exactly the feeling just stay strong my lovely.I have had two failed IVF cycles myself and i was so heartbroken.Just take your time and do whatever makes u feel better and stay positive,i never imagined that i could ever get over it but hey am in a process of starting natural FET .Sending you lots of hugs😘💐

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Bule84]

Thank you x

[Hidden]

Hey lovely. My heart breaks for you. This is so unfair. I wish we all could do a group hug at these times and hold the warrior who needed it the most. Have a warm shower lovely and let it all go, grief untill you need to untill its time. You will dust yourself off and you will overcome. Because you are a warrior ❤️

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks mimisami, we all need that reminder every so often. I think a scorching hot bath 🛁 will be on the cards for me x

[Kat_15]

Hello lovely. I’m so very sorry to read this. My heart goes out to you and I relate to every word you have written. 💔I just wanted to send you the biggest virtual hugs. PM if you want to chat, anytime. xxx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Kat_15]

Thanks Kat, I’m so sorry your recent round didn’t work out. I know you’d also spent a long time building up to it, just heart breaking for all that effort and still not succeed. I hope you’re doing ok xx

[Cinderella5]

Awww I'm so sorry hun! My heart goes out to you, all the effort and preparation for this. Its sound like you've had a really rough round this time. You'll get there, you need time to get those tears out, get that knot out of your stomach....it just takes time. You never get used to those shitty stark white tests. Sending lots of love and hugs to you, my fellow veteran warrior!!😘😘😘 Here anytime you need a chat!xxx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Cinderella5]

Hi cinders, yeah this one was particularly rough like you said. I swear peeing on those tests gives us PTSD!! I’ve had a rotten couple of days but I’m starting to feel better. On a more positive note, I’m so hopeful for you that this is your time. It means so much to me when other veterans have good news and ultimately a baby of their own. 😘xx

[Cinderella5 in reply to Shirazlover2013]

I'm glad that you are starting to feel more like yourself!😘 Agree with the hpts....PTSD!🤯🤣 Thank you for your kind words but I understand what you mean.....its nice when you see someone with good news but especially when it's one of the veterans. I'm a nervous wreck but very grateful to be in with a shot. Be kind to yourselves and see what you want to do next. Lots of love and hugs.xxx

[TTCWithCHSweetheart]

I am so truly sorry. I had the same result 2 weeks ago and it hurts so much doesn’t it. DM me if you need to chat xx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to TTCWithCHSweetheart]

It does yes, I’m sorry about your recent result too. It’s just so confusing. Some people say it’s a numbers game and I used to believe that but over time you do wonder if you could be truly that unlucky 🤔 would we have more luck winning the lottery 😅? Xx

[Peony85]

Hi, I am so sorry you have gone through this. My 4th cycle was a disaster, and I can relate completely. We also thought that we had found a solution to the sperm fragmentation (we did a SSR), and then my eggs quality was much worse than prior cycles and all embryos arrested at day 3. It was heartbreaking, and we couldn’t figure out how with our lifestyle improvements things could have gotten worse. What I will say is it was a one off and our 5th cycle was completely different. Sending lots of virtual hugs your way, let me know if you ever want to chat xx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Peony85]

Hi peony, I’m so glad it was a one off for you and that your subsequent cycle was different. That’s a real fear I have that it wasn’t a one off. I am hoping it was my attempt at long protocol that didn’t suit me as we can change that back, as opposed to age which I can’t help. Thanks for the hugs xx

[Westielover16]

Hi, so sorry to hear about all you have been through with this cycle. It all completely resonates with our experiences too and it’s awful seeing yet another blank test. I know what it’s like to have had so many failed cycles and to feel like you’re loosing hope. It’s so cruel that even with all the hard work you did for months to have had this experience.

Sending you loads of love and virtual hugs!!! Take the time you need to grieve, cry and even scream it out if needed. There is no right way to process all the emotions and all you can do is loads of self care right now. DM me if you need a chat from a fellow failed 5th round warrior xx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Westielover16]

Thanks westie, 😘. After a few bad days I’m feeling better. I’ve just demolished a bag of sweets with a cuppa, had lunch and a G&T with friends and later I’m meeting one of my best mates for dinner who I treasure time with. I am slowly losing hope though..... but I completely reject the idea of giving up just yet, a slightly strange place to be in!! Not sure what our next steps will be to be honest. How are you doing 1mth on? Xx

[Westielover16 in reply to Shirazlover2013]

Hi Shiraz! Glad to hear you are doing well with your self care and hoping you had a few G&Ts at lunch as you definitely deserve it!

Doing okay. As you know some days are better than others. We are luck in that we have a frostie to still use from our fifth round so just planning on doing an ERA test then a FET. We have decided that the FET will be our last go as the emotional toll is starting to really affect both of us. So we are also starting to look into adopting. Not for everyone but we think this is the next step for us.

I’m sure you will need time to think about next steps but whatever you decide, wishing you loads of luck!!

If you ever need a chat with a fellow 5th round warrior please just DM me. Xx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Westielover16]

Hiya, I think we’re at the same stage mentally too with regards to thinking about other options. Adoption is a very real option for us. If I ever got a frozen embryo I would do an ERA too so I think you’ve got a solid plan, I really hope this precious little frozen one is the sticky one for you 🤞🤞xx

[Westielover16 in reply to Shirazlover2013]

Thanks for your message. Hope you’re okay. Have been thinking about you. Xx

[Luna_79]

Oh I’m so so sorry to read this, it’s so hard when you’ve tried everything and have to go through the pain of a bfn. My heart breaks for you, there are no words, as you know give yourself time to grieve and gradually with time you will form a plan again. Maybe take a few days to switch off from everything IVF - allow yourself a drink , do something nice , I’m so sorry this round didn’t work for you, sending you a big hug xxx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Luna_79]

Hi Luna, I’ve taken those few days out and yes I am feeling a bit better now. Even had my first glass of wine last night 🍷. I’m sorry about your recent round too, how are you doing now? Xx

[Luna_79 in reply to Shirazlover2013]

Hey there, I’m pleased to hear your doing ok, think there will always be good / bad days but as long as you keep bouncing back that is the Main thing. Hopefully you have a review app and can get some answers or how they can things different next time 💕 I’m doing ok thanks hun, just having consultations and deciding which clinic to go with - so much info to take in though! You take care and enjoy the wine xxxx

[hannahkc]

So sorry to read, Shiraz that it wasn't a positive today. It's such a cruel journey for many people 💙

You've some great strength to be ready to put on a brave face at the BBQ on the same day! But make sure you take time for you to recover, sending you massive hugs, sweetie Xxx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to hannahkc]

Thanks Hannah, the bbq that day was actually the best thing for me. The group of people there are a wonderful group of supportive friends and they all knew about our ivf round going pear shaped. I saw you’re planning to do your FET this month, just wanted to wish you good luck 🤞🤞 xx

[hannahkc in reply to Shirazlover2013]

Aww your friends sound lovely 💕

And thanks so much for the well wishes! X

[Chel91]

So very sorry to hear your news hun, it's heartbreaking and so incredibly unfair! Big hugs to you!! Look after yourself, don't feel bad for taking some time out just for you. Will be thinking of you 💕 xxx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Chel91]

Thanks, I’ve taken some time out this weekend to do some nice things with friends and I feel all the better for it!! Xx

[Lind58]

Feel your pain.

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Lind58]

Thanks, I’m so sorry about your recent miscarriage just heart breaking 💔, I hope you’re doing ok xx

[Millbanks]

I had a disastrous round this summer too. Something went wrong at every step and we ended up with a BFN. I spoke to an amazing counsellor who helped me a lot (dm me if you’d like details) and I also decided that if we do another round I’d move clinic and have our next embryos PGS tested. These little decisions made me feel a bit more in control which definitely helped.

Ivf sucks so much but we’re still here plodding on because ultimately we believe it will work for us. And it will for you too! Stay strong xxx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Millbanks]

Hi millbanks, I’m sorry about your disastrous round. I hope for both of us it’s a one off!! My clinic offers unlimited counselling so I’m seeing a wonderful lady there. But I’ve used BICA to look for counsellors/psychologists in the past. Getting one that specialises in infertility is so important isn’t it! Xx

[Millbanks in reply to Shirazlover2013]

It sure is!! I’m so glad you’ve found a good one 👍🏼 Fingers crossed for you next time xx

[Debrakay1704]

Sending you lots of love xx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Debrakay1704]

Thanks xx

[Hidden]

I wish I could swear on here, so ‘l**^^*** angry for you, the world must feel a very unfair place right now

It’s particularly hard when you’ve changed a load of things and just hoped that those would be the things that made the difference

Can you talk to someone? I think you probably need to let it all out (understandably)

So sorry lovely xx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks daisy, I’m a swearer too 😆, when I dropped the crumble an expletive was what came out my mouth! Each round of ivf I’ve changed something trying to find the magic formula, but now I’m not sure we’ll ever find it..... I just don’t know anymore. We’ll take some time out and consult the specialists again for guidance and see where that takes us. I’m seeing a counsellor too who really helps. I’ve been following your journey of late and hope Friday went well for you. Also I hope those dreaded update calls are going ok, they are so scary xx

[Hidden in reply to Shirazlover2013]

Thanks lovely. I really hope you find that magic formula that gives guy that magic result. Been an up and down week this week, day three update call tomorrow so will update everyone after that xx

[CLDxxx]

So sorry lovely 😔Sending love and strength to you 💕xxx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to CLDxxx]

Thanks, I hope your pregnancy is going smoothly xx

[hifer]

So sorry to hear everything you've been through. Take time to regroup. You can come back from this although it may not feel like this right now. Sending hugs xx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to hifer]

Hi Hifer, I did what I promised myself I’d do and test 2 days after OTD so no regrets. How are you doing a week on from your BFN? Xx

[Sammy246]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I dont know any words that can help ease your pain or help you make sense why things have happened the way they have. Sending you love and strength xx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Sammy246]

Thanks sammy, you are so sweet sending your comfort to me whilst in the middle of your own grief. I’m incredibly sorry to hear of your recent miscarriage and additional stress from the GP and admin issues. It makes my blood boil hearing things like that. Perhaps when you’ve recovered your strength you can decide if you want to take it further. Sending big hugs to you xx

[Sammy246 in reply to Shirazlover2013]

Thank you for your kind words. We're just taking each day as it comes. Hoping we hear back from the recurrent miscarriage clinic soon regarding the chromosomal testing. So atleast we know what timescale we're looking at. since we've started our ivf journey everything else in our life is at a standstill, mentally and physically I had placed everything on hold. I am hoping to make a complaint but mentally need to grasp and have a plan for everything else so I can draft the complaint xx

[recidwen]

I am so so sorry my sweet friend. You put everything into this one and it is so unfair that it didn’t work. Lots of love to you as always xxxxxxx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to recidwen]

Thanks sweetheart, I’m doing a lot better having had some time on the weekend to do some nice stuff for myself. I’m so happy your pregnancy is going well, it lifts my spirits on a regular basis to know that an ivf veteran is finally on the path to a beautiful ending. 😘xx

[Picalilli99]

Only just seen this. I’m so sorry. I’m absolutely gutted for you 💔. As another IVF veteran, I really feel your pain. This shit never gets easier, but I think it actually feels so much worse when you get a bfn in a round when you have changed up loads of stuff to address the issues identified, both been really disciplined and healthy and thrown everything at it. The crash back down is just brutal. It just seems so unfair. Hopefully this is just a duff round for you though lovely. Perhaps the long protocol doesn’t suit you. We only ever did it once (our 3rd cycle) and it was our worst round ever, so we reverted back to short. I know theres not much I can say to make you feel better right now. But look after yourself, cry, shout, make another apple crumble and intentionally throw it on the floor this time - whatever you need to do. Just try and take it one day at a time for now. But know you are not alone. DM me anytime if you want to chat. Love & hugs ❤️ Xx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Picalilli99]

Hi piccalilli, your post has made me laugh, thank you so much 😅 and what you say really resonates with me, you totally get it. The crash was in slow motion over 2 weeks from dna frag results to BFN, but we still held out hope for a miracle none the less. But it’s not to be. I’m hoping it’s a one off from the poor egg side anyway, if I switch back to short protocol for a 6th round. But who knows what to do on the sperm dna frag side, will have to see what the “king of balls” says when we can get a follow up with him. I am thinking of making another crumble, I can’t let that one be the only one I’ve ever made!! Xx

[Picalilli99 in reply to Shirazlover2013]

Ha I hope you get an appointment with the “king of balls” very soon. Always good to see what they have to say and to make a bit of a plan forward. Fingers crossed it was just a duff round on the sperm front too and that it is better next round. Big hugs xxx

[aliciahightower]

My heart breaks for you darling. Hugs and kisses for you while your heart, mind, body, and soul heal. I can hear the pain as I read through your post. Take care of yourself for a bit, have a glass of wine-shit have a few and cry and cry until your all cried out. Take care of mama bear.

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to aliciahightower]

Thanks xx

[Sarah83ap]

Oh luv I really feel what you’re going through!

It’s good to have a chat with your doc it really helped me process my failed attempts. Also I highly recommend it starts with the egg.

Take the time to be sad and look after yourself xx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Sarah83ap]

Thanks Sarah, we’ll have our follow up in the next few weeks. We need to see the urologist too but his diary is usually pretty full 😬 I’m feeling a bit blah about diet and supplements at the moment. I’ve been taking loads of supplements for years now for ivf and this round we amped it up quite a lot with the nutritionist too yet our results were worse than ever this round. So I wonder if we flipped it and just relaxed what would happen 🤔 xx

[Dinah_lady]

So sorry to read this. The time, attention and care put into prepping for ivf just so often not give us the results that are hope for. It feels so unfair. I hope the tears and pain is lessening slightly and you are spending plenty time on self care, G&T & Shiraz allowed!! x x

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Dinah_lady]

Thanks Dinah, it does feel very unfair both right now and overall. I did end up having both a g&t and some wine on the weekend 👍. Hope you are well xx

[Core]

So so sorry to read this, sounds like you have been through a really really rough time. I hope you have lots of support around you and do whatever it takes to make you get back to yourself again, sending hugs xx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Core]

Thanks Core, it will take time. How are you doing? Xx

[Core in reply to Shirazlover2013]

We are finally restarting treatment! It’s been a long 6 months excited but nervous to start again. How are you feeling now? Hope you’ve got lots of support around you. Have you thought about next steps or still too soon?xx

[feminist]

So sorry to read this. Sending you lots of love and hugs. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to feminist]

Thanks, I took a look at your profile and noted you guys have high dna fragmentation too. Your 3rd cycle was a complete turnaround, congratulations on your pregnancy!! Would you please PM me with what you did that cycle that you think helped? Xx

[feminist in reply to Shirazlover2013]

Of course, I will do that now. Xxxx

[Shazb123]

I’m really sorry to hear this. My 1st IVF embryo transfer failed and I found this out last week. Still dealing with all the emotions. If you need to chat I’m here. Sending you love xx