Thinking positively Vs expecting disappointment

[Alwaysbelieving]

Hi everyone hope you’re all doing okay! We’ve been ttc for 3 years, ivf cancelled in April and never fallen pregnant. I tend to put myself in the mindset that I won’t fall pregnant so that I’m not too disappointed (even though it still breaks me every month) but have had the odd month where I think positively (telling myself it will happen this month) to see if it ‘helps’ and the BFN is just all the more heartbreaking. What is your approach to each cycle? Do you think your mindset matters when trying to conceive? I know there’s not really many different answers to this just interested to hear your thoughts and advice as it messes with my head so much and struggling a bit at the moment. Thanks x

[LeeCee15]

Hi 👋

I guess I just go with the feeling whether it be happy or sad. Some days, weeks,months are worse than others but I try not to dwell on things too much and look forward to the next steps. When I think about it properly though it kinda feels like life is on hold until it happens as I’m always thinking about the next part of the journey 🤔.

It’s definitely horrible to go through but you just gotta keep believing it can happen, stories and posts from others on here prove that 🙂 Xx

[Mara84]

I know how you feel... We were on hold because of Covid19 and I thought to myself why not try but we didn’t get pregnant and every month was getting harder and harder. I was driving myself crazy with ovulation test and pregnancy test....

I don’t have any advise because myself feel very frustrated but I want to remind you, we all have been there... I do hope IVF treatment happen soon. And please don’t give up ❤️

[FluffyPink]

Hello,

So sorry to hear your treatment was postponed. It really is a bit head-wrecking trying to stay just positive enough to conceive but not too positive in case you get a devastating blow!

Our doctors have been unfailingly positive since we started our “journey” four years ago but in hindsight I really wish they hadn’t focused so much on my good AMH as it doesn’t give you any information about egg quality (which ultimately must have been a reason for our failed cycles!) I found the nurses to be more realistic, possibly because they do a lot of the supporting when things go wrong! We would have moved to donor options sooner if we’d had some frank talking about our odds, I think.

By coincidence, I have been listening to a podcast called The Happiness Lab (which is a really good podcast about boosting wellbeing). Series 1, Episode 7 (“Don’t Accentuate the Positive”) is an episode about the myth of positive thinking - how it helps us more to try to be realistic while also hoping for a good outcome. See: //happinesslab.fm/ It’s not about fertility, but looks at the science behind positivity. Hope it’s useful! xxx

[Alwaysbelieving in reply to FluffyPink]

Sorry to hear about your failed cycles and best of luck with the donor route. I do enjoy listening to podcasts so I will definitely give that one a go, thanks so much for the tip! Xx

[FluffyPink in reply to Alwaysbelieving]

Hope you enjoy the podcast! There’s also an app by Action for Happiness. It’s worldwide movement aimed at trying to boost wellbeing. The podcast is linked with it.

I’m enjoying Mindful IVF app too for meditation. Just discovered it this week. xx

[Cdwen]

I would echo all the above. I think it is about becoming more and more aware of our thoughts and being able to let them go, whatever they are so that there is more equilibrium in the day. I don’t think you can think yourself into pregnancy, I do think though that it is interesting to explore the narrative we have around our bodies capability and worthiness of pregnancy. Lots of love xxxxx

[Stato]

Hello there.

I had CBT after a bout of anxiety earlier this year. We explored my habit of worrying. I told her I liked to worry and be ready for something to go wrong because I felt it made it easier when it happened. She challenged me by asking whether it really did feel any better when the bad thing happened. I concluded that it didn’t and in fact I was extended the pain. For me now, it is ok to think about eventualities and plan for things to happen, but not to obsess and worry about them until they do.

My phrase when going through a failed FET in December was “realistic optimism”. As a statistician I understand the odds of things happening and now I try to hope I’m one of the lucky ones.

Not sure if that helps, but wanted to share just in case. I was referred here for more material:

cci.health.wa.gov.au/en/Res...

Finally, my old acupuncturist told me *not* to avoid coming into contact with newborn babies. She said to say to myself “I’m going to have one like you one day”. Not sure that’s for everyone, but I think it helped to focus on that when visiting friends.

I’m so glad we all have each other on here. Thank you for sharing x

[Alwaysbelieving in reply to Stato]

Thanks so much for your reply a very interesting read and outlook. I’ll definitely take a look at the link you posted. I love that advice about newborn babies too, I think that will really help me! It really is a wonderful platform and to have each other to speak to, it helps so much! Xxx

[Alwaysbelieving]

Thanks for the replies, it was my first post so really appreciate the advice and understanding.

We were meant to move house back in April (which has also been delayed but only until September) and I think one of the other things that had frustrated me was ‘it’ll happen once you’re in the house’ as if the scientific/medical reason for not getting pregnant is because we haven’t moved yet!...although I really do hope it’s as easy as that 😂 I’ve also heard this for the past year due to the pandemic and not being able to move so I’m a bit tired of hearing it. I know it is said with good intentions and I suppose it does help having something to focus on particularly with no info regarding ivf resuming. It just made me wonder how much of the psychological side of ttc actually plays a part in the process. Thanks again for your kind words xx

[a1234567]

Your mindset matters, but not to have a successful outcome (to get pregnant). It matters so that you are well mentally and emotionally.

[Spongy]

Hi,

I had lots of counselling throughout my infertility and IVF journey and the thingS I remember most is her saying... ‘hoping for the best, won’t make the worst happen’ and ‘thinking the worst won’t make it hurt less‘. ‘Try to live with how you feel in the moment, knowing that however you feel, it is ok. Even the worst feelings don’t last forever so be kind to yourself, allow yourself whatever emotion is needed’.

I still use that all the time about different stuff but it really helped me. I was afraid to feel excited or positive in case it hurt more or it ‘made something bad happen’ so when she gave me these words, I allowed myself hope and positivity if that’s how I felt.

Sorry that’s rambling but maybe some of it will help. All the best with everything. There has been no harder journey for me than my ivf journey so I am thinking of you.

All the best,

Vicky.

[Alwaysbelieving in reply to Spongy]

That’s so true! Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else don’t you! Thank you for sharing I think I will try and approach it in a more positive way as I’m sick of the pity parties although I’m sure I’ll still have them when AF shows! Thanks for thinking of me, wishing you lots of luck and love too xxx

[Gabrielagrazebrook]

Hi Wishfulthinking86,

I have been ttc for over 3 years, am 36 years old. I don’t think there is a single one feeling or emotion we feel in the process. Its a real rollercoaster, or is for me at least. One thing I’m doing differently in my 2nd ivf round is sharing more with friends (and strangers, thus joining this forum). Because I personally find the process horribly lonely. As with every rollercoaster, there will be ups and downs but - whenever we each graduate from the ride - we’ll be stronger people and there’s a good result at the end for us all. Even though it feels impossible sometimes.