I have been writing & deleting this post but now in bed in tears I need to get it out!!
My boyfriend is lovely in so many ways, he works really hard & he is kind to me, however........ give him a few beers & his mates & all that goes out the window!!
We had a christening today, I was driving so not drinking, he didn’t want to leave when I was ready so I said that’s fine I’ll come back & pick you up later! Few phone calls (from me to find out what’s going on as Sunday night tv is boring & im tired - it’s an hour & half round trip to pick him up again!!) he still not ready. It’s now 1am & he still hasn’t thought maybe it’d be a good idea to call me!! Ordinarily this would annoy me anyway but we have our first fertility appointment tomorrow morning & I feel so hurt & let down that he’s done this tonight. I’m in bed now crying with frustration. Why do they do this when it’s something so important & it just makes you feel like they really don’t care?!!!!
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CBOO1
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Hi CBOO1
I am sorry to hear this. It may be that he is nervous about tomorrow and this is his way of coping? I hope your appointment goes well. And maybe you can ask about counselling? A lot, if not all, clinics offer this as part of the service.
Good luck xc
Awww that's awful.
You don't need this additional stress during your treatment. You have to explain to him that he needs to be extra considerate during this time.
Xxx
Hi Hun, I'm sorry to read your so upset right now. I'm not defending your boyfriend as he is acting like a twat but maybe it's because he either just doesn't think or as Camillage said, he is nervous about your appointment. I have a fantastic husband but fertility clinic stuff nearly destroyed my 18 month old marriage! I was doing all I could to get healthy prior to IVF & my husband carried on as normal. Drinking caffeine, alcohol, eating crap , going out alot etc. I flipped! His attitude was his sperm was fine so instead of helping & supporting me he didn't have to worry. As much as he wanted a baby ,for him the IVF process was easy but he didn't want to acknowledge we were going through it in case it failed. I took it as a sign he didn't give a toss. All I cared about was trying to get pregnant & I was pretty nasty to him because how I felt, please try & keep your cool unlike me! Wishing you lots of luck with the appointment xx
We split up shortly after I got pregnant on my third round because they just don'tget it ...We're ok now tho but it is so stressful and they really don't understand xxx
I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve commented on posts like this with my own story of - in our first round my husband could quite literally have fallen off a cliff and I wouldn’t have cared. I swear it’s because they’ve no concept of what we are going through. What the visit to the clinic means; the months of emotions ahead; the drugs you’ll be taking; the tests you’ll both endure. He will. Quickly. And by the sounds of it with a hangover! You be smug later; but not for too long. Hugs are much better x
I know it’s hard but he is probably feeling the pressure of the appointment. Even if you don’t put pressure on him, he’s probs doing it to himself. My hubby struggled with things during our treatment and I could never really see why. Now we’re past it all, I can see that he was scared. Scared he wasn’t enough for me - just him. He still has days of doubt where I have to reassure him that our marriage is and always was more important to me than having a child. I think that’s partly because like you I was doing everything I could. Top it off with incredibly powerful drugs you have to take which do have a huge impact on you. I think he just felt scared that everything would fall apart if it didn’t work. Well it didn’t work for us but we’re still together and planning our life together without children. My advice is, let him be himself. Let him flip out a little in his own way. He needs it as it’s so stressful. I know it’s hard as we don’t think the same way but in the long run, I think it’s best to give them the time they need too. Hope that helps. x
Like you, I have had issues with my husband. I am 40 soon so we won't be able to get IVF on the NHS. We've been through tests and my husband had a low sperm count and only 1% morphology. All we can do now is to be as healthy as we can and hope we improve his sperm enough to get lucky.
I wanted him to get tested 4 years ago but he refused and it will always be a cause of resentment no matter how much I love him. I've told him that as much as I want a baby, it's a family I want more and that means not just a baby, but a baby with him.
He has quit smoking at the new year but still drinks more than I would like, eats rubbish and doesn't exercise much. He has been able to convince his boss to let him come off night shift which is better for his overall health and allows us to sleep together at nights but he still complains about visiting the fertility clinic.
What make sit wose is when people tell me I am lucky to have gotten him to do as much as he has and that their husband, friend, relative etc would have refused to be "messed around with nd go through all that testing."
Well I tell them that it's great that their husbands etc are able to have children or there's thse who don't want children and tell thrm that the male tests are nothing compared to the female ones and I've gone through them all willingly.
I couldn't let this post go and not comment, being a man, and a husband that's been through this. Firstly I am sorry your husband treated you in this way. It does show a considerable lack of consideration for you. My two cents worth (based on a man that's been through this and I also work with couples):
1. Men and women deal with stress very differently. He may not be showing any signs of 'stress' or emotional impact from this journey but it doesn't mean he isn't feeling it inside. In times of stress women want to talk, to be understood. In times of stress men seek their place of 'nothingness'. Seek a numb mind. Like channel surfing. Drinking can be a (unhelpful) way of seeking this place. You may like this short, funny but true video about men and women's brains. It may be a good prompt for a conversation between the two of you as men are more happy to watch a comedy clip than a talk on relationships!!
2. I thought my wife and I were on the same page, understood each other until 8 years in she told me she felt alone on the journey. I was shocked. I went to all the appointments. I was there for her. However I now realise I wasn't there for her emotionally. She had no idea how I felt about it all and she didn't feel understood by me. I told her what I thought, not what I felt about it all. Emotions can be harder for men to articulate because culturally we are told they are 'weakness' so therefore can habitually shut them out/down without really recognising them let alone being able to communicate them. This makes it harder for a man to understand their partners emotions. However, this is where I believe men need to step up, get out of their comfort zone and connect with their woman in the way she seeks. It's also about women recognising that men are not like women and not not always expect them to respond in a way your girlfriends would.
So do you KNOW he doesn't care? Do you know how he really feels underneath all the behaviour? If he truly, truly doesn't care then I suspect you need a frank honest open conversation about where things are going.
I did a webinar for Fertility Network UK the other week about a communication process that can help men communicate their feelings and for men to begin to really understand how their partner feels. We men need clear instructions on how to do that because habitually we can jump in to fixing more, or worse get defensive rather than truly listen and understand what our partner is communicating.
And just to say not all men are selfish! Let's not put all men in the same box. That just assumes a) men are a 'problem' b) it cannot change. Neither is totally true.
Fantastic!! I'm glad you found it helpful (and I suppose indirectly so will he!!). x
I am sorry your other half put you through that. I’d be fuming if my hubby did that too! I’m not going to make excuses for him but maybe he’s more worried about it then he’s let on.
I really hope the appointment goes well .
My husband is always so laid back at fertility appointments and I’m always so stressed out worrying what might be said. Like others I have felt so angry at him at times and really thought he didn’t care but since having a heart to heart I realise he does care about it and he just didn’t want to put “pressure “ on me. I also think it’s male pride of not being able to get their wife pregnant comes into play.
Let’s us know how it goes ❤️ xoxo
Sorry to hear this, I've experienced similar thoughtless displays from my (normally wonderful and caring) bloke. I hope your chap apologized and that you are feeling a little better today. Best of luck with your appointment xx
Me and my partner were on the verge of splitting up last week. He just completely shut down from the idea of having one more cycle even though im paying for it. Kept going on about the money etc. Emotionally not interested. We eventually talked things through yesterday and im glad to say things are now bk on track. I hope all goes well for you Xx
As shit as it is you just need to be upfront with him. I will make no excuses for him as if he’d thought about it for a second then he would have come home with you when you went. However if you don’t ask you don’t get. You would have been better off saying if he was going to be late to get a taxi home.
Never assume someone has looked at something from your perspective. As long as you are being reasonable then there shouldn’t be an issue.
No excuses, and definitely wrong time to do that to you! Sorry but what the hell, drinking may be one of the ways that a man copes with certain things, but he should have some sense and be a proper man, and not have done this the day before your appointment!! I cant say he doesn't care but thats selfish for sure and in the scheme of things!
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