I’ve been looking after my friend’s kids one or two days a week for a year now. Around the time it became clear it was going to take longer than I thought to get pregnant, I started to become quite negative about the obligation and see it more as a burden. I’ve also noticed myself being really judgemental about some of the parenting choices my friend makes and some difficult behaviour in the older child.
I’m quite ashamed to be honest. It’s not who I am, I think I just find it really hard not to have my own child that I can raise how I want. I’m hoping someone can understand and you don’t all think I’m a terrible person. I obviously feel like a terrible person.
We’re due to start IVF at the end of next month. They’re 3 and 7 and love me loads. But, sometimes when I’m with them, it just feels so obvious what I’m missing and it really hurts. Sometimes though it’s really lovely to feel their love and connect with them. It’s also really hard to do the school runs. It makes me feel like I’m the only one without a child.
Should I keep forcing myself to do it? I feel like I can’t just disappear from their lives, it would break their hearts. If anyone could provide me with some guidance or perspective, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you!