How to tell people to mind their own business!

[Starryeyes1984]

So at a christening yesterday my mum’s friend (family friend for 25 ish years) took me to one side to pray at me and tell me ‘my time will come’. She also did this at Christmas in front of other people just after her daughter in law had told me about her pregnancy and with her 7 other grandchildren running around. It upset me at Christmas but it seems she is going to say something every time she sees me and I’m still not pregnant. I may never be pregnant as I have an amh of 0.1. I hope that donor eggs will work one day but there are no guarantees in life and there are enough reminders about what we’re missing without her having to point it out to me. She doesn’t know what we’re going through but I shouldn’t have to tell her - it’s really none of her business. Her behaviour, even if it’s well intentioned, is so insensitive and patronising! I’ve asked my mum to politely tell her to stop and my mum has told me to deal with it myself so now I’m annoyed with my mum as well. Being respectful to your elders is really important in my culture but if she does this again I feel like I have to say something if not for myself then for all the other single people and couples without kids that she’s no doubt also irritating! I don’t want to give away that we’re having issues as frankly I don’t trust her so any suggestions about best way to deal with her would be much appreciated!

[RedHope]

Hey you,

I know how you feel. It’s so difficult to offer advice as it does involve family and now your feelings towards your mother may be affected. My advice is if it is grating on you that one day you may just blow up at her one day and your delivery and content of the message maybe one that you will regret.

And whilst if you believe in god, someone praying for you is an act of kindness but with this emotional roller coaster of infertility is tough enough as it it, and as you mentioned it is reminding you of what you don’t have is making you feel uncomfortable 🥵 makes finding a response that more difficult.

Do you know what the issue is? Is it her saying she is praying for you? or is it that she is saying it in front of people or to you?

Xxx

[Starryeyes1984 in reply to RedHope]

To be honest everything about it annoys me. If people want to pray that’s fine but it’s presumptive to assume the object of your prayers wants to participate when you don’t know their religious leanings or state of mind at that time. It’s embarrassing to do it in public and makes me feel self conscious and paranoid like my childlessness is on display. I am having to adjust to the idea of being child free but not by choice and her comments make me feel like regardless of how much I might try to look for positives in my future other people will pity me and tell me that my life is missing something. Or maybe I’m just being over sensitive and unfairly projecting my feelings onto what she’s said?

[KiraJean]

So, I totally understand how you feel. No one has prayed for me, but people tell me to 'relax' or 'it will happen' all the time. Which sort of feels like they are denying my medical diagnosis of infertility. Starryeyes, feel free to rant away, you are in good company on this site. Much love to you xx

[Militarywife7]

I would have a discussion with her the next time you see her and bring her to one side to explain that it makes you feel uncomfortable and upset. If she wishes to pray for you then you would kindly ask her to do so in private as its highlighting emotions for you each time she does this in front of other people. I myself have had to ask close family members not to be over optimistic as its never guaranteed. Good luck x

[Yammie1973]

Hello

My comments may not help but personally if anyone did tell me they are praying for me and told me to that my time would come, I'm afraid that I have reached a stage in my life and in my infertility journey to tell this 'precious woman' where to get off in such a way that she would enjoy the journey!! My mother-in-law is just such a woman. My brother and sister-in-law have given her a 'platinum' grandchild through IVF but she keeps hinting at us to 'get with it' and if necessary, go get medical help...just like J &J did!! There is nothing more hurtful than having something you are desperate to have yourself, thrust in your face time after time. Your mum has passsed the buck onto you and it isn't fair of her either so I don't envy you that relationship at present. Pull this woman aside and 'respectfully' tell her in a no nonsense sort of way that should you want children or not, if you can/can not have children, it is none of her business and to please not keep hinting/inferring that you should have children and that it is hurtful and unhelpful to keep raising the subject in public. As the B&Q advert says - 'just do it', pull off that band aid quickly and get ot over with otherwise you either spend your time avoiding this woman or enduring her rants everytime you see her. Good luck, I have a feeling you are going to need it.

[Starryeyes1984 in reply to Yammie1973]

I am currently in the tell her where to go frame of mind but appreciate that it’s fresh so I’m more annoyed about it. She also has form having taken me aside several times over the years basically to tell me to get on and get married (as if it’s a unilateral process) and questioning my decision to end a relationship when I was 27 because I feared it was becoming abusive (she thought someone else’s wedding weeks after the breakup was the best time to grill me on whether I was sure I’d made the right choice). Hilariously at her daughters bridal shower she gave a little speech to us about how the husband is the head and the woman is the neck - the woman’s role being to support her husband. I’m just sick of her old school rubbish basically and have tolerated stuff like this for years but being infertile has been and is still incredibly painful so I don’t feel able to tolerate anything she has to say about the status of my womb!

[Hidden]

Agree with Yammie! Couldn’t have put it better myself. I would for your mental well being avoid this women at all costs. This journey is difficult enough as it is without others interfering. No disrespect to anyone’s religion but cannot see “praying” for someone particularly useful. Infertility is a medical condition which often requires medical intervention. Nor is it helpful to tell those suffering from infertility to “relax”. This level of ignorance makes me so angry! All the preying & relaxing would not have helped remove my endometriosis so that I could get pregnant ( after a 7 year struggle & 3 surgeries to treat endometriosis & 1 early miscarriage I am 30 weeks pregnant)

People should think before opening their mouths but sadly they don’t & most people just don’t get it 🙄

Be selective who you spend your time with put yourself first.

Wishing you the best on this journey & hope you get your miracle baby ❤️✨xoxo

[Elynn]

I'm sure she means well but you need to talk to her before she does it again. Be polite but firm.

[Starryeyes1984 in reply to Elynn]

I’ve asked her daughter to speak to her politely on a no names basis! Her daughter said that would be easy cause she’s like this with everyone so would have no idea who the message was coming from!

[Novice_knitter]

Sorry you’re experiencing this unwanted attention from this relative. I’d hate to be on the receiving end of that. You’re right, it’s none of her business. I would try to speak to her before she does it again, at least then you can take control of the situation rather than say anything in reaction to her comments.

I’d maybe politely ask that she doesn’t make public declarations to you or anyone else about what she is praying for, for you. And emphasise to her that she doesn’t really know what you want at this stage in life and it’s making you feel uncomfortable that she’s making assumptions about your situation. Good luck hun xx

[Slowlyat55]

Just in case you want more advice, here’s mine. You don’t owe her any kind of explanation of why you want her to stop patronizing you in these ways. Your feelings of hurt and anger are honest and justified and you are completely within your rights to act on them. Next time you see her, take her aside and tell her something along the lines of, “I appreciate that you are trying to care for me but when you tell me things like you are praying for me or I should do x or y, it upsets me. I need you to stop. If you can’t do that, then I will no longer be in your presence. Thank you for understanding.” End the conversation there and walk away. You may, one time at most, I’m guessing, have to leave the gathering but I doubt it. It is not disrespectful to your elders to let them know if they are harming you. Nor is it disrespectful to nurture your own mental health when that is necessary. Be brave.