My husband and I are going through ICSI and after 5 years of waiting we are almost ready to start the injections. We decided together that we wouldn't tell anyone (as I didn't need the extra pressure - especially from a very keen family) but due to this I now don't have anyone to talk to.
Ive also lost over 6 stone in the last few years to get on the waiting list, however I'm struggling to keep it off. At my last appointment the doctor told me that I needed to lose 6lbs or I wouldn't continue with the treatment (I was 6lb over the limit for my 'BMI'). The pressure is unbelieveable and I feel like a total failure. I know its for my own benefit but I don't think going through it alone is helping my mental health and I want to be as mentally prepared throughout this process.
Am I being unrealistic? Does anyone ever feel prepared for all of this?
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Clark2018
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Well done losing 6 stone, what an achievement 😊 just keep focused to lose the last 6lbs, you can do it!!
Could you tell your parents so at least you have someone to talk to as it is an emotional rollercoaster. I’ve only told a few people as like you didn’t want the extra pressure but I def recommend telling someone, it has really helped me as has this forum, the ladies on here are brilliant 😘😘 x
Hi Clark, I didn’t tell anybody about our IVF either it was just me and my husband who knew and yes it is lonely at times but I rather not have any insensitive comments from people that don’t understand!!
I told everyone and found it cathartic. On our first round my hubbie didn’t want to tell his parents so therefore we also didn’t tell mine and it was really stressful. Everyone is different but maybe you and hubbie could agree a safe person to tell as a “secret”? Alternatively could you get counselling or something like fertility reflexology or acupuncture to give you a release?
Congratulations, you have already achieved so much! You really can do the last bit as well!
In the beginning I did not tell my familiy either, because I thought they would not understand (none of them had any sort of fertility issues, on the contraty it seems that all my familiy is getting pregnant as soon as they want to). But the pressure inside me was building up and at some point it was too much, so I told them. Not everyone, just my mum and my husbands aunt (as I started to cry because of her insensitive comments about having babies). But since then I am feeling so much better, I never would have thought so, but with telling them most of my pressure was falling off and I am super reliefed now. Now she also understands better why I am sometimes behaving like I do.
Well done on losing all that, that’s fab! We have t told anyone about our journey only both sets of parents. It does help to have someone there. But I understand that everyone is different. Wishing you all the very best xxx
I didn’t tell our parents as I didn’t want all the questions and I don’t turn to them for support. I think you might be surprised if you tell a couple of people- there were a couple of people who I told and it turned out they had gone through IVF themselves as well. I told a few close friends because it is nice to have the support- one of my best friends sent me a lovely package for my 2ww. Obviously your other half is a support but they are in the situation so sometimes they are stressed about it too.
Well done on the weight loss! Do you have any emotional triggers for eating? Sometimes getting into the habit of going for a short walk instead of eating can help. Or look at a calorie tracking app. Are you eating the same things as when you lost weight? If you have gone back to the same food you were eating before, then I am afraid, the weight will come back.
Just want to say wow to losing that weight congratulations you’re amazing 6 more lbs you’ll smash it good luck XX
Everyone is different and what's right for you may not be right for others. I found that having some people to talk to really helped. We didnt tell at the start but as things progressed and the longer it went on (been doing IVF for 3 years now) I had to miss out on more and more things I then started telling people. The only downside is that although its nice to be asked how its going it also feels like its the only thing I talk about now....which really isnt helpful as its on my mind pretty much all the time. Huge pat on the back for losing all the weight, that's a great acheivement....keep going, you can do this!!xx
That’s an amazing achievement losing the weight! Well done you! The last little bit can be really hard but have faith in yourself, you’ve come so far, you can do it!
As for not telling anyone... I’m not at the ICSI/IVF stage yet (waiting on appointments to get started), but totally get the not telling people. I started out telling and talking to a few close friends about our struggles, they are now all pregnant and have all said insensitive things to me so friends I don’t talk to anymore. Family wise, both sets of parents know but I’m not close to my parents so barely talk to them about it, DH’s parents do not understand the heartache and continually say we should ‘just relax’. I do really struggle not having friends/family to really talk to about it all.
So my advice would be, if you feel you need that support and someone to talk to, what about someone who is a health professional but not a friend or family - counsellor or even an acupuncturist can help. I know the things I tell my acupuncturist really helps me. Plus she deals with lots of people with fertility issues so doesn’t say insensitive things. Telling family/friends doesn’t always mean you have them to talk to about it (as most don’t understand). xx
We only told a couple of family members at our first round. Unfortunately, 1 of them decided to talk to a friend about it as we had just failed our first ICSI round and she was pregnant. That friend then decided that it was open house and had an open discussion with other members of our family who didn't know, including my terminally ill mother-in-law who we specifically decided not to tell as she worries about everything and she had more than enough to deal with at the time.
After that, we only told 1 person & family still don't know that it took us to the 4th attempt to get pregnant & they may never know.
I can understand not telling people but it was good for me to have a release when things were going wrong as it is a very lonely journey & men don't seem to understand as much.
Is there someone that you would really trust that you could speak to? x
Its very difficult and everyone is different. I've always been open about it with my friends, family and a couple of work colleagues. We kept the actual timings of the first cycle a secret because didn't want the added pressure but it made it even harder to tell people it had failed. For the second cycle I've continued to be open so friends and family are nearly getting a blow by blow account. I feel much better being open about it this time round as my natural state is to blab away about my issues as just talking helps so much. I appreciate that no one will understand it even if they haven't been through it themselves but they can still provide a release. This group is great for venting too. xx
Wow well done to you! That is amazing and you should be so proud of yourself. I'm sure that you can lose the last 6lbs
We initially told family about IVF and it was great at first as they were really supportive, I also told a couple of ladies in work as they would have had to cover my work during treatment. Little did I know that it was going to take years to get to the stage of starting treatment! I also had to lose weight 2.5 stone which I did (put on a bit now so need to get back to the gym).
When we stated treatment in Feb this year, the family and friends who knew about treatment actually became annoying (sounds awful) as they were asking everyday 'what's going on' and 'when will you know something', I found it really stressful. We actually had to freeze embryos as I had fluid in my tubes.
When we did the frozen transfer recently, I told one close friend in work who really looked after me and two other friends, one who I met through this group and one friend who is also having IVF, they really supported and kept me sane and to be honest it would have been a lot harder without them.
I'd say, if you can maybe trust one person who won't tell anyone and that you think may be able to comfort and support you then tell that person, you will probably benefit from it and getting everything off your chest but if you don't have someone you can trust then maybe speak to a professional, I have not done that personally but I know some ladies here have and it really helped them.
In regards to being prepared, I think that we think we are as prepared as we can be but there are many variables along this road. Things change quickly you can often be making decisions you had no clue about.
For me being mentally ready (as we can be) is important, I recently had a bfn and I can start my next cycle this month (ICSI this time) but I am not ready. I need another month to try and de-stress.
It sounds like you are doing good with everything so far, losing weight, getting healthy and reaching out to others here in this forum, these are all great steps in preparation for your treatment.
I guess no. No one feels mentally prepared for ivf (just theoretically, but gets there in the course of treatments actually..) This is my opinion. We all know the stages of the procedure and what we have to do to make our chances higher. But it's always a huge amotional roller coaster. So that's absolutely normal what you're feeling now.
To tell your family/friends or not is your personal decision. If this is the way to may feel more safe and confident and not be afraid of any sort of judgements - then keep this in secret, unless you feeel you're ready to share. The thing I could't stand was pity in the eyes of people around..I imagined them talking of me ''poor thing, she cannot have kids..and she wants them so desperately..'' That was killing me as I've never expected myself to be the subject of pitiful discussions! Hardly could I think I'd hide behind the screen one day with my grief all alone! Time heals though..I'm praying for more peace in your heart. May god help you Xx
Thank you to each and every one of you that replied to my post. Your messages made my day and reminded me how far I’ve actually come!
I’m still in turmoil about if I should tell anyone. All of you make valid points and I guess I just have to be happy with the decision I choose. Just to be clear, our family know our fertility ‘situation’ and that at some stage it would have to be ICSI as our only option. But they don’t know timings and that we are going through it right now!
If I tell them, I know all they will do is ask constantly and barade me with questions. Also I’m terrified I tell them and it doesn’t work first time? I don’t want to be the talk of the town among my family/friends or get the looks of pity from across the room.
The part I find hard is that even though my husband is deeply devoted, he doesn’t quite get the female perspective/ health issues, changes etc which makes it hard to talk. I think I’ll try and find a friend that’s fairly removed from my wider circle and talk to them.
The first time I told everyone and it was stressful when it did not work out caz people kept asking if it did. Second time I only told my sisters and They really supported me through the process.
How amazing to lose all that weight. Any amount of weight it’s hard to keep off. I had my first ICSI cycle and unfortunately failed. We also decided not to tell family and friends for the same reasons. In the end I’ve told my brother and my parents in law. I too thought the extra pressure and sympathy would be too much to have to deal with. After 2ww today I had BFN and I’m so glad Ive found this forum as the ladies here understand what you go through. I don’t know if you are ever prepared for all the motions you go through during IVF . Good luck lwuth everything. You know you can do it. Take care x
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