I thought I had mentally prepared for the possibility the transfer would not work. How wrong was I?! The sense of failure coupled with grief is absolutely crippling and totally overwhelming.
It's true to say that no one understands what this is like unless you have been through it. I am struggling to accept any support from friends or family (including my husband) as their kindness (or pity as it feels to me) is so palpable I want to scream. I don't want to talk about it with any of them as none of them know how it feels, not really.
I found out the test was negative at 9am and managed to go to work all day. I went out at lunch and found somewhere to sob for an hour and cried all the way home but was proud of my ability to still function on some level.
I still have 4 frozen embryos left but at present am not able to even countenance the thought of another transfer. I have read of people going through 10 or 11 failed transfers and I honestly do not know how they gained the strength to do it.
My plan is to take some time out have an alcoholic drink and some proper coffee and recharge. It is a gruelling process that no amount of preparation can really properly prepare you for just how awful it all is. I spent my entire 20s trying not to get pregnant and now getting pregnant dominates everything I do.
I wish all those who are on their IVF journey all the luck. Those who can conceive naturally have no idea how lucky they really are.
Written by
HollieW
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
Hi Hollie, I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through. It happened to me last Thursday, failed FET. Out of 11 eggs stored, just one was good to use and failed. I still feel there is no one that can relate aside from the ladies here. Coming off meds is another matter to deal with, I had a terrible migraine today and had to leave work early. Hope you find comfort in knowing gals here have gone through same sitch. Here to talk if you feel like it. Sending love your way. X
Hi holly so sorry to be reading this , i know the feeling well in april i had a failed cycle i felt like a failure a freak i couldnt even look at myself it took weeks for me to start focusing on myself ... many people said to me that it was just one of them things .... WHAT THINGS? i still don’t understand why everything seemed to be going so well then boom i hit that brick wall again... sending you big hugs holly I know it may seem impossible at the minute to try and focus on anything other than what happened but you will get there just like i did the strength comes from no were ... be kind to your self holly Xx 💖
Exactly what Rachel said I couldn't have said it better. I'm so sorry 😢 I'm gearing up to start a second round in september, I'm actually just dreading, what if it fails again? I really don't know how I would cope and how on earth some of these amazing warrior woman do it over and over and over again... take time out to grieve but you will get through it eventually I thought I never would but it gets easier. Sending massive hugs from new zealand xxxx
Thank you for all your lovely comments. It is so tough as you always just assume when you want to start a family, you can. I wish you all the very best on your journeys xx
Hollie, I’m so sorry to hear your news. I’m heartbroken for you & shedding a wee tear. It is so cruel this journey. I wish I had the words to ease your pain, but all i can do is send you much love and positive vibes. Xx
Hope you are ok. Yeah that’s a good idea to have a drink, that’s what I do. When I am coming to the end of each cycle I book to get my hair and make up done, organise a date night with my husband. I suppose I’m always planning failure but my way of dealing with it. Well done for lasting the day. My last failed cycle I couldn’t stop crying and had to leave work so well done! X
Your way if dealing with it sounds much better than mine! I can't bear to be around anyone, especially my husband. He just wants to fix it, move on and try again. He just doesn't get it, no one does. I just hope the feelings will subside in time and I can find my way through this awful process xx
I think it is normal to feel like that, hope so becaus most of the time I feel like that as well lol. I’ve shut a lot of people out and don’t feel like myself anymore. By organising a nice night out, week nd away or even a holiday it gives me something to focus on as well as feeling like this. I’ve also decided to start counselling. Really nervous about it. Not really my thing. X
No counselling is not really my thing but am going to explore it as I need a healthy outlet with someone who doesn't know me. As much as friends/family try and help their constant "how are you" is enough to drive you insane! Xx
Yeah totally. What annoys me is when they ask how I’m feeling or getting on all the time but on the other hand if they don’t I’m also raging lol. I suppose they can’t win. Anyway, I’m here if you want to chat as we are probably in similar head spaces. I will let you know how the counselling goes 😀x
Absolutely. I know it's difficult for those around you but the grief is so consuming you become so gripped in your own misery everyone else is just drowned out. I hope counselling goes well, it's got to be worth a shot xx
So sorry to hear about the transfer result but just wanted to say that I think you are incredibly brave and strong to have gone to work. I wish you the best of luck for the rest of your journey x
Hey i have no idea what you must be going thorough but im shedding a tear reading this, its heartbreaking especially when its your first as you have high hopes and you just hide that fact. And then Pretend to be brave and have the “im ready” face on all the time. Its extremely sad, but it can and does happen. You will find the strength on to carry on i hope you do xxxxx
Hollie - nothing prepares you for the highs and lows of IVF. What I can say is you will be ok and when your ready have another go. Be kind to yourself and allow time to grieve. I started councilling after my 6th cycle which ended in my 2nd miscarriage. I thought I'd hate it as not really my thing but I honestly now wish I did it earlier. Sending love x x
Totally understand how u feel. I kept so level headed throughout my journey in April. My husband was convinced it would work first time for us, but I kept telling him it might not work, we might not b lucky.
But the morning I tested and saw that negative result I was not expecting the emotion that came over me, I still can't believe how upset I was, especially after years of trying and getting nowhere.
But don't give up hope, this is just another hurdle life has thrown u, the pain will ease, but u need to take it easy. Sending love xx
Sorry to hear that your first cycle of ivf failed, don't think anything could prepare you for the failure, I had a failed cycle in February, its devastating, I felt so deflated and emotional, I felt like I couldn't pick myself up from it, i also felt like I didn't want to do it again cos I didn't want to feel like I did when it failed, as the days went by I started to feel better and then started again, i had a frozen transfer in may and I'm almost 9 weeks pregnant. Please stay positive and believe you will get through this horrible time xx
I've been overwhelmed by everyone's comments. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one experiencing this emotional roller coaster. I know that things will get easier (I certainly hope they will!) It's just hard to see it when you are in it xx
Hollie, mine failed too. Last week. I’m definitely going to councilling although it’s not been my thing in the past I just want to try and prepare myself as soon as I can for the next round. You can’t buy time after all. We had no frozen embryos so are starting from the beginning. The meds are so graulling and expensive. I also had a very painful egg collection. The thought of going through the hideous process and paying for it all over again petrifies me. But, this does work. I’m 38 and like you spent my whole life trying not to get pregnant. I’m prepared to do what it takes until I reach 40. Then I will leave it to nature to decide. I wish you all the strength in the world. You sound strong headed. Keep it pointing in the right direction. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway x
Thank you. I know I'm lucky in some sense as I have had no issues with egg collection and I did 3 cycles with 5 embryos collected but I really thought it would work first time and when it didn't it has really knocked the wind out of me. IVF is my only option as I have no fallopian tubes due to two ectopic pregnancies which means if this doesn't work I will have to accept I can't have children. That is the bitter pill I'm currently swallowing. All the very best in your journey xx
It’s an absolute bitch. I won’t lie. It doesn’t seem fair and we deserve better. But, we are lucky to have been able to come this far. We can produce embryos. We are nearly there xx
Hiya, the first failed transfer is so heartbreaking. I remember that pain so vividly and I feel so sorry for you.
However, you still have 4 FROZEN embies which means you are in a much more positive situation than you think.
Wait until your review meeting at the clinic as they will be able to give you more detailed information. When I went to my review meeting, they told me that the embryo they transferred was technically failing every day. Obviously they didn’t tell me that when they transferred it into me.
Good luck with your frozen ones. I’ve everything crossed for you xxxxx
It is as you genuinely believe it's going to work and it will all be okay. Infertility is devastating and those around you don't know how to make it any better as they simply do not understand. I'm trying to remain positive and not beat myself up too much. I've learned so much in undertaking IVF about myself and fingers crossed my journey ends with a healthy baby. Wishing you all the best in your journey xx
Hey lovely, I’m so so sorry your first transfer failed. Mine failed at the beginning of last month but am now gearing up towards a medicated FET.
Take some time out for yourself, surround yourself with the people you love and try to get as much support as you can (if only from the amazing people on here).
I (as can so many others) totally relate to how you feel - unless someone has been through it personally, they could never understand just how it feels!
I hope in time you feel ok and strong again. Just remember how strong and amazing you are for even getting to this point in the journey! You’re tougher than you think!
Thank you. It is such a tough process and that's partly what makes you so despondent is that you have fought so hard and still no luck! Hopefully we will all catch a break next time. Wishing you the best with your next transfer xx
I totally agree - it’s such a tough process and nothing can prepare you mentally (or physically) for it!
I’ve downloaded a mindful ivf app which has helped me massively - just to have 10-15 mins where I’m doing something purely for my self really helps me. I’m also going to start acupuncture for my upcoming FET. Don’t give up hope and try to do some nice things for yourself - have that large glass of wine and double espresso!!! 😊 xxx
It is a hard thing to go through, more anyone will know that hasnt been through it themselves. I can relate to what you mean that you dont want others sympathy as it feels like pity! I do however think that its important to remember that you and your husband are in the same boat together and even if he doesnt show it, he'll be disappointed so do comfort each other....you'll maybe even find that the grieving hits you at different points. Your plan to take some time away to enjoy all the things that we cut out to try o make this work is a good idea. Cry, drink and eat whatever you want....sending hugs!xx
Yes it's very easy to push everyone away, especially my husband as I feel this isn't really happening to him. It is of course but in a different way. However, I'm being selfish at present as I want to grieve on my own and when I'm ready to embrace others I will as I will need their support for the steps ahead xx
I’m so sorry. Those words don’t sound enough and they’re not. I guess there aren’t words. We’re at the very beginning of the ivf process and how you’re feeling now is one of the things that scares me the most about putting myself through this. I don’t know how I’ll cope if it doesn’t work. Sending huge hugs xxx
Don't think about the transfer stage yet. Just get through each stage and take every milestone you reach as a victory. It's a hard journey but you will get there xx
Thank you. I really hope you get your happy ending one day. You’re right, no one understands what it’s like to go through this unless you’ve been through it yourself xx
My last failed transfer ended in March. Out of four transfers I’ve had two failed and two bfps, one embryo perished at thawing. I’ve had two mmcs. Despite knowing the last transfer hadn’t worked (I just knew) it’s still devastating. I’m sorry for your bfn. They are very hard and cruel. Good idea to take some time out and to regroup and relax the rules xx
I’m so sorry your going through this. I don’t know how is ladies get the strength each time but we do! I feel like I’m constantly miscarrying and I say never again but then we try again. Enjoy the coffee and look after yourself xxxx
Hey Hollie, I'm so sorry you have to go through this, the loneliness and overwhelm is truly something you can never prepare for. I think each of us who has been through the struggle of trying to get pregnant (especially after years of thinking it would be so easy!) has a whole different perspective on life in general, for me it has taught me so much more compassion. I hope whatever steps are to come for you, they are as easy on you as possible. Keep breathing and making the next right choice and step that feels right.
Thank you for your kind words. We are all warriors in this that is for sure. I know I will be okay it's just getting through each day at a time at the moment.
Thank so true it's a very hard process and to find out that it's a bfn really is heart breaking. Just take it one day at a time and remember time heals all wounds. I am praying for you and just take this time to love up on yourself. Today makes one week since I got my bfn and it still feel lik yesterday. Lots of love
Hi Hollie you are definately not alone. I couldnt stop crying when we found out it was negative. I genuinely felt heartbroken. It's absolutely awful. But time does heal. We are just away to get ready for our second round of ivf please don't give up. We only had one embryo nothing frozen. We can do this xxx
Thank you. I am seeing the consultant on Monday to discuss the failed transfer and the next steps. I'm going to arrange some counselling to give me some strength before I consider embarking on another round. It's so hard and the impact on your mental health is overwhelming. I'm just doing 1 day at a time at the moment. Good luck in your journey xx
HollieW - well done! This may all seem counter intuitive but you have got through round 1! The most confusing process. And successful or not you gave yourself the best shot.
You catch me at a particularly positive stage post a bfn and a well deserved break I am moving on to round 2 - anything might happen.... And whatever happens in our world of the “unexplainable” it’s ok.
Remember everyone is behind you, husband, family, friends - is in the network. They want what you want. But their emotions will not display as yours do. Don’t beat yourself up and don’t beat them up. That said take all the time to be selfish. Pamper yourself in the most positive and additive ways.
Enjoy every day and remember what life was like before this process, you are lucky, you have the opportunity.
Thank you for your lovely post. I am starting to feel better and I do need to take the time now to reflect and heal before I decide what to do next. It is such an awful process but I always knew it would be but nothing really prepared you for all the emotions that come with it. Wishing you all the best on your journey xx
I’m very sorry, the same thing happened to me after my 2nd round of ivf, and now one embryo left I’m worried it won’t work, but I’m going to be strong and won’t left ivf distory my spirit 💪 sending you a massive air hug 🤗
I totally understand what your going through, i have had 2 embryo transfers both failed, one fresh one frozen, i am coming up to my third next week, i am lucky enough to have had 8 embryos good enough for storage, i will be down to my 6th next week.
Let me tell you it doesnt get easy every fail gets harder however you have to think positive and tell yourself evey go is a step closer to where you are trying to be. It is the hardest process of our lives but as my parnter says ‘a positive mind is a positive body’ it will work for you you just have to get through the difficult times to get there! I wish you the very best of luck and dont give up hope your not alone xxxx
Thank you. That's what worries me is trying again and it not working and feeling like I did again. I'm going to start counselling before the next round so I can clear my mind. Wishing you all the best next time xx
Hello Hollie I read your post and I totally understand how you feel, I too had a failed ivf cycle on the NHS i knew there was a high chance it might not work but it's still hard to take in and get through I think going through the whole process is mentally exhausting and emotional. But since then I have had two ectopic pregnancies which resulted in both tubes removed so now I'm at the point where we might try another go at ivf but we can only afford 1 attempt which is a scary prospect and I think I could only take one more failure I can't keep putting myself through it.
Just wanted to say thinking of you and I can relate to what your going through xx
Thanks for your message. I've had two ectopic pregnancies and my tubes removed. I had these before I started IVF so it was completely devastating that even when the embryo was put in the right place it didn't work! I'm having a break for a couple of months and have started counselling which has been a positive step. I hope all goes well for you moving forward it's such a tough journey xx
I know it's devastating when it doesn't work but I think your doing the right thing by having a break and getting away. I really hope your next transfer works, I think each time the odds get better so stay positive will keep everything crossed for you xx
Thank you. It's certainly nice being off all the meds and not obsessing about getting pregnant all the time! I know the statistics are you need 4-5 rounds to get success but still heart breaking when it doesn't work! I wish you all the best too. I have my fingers crossed for everyone on here xx
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
post a bfn and a well deserved break I am moving on to round 2 - anything might happen.... And whatever happens in our world of the “unexplainable” it’s ok. 
Period after failed transfer 
Investigations after failed transfers
failed third transfer with DE 
Failed transfers
