I would have been 16 weeks in 2 days. I cant stop thinking about anything else other than my loss, and where I would be right now. Bump surely showing and getting ready to feel first kicks 😢 I just dont think I'm ever going to be ok. This is all too hard. I've dealt with alot of things in my life but this is all too much. Ithis sounds terrible but I cant stand to look at children or babies anymore. They used to make me happy and smile but now I dont even want to see them in the streets. I used to be happy for everyone's BFPs and milestones and now I just feel hurt and jealous. Oh what have I become 😢 theres just no point in anything anymore. How do you ladies carry on? I'm getting worried that i just wont be able to. My heart is literally empty and shattered 💔😓
It's just too hard 😢: I would have... - Fertility Network UK
It's just too hard 😢
You sound so heartbroken, this is so sad to read. I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. I don’t want to sound naff but have you tried counselling? I’ve had to cope with trauma outside of infertility and I found it has really helped. Are you able to take yourself away for a holiday or a break at all? Xxxx
I've tried counselling after dealing with multiple sudden deaths in my family, it's never really helped. And no we dont have the money for a holiday....or more IVF unfortunately. Also having no family at all around me is just making things even worse 😓 I just want my baby back 💔
Thanks for your reply star xx. Unfortunately I dont have the choice to fight on as I dont have the money for more IVF. I think that's the hardest part, that after everything I've been through it's time to face facts I will probably never be a mother or have a family 😓💔
Hi hon
I am really sorry for your loss
Had to face a similar situation with you as at 11wks I had a miscarriage.
This was the only BFP that I had and our 4 cycle (all self funded, which means that we are in a lot of debt) and I will be in July 43yrs old.
It has been heartbreaking! We were close to telling everyone of our good news when this earthquake hit us.
Since we are already in a lot of dept I couldn't see how we could have another chance...
My other half though convinced me to borrow from the bank one more time as this would now definitely be our last chance...and we don't want to miss out on having our child due to the 'stupid' money situation. As long as we are healthy we will work to pay back the debt. But having a baby can only happen (if god permits) now.
If this next time fails, we will start the process for adoption, as there are a lot of unfortunate kids that just need a good home and lots of love! It doesn't really matter where they came from
So, is there anyway that you can get credit and borrow the amount needed for 1 last chance? If this is not a viable option, can adoption be the next step for you on the journey of parenthood?
Sending you lots of positive thoughts
Oh hun I'm so very sorry for your loss 😓 I too miscarried at 11 weeks 💔 I thought we had made it past the scariest part and was so excited that it was actually happening. I cannot borrow anything right now as I am out of work because of my depression and anxiety. My partner is a mechanic but can only work part time as he has bad rheumatoid arthritis and his hands seize up. So it's a bit tough right now and well my clock is ticking. I am unable to adopt because of my mental health background which is stupid because I am stable now, but I tried to do something stupid a few years back after my mum suddenly passed, so that is forever hanging over my head. So there goes that option too. I am just out of options and dont know what to do 😢💔 thank you for your kind message and I hope your next round works for you xxx
Hey x sorry to hear u feeling this way. It understandable you are feeling this way. It is one of the hardest things to go through. Feels so heavy and unfair at times. Can def relate as would’ve been around 20 weeks now if all been ok 😢. So rubbish. Hard to know what could help apart from keep going. Take care of u and take the time u need to get through this. Xx
Thaak you hun, and I'm so very sorry for your own loss. This is all so heartbreaking and unfair 💔😓
Niki I’m so deeply saddened. I’m sorry for your loss. I know words won’t take away the pain and only time will, but I want you to know you’re not alone in this journey. It is so incredibly difficult and heartbreaking to endure that loss.
But with time it will get easier. Take it one day at a time, try to meditate and rest for a while. I’m not sure if you’re in a position to try again but please keep fighting.
Sending you lots of love ❤️
Thank you Rella. I'm just trying to get through each day but it's becoming more difficult, not better 😔 you ladies are the only ones who understand and I hate sounding like a pity party but I'm just so broken. I would keep fighting if I could but its sadly not an option for me. Thank you for your kind words 💗 xx
Hey honey! I still do the same as you, count the weeks wondering how I would look and feel. Sadly I dont think it really goes away, Im pretty sure we all do this after a loss. Im not really sure how any of us get through this and we all deal with our grief in different ways and have different ways on coping. Just sending you big hugs, cheesy as it sound only time can heal you.xx
But that's the thing time is not healing anything...but making it worse! As I know my clock is ticking away and well those batteries will be dead soon. I hate sounding like a pity party, we've all had it rough on this stupid heartbreaking journey, but you girls are the only ones who understand. I dont talk to my partner as well hes not one for talking about emotions, I have no family here and the couple good friends I do have I hate unloading on them even though they tell me it's ok. I keep trying to be the happy funnh person I used to always be, but she is truely dead and gone now. There is just no joy anymore. Except when I look at my puppy dog hes the only thing keeping me going right now 💗 xxx
Im so sad that you are truly struggling, just remember how someone else is feeling is never going to be the same as you, nor how they cope will be the same as you! If talking to us on here to even just get things off your chest then that is ok! Keep spending time with you lovely pup and get yourself out into the fresh air as much as possible, he brings you so much joy and comfort so that's definitely a good thing. The only thing I would say is even if your OH isnt showing too much emotion still talk to him, you may not get much in the way of talking back but hugs are what you need right now. Take whatever you can from the ones around you, Im sure you would do the same for them had roles been reversed. Lots of love.xx
Thanks hun having you girls to get things out really helps. I think my dreaded period is due soon so I'm feeling extra emotional I think. I hope your getting excited and ready for your upcoming FET do you have a date yet? Xxx
Well that's the main thing, if being on here for some comfort helps even if its just for a bit then thats all that counts. I dont have a firm date yet but planning for the 17th June. Not sure if Im excited thanks, nervous and worried more than anything....got butterflies just thinking about it but I'll get there.xx
Yeah I know how you feel. The clinic want me to come in and discuss things and have a follow up I just dont know if I'm ready yet. I've everything crossed for you this round, I think a new donor is going to be the ticket! 💕🙏 xxx
Thanks Niki! Just go at your own pace lovely, no need to rush back to clinic if you dont feel ready!xx
Aw Niki_B, my heart goes out to you😢. Just remember miracles do happen🙏🙏xx
I have no words for you. I’ve never even been pregnant and that’s heartbreaking enough, I can’t begin to imagine the overwhelming pain that you are feeling. Surround yourself with love, I truly hope that you slowly start to find some comfort and that your pain begins to ease.
Sending love 💕
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is very heartbreaking. When I had my loss in July 2017 I didn’t start feeling better until what would’ve been my due date (5th April 2018) & my loss was much earlier ( a few days after our first positive test) my hubby although heartbroken accepted the loss far better than I did. Like you I knew how far I would’ve been & it was so painful. I can’t imagine a loss that late 😢
I didn’t think we would ever get pregnant again. I was lucky in the sense once endo was surgically removed I could conceive naturally but my endo became worse after my loss & I had to persuade the medics it was back ( they didn’t believe me said it couldn’t grow so quickly) it was frustrating but luckily I had a good fertility doctor who supported me through it & without his intervention I would not have fallen again ( this is after 2 more surgeries post loss thanks to his referrals ) both of us never thought we’d ever have a baby we had almost given up. There is always hope. Obviously I don’t know your circumstances but I really hope that somehow it can happen for you ❤️
I wish had better words of comfort but I do believe you will start feel better once the due date has passed. I am sorry you haven’t got the support you so need. I hope posting here has helped you ( even just temporarily) I didn’t find much support in the UK after our loss & people don’t like discussing miscarriages so a lot of the time I felt pretty alone.
You have us here so you aren’t alone xxx
My heart really goes out to you!! I just had a negative after first cycle and struggling big time so I hate to think how you must be feeling right now. Like you I can’t afford anymore cycles but considering embryo donors as being more affordable option but still take time to save. I just contacted CCG to inquire on appealing for nhs funding and were quite rude so majorly psst right now!! I’m not sure what to advise but please don’t lose hope yet x
It's so unfair, so cruel hon. My heart goes out to you. I know there's not really anything I can say but please know I'm thinking of you and sending up a little prayer that with time you can regain some serenity and peace of mind. Take care of yourself xxx
Tha is so much hun, means alot💗 I hope you and baby are well 💕 xxx
Hi Niki_B,
I know it's not easy... i've faced myself somes losses along the way... like you I don't have my near family around me only my husband... The latest lost was a m/c @ 7 weeks. I was so devastated that my doctor advised me to seek conselling. I only had 2 sessions but somehow it helped me to move on. I usually say that now I have 4 angels in the sky looking up for me. I kept moving for me and to honor them. fortunately I can carry on with my fertility treatments.
It's not easy but try to see the good things you have in your life... you will never forget your lost but time will help!
You don't know what the future holds for you... I hope you get the family you want!
Good luck!
Thank you so much hun. And I'm so very very sorry for your losses that is just horrible and so cruel. This journey can be so unfair. I hope you get your rainbow baby one day im sure you will, you just need to persist if you can. Thanks again for your kind words 💕💗
Thinking of you sweetie. I wish I could say or do something to make it a little easier. Feel free to reach out whenever you need or want xx
Thank you hun. It's just so unfair 😔 and I just read your post about your hcg how horrible for you. You cant even move on or grieve fully with all this going on 😓 I read a story of this foing on for a lady for months...and she had that shot a few times. But hers was quite a high beta and it would go down and then go back up again. Did they say what your number is? And it's not rising is it? Gosh I hope it goes down soon for you so you can finally try and move on. I was lucky in the sense where I've just had a period almost exactly 4 weeks after my miscarriage so everything is cleared. I think the medical management they gave me (vaginal pills) really helped expel everything quickly and everything back to normal now 😔 xxx
It really is unfair isn’t it. It’s rising but not as it should. I’ve gone from 28, to 42, to 50, to 60, to 84 and now it’s sitting at 209. Hopefully when I retest of Tuesday it has reduced so we ban begin to get some closure.
I’m really glad that the management they gave you helped and your cycles have returned as normal. One tiny good thing. Sending lots of love xx
I am so sorry to read this. My heart goes out to you. I have tried to conceive for 10 years and we finally got pregnant lady Nov to only miscarry at 12 weeks. My heart still feels broken and I don't think will ever recover completely. Try and surround yourself with positive people who make you feel better. It will take time to heal and gradually you will feel a bit better. I still have terribly low days where I can't stop crying. Life just isn't fair. But know you are never alone, we are always here going through something similar.
Please look after yourself.
I got a lot of comfort from the Mariposa Trust and the book 'saying goodbye' by Zoe Clark-Coates. I hope it helps you too xxx
Hi hun thank you. Gosh yes I know you miscarried at 12 weeks just awful hun I'm so sorry 😓 like me I've been trying to conceive for about 7 years and to finally be pregnant and then get ripped away is so cruel isn't it 😢 do you have any embryos or will be having another round? We have 1 embryo left a tad worse quality then the last one and then that's it, we dont have money for a 3rd round. So sadly looks like the end of the road and the thought if that just literally breaks my heart 💔
Thank you hun I'm going to look for that book. I was lucky in the sense I passed baby in hospital as they make you use a pan over the toilet so they can see what you passed so I was bor to take baby home and bury him or her in the garden u der a beautiful rose Bush I bought, so it's nice to know baby is ther and close to me 😓
I hate who I've become, ive become so bitter and jealous of babies, bfps and pregnancies. I was never like that before my miscarriage. It's just so unfair 😔 I hope I dont feel this way forever 💔💗
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