I am feeling so drained and lost in my personal life. Since my ectopic last year I threw myself into my career and I’m delighted to now have a promoted post and a job I am loving! We were then hit by more negativity when none of our Frosties implanted. 💔 Our refurbishments in our new home are looking amazing and I continue to have a very close and supportive network of friends and family around me. However, the isolation that infertility fills me with when my husband has to work away breaks my heart. I can’t help but cry when I look into our empty rooms in our home. I feel that my life is playing one hard trick on me as I would give everything that has gone well this year up to have a baby with my husband. This embarrassment and feelings of failure that haunt me simply will not shift. Sorry for the lengthy post but I just can’t figure out what I am doing wrong? It’s so hard when everyone around me is moving on with their families - having 2/3 children by now.
Apologies for being a negative Nancy! Infertility just hurts so badly xx
Hi Pandora, you are not alone I joined this site due to exactly the same feelings as you. I waited until the time was right and everything in my life was in place and thought I would choose to have a baby and it would happen. 4 years later (1 year after diagnosis) and it hasn't and I am now on medication. I don't talk to anyone other then parents and OH. I feel embarrassed and I don't want sympathetic glances so I shrug the awkward questions and say 'its my choice not to have kids'. The emotions are all over the place and its hard for anyone to really understand how im feeling so try and deal with them alone as much as possible. If you ever need to chat or rant please feel free to message me
Thank you so much for your reply - brought more tears to my already red eyes. I know exactly what your are describing!
I have a huge family gathering/party tomorrow that begins at 3pm and will probably go on well into the night (knowing our lot😂) for my Granny’s 80th birthday. All my cousins my age and some a lot younger are going with their children/babies. I’m literally the only one of the ‘older lot’ without any babies. I get on so well with everyone and we are very close but I can feel their pity towards me when I’m around! Maybe I’m being paranoid...
My extended family don't know my circumstances - I just can't find the right words and I don't think I could cope with their 'pity'. It is hard though because I have built this persona of 'the person who has chosen not to have kids' so I sometimes get insensitive comments like 'oh you can tell your not a child person' - when in fact my reaction to a newborn is down to my own sadness of seeing what I can't have but is seen as me not being a 'child person'. Pretty much all my family now have children and actually I wouldn't be surprised if my younger relatives start having children in the next 3 years so that will be hard. I think its so difficult when you are going through something like this but you don't feel like you can be honest, because you feel isolated and like your failing - especially with the treatments and how they knock you about
Life is probably looking depressing and pointless right now but you have to keep fighting. Over the past few weeks I've felt down and lost myself as I don't really have a sense of belonging and sometimes it's hard to get through day to day life. I'm trying to fight through it and going on until life gets better in the future so I can enjoy myself again. Message me if you want to talk.
I totally understand the part about feeling isolated. That was the reason I joined this forum. But just know that you aren’t on your own, and there’s always someone to talk to on here. I know it’s hard at times, and I have had a rubbish last two days. Asking myself what is wrong with me, and feeling like a failure. Crying constantly about the situation we’re in. It is really hard so don’t beat yourself up about it. I think the feelings are completely normal. But we will get there, as hard as it is 😊 I’m here if you ever want to talk xx
Me too! Because as we know you can’t just get on with it. For me it’s all I think about it, and it’s so so hard mentally to deal with. We too have empty rooms and I feel it when I’m on my own the most. But honestly don’t give up because one day this will all be worth it ❤️ xx
I feel this could have been me writing this post! I too have a happy set-up with just children missing. It is so so hard!!! I too put out a “strong” persona but inside I am crying. All my friends are getting pregnant now and I’ve had to distance myself as I just can’t cope. I went out with one friend last night and she was talking about all these people who have fallen pregnant. She is also now pregnant. I came home and now I feel utterly deflated.
My husband is amazing and has been so strong but he admitted this morning he gets panicky about it quite a lot. The thing I find hardest is that I can’t control this. I want it so much. But by having a plan it helps with the out of control feelings. It’s all so exhausting. Until our surgery I’m just throwing myself into my work and keeping away from people. I have to prioritise myself now.
Where are you on your fertility journey. Are you going to try IVF again?
I am also very panicky about it 😭 I don’t know whether to try again or to go down route of adoption. My husband and I are going on holiday soon so will have a discussion re next steps from there. What about yourself? How is your journey going? Xxxx
A break will be good for you. Distance and time away will help. I had an ectopic last year when I found out I had endometriosis. We’ve had one failed IVF cycle. I’m going for laparoscopy surgery in 2.5weeks to help “tidy things up”. This wasn’t done when I had my ectopic as it was emergency surgery. Sometimes everything feels so surreal. You are strong and brave and you will be fine. Some of the positive stories on here give me so much hope! Xxxx
I feel so similar to you. We have been trying for nearly 4.5 years and I can’t quite believe our lives have turned out like this. We both have good jobs and a nice house and often get comments like ‘you’re going on another holiday? Wish we could afford that but kids are so expensive!’ I would give it all up for a baby. In fact I plan to leave my stressful job if I ever have one. I thought we would have our family in this house but now we are moving into the countryside and I’m thinking maybe our ‘real’ life will start in that house with a family. I just feel like a huge thing is missing. My husband told virtually everyone we know and I really hate their pity and feel like I can’t hide my feeling from them because they know.
Sorry for the long moan but my husband is away and I’m feeling really low today! You are not alone Xxx
Aww it’s so hard and even thought everyone’s journey is different, it’s clear we all feel the same heartbreak. It’s difficult in a world where so many people are having kids they didn’t plan for or want, when we are really struggling.
Please remember it’s nothing you’re doing wrong and you shouldn’t be embarrassed. It’s easy to say all this of course but I do feel it too. There’s no logic to life and it’s certainly not fair.
I’m so sorry to hear how you are feeling, it’s not your fault never blame yourself. I have done that over the years we were struggling & at times I hated myself for not being able to make my hubby a father. It got a bit better when we finally got a diagnosis for the infertility ( after 5 year & 10 months after TTC 🙄) I have endometriosis which grew in places that affected implantation. I felt oddly better once I knew it was “ nothing I was doing wrong “ why do we always do that ☹️ We watched every family member & friend have baby after baby it was so painful. We conceived twice after it was treated - one was a early miscarriage & the next time was our 3 week old daughter. It took us 7 years of TTC, 3 surgeries to treat my endometriosis, one miscarriage but we got lucky & had our daughter. I’m so glad we didn’t give up ( felt very close to it) & look at her & feel grateful everyday for her. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but when I look at my daughter it was the best thing we ever done. It’s a cruel difficult journey & I don’t know why some of us have to fight so hard to have a baby ☹️ it’s okay to have bad days when it feels too much & allow yourself to feel how ever you want to , give yourself a break & treat yourself maybe to something you can’t do pregnant ( no consolation I know ☹️ Miracles can happen & believe you will have your baby 🙂 it will be worth it ❤️xoxo
in reply to
Congratulations- you sound like a proper fighter. I hope your daughter is doing great. Thank you for the positive post 🥰 xxxx
Really sad to read your post and hear how you are feeling. You are doing nothing wrong, you didn't choose to have fertility problems. I remember feeling how you are and it's really hard, nobody who hasn't gone through it will understand the pain of infertility.
Have you looked into fertility counselling? I found it really beneficial after my failed round. It also helped me to understand how to deal with people around me through the process, including my husband, who dealt with things differently to me.
Remember you are not alone and talking is good. It sounds like you have a supportive network so that's good. And I found this forum a huge support.
Wishing you all the best. Hopefully one day this will be a distant memory for you.
Thank you for your kind words. I’ve always turned down the counselling but it maybe is something that I should consider. My down days are getting worse.
This forum is a really supportive and I’m so glad I stumbled on it xxxx
I think a lot of people are a bit unsure about counselling, I was too. But if you find the right person (and I would imagine someone specialising in fertility issues would have to be) it's great.
My partner refused to go but that sort of worked out for the best as I could be really open about how I felt without feeling like I was pointing the blame.
Infertility is like grief. You'd never be expected to just get on with things after losing a loved one, so apply the same principle to infertility!
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I joined this site due to exactly the same feelings as you. I waited until the time was right and everything in my life was in place and thought I would choose to have a baby and it would happen. 4 years later (1 year after diagnosis) and it hasn't and I am now on medication. I don't talk to anyone other then parents and OH. I feel embarrassed and I don't want sympathetic glances so I shrug the awkward questions and say 'its my choice not to have kids'. The emotions are all over the place and its hard for anyone to really understand how im feeling so try and deal with them alone as much as possible. If you ever need to chat or rant please feel free to message me 
but is seen as me not being a 'child person'. Pretty much all my family now have children and actually I wouldn't be surprised if my younger relatives start having children in the next 3 years so that will be hard. I think its so difficult when you are going through something like this but you don't feel like you can be honest, because you feel isolated and like your failing - especially with the treatments and how they knock you about 
Struggling with secondary infertility 
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Really struggling with infertility 
