All just too much: Just received meds... - Fertility Network UK

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All just too much

OlsonM
OlsonM

Just received meds this morning for our 3rd round of IVF . We’ve been arguing on and off for a while now with all the stress of TTC/treatment plus life in general. Today he told me he doesn’t want us to be unhappy anymore and we should go our separate ways. I’m shocked and upset/angry. I know it’s been hard and I understand where he is coming from but the timing is terrible

We’ve been together nearly 11 years

It has been difficult doing all this treatment and all the other things

I feel a little bit numb and I’m not sure what to do. Not told anyone as this has all happened today

I’ve just emailed the clinic and asked how much of a refund I can get if I cancel. Can barely believe I’m saying that

82 Replies
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So so sorry hun 😔 This is terrible timing! Is there a chance that this is all in the heat of the moment and some time will calm things down? The anticipation of a new cycle can certainly make things worse, and IVF in general can cloud the reasons you are really together, but it would be awful if it came to that. Maybe after a day or two to breathe you can talk things over and remind each other of all the wonderful reasons you have stayed together for 11 years? Thinking of you 💕 xxxx

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to Chel91

Thank You. He said the past 2 years we’ve been unhappy (2nd failed cycle was about 3 years ago) and he’s tried but it just isn’t working. We do argue but doesn’t everyone? I do always wonder when I see people post about how IVF made them stronger as couples - maybe that was a sign? Xx

Im so sorry to hear that , fertility journey is so hard and me and oh have come to that point so many times. I know he hates that i feel depressed most of the time - bt i let him cool off and things go back to a sort of normal- do u think that might be the case with your partner? I can totally understand your position also lockdown magnifies everything xx sending love

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to Ivf2020A

If he hadn’t mentioned 2 years and he feels constantly unhappy then maybe. We’ve Come close to ending things many time’s with all of this but it was more in am arguing heat of the moment way. He’s never actually said it’s over xx

Ivf2020A
Ivf2020A
in reply to OlsonM

Its a hard road - perhaps some space will do u both some good - sending u good vibes x

Oh darling im short for words. Like Chel said i hope this is all just in the heat of the moment. Please dont be hard on your self as i am sure you will be able to talk again soon when you both sleep over it. Take a good care of your self. Thinking of you xx

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to Mimisami

I just have that gut feeling it really isn’t like that. He’s at work and I’ve just moved all his things into drawers in the spare room. I’ve told no one so can’t stay anywhere. Plus this is my house too and we have a dog so I don’t want to leave xx

Mimisami
Mimisami
in reply to OlsonM

I promise you all couples fight especially with this ttc big elephant in the room. And couples that say they came out stronger well good for them but im sure they had many times of breakdown because thats what it takes to come out stronger. I suppose after both cool down and hopefully forget what was said, i know it seems hard but you need to talk about it. I promise you if you both want eachother you will over come this even if it doesnt seems like it now. X

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to Mimisami

It’s nice to hear that all couples fight. It’s rarely said. Like you say, people sometimes only like to show the great times to people

My mind is spinning at 100 miles an hour trying to think of all the things that are going to need to be sorted out. We were going to move house so it’s already been on the market 2 weeks... I can’t believe I emailed the clinic! X

Mimisami
Mimisami
in reply to OlsonM

Please dont rush in to anything love x you two are the priority now and always. Everything else can be sorted. Please take care if yourselves x

Gosh how upsetting for you

I think ivf really screws up relationships and arguing on and off is so common. Have you had a break at all (apart from Covid?)

Let him cool down a bit but maybe suggest rather than splitting up for good you have a time period where you don’t think about ttc? We had six months off after a really messy couple of years and included a holiday - it was just what we needed, it let us remember why we got together in the first place and that we can have fun and enjoy each other it’s just ttc that’s ruining things

Once you are able to identify that you can adopt the ‘this will be better when..’ attitude and things get so much easier

Maybe worth a shot? xx

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to Daisy1245

Thank you. We’ve never had a break. Plus it’s harder in lockdown. I don’t want to leave the house and he doesn’t either. We always said if we ever had a break it would likely be for good

We’ve been ttc for 6 years now. Obv the first year or so wasn’t that stressful but this whole “journey” has definitely changed us. Maybe more me but we agreed this one last round and then move on (from ivf) So it feels very out of the blue timing wise but he said it’s definitely not out of the blue xx

Daisy1245
Daisy1245
in reply to OlsonM

Hey sorry I wasn’t clear - when I said have a break I meant from TTC not from your relationship. I definitely think you should let the dust settle for a few days and not move out or anything, it’s crazy how much this all messes with us and six years is a very long time

Really hope you sort it out and manage to remember the old you’s .. that’s what it took to get us two back on track. I haven’t been ttc as long (4 years) but it’s been quite a journey with no happy endings so far

Masses of luck xx

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to Daisy1245

Thank you and I’m so sorry it’s been so long for you too. Hugs xxx

I’m so sorry to hear this, how stressful. Are either of you in counselling? My husband and I did separate counselling (rather than couples counselling) and I honestly think it probably saved our marriage. It’s such a hard thing to go through and outside support really helped us. Xx

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to HPLondon

Thank you. I’ve done therapy a couple of years ago as I was really struggling with anxiety after the 2 failed rounds hit me (about 6 months later). I didn’t find it helpful at all to be honest but I did the whole 10 sessions. I know how amazing it is for some people so I’m genuinely glad it worked for you

Xxx

HPLondon
HPLondon
in reply to OlsonM

A different type of therapy may be more helpful. Did you do CBT? I saw a psychotherapist, as did my husband. I

Don’t think CBT would have resonated with me. Think it worked for us because we both did it, although we hated it because it was so hard. Lots of other stuff came out! Both ended up doing it for about 18 months and probably would have carried on for longer had I not gotten pregnant. Hope things get brighter for you soon xx

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to HPLondon

I did a little CBT but didn’t like that either

I just don’t know if I have it in me to fight for it. He obviously doesn’t either xx

Reading your post made me so sad 😢 I hope all will be good with you two. Do not rush into things, it might be just the heat of the moment.

May I ask why did you move his things? Did he ask you to do it?

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to Buisquits

It’s a gut feeling that’s it isn’t and I don’t know what to do with that feeling

He has no idea I’ve moved his things. I’m just angry and needed to do something to keep us separate for sleeping xxx

I'm so sorry that this is happening! I was thinking the same as the other ladies perhaps it was the heat of the moment and it wasnt really meant? I do hope so! I have really struggled in the lead up, sometimes it's the worst bit, and I think it puts a lot of pressure on your relationship. I really hope you can work through it and continue with your dreams. Sending lots of love xx

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to Italy300618

Thank you. It’s just one of those feelings that it isn’t. We’ve don’t the whole “right that’s it” when we’ve argued but there wasn’t an argument this time. Just little bickers xxx

Italy300618
Italy300618
in reply to OlsonM

I really hope you are ok, and I really hope this works out for you and you come together to find what you have is strong enough to pull through. Thinking of you xxx 😥

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to Italy300618

Xxxx

So, so sorry to hear you are going through this 😢 I would agree with the idea of taking a complete break from IVF (for a year or as long as it takes) to focus on your relationship and enjoying the best things about what you do have together . We’re finding that with restaurants, cafes, cinemas, theatres, pubs closed and concerts cancelled, we have been struggling to find things to enjoy together during Covid and that has made being childless so much harder. With us often home all day together it can be hard to find anything to focus on/ talk about other than IVF!

It won’t stay like this much longer however. It would be terrible to make a permanent change in the context of a temporary situation. You know what’s best for you in your current situation, however.

Absolutely agree with everyone who says that this “journey” has put an awful strain on their relationship. I have cried in the shower more times than I can count at this stage! I think sometimes partners need to feel that they still matter to you more than the quest for a baby.

Fertility counselling (it was really just talking rather than CBT/ a structured approach) definitely helped us to heal and move past things much quicker than dealing with it by ourselves. We went to the same counsellor separately and together for sessions.

Thinking of you and really hope you both manage to heal from the loss of this cycle and get through this together. xxx

100% agree I think Covid has magnified the lack of children. We used to do so much to almost compensate for not having them - concerts holidays meals out etc but without them it magnifies the fact that everyone else has children and we have nothing that ‘compensates’ for not having them which makes it so much worse xx

Thanks for your kind words. We took a 2 year break to get to this point of round 3 so I’m not sure how much difference it would make. The fact he hasn’t mentioned any types of resolutions makes me feel like I don’t want to even talk about it. To just say we can’t do this anymore and that’s it - just awful. And after we’ve paid for the whole cycle!! So we’ve lost thousands for nothing xxx

So sorry to read this.

All the stress and uncertainty definitely puts extra pressure on your relationship. Being in lockdown and stuck in each other's pockets doesn't help either.

We are going to Czech in four weeks for our fourth round of IVF (second donor round) and it's been really hard on our relationship this time round. My partner said the other day he didn't want to go through with it. After a couple of days, he calmed down and we are going ahead.

I hope it all works out for you. X

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to ChloeDE

Thank you. I wish you all the luck for round 4. I’ve tried many suggestions today but he is adamant this is it and no moving past it or way back xx

I'm so sorry. We said the divorce word on more than one occasion, this process definitely does change you. It's been so bad and I've said some terrible things that I didn't know how we would ever get back to how it used to be.

With the cycle, I don't think they give you that much of a refund. Would it be at all possible to have this round and see? You've come so close to it now it would be a shame not to try. If the house sells meantime you could rent for a bit until you have time to figure out what you both will do. Tell your husband we all feel like this, IVF is hell!!

Let him cool off today. I hope you will be ok xx

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to Maisie234

Thank you

I’ve tried and tried today. I even said I could use this round to simply freeze my eggs so we can stop thinking about it if it would help. He just says no to everything even though he’s upset he said there’s no going back xx

Hi OlsonM,

I am so sorry you are going through this incredibly rough patch. I know you've gotten a host of advice and support from other members. But I was thinking I would like to contribute something different as each of our experiences is so individual when it comes to our relationships, our lives and our infertility. I've also done some therapy in my life as well and I know it takes a lot of time and dedication to get real, sustainable results. What I have found instantaneously and incredibly helpful is when someone describes to me a different way of thinking and understanding my issues. This therapist, Esther Perel is so damn good. She speaks very openly, honestly and bluntly about relationship dynamics, challenges and truths that I find so elevating.

Here is a link to one of her talks,


it is about 30 minutes with Q&A afterward. While it doesn't address infertility directly, she speak to all of the dynamics which make up our relationship challenges and what it takes to make a relationship "happy" and "loving." Because as you probably know, specific challenges like infertility bring up a whole host of more fundamental relationship issues.

I love listening to Esther's talks (she has a bunch on YouTube) as it reminds me that constant examination of myself, my words and my actions as well as open and deep communication with my partner are necessary to continue a loving and successful relationship.

I will also say, on a personal note, that there have been a few times my (now) husband and I have stared at the bottom/the end of our relationship due to failures in communication among other things. It was through reaching the bottom that we were able to be completely open, honest and vulnerable with each other enough to reassess, rebuild and maintain something much more beautiful, fulfilling and meaningful than ever. There is hope!

Sending lots of love,

Elise Mac

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to EliseMac

Thank you for your lovely reply. Unfortunately today there has been lots of tears and he’s told me there’s no going back and that I can’t fix it no matter what. I’ve told my family now which was hard to do but had lots of support. The rest of this is going to be so tough xxx

Hello, I am really sorry that on top of infertility, your having relationship problems as well. I know that IVF can be very stressful on a marriage and to me it seems that you and your partner has jus experienced so much pain that it consumes you both. Maybe he thinks that by going your separate ways, you will relieve the pain and suffering.

I 100% believe that just because you can’t get pregnant it doesn’t mean that you should end your relationship. My husband always says that I am his family and kids or no kids, we will always be together. It’s no that we haven’t had our moments but at the same time I haven’t experienced an failed cycles yet. So there is definitely more pressure on you and less hope than someone in my situation might have.

Also people say things in the heat of the moment that they don’t really mean. Don’t make big living changing decisions based on emotions. I would move his clothes back before he comes home from work. Keep everything as it is. Let him have some space to calm down. You just need to show him that you have been unhappy with the situation but not with him. A husband/partner hates to see his other half in pain. It really hurts them seeing us in pain. So I would try to re-examine how you see your future. Ask yourself what you want in life apart from IVF to work. Try to see if you can focus on other goals which will make you happier. Obviously having a child is the goal for us all but I find I am more positive about the whole thing when I am also successful in my career, when I am planning on buying a house and other things etc. Me and my husband don’t ever really talk about IVF also, we just live our normal lives and focus on uni/work and then talk about it when we are actually doing treatment.

You also need to ask yourself if your partner would be saying all of this if IVF worked, wants a factor or say you could get pregnant naturally. Is the separation only coming from IVF stress or are their deeper problems about your relationship that would be their with or without IVF. I ask because theirs no point starting a family with someone who always threatens to leave. It will be you left to carry the baby.

I really do pray that you guys resolve things. I think you need to reconnect, has some fun and actually ask him what can change that will make him more happy. Listen to what he says. Everything will e fine.

Thank you for the message. I’ve tried everything today both upset and he 100% says no matter what I can’t change his mind and he’s sorry. That’s it xx

So sad to hear. However I know you were angry but you shouldn't have moved his things. 11 years is long enough to stay united during this infertility journey.

Honestly we tried for six years and two failed ivf, I called my husband one day and told him that we must go our separate ways. We needed to try our luck elsewhere but he refused. I was frustrated that pregnancy wasn't happening. Then my husband became more prayerful. We were preparing for our third ivf this year.

Before that, we changed our diets, eating more organic products, lost Weight and was on supplements. Proxeed plus for Men for my husband due to sperm count issues and proceive maximum for women for myself. After four months miracle happened.

Talk to him and try to sort things out if possible okay? Calm down my dear. Always remember that as a woman, our biological clock ticks but men can be parents at any age.

May God give you the strength, wisdom and happiness because you deserve it. Infertility is indeed a wrecker. Hugs

Thank you. I’ve suggested numerous ways to make it work today. Even freezing my eggs with the meds we have and then see what happens. Nothing is working no matter what I say and it’s not been screaming matches. I literally begged him to let me try but he won’t let me xx

Nuszkahope
Nuszkahope
in reply to OlsonM

I am sorry to hear about your relationship breaking due to IVF. This process is so difficult, I have been going through this for almost 5 years myself. My advice would be to freeze the eggs as you have already paid for the meds etc. Who knows what the future holds, you will be able to use them, if not with this partner maybe with someone else x All the best x stay strong

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to Nuszkahope

Thanks

I genuinely did think about it but feel like I’m not at a point I can go through it stress wise at the moment

Have a house to sell and all the other things that come with 11 years of a relationship and feel like my egg quality would suffer for this at this point anyway xx

I’m so so sorry to hear this. I kind of went through a similar situation last year but thankfully it all worked out. It was the stress of infertility that ruined things - made me a sad person and my partner of 9 years struggled to cope with that. He said I had changed, then he started changing and before we knew it, things spiralled out of control. Thankfully we worked things out and have a baby on the way now and are super happy again - everyone’s circumstances are different but I think what saved us was me having to take a step back from infertility and focusing on our relationship instead. I had forgotten about us and was so consumed in trying to conceive. Give him time - if it’s meant to be then you will work things out. In the meantime don’t suffer alone and reach out to your friends and family for support xxx

Thank you. Congratulations on the baby

I’ve offered so many things to try and make it better but he won’t have it. Offered to freeze my eggs with the meds we have now and take it off the table completely but he said nothing can fix it. I’ve tried over and over since he initially said it but he’s giving me nothing xx

Mup80
Mup80
in reply to OlsonM

I am so sorry to hear it. It is a heartbreaking situation.

As everyone else said, give him some time. But in the meantime I do think it's wise that you go through the treatment and freeze your eggs. Again, you don't know what the future will bring and as it's already paid, it would be silly to waste it. You might not use them, or you might, but at least you'll have the option! And remember focus on your well-being.

I wish you everything will get better. Sending you loads of positive thoughts! Xxxx

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to Mup80

Spoke to the clinic today and cancelled. They will part refund at this point but lost lots obviously

Thought about the egg freezing but it’s just not feesable with lockdown as it is and having someone on hand the same as my husband would have been

I still have the meds so need to look at the expiry as can’t remember the life span of them

I can always look at it a few months down the line potentially but my head is spinning and can’t eat so wouldn’t be the best time to do it xx

Mup80
Mup80
in reply to OlsonM

That's a good idea. I hope it will get better for you very soon.

Please don't hesitate to message of you need to talk! Xx

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to Mup80

Thank you so much

Everyone’s been so kind xx

Bless you - you are doing everything you can to fight to save your relationship and that’s all you can do. Maybe with time he will come round if it’s meant to be. I agree with other comments about freezing your eggs - it is something I would have done if my partner had have left me. Depends on your circumstances though but I had a low AMH at 32 years old and was told time was running out for me. Good luck in whatever you choose to do xxx

Thank you

I don’t think I have it in me to focus on moving on for him to then start changing his mind (which I genuinely don’t think he will). I’m sure he’s felt like this for a while to do it rather than all just coming out overnight so to speak

He was very matter of fact about how we will split everything 50/50 and I should sell my engagement ring and get some money for it

All these things tell me it’s the end xx

Yes these things don’t tend to happen over night. It’s going to be a hard tough time over the next few weeks but you will be okay!! You have options and you have to put yourself first. I don’t think I would ever forgive someone for taking away an opportunity like ivf from me - but things happen for a reason. Take care of yourself and try stay strong xxx

Thank you

He’s moving out tomorrow so this is not something we’ve ever done before

My mind is on overdrive and I just feel like my head is made of spaghetti! Xx

It will either go one way or another - sometimes these things happen for a reason despite how awful they feel at the time. Look after yourself over the next few weeks and try and remain positive xxx

Xx

Im so sorry to read your story and see your updates! You must be heartbroken, no advice really but just wanted to say Im thinking about you! Hugs.xx

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to Cinderella5

Thank you, appreciate that so much xx

I know it may sounds harsh, but sometimes things happen for a reason, I got divorced when my husband said he didn't want to try and then I met someone who wasn't scared and was ready for ivf journey and we now have a beautiful baby boy so I'm glad I made this decision even if it was hard. Your partner may have enough or simply met someone with who things may look easer but that's a sign for you as going through ivf is hard but actually bringing kids together that's a challenge as well and you do need to have a supportive partner to go through the parenthood as well. And belive me it is tough even if it was the biggest dream of my life! So give yourself time, decide what is the best option for you (your age, finicial situation etc) and then talk to him calmly, but sometimes going separate ways it's the best thing that can happen, whatever you choose it won't be easy but I hope you will find your happiness as you both deserve to be happy. Warm hugs and don't give up on your dreams, there are just many ways how we can make them true !!!

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to Lilly2607

Thank you, really kind message

I’m not sure I can see past all the doubt and the way he’s gone about this now. People keep saying to me give him time but I need to think forward (because ttc made me a control freak!) and if I give him time we may have to go through this all again. It doesn’t feel like the right thing now but like you say one day maybe it will xx

Lilly2607
Lilly2607
in reply to OlsonM

Don't give him time, give yourself time.. Think of whatever you feel is the best for you and follow your instinct, noone can know better then you what to do and it seems to me you are a strong women with the desire to go forward and that's already a great advantage, so good luck and smth is telling me you will be OK even if at the moment it doesn't look like this to you!

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to Lilly2607

Thank you so much that’s lovely of you to say

People keep telling me I’m strong but I honestly don’t feel it xxx

Dear OlsonM

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain in your relationship. It is a true rollercoaster and almost broke us too...but what we did was focus on the good, and we said what we loved about each other, and why we got together in the first place. We remembered our wedding day, all the friends we have, the memories we've made together. We all want to be loved and accepted and appreciated. When we focus on the pain and everything that's wrong in the relationship it grows, so there needs to be a paradigm shift to focus on the positive and the good, to emerge out the other side.

11 years of marriage is worth fighting for and we all know marriage isn't easy, but is anything worth doing/having easy?

During IVF, the pressure really mounts up and it's almost like our egg and sperm are commodities and not souls we are creating together... I think the bloke can feel like he's just a sperm bank, and not a loved and integral partner in this process, as it's so clinical. Perhaps focus on the reason you want to have kids together ...I sincerely hope you can work things out.

No one can tell you how to proceed - we can only reflect on what we'd do under the same circumstances...I think if I were in your position now, I'd go ahead with the egg harvest and freeze my eggs, then work on the relationship as so many others have said. I wish I had done that on my first round of IVF... and perhaps done a few egg harvests, and then made sure we were both in the right space to proceed once the pressure was off. At least your eggs then are available for when you need them, as sadly we don't get any younger!

I hope your husband has a change of heart and you both are able to focus on why you got married in the first place. I find Dr Gabor Mate an incredible teacher on past childhood trauma and how that impacts our adult relationships. He's got loads of interviews on YouTube (incl roots of healing) that I've found really helpful. Massive hug to you, and praying for healing in your relationship.

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to FertileMind

Thank you, appreciate the thought that went into that message

I’ve said all of these things to him about throwing it away and it has to be worth it after all this time etc etc. I literally only ever get it’s too late and sorry. Nothing else. This last round wasn’t something he was forced into, if anything he preempted it and we agreed to then draw a line. Can’t keep begging, or wait around for him to hopefully see sense. It’s just too painful xxx

kathgibson22
kathgibson22
in reply to OlsonM

I agree , you shouldn't or have to keep begging. Take this time for you. I bet you are stronger than you realise. You will get your happy ending I'm sure . If it were me I'm not sure I would get over what and how he did this when you were probably already at your lowest point and you needed him to be your rock. I know it's tough on everyone but what a stab in the chest. Sorry not sure I'm helping just know we're all thinking the best for you and here if you need..might be too early but I also have come across a few other couples that separated due to the struggles of ivf and those massively strong women decided to do it alone and now have their miracles. Sending all the best hugs I can to you. Xx

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to kathgibson22

Amazing - thank you for saying all those things

He is moving out tomorrow but I have a lot of support and even his family are helping me more than I imagined

The house is on the market xxx

FertileMind
FertileMind
in reply to OlsonM

Sending love and thoughts. Both of you have to be willing to work at it, you're so right - marriage is a partnership. I'm really sorry. Big hug as you go through this really difficult time. xx

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to FertileMind

Thank you

Lovely message xxx

So sorry to hear this, it is devastating. I was in a similar situation when I thought it was all over . I decided to go it alone as time was really not on my side and he came round.

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to josephnsn

I’m really pleased it worked out for you

I feel how he’s done this is just too cruel and I’m not even sure if there isn’t someone else on the cards for him. Seems to be the running theme with his entire family’s thoughts on the matter xx

josephnsn
josephnsn
in reply to OlsonM

Oh so sorry to hear that. If it is over with him maybe you could go it alone/freeze eggs. Or if age isn't a factor in time you could meet someone else.

Hi Olson,

I'm so sorry you are enduring this during an already challenging time.

I read other's feedback and your replies to them. Although it's been 11 years and fighting for a relationship makes sense this option would only work if both partners agreed on the ultimate goal and if results were negatives what would be left and how you would prevail. This journey is incredibly difficult and I won't lie a few times I thought of throwing in the towel but we kept reminding each other that baby or not we were life partners, we love each other, and we would consider all options before giving up. But it's not easy. It is effort to constantly stay afloat when there's an elephant in the room.

From your comments it appears he's made his decision and it likely was not overnight.

Therapy is a good option but again both partners need to agree on it.

I recommend for you to sit down and write all the pros and cons of the relationship. Start discussing a short break and reevaluation, if the feelings remain consistent then a full break might be necessary.

Personally, I would not focus on the number of years but rather on what can be lost if you continue with a relationship that is failed. Marriage is incredibly difficult and raising a family will not be easy. If he can't handle the difficulties of now, what will happen when things become tough with children involved?

Freeze your eggs when you're ready. Take a vacation (staycation) and clear your mind. Give yourself time and evaluate what YOU need. But make it about you and if truly he's worth fighting for... fight for each other.

But your happiness is the most important thing and if ultimately you're unhappy a baby won't change that. You need to dig deep and find out what's truly happening or has happened.

I wish you best of luck. It's difficult now but time truly heals all wounds.

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to Rella22

Lovely thoughtful message, thank you

Yes, at first I begged and pleaded and felt no matter what was deep down we could do something to fix it

At no point am I saying I didn’t know things were bad and have been for a while but not at “endgame” as he calls this

All I was focusing on was everything we had both agreed to put into the final round to draw a line and yes maybe I did lose sight of what was important (he says this to me all the time) as far as he was concerned US was all that was important (or so he said) but my goal was to be a family and I’m sure I was blinkered by this over anything else

Maybe it’s a female thing but it just took over

He said I was baby obsessed, and I was! But I was obsessed about our baby which I reminded him of. I didn’t even want children for the first 3 years of our relationship (something we agreed on initially), so it was him that made me want to be a family. He always said I didn’t show him I love him enough or that I fancied him and we should still have a honeymoon period and I kept trying to tell him it’s just unrealistic. This is something that’s been going on in his head a very long time as he’s mentioned it a lot over the years. But unless it’s films then this stuff doesn’t happen and I’m given an unrealistic expectation to meet!!

I’ve suffered with mental health over the last few years especially with some very down times

I’m not just slagging him off - he was supportive when it mattered, he just didn’t understand any of it because he says he’s never suffered with mental health (I personally think everyone has in some way).

I basically don’t give him the attention he craves and he had said this to me and others the last couple of days so everyone thinks he’s had his head turned by someone who is giving him that attention he is craving and apparently not getting

He’s always had a higher Sec drive than me (sorry if TMI) which has caused probably easily most months it’s 10 or 12 times (not every single month but you know what I mean) And yes it’s not always “amazing” as it’s been sometimes timed or when your not really in the mood but he always didn’t understand that. He would always say to me if you fancy me you would want to do it and not say no as much or not just for a baby. All I used to say was sometimes women just don’t want to or feel like it. Depression, headaches, tired - the list is endless!! But he didn’t ever understand that (though sometimes he would say he did)

He would always tell me that normal couples do still Have the honeymoon period this far in (he could never tell me who, it was always just “people”) and we should wake up every morning like it’s the last day we’re alive etc etc

All nice thoughts but genuinely unrealistic expectations in my eyes given everything we’ve faced and been through

I’ve had a lot of medical problems my whole life and I’ve had major brain and spinal surgery - some of this when we were together (which again he was very supportive). The point of me m rationing that is life had been hard and has also been for other people and it’s very difficult no matter what to genuinely live your life like that when you’ve struggled with anything for so long

I now just feel punished for not feeling like he does and not being able to live up to his expectations but it’s helping me more when I hear people say that they are unrealistic as I was beginning to think I was maybe wrong and I should feel that way. I just don’t think it’s genuinely possible at this stage in our life

Sorry for the longest message I’ve ever written in my life xxxx

kathgibson22
kathgibson22
in reply to OlsonM

I'm sorry but yes, completely unrealistic! Me and other half have been together 12+ years, the ' honeymoon ' period is well and truly over! ..moreover, I know not one couple who have been together for that amount of time where they are still in that phase . I thought that was normal ..I'm sorry lovely but you are NOT in the wrong at all here. Please believe that. Wish I could just give you a big hug. Xxx

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to kathgibson22

Thank you

People have been saying similar to me. I know no one like that either

I do see couples laughing more granted but they aren’t going through the infertility hell

I did know things were bad but I thought we would just always male it through and that things would be better once that line of treatment was drawn xxx

Rella22
Rella22
in reply to OlsonM

Thank you for taking the time to expand on that. I wholeheartedly agree that those expectations are unrealistic. Wow you are a trooper for having a 10-12 times a month! Ours is non-existent primarily from his side as he has very low sex drive.

Some days it bothers me and other times I'm content. Relationships are tricky!

The honeymoon phase skipped us long ago.

Have you had any talks since?

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to Rella22

It wasn’t always “sexy” if you know what I mean. Sometimes it was definitely because we knew it was the right time etc. That affected him

He had a higher sex drive than me and it bothered him that I didn’t want to jump on him

He presumed that meant I didn’t find him attractive anymore. I did but in a deep loving married kind of way rather than oh your fit!

He wanted that and seems to believe that it’s normal

He just keeps saying he knows if he regrets it down the line that it’s a decision he has to live with but he knows it’s the right thing to do

I said I wish I knew that. I wish I was where he is emotionally xxx

Daisy1245
Daisy1245
in reply to OlsonM

Wow I think he’s completely unrealistic. In my experience the only people who have red hot sex after about 12 months together is either on a movie or one of those Facebook couples who proclaim their undying love and have a constant stream of blissful photos and then break up 2 months later!

Normality and tedium has to kick in at some point. I guess I am lucky in that we have a varied sex life but I would say over 4 years of ttc my sex drive has dropped and dropped and Tbh so has his! We muster up every other day during fertile period (and enjoy it once we get going!) but think we secretly like the ‘sex ban’ ivf imposes as it’s guilt free. Real life means most nights we are stressed/tired/pissed off and we don’t get at it! Then add ivf, miscarriages etc.. well there is a drought!

I am not sure how old your OH is but I often think this obsession with sex life is often either a) an immaturity or b) a reaction to some sort of internal worry that you aren’t ‘as good as his mates relationships’ but the reality is it’s not a competition and they are probably all lying anyway. Only as they get older do they lose the obsession

That is a loooooong winded way of saying - it’s not you .. it’s him (excuse the cliche) he has COMPLETELY unrealistic ideals about real life xx

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to Daisy1245

Thank you

Yes and his friends relationships (the friends I know) are terrible

We’ve always said we had the most loving relationship out of everyone we know

But they all “seemed” happy to him no matter how crappy their relationships were

I feel really down today about everything

Why could I not have been good enough for him?

He’s 38 and his sex drive vs mine has been an issue for years now. He could never understand why I just didn’t want to do it sometimes xx

Hi OlsonM

Allow me to start by saying how sorry I am that you have to endure such a pain.

Fertility journey is truly one of the toughest journeys couples go through.

I know it all too well. The stress of the unknown, the crazy amounts of meds, shots, and trips to the office are overwhelming. Then you add the stress of the meds on our bodies, minds, and soul.

Then comes the stress of our day to day lives, and all in between can truly stir up uncontrollable arguments.

I am very familiar with days like that where at times I felt so lonely, discouraged, scared and NUMB.

Because as hard as the fertility journey can be on a relationship it truly is hard on us woman.

I know I had my moments where I was super hard on myself because I felt like a failure as a woman for not being able to conceive.

I am 44 year old woman whom never wanted kids until I met my husband two years ago whom has a 8 year old daughter from previous marriage . I love my step daughter but wanted and still want one that I give birth too.

I think 11 years together speaks highly of your relationship, and sometimes stepping on the breaks, and taking a minute to regroup helps.

Stress can be a very powerful thing to both in a relationship.

Fighting for what you have now is more important then fighting over the unknown.

I hope this helps, and wish you all the best.

Here if you need to vent!!

Best regards

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to Soliditi

Thank you. I hope this works out for you

I also was a “late to the party” for wanting kids. It was him that made me want them - WITH HIM, which I keep trying to remind him of every time he tells me I got obsessed with having a baby and as he said to me 2 days ago I now apparently just want a baby to “fix” it

Unbelievable!!!

I wrote a ridiculously long message reply above Just now that probably also says a lot about our relationship so I won’t bore people with that information twice. Xxx

Seen your post the other day when my husband had went in one of his periodic huffs (in which he told me he didn't want to try again for baby 2 after our miscarriage in April) and I am only getting back to see your thread now (all OK this end, he was overtired from work and knows how to hit me where it hurts...) This journey really is the biggest rollercoaster 😖

I am really really sorry for what you are going through right now, hopefully it is one of these things where 'everything happens for a reason' and brighter times are ahead for you 🌈🤞 xx

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to MD123

Thank you. Nice to hear other people’s struggles in relationships (usually it’s the opposite that’s voiced!)

So sorry for your miscarriage and wish you all the best for the future with that

Like you say it’s about being hit where it hurts and everyone knows how to push buttons for those closest to them

We definitely did that

This was a knife through the heart and a step too far. Yet I still begged him xx

Times are stressful, praying for you guys

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to TexasRose210

Thank you x

Sorry to hear this. Give yourself time and if you ever need to talk my inbox is always open. Stay strong ❤️ xx

OlsonM
OlsonM
in reply to XxjustmexX

Thank you

❤️ X

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