So today I went into work as I am classed as a key worker as a nursery nurse in a school x with things as they are right now they have put us on a rota system so we only have to go in one day a week. I know I’m very lucky. The downside of this are the questions from people who you don’t normally work with you or know your situation. So the dreaded question was aimed at me “ so do you have children or not?” Due to the coronavirus my 3rd transfer 1st FET was cancelled last Friday. I have struggled massively with this whilst also trying to do my bit at work. My best friend has just announced she is pregnant again and I turn 40 on Tuesday. I had no idea how to answer this question today. I choked out a no and turned away. I’m dreading facing this question over again in the coming weeks. I’m trying to stay strong x sending everyone love and hope when this is all over xx
Strange times!: So today I went into... - Fertility Network UK
Strange times!
Ugh why do people feel the need to ask whether you have children. I've just started being straight up honest with people. Shuts them up. I'm probably not the most liked person! Lol. Although I have managed to make a couple of IVF friends at work who have not been open about their journey, and I wouldn't have known otherwise unless I was being like this. Or just the answer "I would love children" is enough to convey your feelings. A colleague actually asked me how maternity leave was last year (I'd been off just a couple of weeks because of my miscarriage). I don't know how I didn't blurt out crying in her face, but I clearly looked upset because she was so worried she had offended me when I said I don't have children. You're strong. You got this! Sending lots of love. xxxx
I have also considered the straight up honest approach x some days I think I can do it others I don’t x I have found some ivf friends at work and they are a godsend it’s just so strange right now tho x I have been following your journey I’m just a little shy in joining in with conversations x I think you are amazingly strong x
Yes, agree, sometimes I can be honest, and sometimes I can't. I just want to be open with everyone, but that's not how the world works currently. Especially on this subject. So glad you have IVF friends at work. I find they're actually quite hard to find in real life. Thank you for your kind words about me. That feels nice. 😊💕💕💕
Wtf is wrong with people why do they feel entitled to ask whether we do or don’t have children???? Answer them with another question: why you ask? So they’ll feel ashamed to have asked!!! I’m so tired of these stupid questions!!!!!
Answer them with another question lol...... oooooh like "why, do you think I should have children?"
Thank you so much for replying x I’ve been on here for a while it’s just I struggle with confidence to join in with conversations x I’m so sorry you are having such a hard time x yet you find the strength to support others x I wish I could challenge people more and it’s my hope I will find the strength to do that x I’m sending you so much love 💓 xx
You’re very welcome love! It’s not a matter of confidence, sometimes people catch us off guard with their inappropriate questions and we can’t come up quickly enough with a counter questions 😂 but I can assure you, the moment you reply with another question they’ll shut up- try!!! Especially is you ask them ‘why do you ask’ - they won’t know what to answer! And it’s totally a fair question to ask them....xxx
Why are people asking that ?I’m just curious so hope it Dosent offend you.just wondered how the conversation started.i just don’t see how it’s anyone’s business who you don’t know and why people would be so insensitive
Hi I work in a school and people are having to send their children to school whilst we are looking after other people’s children x I hope that makes sense x children are a hot topic right now x they just don’t understand how hurtful they can be x
Unfortunately it's seems to be a standard conversation starter and most people, especially those with children, probably don't even think it could cause offence. I find that's it's quickly shut down by "Sadly no" or "Unfortunately not" or "Things didn't work out how we wanted." If they ask any more I just use the 3rd response and then change the conversation or walk away. I've found most people don't ask anymore and most seem to look pretty embarrassed.
If children ask I say "Not everyone gets to be a mummy or daddy."
Thank you x that’s really helpful x I always struggle to find a response x to have some ready is really good for me ❤️xx
I’m so sorry to hear that your transfer was cancelled. It’s such a big thing to build up to the date to then have it pulled away again. At least you know you have your embryos there ready to go when we get to the other side of this.
It’s so hard when people ask about children. And it gets harder when something happens like your transfer being cancelled and you’re right in the middle of processing it for yourself. To have a standard response ready for yourself is a good plan. But try to remember, even though it is hurtful for you, people who ask are not trying to upset you. For the vast majority it is a question that doesn’t cause any issues at all and just feels like normal conversation, people don’t realise how it feels in this position if they haven’t experienced it. Just think, would you get annoyed and think it was nobody’s business if they asked if you had brothers and sisters?! Unfortunately it’s just one of those rubbish things to cope with that comes with fertility problems. Every time I had a miscarriage my brother suggested that I should just adopt instead cos so many children need a home - it used to infuriate and upset me so much. I yelled at him in the end why did he have his children instead of adopting if he was so worried about those children!!! He had thought he was helping by suggesting another route to becoming a parent.
Stay strong and hopefully you’ll get that fet sooner rather than later if we can all get back to normal. My son was a fet baby after 6 years and many miscarriages. Good luck x
I just take it as the factual question it’s intended as and answer no as Its often a conversation starter and I am sure when it happens for us one day we will be looking for fellow parents to chat to. HOWEVER If anyone dares to follow up with the ‘why not’ question.... the look on my face is enough to tell them they made a mistake 😂 I say either a) I don’t want to b) I can’t c) we are not ready yet or d) we are trying to. All of which is none of your god damn business!!!
I was asked this question so many times...Asian ppl have no filter lol...my family were fine it's in laws. In the end i was like yh we do but it's up to god when he finally helps us...going through IVF! That soon shut them up xx
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