I hope you all are well. I've posted on here a few times and you've all given me fantastic help and support. In fact I feel I can open up here more than my family and friends as you are or have been on a similar journey.
I've been trying for 2.5 years with 2 failed IVF with only 1 immature egg collected from the second round. I did manage to get pregnant in between rounds but miscarried. I would have been due in 3 weeks so I'm finding it so hard to cope with it at the moment. I keep thinking of how big i would have been, how I would have prepared the baby's room and how excited we all would have been. I just keep thinking why me? It's not fair. I feel so angry and upset and I've just found out yesterday my sister in law is pregnant. They were very sensitive and scared in telling us as they knew that it would be hard for us. I'm happy for them but feel so sad deep inside for us. I almost choked up with their news but pretended that i was ok and my feelings didn't matter and what I was going through didn't matter. I am happy for them please don't get me wrong but feel really sad to the point where I don't know what to do...and how I will cope when the news is public knowledge. I want to scream and cry to feel better but feel so numb with it I can't even do that. I feel as though I might end up having a meltdown. I wish I hadn't miscarried... I blame myself for it all. I was going to ask my husband for a divorce so he could may be find someone who can give him a child but he was asleep by the time I went to bed......
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Sofi1
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Please understand that nothing that has happened with regards to your difficulties getting pregnant and the loss of your baby is your fault. Sometimes life just doesn’t happen the way that we want and can be painful and seem unfair.
It’s really hard going through the struggle of not having a child especially when we see it happening so easily for others around us. You did so well to congratulate your brother and his wife and it’s lovely that they were so sensitive to your feelings. You can only take things a day at a time and process your feelings as and when you feel them. This is part of the journey and is necessary for healing.
Have you and your husband talked about next steps after the unsuccessful ivf attempts? Sometimes I find that having a plan makes things easier as it leaves less room to reflect on what hasn’t gone well and to think and plan for better things in the future. I’m sure your husband loves you and wouldn’t want an alternative life without you. He wakes up every day knowing you’re there. You are likely to find that you are his first love and choice. Talk to your husband and listen to what he has to say. Men don’t always understand but they often offer calming direction and much needed reassurance when we, females, are at the mercy of our feelings. I love my husband very much and if he couldn’t have children I wouldn’t prefer to start a new life with someone else for that reason alone and I’m sure your husband feels the same. Children can form a big part of life, but life is also what we make of it in the times that we don’t get the things we want, no matter what value we place on them or how we desperately long for them. Not having children can be all consuming, but if that consumes you to no end, then you lose so much more.
No one can tell you to stop longing and planning for a child, but ultimately we only have so much control over that. You have a right to feel the loss and the anger and to cry and to need time but the tears aren’t water that will make the flowers grow and so we cry but we also have to look at where the sun shines and catch as much of the rays as we can, as opposed to remaining in the shadows and letting other beautiful aspects of life pass us by. My point is to go after your hearts desires and to remain hopeful but don’t turn away from the beauty that you have in your life or the beauty that you can bring to your life even when you don’t have everything you want. Who knows what the future holds for you, but until then the days exist and are only what u make them.
I’m not saying to not be upset because you are going through a lot and sometimes it’s hard to feel any balance when it seems that life is unbalanced in its offering of happiness but you are strong and life can be surprising. It sounds like you have a lovely family so lean on them and take care of yourself...x
Thank you for your kind reassuring words I really that.
My husband has been so supportive and caring and I know he wouldn't want to us to part ways because of this but the guilt consumes me. He has said if we don't have children's it's fine that just how it's meant to be for us. My family are very supportive but I think people don't really understand the pain unless they have been through this journey.
I just can't seem to find a way out of this grief and finding out that my sister in law is pregnant has brought all the pain back.
In terms of the future we are thinking of maybe considering another round of ivf..My first two were via nhs so this would be private either here or abroad. I need to be abit more emotionally and mentally stable before we do. I'm worried I don't have much time either as I am 41.
I just want to say thank you so much for taking time out to message me it did help. I'm going to screenshot it and re-read when I feel like I need assurance that there will be light at the end of the tunnel even if that's something other than a child. I have lost myself in this journey and need to start focussing on the positives
I can identify and praying for better days... don’t give up!
Hey, I wrote a very similar post to this in about May this year... it was mainly around leaving my OH and the guilt I felt not being able to provide him with a child. I know its THE biggest cliche but it does get easier.
Ive had 3 MC now and a CP. Ive had 3 rounds of IVF 2 failed and one BFP but that was one of my MC. I am 42, 43 in March so TOTALLY get your feeling of time ticking away.
I put off TTC as my sister was having IVF and once told me she wouldn't cope if I had a child when she couldnt, so we didnt try for years - now she has a 13 month old, and I have just a string of disasters behind me. They are trying for their second and I know it will happen any time now. The family are obsessed with my nephew and he is the only thing they talk about. it is hard but you do get used to it. And it doesnt stop me loving him.
I don't know how I did it, but I have gradually tried to rediscover my life pre-TTC... because whilst I was in the TTC bubble I couldn't do anything, I was depressed and mourning and no one really knew and no one got it at all and my relationship was suffering and I felt really alone. Over time things have got easier - have had some counselling via someone I found online (hated my clinics counsellor), we put a stop to TTC for 4 months and just went back to being 'us' again which really helped, and gradually I have become less obsessed and found there are other things in life again. I wouldn't say I have forgotten key dates, but they aren't looming down on me months in advance. I can smile at a baby in a pram without it ripping my heart out. I still have my moments but I just feel generally saner about things.
We are debating whether to go with IVF again in the new year, or to try naturally for a few months or to give up completely - but the first thing we are doing is going on holiday over Christmas and new year and just having fun together just being us, remembering why we got together, remembering how lucky we are we can do that as we don't have responsibilities (except our cats), drinking and eating as much as we like without worrying about IVF diets. I guess rediscovering fun again.
Give yourself a huge hug and a huge break. You have been through so much with very little support (as is the nature of IVF), you are FULL of hormones and most importantly its all really normal. Please try and find some counselling (happy to recommend my lot they are remote) and do have a read of my post and the responses I got when I posted it there were so many wise words on there.
You are doing really well - keep going - you can do it. Huge hugs xx
Thank you Daisy1245 I did read your posts it is so difficult and unfair isn't it? You are so brave after 3 misscarriage and ivf. I feel so deflated and sometimes forget that there have been other on the same journey. I just feel so negative sometimes I've noticed I feel negative about others around me too. I need to snap out of it as it's making me become a completely different person...I think social media doesn't help when you look at everyone else having a good life! I feel so bad for feeling like that. I have requested counselling. I went for a session at the clinic which was rubbish. I felt she was only there for the gossip!
I have tried to take your advice and trying to build up my social life as I used to have before.
I think I probably will try ivf again but I'm thinking maybe going for the mild ones as that is supposed to improve egg quality.
I am wishing and praying that you do get your blessing too.
You’re welcome Sofi. I get, it and so do so many others. However it sounds like you really do have a lovely family and a loving husband who support you which counts for so much.
You also have nothing to feel guilty about or to be sorry for. You did nothing wrong! There really are so many factors which determine a successful pregnancy and if you had a choice your baby would be here. To blame yourself is to feel responsible and you’re not. I can’t see you choosing to inflict this pain on yourself so be kind to yourself. This is a very sensitive time for you, but you didn’t chose this and sometimes, most times, life just happens.
Obviously we can’t dismiss the things that trigger us or which remind us of our own circumstances and so you have a right to feel down especially in the aftermath of your brother’s news but we get chose the direction we go in next and those choices becomes our life.
Right now my sister is the only sibling of 5 of us who is single, unmarried and without children. Her status terrifies her, she is lonely and feels like time is passing her by. Children aren’t an option for her until she meets someone and that is outside of her control as is whether she’ll then be blessed with a child. We’re all on different pages and different rungs of the ladder, some considered further up than others, but you’re not at the bottom and so much can still happen.
I don’t know whether you’ve had counselling, but a lot of people find it useful and it may enable you to feel more mentally and emotionally stable and prepared if you are planning to privately find going forward. I hope children are a part of your future, but I also hope you find peace and happiness in all you have if things work out differently.
Thank you for your kind words. It has been a terrible journey. As for counselling I've been recommended via work. However my first appointment isn't until January.
I have been feeling a little better the last few days but I think when I see my sister in law at the weekend the feelings will be triggered again.
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Feeling so down today can't stop cryng.
Not sure where i am anymore 
Seriously low day today - sister in law had baby in night and I feel like crap! 😢😢😢
I can't wait for January 
