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Fertility Network UK
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No baby and now maybe now husband

Hi everyone, me and my husband were trying to conceive for about two years and ended up getting referred to the fertility clinic. There was no clear reason so we continued and got to the stage of being offered clomid. But whilst focusing on trying for a baby we lost one another and have been trying for the last year to decide if we should be together. It’s not just about the ‘baby stuff’ but I just wondered if anyone else’s relationship suffered to this extent and if you have any advice? We’re both in therapy and have tried lots of different things, including a trial separation which we’re on now. It’s really feeling like make or break (well more break to be honest) but I want to make sure that if we walk away we have tried everything for us and our relationship but also this would probably be my only chance for fertility treatment, due to my age. Thanks all, Still hoping xx

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That sounds really tough, I really don’t know what to say but felt I had to say something. I would recommend a stable environment to bring a child into the world, whether that’s together or apart. You don’t want the stress of being at loggerheads and neither will your baby. I understand that if this is your last chance why you’d be hanging on especially as you’ve got this far x

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I hope you can rekindle what you had. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Make sure your counsellor knows you want to make it work as I went to one with my ex partner and she just suggested we split up. I think counselling can help if you find a good one.

In the end I did split up with my partner but he froze his sperm for me so that I could continue with IVF to become a single mum. Is there any way your partner might do the same for you. You could always form a coparenting agreement or you could agree to take full responsibility for the child. If he donates as a known donor he will have no financial obligations and also won't be able to take the child off you.

Obviously these are ideas for if after the break you still can't make your relationship work.

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Hi still_hoping, we have absolutely been through the ringer too! You need to remember how you felt before all of this kicked off. I always like to think that if I couldn’t have a child because I had my womb magically removed, would I still want to be with my husband? Yes and I couldn’t imagine life without him! Sometimes in this journey we become so desperate for a child, we forget that actually your partner is more important. I am so happy that I stayed with my husband - we are in a totally different place now. A lot of it was that we both we so upset we just couldn’t see each other’s point of view and found it very difficult to comfort each other. But emotions constantly change, so you might not feel like this forever. Very few people get married on a whim, and I know it won’t feel like it now but a couple of years really isn’t a long time to try and sort out a marriage. Hope you sort it out 😊 It will be absolutely fine either way. I just wanted to let you know that you can feel like this and then go to the complete opposite of not being without each other - and we haven’t even got our baby yet! Xxx

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I’ve made that sound so overly simple somehow 🙄 We had LOTS of other issues too, not just IVF Xxx

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Cako I think that is one of the loveliest things I have ever read!

Hang in there Still Hoping, we had our first failed ICSI fresh round in Feb/March and it honestly broke me and my husband to the point I moved out for a few days and I genuinely thought it was over - we got through it though and it has made us so strong. There are so many emotions and it is just so bloody tough. Try and hold on to why you decided to go through this in the first place - you maybe just need to find yourself again, it takes time but you will both heal and decide what is best for each other.

Sending love and hugs

xxx

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Ivf is stressful on both parties. I almost split up with my partner too. In the end we decided to hang in there but it was not easy and is still not easy. I regret not going for counseling at the start of oe ivf and eventually when we decided to do de ivf. I now realize ivf is not hard just for us caz of the medications and hormones we hv to take but it’s hard on men too.

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Just checking what your age is? As I’ve just conceived through ivf at 39, and there are older ladies on here who have conceived with ivf as well. It may not be your last chance, but even if it is, I wouldn’t want that to be my reason for staying with a partner personally.

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Infertility is so stressful and I think most couples struggles at some point. I’m not the same lady I was before trying for a baby and after loosing on baby at 23 weeks it actually brought us closer.

I’m so sorry your going through and hope you work it both out. A break sounds good but donsit down and talk and I hope you both want thto same future:

Take care xxx

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So sorry about this .. I know hugs won’t help but I’m sending you loads of them and hoping his go well for you in one way or the other .. whatever the result.❤️❤️

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Thank you for all your thoughtful and kind messages and advice. It’s helped me to feel less alone and get some perspective xx truly thank you xx

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If you are still on a break, try to treat yourself and do things that bring out the best in you.

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